Friday, July 20, 2018

Five on Friday #157

EINS - Random Shit

-I'm just going to be real.  This has been a shit week.  In terms of school, a week = a month and well... I'm pretty much failing BOTH of my classes right now and all I want to do is pass, but I'm not holding out hope.  I've NEVER done this badly EVER in school, so every moment is anxiety ridden.  I'm back on my 2.5mg of lexapro because otherwise, I wouldn't be able to function.  Last weekend was the kicker when I was awake until 04 and 03 because of insomnia caused my outstanding homework problems.  On the anxiety meds, I sleep hard, sleep through the night, AND I actually fall asleep when I go to bed, vs hours later.  I also can handle all the shit I'm going through.. which I won't lie.. has been EXTREME (and inconvenient) this month.

-I bought the car.    I was reassured at work that my job is safe as long as I don't royally fuck things up, despite the difficulties of last week.

Her name is Willow.  Because apparently Subaru Outbacks are a hippy-lesbian (both of which I've been accused of, one of which is true) car and Willow is a perfect hippy name, and also because DISNEY.  Her full name is Grandmother Willow (yes, from Pocahontas).

-Speaking of my work drama.  I'm not sure if my former PM is genuine or not when he apologizes for what went down or not.  I hate playing professional "games" and this guy is a master at them.  Also, he's slippery enough that I can't pin-point if he's just acting or not, which makes me distrust him more.  It's complicated and I hate even having to worry with it.

Also, I hate that the team wasn't notified that I was off their project.  This means a lot of awkwardness (which is my specialty, but I try to contain that when at work) and me having to speak around the issue.. which meant that this morning I told someone, "No, I am not involved with that," instead of saying, "I guess it's not been reported that I've been fired from your project?"  See, look at me being professional and shit.  It can happen.

-Teh German has been a real saint with me this week/month.  He can tell that I'm stressed and he lets me rant and have mini-meltdowns and huff and puff (aka sigh a lot) about my problems.  I'm trying to make time for us, but it's incredibly difficult and I'm constantly shifting priorities in the moment to ensure that no balls drop.  It's exhausting.

-I feel like this gif describes my life perfectly.  Seriously.

-I didn't blog at all this week.  Teh German's post wasn't complete and it didn't even get posted.  That's where I'm at in life.  Priorities have been made and here we are.  I could have spent my time at the airport starting my next homework for CS, but I needed some ME time.  I'm burning myself out.

-The library took 1984 back before I was done with it (I was at 70%) and there's a 3 week waiting period.  FML.  If it wasn't a challenge book, I would have DNF about 25% in.  Buttttt for a challenge, I'll carry on.  /facepalm

In the meantime, I'm working on The Alice Network and Dark Triumph.  I started reading Neil Patrick Harris's autobiography book with Teh German, but I haven't had a chance to read it outloud before bed because my shitshow life this month. 

-My first cricut creation was a sticker for my water bottle that said "Steminist".  Like feminist with a STEM (science, technology, engineering, math) theme.  we..  first the s at the end came out so I had "Stemini t."  That was fine.. but when the first t came off and it read "Seminit"... it had to go.  now I just have "emini t".  It's so ridiculous it makes me chuckle.

-When your teacher hates you, you get a lot less partial credit.  In case you have ever wondered.

-Is it socially acceptable to do shots at the airport bar at lunch time?  Asking for a friend.

ZWEI - Money Shit

-I traded in Yurtle for Willow.. so I mean, that's a pretty big money thing..
-Ring Pro doorbell.  It was on sale on Woot.. and then when Prime Day happened, I got $6 refunded since they put it on sale within a week of me purchasing it.  #WIN
-Lunch at Mex 1 on Weds after I didn't have time to make a shake for lunch
-New brushes for Roomy, who works again.  #Praise
-Burger King for 2nd breakfast this morning since idk what time lunch will be.

DREI - From My Phone Shit

Goodbye kisses for my sweet Yurtle

and goodbye hugs, despite her being wet.

I let Teh German drive the day after I brought Willow home.

New doorbell.  It's supah cool.

Sweet Frog on Sunday with Teh PT Wife was a much needed treat.

It looks like a monster.
It made me LOL in the midst of calc 2 hell.

When I do math like this, math like 2+2 is no longer simple.

Computer science class.

I've been trying to take the dogs on walks in the AM when I have time.
Meri is constantly no the hunt for cats and bunnies and critters in general while Pax is like, WHY THE FUCCCKKK are we outside and why are you making me do this?.. DESPITE the fact that he, like Phil, loses his GD mind when I grab the leashes.  These damn dogs.

VIER - From the Internet Shit

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

  1. Willow.  Even if change is hard.  Going over bumps no longer makes my tits smack me in the chin.  It's a full win.
  2. Getting ahead on calc homework, or as much as possible.
  3. Acceptance that if I fail my classes, I fail my classes.  I'm trying my hardest and that is all I am going to require of myself.  Perfection is unattainable in this situation.
  4. Free wifi at the airport.
  5. Lint balls.  Keeping me sane all week.
  6. Meri and Pax being extra needy.  They know when I'm struggling and I appreciate that more than I can express to them.
  7. Seeing Teh Running Bestie on her birfday.  Shhhhhh, she'll see this and glare at me for publicly announcing her birthday, but I didn't get restaurant servers to sing to her, so this is my trade off.  :D
  8. My phone's super battery.  
  9. A flight delay that enabled me the extra time to get this post created.
  10. Teh German.  His patience with me.  His sympathy with my situation and his understanding that I'm trying my hardest to do something difficult.

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Five on Friday #156

EINS - Random Shit

-I got fired from my project at work.  They actually called it "being reassigned to a different project" but they admitted they were taking me off the project to keep the customer happy.  Because of communication failures, my lack of initiative to do work, and bad attitude when asked to do something (which I did admit was a problem, which I recognized, but I hadn't been tasked with anything after making the realization to show a change, so here we are).  The first 2 concerns I have serious problems with, because of reasons that don't really matter.  To add insult to injury, I got written up for this situation, which makes me stabby on principle, mostly the one where my boss didn't come to me to discuss the matter before just writing me up.  Cool, bro, thanks.

There were frustration tears, which, as a female, can we all agree, is one of the worst things (apart from being punished every month for not reproducing)?  I was torn between, "Don't cry, be strong." and "Let them see you cry, why should you be ashamed of your feelings?"  Seriously though, frustrating crying is the fucking worst.  Then having to explain that you're not crying because your sad or angry, but frustrated feels like undermining your own feelings and giving excuses and UGGGHHH, the woooorrrsssttt.

Thankfully, I am able to be moved to another project, so I didn't get fired-fired, but I was kicked off of our office's biggest contract and that is extremely embarrassing for Professional Megan (who doesn't often make appearances, but it happens from time to time).

Really, it's probably a blessing in disguise.  Since being on that project, I'd dealt with more difficult people than in my entire time with Company, and I'd only been on the project since April.  I foresaw more of the same in my future.  Additionally, the "nightmare task"?  No longer my problem. 

-Made a 73 on my first Calc 2 test.  Just need a C.  I'd like a higher C than that, but I keep reminding myself, I just need to pass.  But I can do simple math and my tests are 50% of my grade and the final is 24% and the rest is homework and quizzes (which I'm generally not doing so hot on).  Just need to pass.  Just need to pass.

-Speaking of Calc quizzes.  The very first quiz?  I didn't realize the sheet had a back.  I was done super early.  It's probably the one quiz I would have actually done well on.  FML.

-Honeymoon recaps will hopefully return in August.  I just can't this month.  In fact, I should be writing a program I don't know how to write.. RIGHT NOAWWW.  #YOLO  #JustNeedToPass

-I test drove a 2018 Subaru Outback on Wednesday and lurved it.  I also lurved being back in Yurtle after I returned the car, so that makes the decision extra hard.  Everyone I've asked has been super encouraging.  Enablers.  I love them all.

ZWEI - Money Shit

  • mailed off a Goodreads win
  • Chegg
  • Walmart things (grocery/house stuffs)
  • mah 2nd new pair of Berks (Birkenstock sandals, for those of you not down with my jargon)
  • dog nails

That actually seems rather good...
except that...
I'm considering purchasing a new car.
Yes, fo real.

It's not a secret how much I love my Yurtle, but she's getting older and there are starting to be problems..  like my backup camera works maybe 50% of the time, like the thunking noise when I go over huge bumps too fast that no one could ever pinpoint, like a weird revving while I'm pressing the gas pedal at a consistent.. and before the problems become issues I HAVE to fix, I'd rather just trade her in while she still has value.

This Subaru Outback to be exact.

DREI - From My Phone Shit


Fucking asshole dogs.
These were my favorite sheets that Teh German brought into our relationship.

NC State cornhole in SC.  I was probably the only person that was excited by this.
I'm not sorry.
If I played cornhole, I would have bought a set of boards.

My succulents FLOWERED.
Idk how this is a thing, but here we are.

This is the view from the building where my computer science class is.
I like to get to class early and do work from here...
for obvious reasons.
Arthur Ravenel Bridge reasons.

Selfie in a car that doesn't belong to me, that I got to keep for 24 hours!

So fannnccyyy, much tech.

Minimum criteria met: Dog fit = check.

I won another Goodreads giveaway.
(of a book I already own, of course).
This book has already been rehomed to a loving and good home.

Faacckk, I love marshmallows!
This creamer is ON POINT.

My morning coworkers... /swooooonn

I KNEW Teh Running Bestie would not approve of this plaid clashing.

Free lunch while working and doing homework didn't hurt my heart one bit.
Thanks, Teacher Workshop.

I broke the coffee pot.
It was a sign of things to come.
(It happened the same morning I got "fired")

That says 80.6°F.

Teh German made chili.  😂
I said not a word to him.
It was delicious "chili".

I missed Yurtle's 100k mile rollover, and so did Teh German
but I caught my baby's 102,000 mile rollover.

VIER - From the Internet Shit

When children give names to things, it's the best.

Children cussing also makes me looool.

These motherfuckers are angry that an 11 year old girl got killed by a DUI driver, who will face 25 years in prison, but rapists get a slap on the wrist and their victims have to LIVE with the memories forever?  I'm not saying that the girl's family isn't suffering, but where the fuck is the justice?

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

  1. More conversation with Internet Friends.
  2. Teh German taking care of house and home while school is impairing me.
  3. Actually getting to write this post.
  4. Getting to test drive a new car for 24 hours.
  5. Seeing the bright side of situations and people who have always been on my side, still being on my side, and people who do shitty shit feeling bad/guilty about it.
  6. Drinking at work.  Having fun work events where family gets to come and Teh German comes to hang out and I enable spouses to drink from my freezer stash.
  7. Working out.  Ya'll, I love 9 Rounds (a kickboxing gym).  LURVE it.  I hate how much I love it because that means I'm willing to pay for it.
  8. Extra needy dogs who love on me when I'm in need of feeling better.
  9. Besties who miss me.
  10. Internet funnies.  I need some laughs this week and the internet really came through for me.

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Keepin' It Real: On Rejection.

I'm going to talk about some grown up things in this post, like sex and feelings... so you've been warned, particularly if you're one of my parental figures who prefers to believe that I'm a chaste little angel who does no wrong (which is, of course, completely true).


I don't like being told no.  Like, really.  I often pout when I'm told no and then I'll eventually get over it because I'm an adult and that's what adults are supposed to do, but that doesn't mean I like it.

But this problem took on another level recently when Teh German turned me down for sexy time.  We'd had a good weekend and there wasn't anything going on and I was like, "Ohhh yeeeeaaahhhh." and Teh German was not on my same page.  In fact, when I started putting my moves on him, he grumble/groaned like, "Ugh, not this again."  I'm pretty sure my reaction was something akin to being slapped.  I was instantly hurt.  I instantly closed up and shut down and avoided eye contact and talking and Teh German in general for the rest of the evening.  I didn't have an appetite at dinner and Teh German asked me what was wrong, like he didn't know..

But ya'll.. I didn't know.  I knew what sparked me having a problem, but I couldn't put my finger on WHY I was upset, besides being told no.  It took me about 24 hours to process.   It wasn't pretty.  I even went to bed without Teh German, which is rare.  I was afraid of the pity fuck if we had went to bed at the same time, which would only serve to enrage me more.

With some time to process, I came to these conclusions.

By being rejected in such a way, the grumble rather than being told, "Maybe later, I'd really just like to relax and have dinner now.", it felt personal.  It was about ME, since there was no reasoning behind the rejection.  And I took it quite personally.

My brain is a myriad of negative thoughts that I regularly squash down.  Mostly things that I put on myself that may or may not be true.  My brain likes to give me "credit" for decisions others make that are completely unrelated to me, like Teh German's lack of desire to "woohoo" with me at that time.  (If you got that "woohoo" reference, I'm glad you're here. #NerdBond)

Some of those things included:
-you're too fat.
-you're too demanding.
-social media is better.
-you're too much.
-you're no good at sexy time.
-you're emasculating.
-(insert any self-deprecating comment here)

And while some of those things could possibly be true to someone, they are not always true of me.  Whether that's a lie or not, I still tell myself that I am none of those things because all those negative thoughts do not need to take up residence in my head.. but damn if they didn't anyways.

Honestly, he never gave me a reason why, but when we talked about it the next evening, after I kinda sorted through my problems, he said, "I have the right to say no."  And I 100% support that.. in theory.  When Teh German asked me at dinner what was wrong, I said something to the effect of, "How would you feel if the situation was reversed?" and he mumbled something that I heard as, "mumble mumble whatever."  I then told him that he wouldn't ever know the answer to that because I don't say no.  Crickets.

Reality: I don't say no because sexy time has become so infrequent, one does not look the gift horse in the mouth.  Yes, I could initiate more and probably make sexy time a little more frequent, but often we are both tired, stressed, and excuses, excuses, excuses....

In case you were unaware, Teh German and I are in a relationship (marriage, dating, the status doesn't matter for this situation).  To both of us, that means being monogamous.  That means intimacy and sex and the deepest kind of relationship with each other, not with outside participants.  This is good for both of us.  It's never been a temptation for me to look outside of our relationship to satisfy my needs.  But, to be brutally honest, I'd rather have sex with my husband instead of taking care of my own (physical) needs solo (aka master-(de)bating).  I can get intimacy and have sex at the same time.  2 birds, 1 stone kind of deal.  I'm in a relationship with a German, we're all about efficiency.

Here's the reality.  We're well past that honeymoon phase of our relationship.  But during our honeymoon phase.. it was hot hot hotttttttt.  I keep a calendar of private events, separate from my personal and school calendars, which is where I track girl time and sexy time and while it's not necessary and it's kind of a chore, I have been able to see the downward trend.  Also, I know that if I didn't track sexy time, I wouldn't track my girl time (period week), so it's a necessary evil.

This decline coincides conveniently with my neediness.  I never realized just how much physical touch I needed until I got older and our relationship matured, we've become more and more busy.. and we just don't make time.  And then it hits me that we touch each other 4-6 times a day: maybe when we get out of bed, definitely before we leave for work, definitely when we get home from work, probably before we eat dinner, definitely right before bed.  But it's usually just a quick kiss other than when we leave for work, when we hug (if I'm not in the shower).

I started to pick up on a few things going on...

We were/are taking our relationship for granted.  There is/was no intention in our affection, just the habit/ritual of it.  What this means to me is that there was no effort being put into our relationship.  It's easy to go through the motions and put a check in the box.  It's more effort to put intention into your actions to ensure that you do things for a purpose.  I.e. you kiss your significant other before you leave for work to ensure that the last time they saw you, you wanted them to know you love them in case you're in a horrific car accident 3 miles into your drive and die.  Is that extreme?  Yes, but does it help me live with intention?  Fuck yes.

I always take being turned down (regarding sexy time) as a bad sign.  ALWAYS.  The less affection I want to show, the less I'm invested in the relationship, and I assume that is the same for the other party.  For me, choosing anything else over intimacy with your partner shows that other things are valued over the relationship/intimacy with your partner, which means your partner is not the most important thing to you, which just spirals out of control quickly.. especially if you are me.  I've been less important than a computer game, I've been less important than easy access porn and nudes from ex's.  So this is something I've become experienced in, so me escalating the issue quickly in my marriage shouldn't come as a big surprise.

But I need to understand that THIS relationship is not all my past relationships that didn't work.  I need to move on from issues that have plagued me for a very long time because they really hurt me and created scars that always remind me of the worst things.

I place a lot of weight on sexy time, when really I should place more value on intimacy.  Honestly, I wasn't really looking for sex, I was looking for intimacy.  We had had a great weekend and I just wanted to be close to Teh German.  We could have just laid on the bed and snuggled and chatted and I would have been ok, but that's not how I approached the situation.  I know that this is a personal problem, to confuse sex and intimacy, and it's something I need to work on, but I also need Teh German to be aware of my issues as I work through them.

When we talked about this the following evening, I explained that I need more affection from him and more intimacy with him.  That more affection and intimacy would mean that I wouldn't have been as hurt by his rejection because I would know that the well isn't dry, it's just not available right now, but maybe later?  I explained that we went from a lot of sex to barely any sex and well.... this doesn't work well for me.

Science tells us that as humans age, women's sex drive goes up, while men's decreases.  But Society tells me/us that men are complete sex maniacs who would never turn down sex and here's 25 ways to spice up your sex life!  Worse yet, the "spice up your sex life articles" are generally aimed towards women, so when those "suggestions" don't work out, women feel at fault.  But that's all a big lie and I know it, but sometimes I don't KNOW it.

So this is my real talk.
This is me, admitting my faults and showing my struggles.
This is me, recognizing that I have some work to do.
This is me, over-sharing something that is extremely private.
This is me, being transparent and showing the world that despite the happy words and fun pictures, strife still exists in my life.
This is me, sharing my ugly.

Welcome to the show, Gentle Readers.