Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Weekend Review {10/14}

FRIDAY

After lunch on Friday, I got the sleepy tireds and could NOT shake it.  So much so that I skipped a workout and went straight home after work.  Yolo.

The dogs don't understand that when I get home, I'd really prefer NOT to be harassed, jumped at, and generally annoyed as soon as I walk in the door.. so I kicked them out because they were being annoying and I was exhausted.  Teh German let them in as I was preparing to lay down the couch and this fuzzy turd bucket laid down in my spot because she's a needy asshole.

I mean, I kinda also thought it was hilarious, so I took a few pics after I laid down on her.. and she didn't seem to mind, which was weird, and then I made her move because I needed a damn nap.


I didn't get in a good nap, but enough sleeps were had to be functional again.  When I woke up, I asked Teh German if he wanted to go see an NC comedian named Jon Reep (check the end of the 1st section) and explained the backstory to him and Teh German agreed to go.

We grabbed dinner at a place across the street from the theater and then headed to the theater to buy tickets and grab seats.


No photos were allowed.. buttttt here we are because #blogging.


There were 3 comedians + the MC.  2 of the 3 comedians were hilarious, the other guy just talked about doing drugs and partying and he had the wrong suburban middle class crowd for that.  The MC was also hilarious and made me want to start going to comedy shows around Charleston.  One day... when school is no longer making me drown in life.

Teh German agreed that it was totally worth going and that the show was awesome and we should check out local comedians.

After the show, we came home, dealt with the beasts, and I went to bed while Teh German did whatever he does when I'm not around.  IDK, I knew I had to get up and get moving on Saturday, so staying up super late was not on my agenda.


SATURDAY

Tattoo Saturdays have been deemed "Stabbing Saturday"... and that's what this Saturday was.  I left a little after 9 to head to Charlotte.  I saw some old Crossfit friends while driving down 26, which was awesome because we got excited and waved at each other and went about our business.  I made it to Charlotte slightly early, thank you traffic from Charleston to Columbia that was going 90+mph.

I talked with Noel about the design and while he traced, I went and grabbed lunch at the same BBQ place from last time.  When I got back, we sized the stencil and estimated the placement then Noel got everything set up.  He placed the stencil and then we got down to business by 2.

We took a 20 minute break at one point for Noel to eat and for me to put my arm down and then we got back to it.


Noel finished up right around 7:30 and I took my photo, paid, and headed out.
That would be about 5 and a half hours of being stabbed, in case you were wondering.
#LikeABoss


By 11, I was home.. thank you traffic from Rock Hill to Columbia getting the fuck out of my way and then those awesome drivers who were willing to go 85+mph from Columbia back to Charleston.  Teh German was watching hockey when I got home and I was absolutely exhausted, so I went straight to bed.  Did not pass Go, did not collect $200.  STRAIGHT TO BED.


SUNDAY

Sunday there were zero photos.. but Sunday was also full of activities.  I made Teh German disgruntled by making him get up with the dogs, after Meri had ensured that I was a-fucking-wake by jumping on me/the bed, as she does.  I wasn't really able to go back to sleep, but I dozed on and off for a little bit and then did some scrolling before finally getting up and taking a shower.  Mostly, I showered to rinse off my arm of the tattoo goo that forms overnight when I leave the nonstick pads on (which I only do the day of getting the tattoo so that way the ink doesn't bleed all over the sheets, which was actually a fail this time...).

Teh German made bacon and toast and I made scrambled eggs for breakfast.  After we ate, I headed to the office to do homework things and Teh German did Teh German things (Teh German Time, fish tank stuff, scrolling).  He eventually left and ran some errands and I had SILENT time for homework.  It was rather glorious, to be honest.  Those headphones better be on sale by Black Friday.. because well.. a month is a long time to wait when you have this much homework between now and then.

At 2, we headed over to Teh PT House for a Sunday Funday gathering.  We even brought Pax and Meri, because I'm always in the hopes that something will eventually drain Meri's batteries.  Going to Teh PT House was NOT it.  I tried, Gentle Readers, I tried.  Siiiiiigh.

We had dinner and socialized and Teh German brought the dogs home after we ate.  A little while later, I went and fetched them to see if they would play with Remy, a 150 Great Dane, who was a Sunday Funday guest.  Meri was terrified of a dog so much bigger than her and her bitch ass hid behind Teh German or I, depending on who was closest.  Pax played and chased some, but nothing really energy draining.  When there was some drama that also happened to be around doggy dinner time, I took the beasts home to feed them dinner and continue working on homework things. 

I was exhausted, ugh again, and managed to get to a solid stopping point on my homework by 7:30.  I was packing up my computer and things to load in the car when Teh German came home.  I headed upstairs to get ready for bed and, surprisingly, Teh German also came upstairs to get ready for bed.  We were in bed by 9 and it was glorious!

______________________________________________

An extremely productive weekend!  Socializing, tattoo, homework, spontaneous date night!

Despite unfinished homework things, I managed to get my questions asked and assignments completed and printed out prior to the class they were due for, so I consider everything a win.  I know that last week's stress-almost-meltdown was due to it being midterm time and teachers needing grades so they can calculate our midterm grades, but Jesusfuck, I do not appreciate the unbearableness that was all those assignments being due to close together.  My body definitely did not appreciate it, as my BJB is angry, I started to get a herpaderp on my lip, but then it decided to relocate to inside my nostril.. so I mean, I'm an absolute mess.  This is on the tail of being sick.. so I'm over it all.

Thankfully, I'm finally over the homework hump and I might even consider myself ahead of the game.. again.

This week holds:
-a midterm exam in a class that has been 95% lecture and 5% programming assignments that the instructor has had to debug each time. FML
-that group project that I still need to go talk to the professor about because I'm really not sure what I'm doing and my partner doesn't either and I cannot rely on them.
-Going to see RENT with Teh PT Wife.  Yall, I really don't like musicals, but I'm a good friend.  We'll see what level of good friend I am after the fact.
-Dog toes are getting chopped off on Friday!  (Megan translation: I'm taking the dogs to the vet to get their nails trimmed.)
-Weekend Goals = writing that 8-10 page paper!!!  It's ok to be super jealous.


Countdowns (because I need some guiding lights while I'm wading through homework hell):

18 days until our anniversary and our trip to the unknown!
21 days until I get to register for my LAST semester of college!!!!
62 days until this semester ends!
89 days until the Charleston Half Marathon with Teh Running Bestie and Matilda andd mayyybee Teh PT Wife if I can talk her into it... or ya know, anyone else.
131 days until the Charlotte Hot Chocolate 15k with Teh Running Bestie and Matilda!
207 days until GRADUATION!!!



Friday, October 11, 2019

Five on Friday #214

EINS - Random Shit


You know those "friends" on Facebook who are always sharing obviously viral/spam things?  Yeah.  You do know.. Your great-great aunt who is young enough to want to learn about computers so she can keep up with her 7 well-into-adulthood children and her 18 grandchildren.

I hide them from my news feed because my toleration levels are dangerously low some days for people that have to interact with face-to-face.. so when my irritation levels rise because of stupid shit on social media, I get rid of it so I still have patience for my face-to-face interactions.

Also, I hate to be this person, but to all those people who share lost and found pet stuff on social media?  I block those groups.  I'm obviously a dog lover, but, for the most part, people sharing those posts are from places where I don't live and so there is not a possibility of me helping recover said lost animal, and even if I did live there... under these school/work conditions, I probably wouldn't help.. unless it was a sighthound from one of our rescue groups.

I have to pick my battles, Gentle Readers.  Judge me if you want.

________________________________________


It made me LOL when one of the Cadets asked where my ring was earlier this week, like I wasn't wearing it.  Bitch, please.  Fuck yes I'm wearing this damn thing with pride.

That said, I ordered the mini ring since I have tiny hands and I don't like bulky jewelry.  I still think the mini ring is kinda bulky, but that makes it very Citadel-ish, so I accept it.

I raised my hand in response to him to show him that I was, in fact, wearing my ring.. and several other Cadets noticed that I was wearing it on my pinky and they were like, WOAH!  Uhh, yeah, yall.  ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

________________________________________


I've had an 8-10 page paper to write since mid-September.  It's due 11/1, and I've had the desire to start it, but I need a block of SEVERAL UNINTERRUPTED hours to accomplish it and I don't ever have that.  What's the requirements for sending your husband away for a weekend?  How does one go about doing that?  Because, while Husband does mostly keep to himself when I'm doing homework things, he's still around and randomly makes comments or asks me for help.. and I lose focus and get sidetracked..

Additionally, before the paper is due, I have multiple programming assignments due each week.  So I feel like I'm always neglecting something, so I neglect the paper since it's got the furthest due date.. But the due date is quickly approaching and I have a feeling that some of these programming assignments are gonna get half assed because I need to take care of other shit.

________________________________________


I went to campus on Monday morning, asked my PITA professor if I could take all my exams for the day so I could go be sick at home, and he said yes.  He gave me all 4 of my quizzes for the day (which isn't out of the ordinary, in case you were wondering) and I sat in the teacher's lounge and pounded out the quizzes, 1 of which I wasn't prepared for because I didn't realize we were being quizzed on it.  When he asked if I was ready to take it, I responded, "Come what may."

Here's why I did this to myself.  PITA professor doesn't allow students to make up missed quizzes since he drops several of the lowest quiz grades when he averages the quiz grade.  I've already got several quiz grades that need to be dropped.. remember, when I talked about my do not give a fucks last month regarding these stupid quizzes that are impossible to prepared for?  That still applies.

The non-PITA Professor class that I missed was probably not so good that I missed it, but I'm less worried about that class since I know that I'm not the only one struggling.

I just did some GPA math... to see what it would take to graduate with a 3.5 GPA, because I know I said I didn't care, but I totally do (but low-key, ok, GOSHHHH).  Anyways, the calculator I was using returned this answer about me graduating with a 3.75 GPA with only 8 classes remaining (5 of which are currently in progress), "High number of credits required for that average. Impossibly high GPA needed to achieve that."  Thank you, thank you very much.

So I then tried to see what it would take to maintain my current 3.533 average and it kinda looks like all A's would do it.. except I just don't think that is reasonable based on the load of the semester... so I calculated my GPA after making all low B's in my classes, which isn't unreasonable, but I doubt I'll make low B's in all my classes, but maybe a few?  And with low B's I end up with a 3.13 or something.  Ugh.  #MeganProblems

________________________________________


Being sick at the same time as Husband is really the worst.  Neither of us function well when sick and when we're both sick, NOTHING gets done and if something does get done, it's a painful task for all involved.

Thankfully, Nurse Meri helps make my sickness better.

Even if she's huffing in my elbow pit because I won't pet her.


________________________________________


In my software engineering class, ALL of our assignments are partner assignments.
Guess what I fucking hate?  Partner assignments.

The first assignment wasn't so bad.. but the 2nd assignment I was paired (by a random matcher that the professor uses) with a Cadet who doesn't overly concern himself with due dates.  This makes me nervous, but we're cool, so I tried to be cool about it.

Said assignment was due on Friday, which happened to be Ring Day and the professor was like, bad idea, I'll give you until Sunday night to do it.  Fine.  Guess who ends up sick by Saturday afternoon?  Me.. AND MY PARTNER.  FML.

We didn't make the Sunday deadline, even though we had some code that worked.  I agreed with Cadet that we could just turn it in late and he'd figure out what was broken with our code and we'd turn it in the next day.  Well, the next day turned into Tuesday, which turned into Wednesday.. and by Wednesday night, I was fucking over this shit.  I harassed my partner all day and messaged him right at 8:30 when he said he'd have it done.  Was it done?  NO.

So.. we submitted BROKEN code, LATE.  I could have submitted broken code (-15 points) on Sunday night with a penalty for it just being broken, but now there's also a late penalty (-10 points) which means an even lower grade (nothing higher than a 75) which makes me want to stab that Cadet in the fucking eye.  This is why I don't turn shit in late.

And the cherry on top of this entire situation is that we were allowed to pick our next partner and no one likes partnering with me because I like to get shit done early AND I'm not available at 10pm at night the night before an assignment is due to go sit in the room of another Cadet and bang out the code... so I ended up stuck with one of the worst cadets to be partners with in our major... as no one wanted to be partnered with them because they suck.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
While I understand that our professor is trying to mimic "the real world"... in my "real world" partner work just isn't a thing.  Many people are working on the same project, but it's many different wheels spinning.  Granted, that's not how it always is, I know.. but partner anything in college is the fucking worst.

________________________________________


Who bought her coworker a dozen doughnuts for helping with her homework assignment the night before it was due?  THIS GIRL.

It was doughnuts in lieu of a mental breakdown. 
Programming is frustrating and hard.
Programming without knowing what the fuck you're doing is even more frustrating and hard.

I also brought in a dozen doughnuts for my other coworkers.

________________________________________


People who rattle their keys or clink coins in their pocket MAKE ME CRAZY.
More crazy than when people drag their fucking feet.

________________________________________


I'll be buying those stupid ass expensive AF noise cancelling headphones when they go on sale again.  Over the summer, the Bose and Sony headphones I'm looking at went down to $300 and I thought for sure they'd just go down more.. They did not.  The opposite, in fact.. Ugh.  So now I have to wait for them to go on sale again because I'm #CheapAF.

What had happened was....
I was trying to concentrate on Thursday night for coding purposes... and Teh German was just doing his thing in the kitchen... but it was too much.  Granted this was his "just doing his thing":
-playing music over Alexa, which I had been enjoying while we ate dinner, but once my brain switched gears, less enjoyment was had.
-chemistry tests for the tank, which involves vigorous liquid shaking and setting a millionty random timers ("Alexa, set timer for 60 seconds" "Siri, set timer for 3 minutes") and said timers then going off and having to tell whatever smart device to dismiss timer.
-whistling
-random comments to the dogs
-chair scraping
-door the garage/closet opening/closing
-more whistling
-at least one question at me

It was just all too much and I knew earplugs weren't going to cut it once Teh German started watching the Caps hockey game (his random cheering and clapping scares the shit out of me).  So I went and fetched Teh German's headphones and put them on and thennnnnnn... there was no outside world (as long as I ignored Meri bumping me with her nose for scritches).  I made a little bit of progress on my HW, but not much, but more than I was making.

Thennnnnnn.... the following day at work... Listening to my cube mate mouth breathe sealed the deal.  I'm buying the damn headphones.  Apparently, I DO have a need for $300 headphones.

________________________________________


WE HAVE BEEN DEEMED WORTHY OF COOL TEMPS!!!!


71° at noon?  YYAAAASSSSSS.

It was so delightful that instead of going to the gym, I opted to get in some miles around campus.  It's about to be half marathon training season, so I gotta get back into it.  That said, all my ellipitical time REALLY helped my pace.  I'm under 10 minutes for a mile right now and that brings me ALL.THE.JOY.

When I got home, I took the beasts on an excursion.


________________________________________


I bought a bike from Roux's Humom/Mr. Golfer so I can burn off more of Meri's energy.  Her batteries NEVER drain.. so I figured that if I walk both beasts, then Meri and I go back out on the bike after 1 mile and she does a little more at a faster pace, maybe she'll be more calm?

I tried this last week with Teh PT Kid's bike and Meri's batteries were NOT drained, but I'm hoping with a bit more consistency, she'll be more tired.  #PodencoProblems

________________________________________


Teh German has been staying up late to watch hockey and I don't really care, but I also kinda do.  I like going to bed at the same time since he always wakes me up when he comes to bed.. but I don't want to stay up that late.  Mostly though, I don't want to have to say to him, "Husband, bedtime."  Because I'm not his mother.. and that's what me having to tell him it's bedtime feels like..

For some reason, this week, living with another person has been a real test.  I'm going to just give the blanket female reason: probably PMS.

________________________________________


I just discovered that Jon Reep will be in Summerville tonight and I think I just found our evening plans.  I've always wanted to see Jon Reep.. and I'm sure you're like, who the fuck is Jon Reep? 

Welllll, Jon Reep is from Hickory, NC, which is near Home, Home.  He attended NC State for a while, not at the same time as me.  Reep won Last Comic Standing in 2007.  He's also the guy in the Dodge commercial that says, "That thing got a Hemi?" and a handful of other things.  Anyways, I've followed him for a long time, but was never willing to travel to Myrtle Beach to see him and now he's coming to Charleston and I feel like it would be stupid to NOT go.  Buttt, we'll buy tickets at the door to save $4 in convenience fees because.... #CheapAF.




ZWEI - Money Shit

-Laser hair removal session.
-Dog Christmas gifts.  #SorryNotSorry
-My class ring.. because I was never billed for it when I ordered it.
-Motivation slushie.. it was that or a sweet tea and the slushie was cheaper.
-Couples massage
-New writing utensil container that goes in my 3-ring binder that contains all 15 of my erasable pens and it looks like a monster.  It's awesome.
-Groceries
-Gas
-$7.50 MORE to the stupid ENT.  Fuck them.  Ugh.
-Cell phone bill.  $40, thank you, Google Fi.
-Krispy Kreme
-Power bill
-Starbucks on campus
-Dessert pizza from Park Pizza that I also shared with Teh German



DREI - From My Phone Shit


Look, Gentle Readers.. when the internet goes down... our household is immediately put into an emergency status.
You see, our SMART house is incredibly useless without internet.
To the point that, I told Husband that the internet was down.. and a few minutes later he still tried to use Alexa to turn on the lights.  He didn't think it was funny when I laughed.

These monsters.
All legs and bellies.

Rule: leftover sushi is never as delicious as you want it to be.
Especially, if any part of the roll was put into a fryer.

I keep a word search book in the bathroom, keep your judgement to yourself.
Anyways, I found it kinda hilarious that instead of going full on "Petty Officer", they only listed out "Petty".
I messaged this photo to Mrs. Reflective and we got a laugh out of it.
Civilians, man.. never fail to amuse.

Finally ate one of my chocolate bars from Amsterdam.
Teh German refused to have any at first because he thought it was "Amsterdam" chocolate.
I had to explain that it was just a normal chocolate bar.

Shrimp and grits for dinner.
Fun fact: as much as I try to like them, I really DO NOT LIKE bell peppers.
Not when they are red or yellow or orange or green.
I just don't like them.
I should just accept this.

Me: Have you taken your marshmallows today?
Teh German: Are you even sure that works?
Me: The only thing we have to lose is a cough.. so I'm willing to risk it.
Teh German: You just like eating marshmallows.
Me: Well yeah, but this is for sickness.

Title of said 8-10 page paper.
#NotSorry

Doggy Christmas Presents arrived!
Teh Running Bestie sent me a photo that theirs arrived as well, which is why I am able to post this.
:)

Tried a new crockpot recipe for chicken.
I just think that a packet of brown gravy and a packet of ranch might be too much packets.
But it didn't taste bad, so there's that.



VIER - From the Internet Shit






When you remember much more than you want to,
and the pain of it all still finds you,
I hope you know that nothing in the past can strip you of the strength rising like the dawn within you.
Because after the longest nights and the loneliest mornings,
you kept going anyway.
You found hope and radical courage,
and you are not the same.
Nothing in the past can hold you back from who you are becoming today.
-Morgan Harper Nichols

You can still be who you were meant to be without meeting everyone else's expectations of you.
-MHN

"Pretty is not the rent you pay to exist in the world as a woman."
HOLY.FUCK.PREACH.

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week


  1. Figuring out the final mandala portion of my sleeve.
  2. Scheduling Meri's hair cut.  She's shaggy.  I had to cut mats from her chest and under her tail. It's time, fuzz lovers.
  3. Pushing my hair appointment back 2 weeks.  I don't feel like going this week and my hair doesn't look that bad at this point.. sooo it will wait.  Also, poordom is a thing after that surprise class ring charge.
  4. Couples massage and a good Ring Day celebration with Teh German and my classmates.
  5. Finishing The Americans.  It was a good show, but I have wanted to watch something else for a while because I was burnt out on it.. and Teh German just wanted to push through to finish, and since he dealt with my delays with getting to watch End Game, I just went with it.  Look at me compromising and shit.
  6. Eating marshmallows "for my throat".. definitely not because they are delicious and I was enabled.
  7. Coworkers who like a challenge and offer homework assistance.
  8. Temps under 80°F.
  9. The scale falling under 160.  Thanks, sickness, you da best!
  10. LONG SLEEVES.  It's not a hoodie.. YET.. but it will do.



Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Books Books Books! Summer 2019 Edition

Considering how busy life has stayed since my last book post, I'm impressed with how much I've read this summer.  In fact, Goodreads says I'm FOUR book ahead of schedule to meet my goal, which doesn't really surprise me.  I'm not strict about my Goodreads challenge, but it does get under my skin when I fall behind... irrational, I know.


Because I happened to plan this well, I'm linking up with Steph and Jana for the 5th anniversary of the Show Us Your Books linkup.


Ultimate TLDR** 
Definitely Read:  
  • The Art of Racing in the Rain
  • How to Walk Away
Maybe Read:  
  • Warbreaker
  • The Ragged Edge of Night
  • Things You Save in a Fire
Hard Pass:  
  • The Weight of Ink

Rating scale*:

1/5 - Hated it, DNF (did not finish).
2/5 - Tolerated it on principle to finish, didn't like it.
3/5 - Eh, didn't love it, didn't hate it. Had some good parts/kept me interested/finished it on principle.
3.5/5 - I liked parts of it.
4/5 - I liked the whole thing.
4.5/5 - I liked it a lot, but not sure I'd read it again.
5/5 - I LURVED it and I'd read it again.

*Subject to change based on my mood, the phase of the moon, or other unpredictable variables.
PS. Possible spoilers included in reviews.


Warbreaker (Warbreaker #1) by Brandon Sanderson   4/5 (Audible, audiobook)

It took a bit to get into this book.  It didn't help that I also started listening to this while I was in Germany and taking the train to/from school, so I was only getting in 20 minutes or so at a time.  By about 20% though, I was hooked and wanted to know all the things.  I really dislike initial confusion, but it was all resolved rather quickly.  As with most of Sanderson's books, this will be a series.  Yay/Ugh.



The Weight of Ink by Rachel Kadish   3/5 (library, ebook)

The prose of this book is beautiful, but I really struggled with the main characters who have secrets and refuse to let themselves be vulnerable.  UGH.  This book is set in 2 main times, the 1600s and current time.  I was more invested in the 1600s timeline than the current timeline, but I was often grateful to switch back to the current time when the 1600s got too heavy or tedious or boring.

That said, the problems of the current day characters were stupid, IMO.



How to Walk Away by Katherine Center   4.5/5 (library, audiobook)

Maggie is left paralyzed after a plane crash and this is the story of post-crash.  I enjoyed Maggie's sense of reality and the relationship with her sister and Ian helped pushed the book along.  Yes, the ending was a bit too tidy, but for such a heavy topic, I appreciated a happy ending.

Also, if you don't hate Chip, you're dead to me.



Mrs. Everything by Jennifer Weiner   3.75/5 (library, audiobook)

I didn't expect the characters to end up where/how they did based on how the story started ramping up.  I'm sad and glad about that.  I would judge this book as "a solid beach read".  There were parts that were tedious, but I was invested by 65%.


Even Tree Nymphs Get the Blues by Molly Harper   3.25/5  (Audible freebie, audiobook)

A short freebie that was described as "hilarious"...  I definitely wouldn't say this book is hilarious by any means, but there were some snort-induced amusement parts.  A newcomer arrives in a strange town and sets about making her new place her home and finds love along the way.  This is actually a novella set between two other books in the series, which I didn't know until after the fact.  It was entertaining, but not so entertaining I'm going to seek out the rest of the series.  #SoManyBooksSoLittleTime


The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein   5/5 (library, audiobook)

A reread that never wastes my time.  My heart always breaks for Denny, even though I know what is going to happen.  This book changed the way I think about my dogs when I first read it in 2013 and reminded me why I am the way I am in regards to my dogs to this day.  I hope the movie does the book justice, but just in case, I'll keep my expectations low.


Customs of the World: Using Cultural Intelligence to Adapt, Wherever You Are by David Livermore   3/5 (Audible, audiobook)

Audible had a B1G1 sale on lecture series and I had a millionty credits I needed to use, so I selected this one because I enjoy traveling and because I live with someone from a different culture.  There were some parts that were very interesting to me, but the over-arching point of this 12 hour lecture was to be aware of your own cultural mentality/training and don't apply that to other cultures because that will only create unrealistic expectations that will not be met.

And honestly, that's a life lesson that should just be applied in general, not just to people of other cultures.


I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak   3/5 (own, ebook)

I had high expectations of this book since it's Zusak, but I can't say they were met.  There was some lingo that was lost on me because I'm not from the regions Zusak wrote about, which annoys me in general.  The concept of the book was interesting at first, then just annoying.  Like, if you don't know why you are doing these things and you have become self-aware that your life is wasting away, then why don't you just change things and stop doing the actions that you are being "forced" to do?  IDK.  I just struggled with the cards and the actions after a while.


Just One Night by Gale Forman   3/5 (own, ebook)

A novella that fills in some blanks of the Just One Day series.  It had been so long since I'd read the series that I struggled with the characters clicking back into place at first.  Then with the weird Netherlands names, oh the struggles.  This book has been in my library for years, so I finally decided to read it on a whim since it was short.  Meh, could have lived without.


Rivals!  Frenemies Who Changed the World by Scott McCormick   3/5 (Audible freebie, audiobook)

This was a freebie from Audible so I figured why not.  Why not?  Because it wasn't THAT interesting.  That said, the narrator did a good job with dry subjects and the sound effects made me laugh sometimes.  For some folks, you might learn some history, but I think I knew about all the stories in this one.  There is a 2nd book in this "series" if you're truly interested.


A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles   3/5 (Audible, audiobook)

A book friend HIGHLY recommended this book and I immediately used an Audible credit on it and listened to it and was super disappointed.  Nothing happens for 18 hours, mostly.  But apparently, I missed something crucial.  I'm willing to be educated about why I was disappointed by this book, but based on the Goodreads reviews, I wasn't the only one.

This book about a Russian Count who was under house arrest for the majority of his life.  He meets some interesting people at the hotel where he is under house arrest, as that is where he lived when the sentence was passed.  We do find out why he was under house arrest, eventually.   I still don't understand the end.  I didn't love this as much as everyone else.  Oh well, I'll be the minority.


I Was Here by Gayle Forman   3/5 (own, ebook)

Another book that was in my library for years.  Meg kills herself and her bestie, Cody, goes about finding out WHY Meg killed herself.  I caught the huge hint that was dropped in the first third of the book and from then on, the main character missing the obvious (to me) things was annoying.  Cody was also a real PITA when it came to Meg's friends/persons she knew.

I struggled with the fact that Cody was portrayed as so young, but she was old enough to "sneak off" to confront a stranger about some random shit.  It was weird.  The climax of the story annoyed me more than anything, but I was ready for the book to be over, so I trudged on.


A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum   3.5/5 (Audible, audiobook)

I think 2 less daughters would have been sufficient to make the point that the grandmother was anti-girl baby... instead, 4 daughters later, grandmother is STILL anti-girl baby and I'm tired of hearing about her comments.

I always appreciate multiple timelines/perspectives, so that was a plus for this book.  I also appreciate the portrayal of cultures different than my own, so another plus.


The Ragged Edge of Night by Olivia Hawker   4/5 (Amazon Prime freebie, ebook)

Anton is a friar turned solider turned husband.  Elizabeth is a widow with 3 kids.  Set it Germany during WW2, my ideal story setting.  I get immense joy from knowing German words that are used in books.  While the ending felt rushed, overall, I enjoyed this book.


Things You Save in a Fire by Katherine Center   4/5 (Audible, audiobook)

After reading How to Walk Away, I wanted more Center, so I put myself on the waitlist for this book and a millionty years later, it finally came.  A #GirlPower book about a female firefighter who is a beast, but she enters a world of woman-hating men when she has to move away from Austin.

Part of me was annoyed that she went into the new situation with such bias after being warned of "those kinds of men" from her Austin fire chief, but at the same time, it worked, so whatever.  The slow burn with the Rookie started to get on my nerves because Cassie was emotionally stunted from something that happened to her when she was 16 and she refused to tell anyone about it.  In fact, of all the things that annoyed me the most... Center never comes out and actually SAYS what happened to Cassie when she was 16, only that it was "very very very bad" or something to that effect.  Saying what happened gives a victim more control over the situation and that was the worst #GirlPower moments of the book.


Sapphire Flames by Illona Andrews   3/5 (Audible, audiobook)

I wanted more Nevada, but ended up with Catalina.  Ugh.  The slow burn between Catalina and Alessandro annoyed the shit out of me.  Emotionally stunted, I can't, but I want to, characters are my least favorite.  Either you do or you don't, shit or get off the pot.  Also, making assumptions about others is the best way to make an ass of yourself.. but this is fiction.  Another reviewer (on Goodreads) mentioned that this book read like a YA slow burn, and I think they were right.

Also, the Nevada bombshell at the end felt completely out of left field.  WHY?  As set up for the next book?  No thanks.


Everything You Are by Kerry Anne King   3.75/5 (Kindle freebie, ebook)

This was an Amazon Prime free book and I wasn't disappointed.  It was an easy read, but I really get tired of dancing around character's problems for over half of the book.  It's tedious and tiresome and I need to find books that create tension in some other way than failed communication.  That said, the story kept me interested and I ended up breezing through this book fairly quickly for an ebook. 

The ending felt rushed, like King was just tying up loose ends, but it also worked.  IDK, it was a weird feeling.  Also, I hated the fact that Phee was made out to be such a weirdo.  The weird curse thing was weird.  That was my least favorite thing about the book.





**TLDR: To long, didn't read.

Monday, October 7, 2019

Weekend Review {10/07}

Last week was all over the place.  Posts were late (Weekend Review) or didn't happen (Friday's post).. but life had to come first last week, and then over the weekend, life (aka sickness, owned my ass, le sigh).  But I did make an A on the test I had on Friday (with the 10 point curve), sooo I'm calling it a win.

FRIDAY

Friday was Ring Day.  This is a special days for Citadel seniors because we get our class rings.  There's a presentation ceremony and some traditions after you get your ring (saluting the war memorial, tapping your ring on the war memorial plates on the Chapel, banging your ring on the Chapel doors as a ring blessing).  I was skeptical on the whole thing at first, but I'm glad I participated.


If you look in the middle of the face of the ring, you will see the current "Class of ___" year.  The year doesn't get changed until the ring presentation ceremony.  Usually the ring is covered in the AM after it gets changed and the cover is removed at the end of the ceremony, but I arrive to campus pretty early, so it wasn't even changed or covered yet.  I did see it covered last year though.

The only time that the current class year is not on the ring is when there is a class reunion.  Then, the ring is changed to the year of the graduating class.  I remember seeing 68 on the ring one year.  I think this year will be the reunion for the class of 1970.  Since all my classes are in the same building room, I no longer cross campus and see the ring on a regular basis, so I may not see it change for the reunion this year.

The morning started out like usual, class, class, class, then Teh German came and we had lunch together.  Since the Canteen was bursting, we went back to the CS dept to have lunch.  We ended up in my dungeon since the teacher's lounge was occupied by a meeting.  Teh German was like, you're in this classroom... all day?  Yup.  Sucks, right?

I walked out to my car after my classes ended and the spot next to me was open.  I put my stuff in the spot and stood there, saving the spot for Teh German, pissing off at least 5 other people who were denied such a solid parking place.  #SorryNotSorry

After lunch, Teh German headed to the Field House where the ceremony would be taking place and I headed to the barracks where we were lining up.  We marched from the barracks to the Field House.

But first, a selfie!

Class of 2020, sweating it out.

The march to the Field House was a surprise.  I've never involved myself with any of the campus activities ever.  No Friday parade, no after hours things..  So when we marched out of the barracks and both sides of the road were lined with freshman, clapping to the beat of the drum line, I almost cried I was so (good) overwhelmed.  Behind the freshman were by-standers (parents and friend, since it was Parents Weekend) and some of the other students (juniors and sophomores).  I saw a few of my classmates, which was cool.  One was recording the march, so I'm hoping she sends me the video.

The ceremony felt like it was never ending.. Probably because active duty and day vet students were in the front this year and so I was just holding this box and I wanted to open it and see what was inside and put the ring on.. but I knew the time would come when we would be instructed to do so.. so I had to wait a millionty years (or 35 minutes, same difference).

Finally, the time came and we were instructed to put our rings on, with the number facing away from us.  We will turn the ring to where the numbers face us when we graduate.  I know it seems kinda weird, but these weird things are what make traditions, so I'll follow these fake rules.. because it's kinda fun to be included.


After the ceremony, while the cadets ran across the parade field to salute the war memorial and bang their rings on the Chapel doors, the day vets and active duty walked down the street to the war memorial and chapel.  Originally, the cadets had been told they would form up instead of running over to the memorial/chapel, but that is NOT what happened.  Oh well.

I explained to Teh German that on Thursday, at ring ceremony practice, we had discussed the fact that we weren't sure we really wanted to bang our brand new, quiet expensive, piece of jewelry on anything, tradition or not.  On Friday, that wasn't even a consideration.  Granted, I didn't slam my ring into the various surfaces with all my might, I did try to be moderately gentle when I tapped my ring on the war plates.. but I put a little bit of might behind my bangs on the Chapel doors... because tradition.

You bang your ring on the Chapel door (generally 3 times), as a symbolic prayer.  Someone mentioned it on Friday, but I can't remember the 3 reasons.  Something about thanking God for getting you this far and asking for a blessing for the rest of the year and post-graduation.  Teh German waited in the shade while all this was going down, and then we walked down to the big ring so we could get some photos, as I requested.


It was important to me to get photos WITH Teh German because without him, I wouldn't have survived the last 2 years.  He had to pick up the slack since I have more commitments now.  He's also had to deal with my emotional/stress roller coaster, and that's always a good time... not.

After photos, we headed back to the vehicles and agreed to go home and drop off a vehicle and feed the dogs half their dinner, then head back out.  I had scheduled a couples massage for us earlier in the week because I needed a massage and Teh German hadn't had one in a while (and he won't make an appointment for himself for whatever reason).


The massage was everything I knew I needed.  After my masseuse asked me how long it had been since I had a massage and I said, "During the hurrication."  He played off his surprise well, because he responded with, "Oh, your shoulders were VERY tight."  I believe he thought I was going to say many months ago or something... not just 4 weeks ago.  When I said, "Yeah, I call those my perma-knots," Teh German's masseuse really got a kick out of that.  #ISeeWhatYouDidThere.

After the massage, we headed to Kaminsky's for dessert alcoholic beverages.  Conveniently, it was still happy hour when we arrived.  I made sure to take advantage of that.  I enjoyed a chocolate martini, the starburst martini, and an almond joy martini.  The starburst drink was like drinking fruit juice, it was deliggghtful.  The chocolate martini was very delicious and the almond joy was a great dessert drink.


I ordered a dessert to go and Teh German and I agreed to pick up Famulari's for dinner.  We don't really have any reason to go all the way to our favorite Famulari's anymore, so being kind of in the neighborhood was a good enough reason.  There were no regrets.


When we got home, we managed the dogs, ate our dinner, and then it was bedtime.  The heat and the sweating while I was outside took a number on me.  In addition, I was wearing heels for the ceremony, so all of the walking was in heels and that tore me up.  PLUS the massage?  I was d.u.n.

This notification brought me joy in my brain.
But I don't feel like it FELT like 18° cooler on Saturday....


SATURDAY

Saturday, Meri was done with the sleeps by 0730... as always.  I was not though, I attempted to snuggle her to calm her down, which worked for a few minutes.  She got annoying quick and finally, I gave in, went downstairs to feed them.

After taking care of the beasts, I fed myself and then headed to the office for homework time.  I managed to get a few things accomplished.  While I was doing school things, Teh German did tank things.  I had to laugh when he came downstairs wearing long sleeves.  I told him that it wasn't that cold out (which I had observed when I'd let the dogs out) and he said he wanted to wear longs sleeves, and I laughed because he had the sleeves rolled up.  We are such winter people.


Eventually, I gave up on school things, since I was only making myself frustrated. The Hurricanes and the Capitals were playing at 7, so I went upstairs, finished up the laundry, grabbed my jersey, and headed back downstairs.

The game was blacked out on NHL, so I had to do some nerd troubleshooting to get it figured out, but I did come up with a successful work around, after paying $100 for a VPN that wouldn't work (I requested my money back).

The Hurricanes WON!  And it was an earned win, after we had a millionty penalties, which gave them several power plays.  I also told Teh German that next time, we can listen to his announcers because the announcers for the Hurricanes annoy the fuck out of me and make me so disgruntled and ragey.  At least if I'm going to hate on the announcers, it should be the other team's announcers.  Siiigh.

After the game, it was bedtime.


SUNDAY

Because my entire body was hurting when I went to bed on Saturday, I took a Flexeril before going to sleep and I had zero regrets.  At some point doing the night, I felt it hit and I might have just been a blob contained by skin.  Nonetheless, I woke up on Sunday feeling like a bag of ass.  My throat hurt and my head hurt and my skin hurt.. and I do NOT like being sick.  Know what else isn't fun?  Being sick at the same time as Husband. 

I needed to do homework things, but knew that with the way I was feeling, nothing would get accomplished, so I spent the day on the couch.  Oh yeah, and I didn't get out of the bed until 1130 (thanks to the Flexeril magicks).

We were productive about sick day.. we finally finished The Americans.

I asked Teh NY Chef if she could make chicken soup for our sick house and she obliged like the best adopted Mom anyone could ask for.  I'm not gonna lie, there's something special in that soup because for a few hours after eating it, I felt functional again.  My throat hurt, but I didn't wince each time I swallowed.


Nurse Meri was on duty, but ONLY for me.  Apparently, she didn't nurse Teh German at all last week, despite his being home sick Wednesday and Thursday.  He said she stayed upstairs at her post all day until I'd come home.  Part of me is happy with this.  Part of me is frustrated.  Happy because she loves me the mostest (and Pax too, because he didn't come down for most of the days either).  Frustrated because the dogs are always up my ass and I can't get a break.  But it makes me more happy than frustrated... so c'est la vie.


I had toast as a dinner snack.  I wasn't really hungry, but knew I needed to eat something.  Being sick is really my favorite diet plan.  During Hurrication I gained a few pounds that I've been struggling to work off.  Sickness always helps kick start minimal weight loss.

In the evening, we watched Big Mouth, instead of The Ranch, because we needed some laughs after the heaviness that was the last season of The Americans.  We headed to bed around 9:45, but I got up at 10:45 to do some homework that was due at midnight, conveniently, when my project partner was also up working on it (this partner told me he was sick with a fever on Saturday and might go to the hospital.. so when I woke up on Sunday with a sore throat, I knew I was fucked).

We didn't manage to get the code to work, and by we, I mean him, because I have ZERO idea what is happening for that project.  He said he'd rather turn it in late and get 10 points off a correct submission than turn it in on time and get 15 points off for that part of the assignment not being done correctly.  I said fine and then I went back to bed.  Teh German was still awake reading up on tank things, but when I crawled back into bed, we finally went to sleep.

______________________________________________

Monday came, as it does.  Because I had PITA Professor for 3 classes and I knew that there was a quiz in at least 2 of the 3 classes, I went in, knowing he's also there by 0730, and requested to take all the quizzes for the day so I could go back home and be sick at home.  He said ok to my request.  I spent 20 minutes taking the quizzes and returned the papers to him and headed home.

./squeeeee

Since I'm not in class today, that means I should be working on things that are due tomorrow, but with the pressure in my ears, the way my head is screaming at me, and the inability to swallow without 13/10 on the pain scale, I'm not sure how successful I'll be at accomplishing things.

This week includes:
-Quizzes and tests in all my classes.. rah
-Programming assignments in all my classes.
-Hopefully starting on a paper that has a rough draft due on 11/1.
-Tattoo session on Saturday, which I am woefully unprepared for, mentally and physically, as I have a concept of what I want, but no good example, which means that a portion of my time will spent not being inked since Noel will need to draw out the stencil, which means not taking advantage of the full day... ugh.
-I'm supposed to have a hairs did appointment on Friday, but I think I'm going to push it back because my hair doesn't look bad yet.  Also, I'm considering going somewhere different so I don't have to drive to BFE to get my hair done.  I'm all about convenience and her new shop is not convenient for me.


This week is also Teh Sister's birthday and Phil's birthday. 
Pretty sure Teh Sister is forever 14, despite what the math just told me.

If it's finally fall where you are, congratulation.  While the temps dropped into the low 80s here, it still feels hot.  Then again, I might have a fever.. or it might just really still be hot because #SouthernProblems.  Either way.  I JUST WANT TO WEAR A FUCKING HOODIE AND NOT SUFFOCATE.

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

"The Last Weekend in September" 10 Year Anniversary

I'm breaking with my current normal post schedule to post about something particularly heavy.  I debated on posting this or not, but I wanted to take the time to explore my feelings and this is my place to do exactly that.  So, if this post is not cohesive or random or all over the place, that's because that's how I feel about this.

Despite a really good weekend, I felt off when the weekend came to a close on Sunday night.  When I laid down to fall asleep, I realized it was the last weekend of September.  Not only that, but it is also 2019.  But for me, the last weekend of September is sadly, significant... and 2019 makes 10 years since The Last Weekend of September (proper noun because title) became a thing.

So what happened on The Last Weekend of September in 2010?
I was raped. 

So here's my jumbled, mixed up feelings on this anniversary.

This isn't an anniversary I want to celebrate, per se, but I do usually quietly self-acknowledge this weekend each year.  I can say that as time as passed, I think less and less about The Last Weekend of September throughout the year.

I realize that saying The Last Weekend of September is just like calling Voldemort, He Who Shall Not Be Named.. but it makes it easier for me to talk about it at all, so that's what's happening here. 

The other reason that I want to acknowledge The Last Week of September this year is not only because it's the 10 year anniversary, but also because I was asked to detail the events for a form and I couldn't do it.  Granted, it was during the Hurrication and I couldn't be stuck at home with my thoughts and feelings all while dealing with a husband and dogs who were going stir-crazy and wouldn't understand why in the shit I was so .. caught up in myself?  Lost?  IDK. 

The company that I'm working with on the form explained that the form was to help me get more disability coverage, but I just couldn't.  The customer service person explained that he also dealt with PTSD and throughout the process he had to talk about the incident a LOT.  That was all it took for me to NOT fill out the form.  I've thought a lot about why I didn't want to fill out that form and the reasons that I should have filled out that form, but I don't have regrets about not filling out the form.  I wasn't ready. 

Then, I went to my VA appointments and part of the intake questionnaire is the question, "Have you ever been raped or sexually assaulted?"  It makes me angry and embarrassed (what other people think about me) and ashamed (what I think about me) that I have to respond yes to that question.  And then I get angry that I'm ashamed and embarrassed about answering yes to that question.  Truthfully, feelings should be used to explain recursion in my computer science classes.  Feelings like these.

Then the nurse asked me if I had reported it and I said yes.  She asked if my rapist was punished and I had to explain that I didn't name my rapist because we were stationed in GTMO and everyone knew everyone and he was the sole money earner in his family and I didn't want to inflict that fallout on his wife and kids.  She asked if anyone knew and I explained that 3-4 people knew.  She asked how I dealt with having to see him around and I explained that those 3-4 people knew and they would warn me if they saw him coming to a common area where our group of shared friends was hanging out or if I just got up and walked away if I saw him coming, they would just make up an excuse for me to everyone else.  I'm not sure if her questions were for her personal interest or the questionnaire since they seemed more like intrigue questions than from a generic form, but I answered honestly.

So, in September, my rape was a hot topic of conversation for various reasons. 

The strange thing is, there are days that I can openly discuss The Last Weekend in September and there are days that I absolutely cannot.  Days that I call my VA check "rape money" and days I call it "my VA check".  It's a roller coaster.

At my VA appointment, I mentioned possibly starting therapy for my issues, but it was decided that with my current schedule, it may just be more stressful to do therapy and it would do more harm than good,since therapy is a LOT of work.  I didn't question someone telling me that now isn't the right time.  The idea of discussing The Last Weekend of September isn't high on my list of things I want to do regularly.

But, part of me wants to deal with this.
With every energy drink that someone opens near me and I smell and want to vomit.
Every year when a specific photo of me appears on my FB Memories from that weekend.
Every year when I see the vaguebooking FB status updates in the weeks that followed the incident.
When I find our dog sitter's hair in my clothes or in the shower.

I know I have triggers.
It's taken years of my inexplicable rage towards someone drinking an energy drink to figure it out.

Here's why energy drinks set me off:
The night I was raped, we were mostly drinking Mountain Dew energy drinks with vodka.  I didn't really like the taste of the energy drinks I'd tried before that, but these weren't so bad with the vodka, so this was my first time actually drinking an energy drink.  Never again.


Here's why this photo upsets me:
That is the last photo of me before everything changed.  I was happy, hanging out with "friends", dealing cards for people I thought I could trust.  I tried to wear that outfit after the fact and couldn't.  I couldn't put that shirt on.  I tried.  I wore the shorts a few times after that, but I think that was only ok since I owned another pair of khaki shorts similar to these. 

I look at this picture and feel sadness for that young woman who doesn't know that her life will change in just a few hours.  I feel anger for the "friend" who posted the photo a few days later on Facebook and tagged me.  I feel so many simultaneous, indescribable feelings when I see this photo each year and it reminds me of what I lost and how far I have come and I refuse to untag myself so I won't see it each and every year. 

I know the "friend" who posted the photo 10 years ago doesn't even know how much this photo upsets me.  I do know she tried, poorly, to console me as I was sobbing in her bathroom, after the fact.  I know that she put me to bed, in the same bed I was raped in, unaware that what had happened was actually rape, even if it wasn't a violent act.  I know that she made breakfast the next morning to encourage an "everything is normal" vibe, even though we all knew that nothing was normal about the situation.

But she didn't acknowledge that something BAD had happened and that breaks my heart because she was older than me and wiser and her kids were peering in the bathroom trying to figure out why that lady was sobbing.  Maybe, later, she did acknowledge what happened, but if that ever happened, it was never to my face. 


Here's why my own vaguebooking status updates upset me:
I was hurting so bad and I was refusing to tell anyone in the week that followed.  I was faking it and there are some vague references to being ok, but if you weren't me or didn't know me extremely well, you would have just thought I was struggling with being at GTMO and the limitations associated with that life.  My life had permanently changed and I was refusing to acknowledge it, which only hurt me more... which caused me to hurt those around me with my lashing out.  Because that's EXACTLY what happened.  And once I explained the situation, in an extremely limited way, to those 3-4 individuals, I didn't feel better about the way I acted, but they understood.  I'm still ashamed of the way I acted... but I didn't even know what was happening.


Here's why our dog sitter's hair upset me:
I came to in the middle of sex because I felt the hair of He Who Was Not Named and it wasn't the hair of the person I expected to be having sex with (shut up).  In fact, I'd never expressed any interest in this person.  The person who was having sex with me had coarse hair (because he is black) and our dog sitter is black.  The dog sitter washed his clothes at our house and showered, both of which are fine.. but finding the hairs in my clothes and in the shower wasn't expected and I was immediately transported back to 2010, in the bedroom of a child (because that's where I happened to be sleeping that night and where it happened), curious why the hair I was touching was so coarse.



These triggers literally come out of no where and when it's 10 years later and someone else's HAIR triggers you, it's extremely confusing and frustrating.  Like, it's been 10 fucking years, why aren't you over this already?  Why do these little things have such an effect on you?  Why are you so sensitive?

And I make an effort to be kind to myself, but my first reaction is never kindness.  Which only feeds into that perpetual cycle of me judging myself and me being mean to me and then telling myself that I should cut myself some slack and then being frustrated over how mean and judgy I am towards myself and being embarrassed that I'm judging myself and angry that the entire thing even happened to me and that I'm feeling this stupid cycle of feelings that goes on and on and on. 

Sometimes, I even try to rationalize that I wasn't actually raped.. and then I remember the discussion that I would sleep in one of the kid's rooms since all the kids were having a "slumber party" in one of the other kid rooms after I realized I was too drunk to drive back to my room.  I remember being tired and going into the room and closing the door.  I remember making the decision to just sleep in my clothes since I didn't have any pjs and being too tired to take off my bra.  I don't remember going to sleep.  But then, I have a flash of someone removing my pants and underwear and becoming fully aware when I realized that the person having sex with me was not the person I had expected it to be and that I was having sex at all.

I mean.. is that normal?  To try to talk yourself out of a CERTAIN TRUTH?  What level of denial is that?  Additionally, I consider myself a strong, independent woman.  I've always considered myself a strong, independent woman.  But how does a strong, independent woman get raped?  And what kind of fucked up logic is that?  Why is it the fault of the strong woman?  Why isn't the question, why did that adult male do the things he did?  I get that he was also drunk, but there was a never a point where I acted coy towards him to entice him into sleeping with me.  I didn't even look at this person in that way.  I just didn't.  In fact, if anything, I probably acted coy and flirted with someone else who was at that party, who I was interested in. 

The absolute worst part for me is that, and I feel this in my soul, the guy that I was interested in encouraged He Who Was Not Named to follow me into the bedroom and sleep with me.  That was how he operated, he was a player, which I knew, but didn't care about, and he "took care of his friends"... And then that leads into feelings of, "You deserved it, for being so morally bankrupt, you whore."  And if the encouragement from player-to-rapist wasn't fucked up enough, there's that self-chiding where I not only call myself a whore but also say I deserved to be raped because I was interested in a player.  Again, circles and circles of fucked-up-ary and cyclic feelings about how I should be nice to me... over and over and over again.



Sometimes, I feel guilty that I get so much money each month for PTSD.  Let me repeat that.  I feel guilty for benefiting from something that is actually wrong with me because something horrible that actually happened to me.  Because I didn't get shot at or blown up or lose a limb or earn a purple heart, I have a twisted mindset that I don't deserve the compensation I receive.  Like what happened to me isn't as bad as what happened to someone else... and thhheeennnn, I have to self-berate that comparing who has it worse never results in anything of value.  You cannot compare your trials to the trials of others.  Not only is it not helpful, it's MORE harmful because then you demean your own trial and undermine all that has happened to you and the strength you've gained from your experience.. as fucked up as that is. 

By failing to acknowledge that your trial IS difficult and hard and painful, you hurt yourself.  And I obviously KNOW that, but that doesn't mean I don't go in circles over and over and over with this.

Sometimes, I feel that taking my anxiety medication is a cop-out from dealing with my problems.  That I'd rather just deal with the forgetfulness rather than face my anger and frustration and feelings of hopelessness (in regards to things like school mostly) and the endless circles my brain spirals into when something like a man's hair triggers me and it's not a strong day and I'm unprepared to handle the fallout.



I don't really have a pretty way to wrap this post up.  I don't want to summarize it because there's no point.  I know these demons will continue to haunt me for a very long time, if not forever.  Even with being self-aware of my triggers and accepting what has happened, which I, apparently, still struggle with, I cannot out run these demons.  I must face them, and I consider this post as part of facing them and accepting my struggles and showing that my life isn't just cute dogs and a great husband and good friends and adventures and frustrating homework and a satisfying job.

I hope to be the person that is the same online as you meet in real life.  Even with my demons and struggles.




I have turned off comments because this is not a pity post, this is an honest, raw, feelings post.  The most difficult type of post for me to click "Publish" on. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Weekend Review {09/30}

FRIDAY

Friday was Food vs Megan day, starting with dropping my breakfast sammich on the floorboard of my car (yum, not really, I tossed it because it was covered in hair and dirt), and that sammich happened to be the last breakfast sammich in the house, so I ended up going to Bojangles.. THEN I left my lunch at school because I forgot it in the fridge when I left campus to go to work... ugh.

I ended up going to Beer Lunch so I could grab lunch.  After work, I headed to the gym, then went home.  Teh German and I took the beasts on a walk, and then I gave Meri (and Pax) ALL THE BIRTHDAY TOYS!!!

New toys.

I also had to get some selfies with my Monkey Doodle.  She was chaos and made all the selfies super good... as you can see...


Chicken leg!

Teh German and I agreed on staying in and having frozen pizza for dinner since we had Saturday plans.  We ate dinner on the couch, unusual for us, and watched The Americans until it was sleepy time.


SATURDAY

Earlier in the week, Teh German had suggested that we have a family adventure to the Parktober fest and I was skeptical, but agreed.  To me, taking the dogs anywhere is extremely stressful.  I never know how they will react to strangers.. and in this instance, drunk strangers, crowds, the car ride (Meri hates this the most), the heat.. blah blah blah.. Just call me a crazy dog mom.  FINE, I've accepted it.

But anyways, I went, because Teh German rarely suggests outings and this didn't seem like a bad idea.  Meri was definitely the star of the show with her scruffy-self.  Person after person approached us to ask what breed she was, and then we had to explain the Podenco from Spain thing, which is difficult for sober people to understand, so imagine trying to explain it to drunk people.  She was a rockstar.  I thought for sure she'd be hiding behind me, as she used to do in crowds, but she soaked up all the pettins and checked out all the things that were going on around her.

Pax refused to drink any water the entire time we were there, which had me super worried as he is a black dog and he was panting pretty heavily.  He DID finally drink some water when we got back to the car several hours later.  Whew.  We also poured water on him a few times to cool him down some, which worked out well since there was a pretty solid breeze (praise Allah, otherwise the day would have been unbearable).

For our Germanness.. Teh German was.. himself, of course.  He did wear his drei stein, zwei stein, ein stein shirt that I got for him.  I wore my Hangry Caterpillar shirt and my Birkenstock sandals for my German things.





We stayed for several hours and Teh German got to try out several different beers, which was important.  We headed home and settled in.  We had more family time outside.  Although, Pax couldn't really figure out what he was supposed to do with his bully stick if he couldn't bring it upstairs to his loft... at first.  He did eventually settle, even though he was deep throating his bully stick and we were worried he was going to just swallow it whole, he did not.


Drool evidence of a family outing on Willow.

Teh German and I hung out on the back porch for the rest of the evening, scrolling and chatting.  We did also run over to Teh SC Parents' house to invite Teh NY Dad over for an evening beer... and also to check on him (which we didn't mention) since he hadn't answered anyone's calls for several hours during the evening.

He stayed for about an hour, had a few beers with Teh German, and then he went to check on Marcie and Max and we headed to bed.

Meri switched it up on Pax.
Weirdo.


SUNDAY

Sunday morning, we agreed to go to the Flying Biscuit in Mount Pleasant for brunch.  We tried to find something closer to home or near the outlets, since we had to go to Sam's for a pickup, but all the places didn't open until 11 or were chains.  Blegh.

No ragrats.

After brunch, we stopped by Sam's and I went inside and picked up the order while Teh German waiting in the loading zone.  Next was a stop at Lidl to pick up the remaining grocery items, then back home.

I was unsuccessful at completing homework, despite hours of sitting at the computer, so I eventually gave up and went to the couch and snuggled with Meri and scrolled.  We scavenged for dinner and then finished up the evening with a few episodes of The Americans.



Oh yeah, and while I was doing homework, Teh German met someone from the internet to buy some new corals for the tank.  This is Brain.  Brain has a mouth that opens (as pictured) and it's creepy.  There are 2 other coral frags (which you can kinda see on in the middle of the left edge of the photo), but they don't glow like Brain does.

Yes, we're actually calling this coral Brain, because it is a "brain coral".  Keeping it simple, Gentle Readers.

This is what Brain looks like when the tank's blue light is on.


______________________________________________

A fantastic weekend over all.  I probably could have posted this yesterday, but didn't make the time.  YOLO, bitches.  I really enjoying having the dogs out in public, despite the stressfulness.  No, I wasn't solo with the dogs, but Pax not drinking water was alarming.

This week includes:
-homework.  Ugh to almost being time for midterms.  My Lexapro is getting a serious workout.
-Thursday is my laser hair removal appt, finally.. after being rescheduled 4 times, no jk (the machine broke, my BJB prohibited my visit, my appointment was a on a training day).
-Friday, I get my Citadel class ring!

This weekend, I'll be doing homework since I have programming assignments due in 3 of 5 classes.  I expect that midterm test dates will also be announced in the next week or so, and I'm not looking forward to that debacle.  I also need to write an 8-10 page paper so it's done.  Sometimes, I really don't understand how to get all this shit done, keep up with what keeps coming, and manage to do well.  It's probably for the best that I've accepted the "come what may, as long as I graduate in May" attitude about this whole thing. 

Happy October, Gentle Readers.
Also, if you're in the North and want to send down some cold weather, my hoodies are ready and waiting.