Five on Friday #239

EINS - Random Shit

I ordered a 24 pack of Carnation Instant Breakfast shakes in cookies and cream and wild berry flavors.  I knew that the cookies and cream was delicious, so I wasn't worried about that.. but I hadn't ever tried the wild berry version... and I have now.. and I have regrets about buying 24 of them...

They are way too sweet... and that's coming from me, so that's HUGE.

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I'm a HUGE fan of some foods as leftovers because when they settle they are even better... This week's awesome leftovers were:
-baked (like actually baked in the oven wrapped in tinfoil after being coated in bacon grease and salt) potatoes topped with bbq (thanks to Teh PT Husband).
-beef stroganoff

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I purposely didn't bathe the dogs this week because I won't be here for several days to enjoy clean dogs.  I am not sorry. /shrug 

But for real, my hands stink SO BAD after petting Sandy, especially around her ears/face because of when she licks whatever she's laying on, then lays on it.   She really needs a bath the most.  And the other dogs are starting to be smelly because they also lay on her licked spots.. UGH.  So next week's goal: bathe all dogs and dog beds and bed covers, UGGGHHHH.. it's the worst.  Just trust me.

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On Wednesday, I finally tossed my hand-dandy notebook I've been using since 100% teleworking became a thing.  From work to-do's, to interview notes, to personal to-do lists, it was all there.  It was a notebook I hated (for several reasons) that I got while I was in GTMO, so I was trying to use it up.  There were 3 blank pages left and I finally decided that was enough.

And then a few hours later, I had to go fetch it out of the trashcan to reference an interview I'd done.
Because, of course.

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I had to go fetch the notebook because I was offered a job with DISA and I couldn't remember the specifics of the job.  The job would have paid a LOT more than the DOJ job, but it wouldn't have been technical (like I want).  It was located in Ft Meade, so still would have required moving.  It would have combined my intel experience + computer science things, but not in the ways I really wanted.  The interviewers had seemed liked they wouldn't be so bad to work for, but I just wasn't sold...

And so, I turned it down on Thursday morning, after discussing it with Teh German and sleeping on it.

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Workouts:

Monday:

This was a satisfactory burn.
+dog walks.

Wednesday: (holy fuck)

Look, if you're a normal person that doesn't shit talk the leaders of video workouts, good on you.. I am not that person.  Once I get tired, the shit talking starts and I'm pretty confident that pissed off Teh German.. but well, I'm fucking miserable and I'm not hurting anyone with my shit talking, soooo I shall continue to do so.

We were both dripping after this workout.  It was BRUTAL.  Also, my shoulders were sore before the end of the day and the chiro couldn't get my neck/back to pop like normal because of the abuse.
+dog walks.

Friday: (why is it so fucking hot at 0530?  To the point that it is difficult to breathe.)

+dog walks.

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For no reason other than to challenge my own domestic skills, I sometimes repair dog toys.  This involves a needle and "thread" (I use dental floss instead of actual thread since dental floss is stronger than thread and is technically "safe" to eat).

This session, I "fixed" the rocket pop and amputated a bunny leg.

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My laptop has been sitting at the Geek Squad Service Center since the 20th and ZERO diagnoses have been made.  I'm trying to be cool about it, but I am not cool.  I need to know if I'm replacing it or it's getting repaired, how fucking hard is this?  This wouldn't even be an issue if the box had been sent to me in May when I originally requested one.

I've been satisfied enough with the Best Buy warranty up to this point, despite the pain of last summer and having to send the laptop back 3 times for all repairs to be correctly completed... but this is horrible and I don't understand blaming this situation on COVID.

I dropped it off on the Aug 8th.  It arrived on Aug 20th.

IT'S AT YOUR FACILITY.
FUCKING LOOK AT IT so I can move on with my life.

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I'm gonna be honest, I was rather disappointed that my PM (aka boss) didn't come to my going away gathering.  Not sure if he's social distancing or what, but either way, I was disappointed.  I did appreciate the few people that did make the effort to come out though.

And I got my motherfuckin' fried Oreos!  I ordered them as soon as I got there and ate them before everyone had even arrived because #NoFucksGiven.

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My WoW subscription is on a monthly renewal plan and it was set to renew tonight at 8:48pm.  I just cancelled it as I've been playing less and less since I don't have a laptop to play on AND I'm about to go out of town without a laptop and won't be playing anyways.  Also, I have no idea what the new job holds, so I figured I'd cut the string.  It was good summer/end of school entertainment while it lasted, but I was already getting bored, so it's better to cut the string now than sinking even more time into it.

ZWEI - Money Shit

-Groceries
-Awkward Yeti sticker pack... I told myself no, but I've done this multiple times and I figured I'd finally just bite the damn bullet... after I found a coupon code that actually worked.
-Desk decoration to self-celebrate new job.
-Toothbrush heads
-Razor heads
-Stuff for the cleaner (magic erasers, swiffer dusters)

There were actual fraudulent charges on my credit card that I noticed when I was making this list... so I had to call Chase and report it.  So annoyed.  I hate people who do this shit.  It grieves me in my soul that people just STEAL.

DREI - From My Phone Shit

I should really just rename this section: pictures of my dogs.  /shrug

Monkey-Doodle naps warm my wine chilling heart.

Check out Pax's thicc ass thunder thighs.

Pax sleeping, a series:

When you go to get leftovers and there's only 2 bites in the bowl.... /rage.

Company Disney Trivia + accessories.
PS.  For wearing multiple sets of ears, the ideal number to wear at once is 3. 
4 creates slippage chaos.
Trust a professional on this matter.
It's me.  I'm the professional.

Friday office situation.

Lawdy this Doodlebug melts my heart when she does this...
and so many other things.

VIER - From the Internet Shit

Hurricane Laura is so destructive and bad for America, Donald is trying to get it to speak at the #RNC tonight. #HurricaneLaura2020

— NastyWomanLizStewart (@LizStewartComic) August 27, 2020

Teh Bestie highly recommends this video: Celebrating 100 Years of Women Equality.  It's an hour and a half long, and I will be listening to it on my drive up to MD tomorrow, but I trust her, so I'm putting it here for you.




YOU GUYYYSSSS...
The other day on Amazon, I was clicking around and there was a strange merman ornament listed as a suggested item I might be interested in.  Do I know why?  Absolutely not.  Did I click on it?  Yes, because I was confused why a merman was wearing a belt.  So I'm checking out this ornament and in the "people also purchased" section was MORE mermen, aptly named "Pet The Puss" and "Flaming Oh!".

I could not help myself.  I just kept clicking.  I clicked on the company name: December Diamonds and was taken to SEVEN(ish) PAGES of mermen, fairies, mermaids, and other etc ornaments/figurines + some ads thrown in.  I think what really got me was the names of the figurines/ornaments.

Some of my favorites, in no particular order:

I'm going to assume "Cock Daddy" was not allowed.

You are welcome, Gentle Readers, you are fucking welcome.

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

1. 4, 3, 2, 1, 0 more days.
2. Another job offer... even if I ultimately turned it down.
3. Lint balls from jean strings.
4. Motherfuckin' sexy mermen hilarity.
5. Going away gathering.
6. FRIED OREOS.
7. Teh German accepting a MD job offer this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. My phone being filled with cute dogs photos.  #NotSorry
9. Counting down to #Megney time!!!!!  (that would be Teh Megan + Teh Bestie).
10. People being excited for us.

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.

"The Last Weekend in September" 10 Year Anniversary

I'm breaking with my current normal post schedule to post about something particularly heavy.  I debated on posting this or not, but I wanted to take the time to explore my feelings and this is my place to do exactly that.  So, if this post is not cohesive or random or all over the place, that's because that's how I feel about this.

Despite a really good weekend, I felt off when the weekend came to a close on Sunday night.  When I laid down to fall asleep, I realized it was the last weekend of September.  Not only that, but it is also 2019.  But for me, the last weekend of September is sadly, significant... and 2019 makes 10 years since The Last Weekend of September (proper noun because title) became a thing.

So what happened on The Last Weekend of September in 2010?
I was raped. 

So here's my jumbled, mixed up feelings on this anniversary.

This isn't an anniversary I want to celebrate, per se, but I do usually quietly self-acknowledge this weekend each year.  I can say that as time as passed, I think less and less about The Last Weekend of September throughout the year.

I realize that saying The Last Weekend of September is just like calling Voldemort, He Who Shall Not Be Named.. but it makes it easier for me to talk about it at all, so that's what's happening here. 

The other reason that I want to acknowledge The Last Week of September this year is not only because it's the 10 year anniversary, but also because I was asked to detail the events for a form and I couldn't do it.  Granted, it was during the Hurrication and I couldn't be stuck at home with my thoughts and feelings all while dealing with a husband and dogs who were going stir-crazy and wouldn't understand why in the shit I was so .. caught up in myself?  Lost?  IDK. 

The company that I'm working with on the form explained that the form was to help me get more disability coverage, but I just couldn't.  The customer service person explained that he also dealt with PTSD and throughout the process he had to talk about the incident a LOT.  That was all it took for me to NOT fill out the form.  I've thought a lot about why I didn't want to fill out that form and the reasons that I should have filled out that form, but I don't have regrets about not filling out the form.  I wasn't ready. 

Then, I went to my VA appointments and part of the intake questionnaire is the question, "Have you ever been raped or sexually assaulted?"  It makes me angry and embarrassed (what other people think about me) and ashamed (what I think about me) that I have to respond yes to that question.  And then I get angry that I'm ashamed and embarrassed about answering yes to that question.  Truthfully, feelings should be used to explain recursion in my computer science classes.  Feelings like these.

Then the nurse asked me if I had reported it and I said yes.  She asked if my rapist was punished and I had to explain that I didn't name my rapist because we were stationed in GTMO and everyone knew everyone and he was the sole money earner in his family and I didn't want to inflict that fallout on his wife and kids.  She asked if anyone knew and I explained that 3-4 people knew.  She asked how I dealt with having to see him around and I explained that those 3-4 people knew and they would warn me if they saw him coming to a common area where our group of shared friends was hanging out or if I just got up and walked away if I saw him coming, they would just make up an excuse for me to everyone else.  I'm not sure if her questions were for her personal interest or the questionnaire since they seemed more like intrigue questions than from a generic form, but I answered honestly.

So, in September, my rape was a hot topic of conversation for various reasons. 

The strange thing is, there are days that I can openly discuss The Last Weekend in September and there are days that I absolutely cannot.  Days that I call my VA check "rape money" and days I call it "my VA check".  It's a roller coaster.

At my VA appointment, I mentioned possibly starting therapy for my issues, but it was decided that with my current schedule, it may just be more stressful to do therapy and it would do more harm than good,since therapy is a LOT of work.  I didn't question someone telling me that now isn't the right time.  The idea of discussing The Last Weekend of September isn't high on my list of things I want to do regularly.

But, part of me wants to deal with this.
With every energy drink that someone opens near me and I smell and want to vomit.
Every year when a specific photo of me appears on my FB Memories from that weekend.
Every year when I see the vaguebooking FB status updates in the weeks that followed the incident.
When I find our dog sitter's hair in my clothes or in the shower.

I know I have triggers.
It's taken years of my inexplicable rage towards someone drinking an energy drink to figure it out.

Here's why energy drinks set me off:
The night I was raped, we were mostly drinking Mountain Dew energy drinks with vodka.  I didn't really like the taste of the energy drinks I'd tried before that, but these weren't so bad with the vodka, so this was my first time actually drinking an energy drink.  Never again.

Here's why this photo upsets me:
That is the last photo of me before everything changed.  I was happy, hanging out with "friends", dealing cards for people I thought I could trust.  I tried to wear that outfit after the fact and couldn't.  I couldn't put that shirt on.  I tried.  I wore the shorts a few times after that, but I think that was only ok since I owned another pair of khaki shorts similar to these. 

I look at this picture and feel sadness for that young woman who doesn't know that her life will change in just a few hours.  I feel anger for the "friend" who posted the photo a few days later on Facebook and tagged me.  I feel so many simultaneous, indescribable feelings when I see this photo each year and it reminds me of what I lost and how far I have come and I refuse to untag myself so I won't see it each and every year. 

I know the "friend" who posted the photo 10 years ago doesn't even know how much this photo upsets me.  I do know she tried, poorly, to console me as I was sobbing in her bathroom, after the fact.  I know that she put me to bed, in the same bed I was raped in, unaware that what had happened was actually rape, even if it wasn't a violent act.  I know that she made breakfast the next morning to encourage an "everything is normal" vibe, even though we all knew that nothing was normal about the situation.

But she didn't acknowledge that something BAD had happened and that breaks my heart because she was older than me and wiser and her kids were peering in the bathroom trying to figure out why that lady was sobbing.  Maybe, later, she did acknowledge what happened, but if that ever happened, it was never to my face. 


Here's why my own vaguebooking status updates upset me:
I was hurting so bad and I was refusing to tell anyone in the week that followed.  I was faking it and there are some vague references to being ok, but if you weren't me or didn't know me extremely well, you would have just thought I was struggling with being at GTMO and the limitations associated with that life.  My life had permanently changed and I was refusing to acknowledge it, which only hurt me more... which caused me to hurt those around me with my lashing out.  Because that's EXACTLY what happened.  And once I explained the situation, in an extremely limited way, to those 3-4 individuals, I didn't feel better about the way I acted, but they understood.  I'm still ashamed of the way I acted... but I didn't even know what was happening.


Here's why our dog sitter's hair upset me:
I came to in the middle of sex because I felt the hair of He Who Was Not Named and it wasn't the hair of the person I expected to be having sex with (shut up).  In fact, I'd never expressed any interest in this person.  The person who was having sex with me had coarse hair (because he is black) and our dog sitter is black.  The dog sitter washed his clothes at our house and showered, both of which are fine.. but finding the hairs in my clothes and in the shower wasn't expected and I was immediately transported back to 2010, in the bedroom of a child (because that's where I happened to be sleeping that night and where it happened), curious why the hair I was touching was so coarse.



These triggers literally come out of no where and when it's 10 years later and someone else's HAIR triggers you, it's extremely confusing and frustrating.  Like, it's been 10 fucking years, why aren't you over this already?  Why do these little things have such an effect on you?  Why are you so sensitive?

And I make an effort to be kind to myself, but my first reaction is never kindness.  Which only feeds into that perpetual cycle of me judging myself and me being mean to me and then telling myself that I should cut myself some slack and then being frustrated over how mean and judgy I am towards myself and being embarrassed that I'm judging myself and angry that the entire thing even happened to me and that I'm feeling this stupid cycle of feelings that goes on and on and on. 

Sometimes, I even try to rationalize that I wasn't actually raped.. and then I remember the discussion that I would sleep in one of the kid's rooms since all the kids were having a "slumber party" in one of the other kid rooms after I realized I was too drunk to drive back to my room.  I remember being tired and going into the room and closing the door.  I remember making the decision to just sleep in my clothes since I didn't have any pjs and being too tired to take off my bra.  I don't remember going to sleep.  But then, I have a flash of someone removing my pants and underwear and becoming fully aware when I realized that the person having sex with me was not the person I had expected it to be and that I was having sex at all.

I mean.. is that normal?  To try to talk yourself out of a CERTAIN TRUTH?  What level of denial is that?  Additionally, I consider myself a strong, independent woman.  I've always considered myself a strong, independent woman.  But how does a strong, independent woman get raped?  And what kind of fucked up logic is that?  Why is it the fault of the strong woman?  Why isn't the question, why did that adult male do the things he did?  I get that he was also drunk, but there was a never a point where I acted coy towards him to entice him into sleeping with me.  I didn't even look at this person in that way.  I just didn't.  In fact, if anything, I probably acted coy and flirted with someone else who was at that party, who I was interested in. 

The absolute worst part for me is that, and I feel this in my soul, the guy that I was interested in encouraged He Who Was Not Named to follow me into the bedroom and sleep with me.  That was how he operated, he was a player, which I knew, but didn't care about, and he "took care of his friends"... And then that leads into feelings of, "You deserved it, for being so morally bankrupt, you whore."  And if the encouragement from player-to-rapist wasn't fucked up enough, there's that self-chiding where I not only call myself a whore but also say I deserved to be raped because I was interested in a player.  Again, circles and circles of fucked-up-ary and cyclic feelings about how I should be nice to me... over and over and over again.



Sometimes, I feel guilty that I get so much money each month for PTSD.  Let me repeat that.  I feel guilty for benefiting from something that is actually wrong with me because something horrible that actually happened to me.  Because I didn't get shot at or blown up or lose a limb or earn a purple heart, I have a twisted mindset that I don't deserve the compensation I receive.  Like what happened to me isn't as bad as what happened to someone else... and thhheeennnn, I have to self-berate that comparing who has it worse never results in anything of value.  You cannot compare your trials to the trials of others.  Not only is it not helpful, it's MORE harmful because then you demean your own trial and undermine all that has happened to you and the strength you've gained from your experience.. as fucked up as that is. 

By failing to acknowledge that your trial IS difficult and hard and painful, you hurt yourself.  And I obviously KNOW that, but that doesn't mean I don't go in circles over and over and over with this.

Sometimes, I feel that taking my anxiety medication is a cop-out from dealing with my problems.  That I'd rather just deal with the forgetfulness rather than face my anger and frustration and feelings of hopelessness (in regards to things like school mostly) and the endless circles my brain spirals into when something like a man's hair triggers me and it's not a strong day and I'm unprepared to handle the fallout.



I don't really have a pretty way to wrap this post up.  I don't want to summarize it because there's no point.  I know these demons will continue to haunt me for a very long time, if not forever.  Even with being self-aware of my triggers and accepting what has happened, which I, apparently, still struggle with, I cannot out run these demons.  I must face them, and I consider this post as part of facing them and accepting my struggles and showing that my life isn't just cute dogs and a great husband and good friends and adventures and frustrating homework and a satisfying job.

I hope to be the person that is the same online as you meet in real life.  Even with my demons and struggles.




I have turned off comments because this is not a pity post, this is an honest, raw, feelings post.  The most difficult type of post for me to click "Publish" on. 

Keepin' It Real: On Rejection.

I'm going to talk about some grown up things in this post, like sex and feelings... so you've been warned, particularly if you're one of my parental figures who prefers to believe that I'm a chaste little angel who does no wrong (which is, of course, completely true).

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I don't like being told no.  Like, really.  I often pout when I'm told no and then I'll eventually get over it because I'm an adult and that's what adults are supposed to do, but that doesn't mean I like it.

But this problem took on another level recently when Teh German turned me down for sexy time.  We'd had a good weekend and there wasn't anything going on and I was like, "Ohhh yeeeeaaahhhh." and Teh German was not on my same page.  In fact, when I started putting my moves on him, he grumble/groaned like, "Ugh, not this again."  I'm pretty sure my reaction was something akin to being slapped.  I was instantly hurt.  I instantly closed up and shut down and avoided eye contact and talking and Teh German in general for the rest of the evening.  I didn't have an appetite at dinner and Teh German asked me what was wrong, like he didn't know..

But ya'll.. I didn't know.  I knew what sparked me having a problem, but I couldn't put my finger on WHY I was upset, besides being told no.  It took me about 24 hours to process.   It wasn't pretty.  I even went to bed without Teh German, which is rare.  I was afraid of the pity fuck if we had went to bed at the same time, which would only serve to enrage me more.

With some time to process, I came to these conclusions.

By being rejected in such a way, the grumble rather than being told, "Maybe later, I'd really just like to relax and have dinner now.", it felt personal.  It was about ME, since there was no reasoning behind the rejection.  And I took it quite personally.

My brain is a myriad of negative thoughts that I regularly squash down.  Mostly things that I put on myself that may or may not be true.  My brain likes to give me "credit" for decisions others make that are completely unrelated to me, like Teh German's lack of desire to "woohoo" with me at that time.  (If you got that "woohoo" reference, I'm glad you're here. #NerdBond)

Some of those things included:
-you're too fat.
-you're too demanding.
-social media is better.
-you're too much.
-you're no good at sexy time.
-you're emasculating.
-(insert any self-deprecating comment here)

And while some of those things could possibly be true to someone, they are not always true of me.  Whether that's a lie or not, I still tell myself that I am none of those things because all those negative thoughts do not need to take up residence in my head.. but damn if they didn't anyways.

Honestly, he never gave me a reason why, but when we talked about it the next evening, after I kinda sorted through my problems, he said, "I have the right to say no."  And I 100% support that.. in theory.  When Teh German asked me at dinner what was wrong, I said something to the effect of, "How would you feel if the situation was reversed?" and he mumbled something that I heard as, "mumble mumble whatever."  I then told him that he wouldn't ever know the answer to that because I don't say no.  Crickets.

Reality: I don't say no because sexy time has become so infrequent, one does not look the gift horse in the mouth.  Yes, I could initiate more and probably make sexy time a little more frequent, but often we are both tired, stressed, and excuses, excuses, excuses....

In case you were unaware, Teh German and I are in a relationship (marriage, dating, the status doesn't matter for this situation).  To both of us, that means being monogamous.  That means intimacy and sex and the deepest kind of relationship with each other, not with outside participants.  This is good for both of us.  It's never been a temptation for me to look outside of our relationship to satisfy my needs.  But, to be brutally honest, I'd rather have sex with my husband instead of taking care of my own (physical) needs solo (aka master-(de)bating).  I can get intimacy and have sex at the same time.  2 birds, 1 stone kind of deal.  I'm in a relationship with a German, we're all about efficiency.

Here's the reality.  We're well past that honeymoon phase of our relationship.  But during our honeymoon phase.. it was hot hot hotttttttt.  I keep a calendar of private events, separate from my personal and school calendars, which is where I track girl time and sexy time and while it's not necessary and it's kind of a chore, I have been able to see the downward trend.  Also, I know that if I didn't track sexy time, I wouldn't track my girl time (period week), so it's a necessary evil.

This decline coincides conveniently with my neediness.  I never realized just how much physical touch I needed until I got older and our relationship matured, we've become more and more busy.. and we just don't make time.  And then it hits me that we touch each other 4-6 times a day: maybe when we get out of bed, definitely before we leave for work, definitely when we get home from work, probably before we eat dinner, definitely right before bed.  But it's usually just a quick kiss other than when we leave for work, when we hug (if I'm not in the shower).

I started to pick up on a few things going on...

We were/are taking our relationship for granted.  There is/was no intention in our affection, just the habit/ritual of it.  What this means to me is that there was no effort being put into our relationship.  It's easy to go through the motions and put a check in the box.  It's more effort to put intention into your actions to ensure that you do things for a purpose.  I.e. you kiss your significant other before you leave for work to ensure that the last time they saw you, you wanted them to know you love them in case you're in a horrific car accident 3 miles into your drive and die.  Is that extreme?  Yes, but does it help me live with intention?  Fuck yes.

I always take being turned down (regarding sexy time) as a bad sign.  ALWAYS.  The less affection I want to show, the less I'm invested in the relationship, and I assume that is the same for the other party.  For me, choosing anything else over intimacy with your partner shows that other things are valued over the relationship/intimacy with your partner, which means your partner is not the most important thing to you, which just spirals out of control quickly.. especially if you are me.  I've been less important than a computer game, I've been less important than easy access porn and nudes from ex's.  So this is something I've become experienced in, so me escalating the issue quickly in my marriage shouldn't come as a big surprise.

But I need to understand that THIS relationship is not all my past relationships that didn't work.  I need to move on from issues that have plagued me for a very long time because they really hurt me and created scars that always remind me of the worst things.

I place a lot of weight on sexy time, when really I should place more value on intimacy.  Honestly, I wasn't really looking for sex, I was looking for intimacy.  We had had a great weekend and I just wanted to be close to Teh German.  We could have just laid on the bed and snuggled and chatted and I would have been ok, but that's not how I approached the situation.  I know that this is a personal problem, to confuse sex and intimacy, and it's something I need to work on, but I also need Teh German to be aware of my issues as I work through them.

When we talked about this the following evening, I explained that I need more affection from him and more intimacy with him.  That more affection and intimacy would mean that I wouldn't have been as hurt by his rejection because I would know that the well isn't dry, it's just not available right now, but maybe later?  I explained that we went from a lot of sex to barely any sex and well.... this doesn't work well for me.

Science tells us that as humans age, women's sex drive goes up, while men's decreases.  But Society tells me/us that men are complete sex maniacs who would never turn down sex and here's 25 ways to spice up your sex life!  Worse yet, the "spice up your sex life articles" are generally aimed towards women, so when those "suggestions" don't work out, women feel at fault.  But that's all a big lie and I know it, but sometimes I don't KNOW it.



So this is my real talk.
This is me, admitting my faults and showing my struggles.
This is me, recognizing that I have some work to do.
This is me, over-sharing something that is extremely private.
This is me, being transparent and showing the world that despite the happy words and fun pictures, strife still exists in my life.
This is me, sharing my ugly.

Welcome to the show, Gentle Readers.

Five on Friday #151

EINS - Random Shit

-My management gets me:

-Apparently the YouTube video in my solitary post while we were on vacation didn't post properly which kinda crushes me, but now it's fixed.  Ugh.

-Thanks Australian Nestle.. but let's not kid ourselves about if I'm going to eat this whole Kit Kat at once or not.

-If you are not Australian and go to visit Australia and you don't come home with a kangaroo testicle bottle opener, you're doing it wrong.

-I kept a daily "journal" of sorts of the activities we did on our honeymoon which means that there will be blog posts.  I'm also going through over 2000 photos, 500 of those being underwater photos, which require A LOT of editing to put the red back into the photos. #UnderwaterPhotographyProblems

I will say that I was shooting underwater with an action camera (aka a GoPro like camera, but an off brand), so my photos are definitely not DSLR quality.  The lesson I've taken away from this experience is that next time, I WILL rent photography gear or have my own because I know how I like to shoot and with a GoPro does not meet my needs.  I do not feel like taking pictures while diving deterred my enjoyment, quite the opposite because I was always hunting for cool things to take photos of.

-Our new AND FINAL range arrived yesterday and I'm satisfied.  Also, I don't care anymore.  I'm tired of fighting everything always, and as long as there were no obvious marks on the damn thing, it was staying.

-I teleworked on Tuesday and Wednesday because jet lag is a valid excuse.

-Teh German is going to his cigar event this weekend with Teh PT Husband and friends and Teh PT Wife and I have already planned brunch and dinner and a weekend without husbands.

-Mosquitoes that bite me THROUGH MY CLOTHING make me rationally angry.  See also: mosquitoes that HURT when they bite me.  It's one thing to make me itchy after the fact.  It's something completely different when I can feel it happening.  #DIEMOTHERFUCKERDIE

-The Caps won the Stanley Cup last night and it was EPIC.  We're not bandwagon fans, but we are new fans.  We have been Stingrays fans since we've been here, but after learning that the Stingrays feed to the Washington Capitals, I bought tickets at Thanksgiving for Teh German and I go to watch the game.  Since then, Teh German (and by default, I as well) have kept up with the Capitols.  Although at heart, I will always be a Carolina Hurricanes fan, the Caps are my #2 team since our local team feeds there.  Teh German was concerned during our overseas honeymoon about the potential to watch the playoff games (although we didn't actually not do things over watching the game, so he doesn't lose #BestHusbandEver points for that).  This is the 2nd time that hockey playoffs were potentially going to effect our vacation plans.. sooo that's a thing, lol. 

-My Audible account was going to renew at the regular $150 a year price and I wasn't about to allow that to happen (since I had paid $99 for 12 credits) and I had 2 credits I had to use before my account renewed, so I purchased From Lukov With Love and The Alice Network.  Fingers crossed I made good life choices. 

(I'm not linking these because I'm lazy, but here's a link to my Goodreads Lists)
My audiobook queue looks like this:
Every Note Played
War Storm
Us Against You
The Alice Network
From Lukov With Love

This doesn't include ebook/hard copies that I need to read:
Grave Mercy
What Happened (I have requested the audio version from the library and if it ever gets to me, I'll listen to it instead of read it since I've come to accept that I audiobook better than read books since I often need/want to be doing other things than just sitting on my ass flipping pages (i.e. cooking dinner, doing a puzzle, driving.. etc etc)
Beneath a Scarlet Sky

ZWEI - Money Shit

Honeymoon don't count.
I'll have something for this next week since we'll have been back at home for a week by then and my purchases will be reasonable.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING REAL QUICK.

There is a way, to set up Apple/Google Pay on your phone and THEN.. AND THENNNNNN....  you can just tap your unlocked phone on certain card readers and IT LETS YOU PAY.  IT'S LIKE MAGIC, GENTLE READERS!!!

I learned of this while we were in Australia, having to admit to every retailer where we used our *new* chip cards (which they've had since before 2012, FYI) that Americans live in the stone age of monetary technology.  We still had to sign our credit card slips like pigeons peasants.  Then I set up tap to pay and MY LIFE WAS CHANGED.  I wanted to pay for everything.  I'm sure Teh German didn't mind one bit. 

I was concerned that I wasn't going to be able to use tap to pay when we got back to the US...

BUT I CAN.

AND I DO.

AND IT'S AWESOME!

DREI - From My Phone Shit

When you pack/hoard apple sauces and forget what you've done and then discover it later.

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.
I want this for our bedroom.  I've decided.

I think it was like a rich woman's "coat" but really it looked like a straight jacket.

I'm still perplexed by this.

When Husband gets you and starts talking to you through his sammich box since it "had" eyes, a mouth, and arms.
#BestHusbandEver

The cutest little check delivery plate at a cafe in Sydney where we had breakfast the first morning.

Dear China, I think this is too much.
No, I do not think.
This is definitely too much.

MORE OF THESE NEED TO BE EVERYWHERE!
I struggle constantly at school to fill my water bottle at the old shitty fountains where water barely spits out.
When I saw these at the airport and it even fit my new monster water bottle, I was in lust/love.

You can't read this, but it says Yolo County.
So Yolo is a real thing... real place.. whatever.

These were at our SF Air BnB.
I hadn't yet seen the succulents around town in SF.
Succulents like treeeessss!!!
There are photos, but they haven't been processed yet.

2018 life.  There's a hub in the middle of the table with multiple outlets.

There's been a random stain on the passenger door headliner that has been driving me crazy for over 6 months that I've had intentions to clean but I keep forgetting.  While Teh German was driving us home on Tuesday, I finally took the chance to "clean" it.  I haven't checked it since I wiped it off with water and scraped off whatever was on there with a flat object.  I assume that means it's good enough for government work because I haven't noticed it.

VIER - From the Internet Shit

I've been on a #LadyPower/#GirlPower/#WomanPower kick for a hot minute now and this commencement speech had me in tears because it spoke to me so strongly.  Be the wolf.

More on #LadyPower...
I'll eventually talk about this in a book review post that I'll eventually do (probably maybe), but if you haven't read Dear Madam President, DO IT.  Even if you weren't a Hillary supporter, this short book (2.5 hour audiobook) is a letter to the eventual first female president and discusses some of the issues that most women in leadership positions have probably encountered.  There is some discussion of why Hillary lost aimed towards "because she is a woman", there is talk of the author's personal struggles with her sister's death, but there are awesome messages that hit home about not hiding your feelings because being stoic is expected that hit home so hard that I was bawling at 30,000 feet in the air surrounded by strangers while flying from Sydney to Auckland and I wasn't even a little bit sorry.. although Teh German was pretty concerned about me.


Funny definitions of different country's flags.

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

1. Being in America again.  I love traveling, but I also love knowing WTF is going on.
2. Reuniting with Meri and Pax and Teh Running Bestie.
3. OUR MOTHERFUCKING MIA SUITCASE finally being in my possession.  What a fucking saga that turned out to be.
4. Photo editing and free trials of Adobe Premiere Pro.
5. Listening to the Darth Vader breathing in our underwater videos.
6. Sweet tea and cheese biscuits from Jim n Nick's to eat away frustration.
7. Purposely calling someone to piss them off, even though I know Teh Running Bestie's work phone number changed.  #NotSorry
8. Neighbors who ensured that our shit was taken care of while we were gone (Teh PT Wife, Roux's Humom, Home Police Department who did drive-bys every day).
9. Good outcomes of Teh German's work meeting he's been dreading since he found out that it was imminent.
10. TEH CLOUD (aka, our bed).

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.

The Start of Megan's #GirlPower

I'm going to bring you back to the 90s with a Gatorade commercial and tell you how it changed my life......

I remember this commercial from middle school.  I know it was 7th grade distinctly because I would go around singing this commercial and when someone would respond, "No you can't!"  I would yell, "YES I CAN!"  (I was a real gem as a 13 year old).

But my point is... this little jingle meant more to me than I would realize until years and years later.
To this day, when someone says, "No you can't," I still respond with, "YES I CAN!"

I honestly believe that this commercial was the start of the woman I am now.  The woman who doesn't back down.  The woman who believes that, "Anything you can do, I can do better."  I don't need to be able to do things better, but in my world, I can do anything anyone else can do if I want to.  This commercial is essentially my theme song and I want to remind YOU:

Anything I can do you, you can do better.
Anything you can do, I can do better.

On Babies and Procreating.

I have a struggle.  It's about babies.  It's about not wanting them or wanting them.  It's about people's judgement and comments.

This is not a new struggle for me.
But what had happened was...

When I was sitting with the tax dude while he was doing our taxes, he said something about having 2 kids and I said, "I have 2 fur kids, it's a shame I can't get a tax credit for them."  He said, "So no human kids... yet."

Queue some Megan rage.

Just because my body contains the tools to reproduce doesn't mean I am obligated to use them.

That's the thing about humans, we can make choices about our bodies (ya know, for the most part, barring any government regulation, which is a can of worms we're not getting into right now).

Obviously, this is not the first time I've heard this comment, nor will it be the last.  "Yet," it really, really irks me... because at the end of the day, my reproductive business is no one else's business.  That's just how that works.

And then.. a few days later, a coworker brought her month-old infant to a work party so we could all meet him.  He was adorable.  I wanted to hold him, NBD, but I wasn't going to push everyone out of the way to be like, MY TURN BITCHES.  And after the other interested parties held him, he was passed on to me.. and never taken away.  He was cute and he wasn't crying and he was like a little lump.

And then what had happened was:
1- I waffled between being tired of holding him and wanting to put him in his carrier and just wanting to hold this cute, not crying infant because he was adorable and I hadn't gotten to meet him before and it's a baby, there's nothing shameful in holding a baby.
2- I felt (mysteriously) obligated to hold him.  Like, if I put him down my coworkers would think me heartless.  But I knew that by continuing to hold him, my coworkers were all thinking, "I know who is next! Tehehe."
3- I would move the baby around and everyone would hold their breath or comment that I was going to drop him.  Cue Megan rage.  Several times I had to say to someone who made a comment, "Is he crying?  Is he still alive?  Yes, and yes.. So he's fine and I'm fine and we're fine.  Thanks."

And then, Mom and Dad were ready to leave and I handed the baby back and guess what.. my uterus didn't explode from wanting.  I continued on about my day like I do.  Holding that infant didn't change my mind about my reproductive choices.  In fact, it kind of cemented my feelings even more.

There's even photographic evidence!

Maybe my reproductive choices are the problem.  And by THE problem, I mean MY problem.  Because I don't really want kids, but I'd be willing to use my tools maybe.  Teh German and I have discussed it several times and right now, we've both agreed that we do not want kids at this time.  I think what really gave Teh German pause was when I asked him why he wanted kids.  Because society/his family said so?  I'm not interested in that reasoning.... and here's why...

I told Teh German that if he really wanted to have kids, we would do it.  But it would be after I finished school.  Because I MATTER.  My priorities matter and, let's just be real for a minute, my body and time will be the most effected for the immediate time.  I also had to explain to him that all the fun stuff we do now (which he really enjoys) would definitely taper off.  Not because we're not awesome anymore, but because our priorities will have to be reevaluated to meet the demands of a tiny human.  The reality is, I'm not going to be the only one "sacrificing" because of a spawn.

Coincidentally, while I was typing this up waiting on my math class to start, a cadet was asking our professor about his day as "Mr. Mom."  I happily interjected and said, "Most people just call that, 'being a dad.""

These attitudes needs to change.
Because someone has a uterus doesn't mean it is their SINGULAR PURPOSE to create offspring and take care of those offspring.  Oddly enough, it takes two individuals to (naturally) make an offspring (in the case of humans at least) and "the nuclear family" is actually a pretty new concept.  People used to live in villages and everyone took care of everyone else, to include other's children.  Example: infants being fed from whatever female could nurse the baby.  It didn't have to be the mother.  Milkmaids were real.  They are not just from a song.

Additionally, the working woman has been around for forever.  Except that, women.had.help.  It's maybe amusing to imagine the caveman always being away hunting and the woman staying home to tend the farm and children.. but it wasn't like the man and woman lived all alone.  They.had.help.

Today, that same type of help isn't as prevalent.  This very much influences my decision to procreate.  Would I mind having a child if I know that I could go to work (which I do because I enjoy working) and someone I trust would be around to take care of the baby?  Maybe not as much.  Except that I still don't know WHY I should have a kid.  There is no reason that I, Megan LastName, NEED to procreate.

I don't need to pass on my genes for the human race to survive.
I don't feel an obligation to see what Teh German and I could create in a tiny human.
I mean, yeah, the science is cool, but the whole, still having to take care of it for forever and it getting to a stage where it talks back and acts like me doesn't surpass the thrill of "ooo, what could we make?"  It never will for me.  And also, I've seen our Snapchat face-swaps.  We should not procreate.

So this is me saying, fuck it.  Fuck whoever tries to make me feel less for not wanting children.  Especially fuck anyone who expects me to procreate because I have a uterus.  Fuck anyone who tries to tell me that I'm missing out/kids are worth it/it will fulfill me/whatever other possible reason/blah blah blah.  

In case you were waiting on it (because I sure was for a long time), this is your permission to reflect on your desires and make your own decisions.

This is your permission to be honest about YOUR desires, to tell society and whoever else to STFU because you will do what YOU want to do with YOUR body and that you have NO obligation to do whatever they did or what they expect you to do.

It is YOUR right, as a human
to make your own decisions.
Do that.