Wednesday, April 4, 2018

On Babies and Procreating.

I have a struggle.  It's about babies.  It's about not wanting them or wanting them.  It's about people's judgement and comments.

This is not a new struggle for me.
But what had happened was...

When I was sitting with the tax dude while he was doing our taxes, he said something about having 2 kids and I said, "I have 2 fur kids, it's a shame I can't get a tax credit for them."  He said, "So no human kids... yet."

Queue some Megan rage.

Just because my body contains the tools to reproduce doesn't mean I am obligated to use them.

That's the thing about humans, we can make choices about our bodies (ya know, for the most part, barring any government regulation, which is a can of worms we're not getting into right now).

Obviously, this is not the first time I've heard this comment, nor will it be the last.  "Yet," it really, really irks me... because at the end of the day, my reproductive business is no one else's business.  That's just how that works.

And then.. a few days later, a coworker brought her month-old infant to a work party so we could all meet him.  He was adorable.  I wanted to hold him, NBD, but I wasn't going to push everyone out of the way to be like, MY TURN BITCHES.  And after the other interested parties held him, he was passed on to me.. and never taken away.  He was cute and he wasn't crying and he was like a little lump.

And then what had happened was:
1- I waffled between being tired of holding him and wanting to put him in his carrier and just wanting to hold this cute, not crying infant because he was adorable and I hadn't gotten to meet him before and it's a baby, there's nothing shameful in holding a baby.
2- I felt (mysteriously) obligated to hold him.  Like, if I put him down my coworkers would think me heartless.  But I knew that by continuing to hold him, my coworkers were all thinking, "I know who is next! Tehehe."
3- I would move the baby around and everyone would hold their breath or comment that I was going to drop him.  Cue Megan rage.  Several times I had to say to someone who made a comment, "Is he crying?  Is he still alive?  Yes, and yes.. So he's fine and I'm fine and we're fine.  Thanks."

And then, Mom and Dad were ready to leave and I handed the baby back and guess what.. my uterus didn't explode from wanting.  I continued on about my day like I do.  Holding that infant didn't change my mind about my reproductive choices.  In fact, it kind of cemented my feelings even more.

There's even photographic evidence!

Maybe my reproductive choices are the problem.  And by THE problem, I mean MY problem.  Because I don't really want kids, but I'd be willing to use my tools maybe.  Teh German and I have discussed it several times and right now, we've both agreed that we do not want kids at this time.  I think what really gave Teh German pause was when I asked him why he wanted kids.  Because society/his family said so?  I'm not interested in that reasoning.... and here's why...

I told Teh German that if he really wanted to have kids, we would do it.  But it would be after I finished school.  Because I MATTER.  My priorities matter and, let's just be real for a minute, my body and time will be the most effected for the immediate time.  I also had to explain to him that all the fun stuff we do now (which he really enjoys) would definitely taper off.  Not because we're not awesome anymore, but because our priorities will have to be reevaluated to meet the demands of a tiny human.  The reality is, I'm not going to be the only one "sacrificing" because of a spawn.

Coincidentally, while I was typing this up waiting on my math class to start, a cadet was asking our professor about his day as "Mr. Mom."  I happily interjected and said, "Most people just call that, 'being a dad.""

These attitudes needs to change.
Because someone has a uterus doesn't mean it is their SINGULAR PURPOSE to create offspring and take care of those offspring.  Oddly enough, it takes two individuals to (naturally) make an offspring (in the case of humans at least) and "the nuclear family" is actually a pretty new concept.  People used to live in villages and everyone took care of everyone else, to include other's children.  Example: infants being fed from whatever female could nurse the baby.  It didn't have to be the mother.  Milkmaids were real.  They are not just from a song.

Additionally, the working woman has been around for forever.  Except that,  It's maybe amusing to imagine the caveman always being away hunting and the woman staying home to tend the farm and children.. but it wasn't like the man and woman lived all alone.

Today, that same type of help isn't as prevalent.  This very much influences my decision to procreate.  Would I mind having a child if I know that I could go to work (which I do because I enjoy working) and someone I trust would be around to take care of the baby?  Maybe not as much.  Except that I still don't know WHY I should have a kid.  There is no reason that I, Megan LastName, NEED to procreate.

I don't need to pass on my genes for the human race to survive.
I don't feel an obligation to see what Teh German and I could create in a tiny human.
I mean, yeah, the science is cool, but the whole, still having to take care of it for forever and it getting to a stage where it talks back and acts like me doesn't surpass the thrill of "ooo, what could we make?"  It never will for me.  And also, I've seen our Snapchat face-swaps.  We should not procreate.

So this is me saying, fuck it.  Fuck whoever tries to make me feel less for not wanting children.  Especially fuck anyone who expects me to procreate because I have a uterus.  Fuck anyone who tries to tell me that I'm missing out/kids are worth it/it will fulfill me/whatever other possible reason/blah blah blah.  

In case you were waiting on it (because I sure was for a long time), this is your permission to reflect on your desires and make your own decisions.

This is your permission to be honest about YOUR desires, to tell society and whoever else to STFU because you will do what YOU want to do with YOUR body and that you have NO obligation to do whatever they did or what they expect you to do.

It is YOUR right, as a human
to make your own decisions.
Do that.


  1. Amen! People need to back the hell off with the when are you having kids questions. They don't know someone's reasoning for not having them, whether yet or ever. And it's none of their damn business either!

    Also, the whole Mr. Mom/Dad shit REALLY bothers me. I hate how media portrays dads as incapable fucks. I hate how even some real life moms I know are concerned about leaving their children alone with their FATHER. I hate how people ask dads if they have to "babysit" their kids. I hate how if a dad stays home with the kids it's mind blowing & he's Mr. Mom and not just a dad. I had an amazing dad. I mean I had an amazing mom too but that's not the point right now. My dad cooked & cleaned just like my mom did. When I was little my dad did road construction which meant he was gone most of the summer but was home with us all winter. When I was older my dad has his own business out of our house so he was home with us then too. If you can't trust your man to be with your kids by himself then people need to reevaluate who they're having kids with.

    Sorry. End Rant. It clearly really really bothers me. I never want to have to make any of those questions/comments on who I have kids with if I ever have kids.

  2. How unbiblical of you! Megan Lastname, Texas shall be STONED for not fulfilling your purpose for existence!

    1. That was supposed to be YE not Texas—but i guess they’ll get stoned too

  3. My sister hates kids, is definitely not maternal and would never want any of her own. I respect that decision, fully, and I would never question why she doesn't want babies. She doesn't. End of story. And I would never ask a childless couple why they don't have any. It's entirely their decision (or possibly not). Nobody else's business.
    As for why someone would want a child... I'm not surprised Te German couldn't answer that. I really, really want children... to the extent that we're about to start fertility treatment after failing to have one naturally for over 2 years. But I couldn't possibly articulate why I want a baby - certainly not in a way that someone who doesn't want kids would ever understand. All I know is the thought of living the rest of my life without ever having held my own baby, read to them, watched my child grow and, yes, even argued with my teenager makes me feel empty. Maybe I do subconsciously think it's what society expects of me. Maybe I don't want my branch of my family to die out. Who knows. As for work... I love my job, but when I think of another 30-something years of non-stop work, I just feel tired. My job will still be there after maternity leave, and honestly it will be nice to have a break (even if that "break" does involve screaming babies and broken sleep, it will be a different kind of hard work and they do say a change is as good as a rest).

    Wow, sorry for the essay. I'm sure you didn't care about most of that.

  4. No one should have kids unless they really want them. No one should have to feel like they "Have to" have kids just because they have the tools to do so. It's a very personal choice and I completely agree that it is absolutely NO ONE'S BUSINESS. I remember right after my miscarriage people were already on me about "trying again" or "just being happy I had the one" Seriously? How is my sex life and procreation any of your business? People suck.

    That being said I will tell you why I wanted kids. I've wanted to be a mom my whole life. No calling has been greater for me. No career in the world would make me as happy as I am being a mom to Kyra and in the future baby boy. I wanted them simply because I knew that they were meant to be part of my life. I can't really explain better than that other than I just KNEW that I was meant to be their mom. I have never loved anything more than I love my little ones.

    However I know MANY people who have full and wonderful lives without kids. Many people that have full and wonderful lives with them. It's completely up to each person as to what they want and I would NEVER judge anyone, most especially a woman, for not wanting children.

    The comment about the dad UGH. WHY DO MEN GET PRAISED FOR SIMPLY DOING WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DOING???? Being considered a good dad is as simple as 'watching' your kids. UM they are your kids. You are not a babysitter. You are a dad. DO YOUR DAMN JOB. Being a good mom however is a level that apparently no one can achieve. Okay I'm ending my rant.

    Anyhow I really enjoyed this post because I fully support whatever decision someone wants to make on procreation. It is your body. It is your life. You should get to decide what you want to do with it.


    Every single incarnation of me, from the newly married NOT BECAUSE I 'HAD TO', to the person 5+ years into marriage and still no kids and not sure when, to the me struggling with postpartum and a newborn, to the current me who is totally in love with her family and happy she did everything exactly when she did it, salutes all of this.

    It would be hard to pin down a specific reason I wanted to have kids...but I did. And I'm glad I was able to do that. And I want more! It's hard and wonderful and that's okay. But it's my choice- and I did it my way. That is the most I wish for anyone; to be able to make your choice and do it your way.

    1. Oh also yes to the Mr. Mom thing. It drives hubs crazy when he goes out with the baby and he gets the "oh how nice you are baby-sitting." NO. It is his CHILD. It is called PARENTING. Not baby-sitting.

  6. Yes, yes, yes. To all the things yes. I was never motivated to have kids and Kev really wanted them. It it wasn’t for him we wouldn’t have tried. It didn’t work out for us and we chose adoptin instead. I’m beyone thrilled to have our nugget but I have never and will never be motivated to procreate.

  7. I didn't have kids. No regrets. I've had an amazing life. People always used to say I'd change my mind, but it was none of their business. Your life, your choice.

    1. I HATE when people declare that you'll "change your mind." So obnoxious.

  8. Ugh, yes. I have a ton of reasons for not wanting kids (my business, no one else's) even though I do love them and my niece/nephew bring me SO MUCH joy. Leo and I have the conversation and are aligned on that topic, so I'm with you -- if my boyfriend & I talk about it and are on the same page, I don't want anyone else's opinion about it. NO ONE'S. Don't badger me, don't question me ("what? why don't you want kids? you love them!") or DON'T doubt me, either ("once you get married, you'll change your mind.") This is a choice and if I make the decision not to do it, no one has any right to have an opinion on it. BYE.

  9. Chris and I talked about kids for a long time. There was a point that I was pretty sure we weren't going to be having any at all. Deep down, I have always wanted them. I just wanted a kid in the right conditions, when we were ready. And if that didn't happen, it was cool. I dont think your whole life should be surrounded by having a family full of human kids. I am so glad that I have Zoe, but I also think that people really over step their boundaries when it comes to kids and the reproductive status of others!


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