2022 Review

2022 was hard.

There I said it.

2022 was a year I'd prefer to not review, in fact.  I've been staring at this screen for hours and not putting words on the screen because I'd prefer to not feel those feelings again.  I'd prefer to put all the things in their tiny boxes and only pull down the good tiny boxes. But that is not the purpose of a year end review.  I'd say it's for showing you all the things we did this year, but this year consisted of 3 main themes: dogs, working out (running/crossfit), and struggles.  Sometimes those 3 things even overlapped, an actual trifecta, if you will.

2021 was full of new adventures in MD.  There were struggles and achievements, but the rollercoaster didn't feel 2022 drastic.  2022 feels like I should have taken some motion sickness medication before the ride started.  2022 is full of dirty laundry that doesn't need to be aired on a public platform and so I try to focus on all the other things, the literal running away from my problems, instead of focusing on the negative things.

January started off just fine.  It snowed, there were dog snugs, 2022 began without a hitch.

February is birthday month and Teh German came through with a spa day for us and I may have one upped him with a trip to Vegas (for a race), where I bought him a Porsche driving experience and took him to both the Western and Southern rim of the Grand Canyon.  Also, I had my hairs did and then I had a stupid bang (yes singular because it wasn't like a full fray it was only a tiny section of like 20 hairs) from breakage and I really hated it.

March is when the tribulations really began.  Our basement flooded (again) and no one could figure out why it was flooding.  There was also running and that bang.  We got some estimates for having a deck built, butttt then the whole sewer thing deterred that good idea.

April is when we learned that the sewer line that runs from our house to the public line had been BORED through and it wasn't actually connected to the public system, so really we'd been fertilizing the yard since whenever that had happened.  We had to pay for the repairs and we were told we'd get all the money back.... eventually.  Our fence was also damaged by the neighbor's landscapers AND one of the gates broke because of a windstorm.  All things that had to be repaired.  Which means people had to be contacted and harassed.  Dislike.  Also, that bang was now in my eyes.

May included a trip to "DC Disneyland" aka the Mormon temple which is opened every 50 years to the public, so that was kinda cool and a few races and lots of dog snugs.  Also, our garage started leaking in earnest.  Leaking to the point of needing repairs.. but oh yeah, we'd spent all our funds on fixing the sewer line that wasn't our fault.  Jokes about the bang started.  I threatened to just cut it off.

June was when the rollercoaster started picking up speed.  There was running and a visit from Teh BFF and my first ever Pride parade and a Starset concert.. but the worst part was having to let Sandra Dee go.  It was her time and we got 2 very unexpected years with her, but it hurt the MOST.  Like, I knew it was the right thing and I'm still not over it.  To the point that I put in a rescue application with the local Wolfhound group last week.

July was fireworks, dog sitting (and subsequent dog drama that has caused continuous relationship strife), Teh Bestie's bday celebration, rage job applications, and a trip to NC where I was able to spend a good day with my Granny (which I didn't know at the time was "a good day" and now I treasure it even more), a hike with Teh BFF while I was at home, home, and my first Drum Corps International show.  Like the predictable woman I am, when major life changes started happening, I cut my hair.  This mostly solved the bang problem.

August included a trip to Wisconsin to deliver Spinny Penny and buy all the cheese, a trip to WV to do some running in the woods, a trip to Oregon for more running, my first mammogram because I found a lump, a day-drinking bday celebration, lots of dog sitting, and finding out my Granny is actually very sick.

September, I started a new job, I got covid (literally couldn't go to my new job on the first day because I had covid and I also missed a race), did the DC Bike Ride, did some dog sitting, went to our first Orioles game, and ran 2 Ragnars. Also, solved a financial mystery that had been plaguing me for months (nope, not the sewer line repayment, but was still in contact with those people too) that gave me a lot of feelings. 

October was running and dogs and going into the office and getting injured while running.  It was fucking terrible being injured.  More dealing with sewer things.  Lots of unresolved feelings and rage about the financial mystery.

November was injury recovery, leaves, visiting the Hirshhorn museum, our 5 year anniversary, the birth of my new favorite person: my niece, getting to see Pucifer at the Warner Theater, Thanksgiving, and finally we wrapped up the month by cashing the reimbursement check for the sewer line repair.  After months and months and months (since May) of me having to send regular emails "regarding the status of this issue", I finally got some traction in Sept/Oct when I spoke with their insurance broker.  It was a sweet relief.

December held my 30th and 31st/final races of the year, Christmas adventures in Baltimore (the market and holiday lights), dog sitting, and throwing out my back.  And soon will be Crimmus (as Teh German has taken to saying) and then New Years Eve/Day.

I'd share photos, but it's a lot.  I'm tired and I looked through the monthly photo albums to jog my memory to actually write all this.. and also I don't want to have feelings.  Ironically, I was referred to and made a psychologist appointment for later this week.  Now that we've been repaid for the sewer repairs, we get to turn our attention on fixing the garage, which is proving difficult because no one seems to want to do the work and if they are willing, they want to charge us $40,000. Kthxnope.

When I write it all out, it doesn't seem like 2022 was such a bad year.  I did many fun things: ALL THE RUNNING!  All the workouts!  So much travels!  

But 2022 feels HEAVY in a way that 2021 felt shiny and new.  Maybe it's the lack of processing all the things, maybe it's grief, maybe it's the relationships that have irrevocably altered, maybe it's the decision to stay, even if walking away was the easier option (that is not a suicide reference, but it is purposely vague sorry not sorry), maybe it's because I've felt responsible for so many things that I'm finally willing to walk away from because I'm tired.  I'm not really sure.  But I know a shift is coming (has been coming?) and I'm ready to close the book on the 2022 chronicles. 

Dear Muppet,

I'd give anything for another one of your kisses or for you to drag me down the driveway again at a full sprint or to come into the living room and see you huffing and stomping because Pax was in your spot or for you to just be sitting on the couch.  You changed my life in ways I didn't see until it was over and now I can't unsee how you broke me open.  I miss you my bestest Wuffie-Wuffs and I hope there's not a single shuffle happening anymore.  -Yer Mahm.

The worst best day.

Today is the worst best day.

Today 3 years ago, I started my college career. I spent the morning at the vet with Phil, who we had to let go, then I went home for a little bit, made the announcement that Baggins was gone and the dragged myself down to the Citadel to speak with an advisor over a degree plan. I was late and explained I had put my dog down earlier that morning and she was like, "Why did you come? We could have rescheduled." I said, "Life has to go on."

And so it has. 

Exactly 3 years later, to the day, and within the same hour of meeting with that advisor, I completed my final final.

I'm relieved and anxious and scared and numb and happy and sad about it.  

Coinciding with that coincidence, I finally revealed a secret I had been keeping, the addition of a Sandra Dee (Sandy) to our pack. 

Today has been hard. I've been in my feelings about Phil and about school and next steps and the future + work frustrations + graduation disappointments and crushed expectations + the joy of 16 legs in the house and I'm all over the place. 

I write this as my Monkey-Doodle sleeps beside me on the couch, and my Paximoose sleeps on my other side on the floor (his choice, there's a bed within a foot of him), and Husband sits on the couch across from me with the Floofernoodle asleep at his feet. 

Despite the roller coaster of emotions and feelings, the strongest feeling I have is that of contentment. 

This is my life. 

This is what I work for. 

This is what I've earned. 

This is enough. 

PS.  I'll catch you up soon on the last few weeks.  Obviously, it's been crazy around here.

"The Last Weekend in September" 10 Year Anniversary

I'm breaking with my current normal post schedule to post about something particularly heavy.  I debated on posting this or not, but I wanted to take the time to explore my feelings and this is my place to do exactly that.  So, if this post is not cohesive or random or all over the place, that's because that's how I feel about this.

Despite a really good weekend, I felt off when the weekend came to a close on Sunday night.  When I laid down to fall asleep, I realized it was the last weekend of September.  Not only that, but it is also 2019.  But for me, the last weekend of September is sadly, significant... and 2019 makes 10 years since The Last Weekend of September (proper noun because title) became a thing.

So what happened on The Last Weekend of September in 2010?
I was raped. 

So here's my jumbled, mixed up feelings on this anniversary.

This isn't an anniversary I want to celebrate, per se, but I do usually quietly self-acknowledge this weekend each year.  I can say that as time as passed, I think less and less about The Last Weekend of September throughout the year.

I realize that saying The Last Weekend of September is just like calling Voldemort, He Who Shall Not Be Named.. but it makes it easier for me to talk about it at all, so that's what's happening here. 

The other reason that I want to acknowledge The Last Week of September this year is not only because it's the 10 year anniversary, but also because I was asked to detail the events for a form and I couldn't do it.  Granted, it was during the Hurrication and I couldn't be stuck at home with my thoughts and feelings all while dealing with a husband and dogs who were going stir-crazy and wouldn't understand why in the shit I was so .. caught up in myself?  Lost?  IDK. 

The company that I'm working with on the form explained that the form was to help me get more disability coverage, but I just couldn't.  The customer service person explained that he also dealt with PTSD and throughout the process he had to talk about the incident a LOT.  That was all it took for me to NOT fill out the form.  I've thought a lot about why I didn't want to fill out that form and the reasons that I should have filled out that form, but I don't have regrets about not filling out the form.  I wasn't ready. 

Then, I went to my VA appointments and part of the intake questionnaire is the question, "Have you ever been raped or sexually assaulted?"  It makes me angry and embarrassed (what other people think about me) and ashamed (what I think about me) that I have to respond yes to that question.  And then I get angry that I'm ashamed and embarrassed about answering yes to that question.  Truthfully, feelings should be used to explain recursion in my computer science classes.  Feelings like these.

Then the nurse asked me if I had reported it and I said yes.  She asked if my rapist was punished and I had to explain that I didn't name my rapist because we were stationed in GTMO and everyone knew everyone and he was the sole money earner in his family and I didn't want to inflict that fallout on his wife and kids.  She asked if anyone knew and I explained that 3-4 people knew.  She asked how I dealt with having to see him around and I explained that those 3-4 people knew and they would warn me if they saw him coming to a common area where our group of shared friends was hanging out or if I just got up and walked away if I saw him coming, they would just make up an excuse for me to everyone else.  I'm not sure if her questions were for her personal interest or the questionnaire since they seemed more like intrigue questions than from a generic form, but I answered honestly.

So, in September, my rape was a hot topic of conversation for various reasons. 

The strange thing is, there are days that I can openly discuss The Last Weekend in September and there are days that I absolutely cannot.  Days that I call my VA check "rape money" and days I call it "my VA check".  It's a roller coaster.

At my VA appointment, I mentioned possibly starting therapy for my issues, but it was decided that with my current schedule, it may just be more stressful to do therapy and it would do more harm than good,since therapy is a LOT of work.  I didn't question someone telling me that now isn't the right time.  The idea of discussing The Last Weekend of September isn't high on my list of things I want to do regularly.

But, part of me wants to deal with this.
With every energy drink that someone opens near me and I smell and want to vomit.
Every year when a specific photo of me appears on my FB Memories from that weekend.
Every year when I see the vaguebooking FB status updates in the weeks that followed the incident.
When I find our dog sitter's hair in my clothes or in the shower.

I know I have triggers.
It's taken years of my inexplicable rage towards someone drinking an energy drink to figure it out.

Here's why energy drinks set me off:
The night I was raped, we were mostly drinking Mountain Dew energy drinks with vodka.  I didn't really like the taste of the energy drinks I'd tried before that, but these weren't so bad with the vodka, so this was my first time actually drinking an energy drink.  Never again.

Here's why this photo upsets me:
That is the last photo of me before everything changed.  I was happy, hanging out with "friends", dealing cards for people I thought I could trust.  I tried to wear that outfit after the fact and couldn't.  I couldn't put that shirt on.  I tried.  I wore the shorts a few times after that, but I think that was only ok since I owned another pair of khaki shorts similar to these. 

I look at this picture and feel sadness for that young woman who doesn't know that her life will change in just a few hours.  I feel anger for the "friend" who posted the photo a few days later on Facebook and tagged me.  I feel so many simultaneous, indescribable feelings when I see this photo each year and it reminds me of what I lost and how far I have come and I refuse to untag myself so I won't see it each and every year. 

I know the "friend" who posted the photo 10 years ago doesn't even know how much this photo upsets me.  I do know she tried, poorly, to console me as I was sobbing in her bathroom, after the fact.  I know that she put me to bed, in the same bed I was raped in, unaware that what had happened was actually rape, even if it wasn't a violent act.  I know that she made breakfast the next morning to encourage an "everything is normal" vibe, even though we all knew that nothing was normal about the situation.

But she didn't acknowledge that something BAD had happened and that breaks my heart because she was older than me and wiser and her kids were peering in the bathroom trying to figure out why that lady was sobbing.  Maybe, later, she did acknowledge what happened, but if that ever happened, it was never to my face. 


Here's why my own vaguebooking status updates upset me:
I was hurting so bad and I was refusing to tell anyone in the week that followed.  I was faking it and there are some vague references to being ok, but if you weren't me or didn't know me extremely well, you would have just thought I was struggling with being at GTMO and the limitations associated with that life.  My life had permanently changed and I was refusing to acknowledge it, which only hurt me more... which caused me to hurt those around me with my lashing out.  Because that's EXACTLY what happened.  And once I explained the situation, in an extremely limited way, to those 3-4 individuals, I didn't feel better about the way I acted, but they understood.  I'm still ashamed of the way I acted... but I didn't even know what was happening.


Here's why our dog sitter's hair upset me:
I came to in the middle of sex because I felt the hair of He Who Was Not Named and it wasn't the hair of the person I expected to be having sex with (shut up).  In fact, I'd never expressed any interest in this person.  The person who was having sex with me had coarse hair (because he is black) and our dog sitter is black.  The dog sitter washed his clothes at our house and showered, both of which are fine.. but finding the hairs in my clothes and in the shower wasn't expected and I was immediately transported back to 2010, in the bedroom of a child (because that's where I happened to be sleeping that night and where it happened), curious why the hair I was touching was so coarse.



These triggers literally come out of no where and when it's 10 years later and someone else's HAIR triggers you, it's extremely confusing and frustrating.  Like, it's been 10 fucking years, why aren't you over this already?  Why do these little things have such an effect on you?  Why are you so sensitive?

And I make an effort to be kind to myself, but my first reaction is never kindness.  Which only feeds into that perpetual cycle of me judging myself and me being mean to me and then telling myself that I should cut myself some slack and then being frustrated over how mean and judgy I am towards myself and being embarrassed that I'm judging myself and angry that the entire thing even happened to me and that I'm feeling this stupid cycle of feelings that goes on and on and on. 

Sometimes, I even try to rationalize that I wasn't actually raped.. and then I remember the discussion that I would sleep in one of the kid's rooms since all the kids were having a "slumber party" in one of the other kid rooms after I realized I was too drunk to drive back to my room.  I remember being tired and going into the room and closing the door.  I remember making the decision to just sleep in my clothes since I didn't have any pjs and being too tired to take off my bra.  I don't remember going to sleep.  But then, I have a flash of someone removing my pants and underwear and becoming fully aware when I realized that the person having sex with me was not the person I had expected it to be and that I was having sex at all.

I mean.. is that normal?  To try to talk yourself out of a CERTAIN TRUTH?  What level of denial is that?  Additionally, I consider myself a strong, independent woman.  I've always considered myself a strong, independent woman.  But how does a strong, independent woman get raped?  And what kind of fucked up logic is that?  Why is it the fault of the strong woman?  Why isn't the question, why did that adult male do the things he did?  I get that he was also drunk, but there was a never a point where I acted coy towards him to entice him into sleeping with me.  I didn't even look at this person in that way.  I just didn't.  In fact, if anything, I probably acted coy and flirted with someone else who was at that party, who I was interested in. 

The absolute worst part for me is that, and I feel this in my soul, the guy that I was interested in encouraged He Who Was Not Named to follow me into the bedroom and sleep with me.  That was how he operated, he was a player, which I knew, but didn't care about, and he "took care of his friends"... And then that leads into feelings of, "You deserved it, for being so morally bankrupt, you whore."  And if the encouragement from player-to-rapist wasn't fucked up enough, there's that self-chiding where I not only call myself a whore but also say I deserved to be raped because I was interested in a player.  Again, circles and circles of fucked-up-ary and cyclic feelings about how I should be nice to me... over and over and over again.



Sometimes, I feel guilty that I get so much money each month for PTSD.  Let me repeat that.  I feel guilty for benefiting from something that is actually wrong with me because something horrible that actually happened to me.  Because I didn't get shot at or blown up or lose a limb or earn a purple heart, I have a twisted mindset that I don't deserve the compensation I receive.  Like what happened to me isn't as bad as what happened to someone else... and thhheeennnn, I have to self-berate that comparing who has it worse never results in anything of value.  You cannot compare your trials to the trials of others.  Not only is it not helpful, it's MORE harmful because then you demean your own trial and undermine all that has happened to you and the strength you've gained from your experience.. as fucked up as that is. 

By failing to acknowledge that your trial IS difficult and hard and painful, you hurt yourself.  And I obviously KNOW that, but that doesn't mean I don't go in circles over and over and over with this.

Sometimes, I feel that taking my anxiety medication is a cop-out from dealing with my problems.  That I'd rather just deal with the forgetfulness rather than face my anger and frustration and feelings of hopelessness (in regards to things like school mostly) and the endless circles my brain spirals into when something like a man's hair triggers me and it's not a strong day and I'm unprepared to handle the fallout.



I don't really have a pretty way to wrap this post up.  I don't want to summarize it because there's no point.  I know these demons will continue to haunt me for a very long time, if not forever.  Even with being self-aware of my triggers and accepting what has happened, which I, apparently, still struggle with, I cannot out run these demons.  I must face them, and I consider this post as part of facing them and accepting my struggles and showing that my life isn't just cute dogs and a great husband and good friends and adventures and frustrating homework and a satisfying job.

I hope to be the person that is the same online as you meet in real life.  Even with my demons and struggles.




I have turned off comments because this is not a pity post, this is an honest, raw, feelings post.  The most difficult type of post for me to click "Publish" on. 

Five on Friday #185

EINS - Random Shit

-I had to go to Summerville to sign our taxes this week.  Just so happens that a Nothin' Bundt Cakes was on my way home.  I stopped in to get at least one "bundtlet" (a mini/personal size bundt cake) and I could smell the raspberry cakes they were cooking AND they had samples of it.. soooo I came home with a lemon and a white chocolate raspberry and I had ZERO RAGRATS.

-No new plans made on the German front yet.  Life this week included prioritizing lazy time and spending time with Teh German since his birthday was Tuesday.

-Thankfully, Teh German came home from work on Tuesday and had a change of heart about staying in.  We went to Famulari's at Cane Bay (which was a mistake since they really aren't that good, but it took us half the time to get there as our favorite location), then on the way home we stopped at Walmart for some things.  I pointed out to Teh German that when you enjoy looking through the home improvement section as part of your birthday "celebration" you really might be in your 30's.

-Yesterday I saw someone get t-boned because stopped traffic was letting someone turn left and the person in the right lane didn't realize since traffic was stopped and their lane was clear.  Thankfully, no one was in the passenger seat, but it definitely wasn't my favorite way to start the morning.  Also thankfully, there was an unmarked cop in traffic several cars back, so he heard the noise and flipped on the siren and lights and attended the scene.  Finally, thankfully, both cars were able to pull off into the McDonald's parking lot, so there was no traffic backup.

-It really it a poor life choice to tell yourself you'll get gas on your way into whatever you do in the AM.  And that's exactly what I did to myself.  So Thursday, I was already running late, I stopped to pick up breakfast because I hadn't properly planned, saw the accident, then still had to get gas, eat my breakfast, and make it to class on time.  Just in case, I messaged my professor on Slack to tell him I might be late.  I walked in a 0928, 2 minutes before class started.  #LikeABoss

-I, generally, look at my homework as soon as it is assigned.  I 100% definitely DO NOT wait to look at the homework until the night before or the day of and then proceed to ask the person who asked me 2+ weeks ago if I'd looked at the homework yet because they needed help, for help.  But that is exactly what 2 of my classmates did to me on Thursday morning.

Look here, Bro.  IDGAF about your inability to plan properly.  I wanted to do this fucking homework 2 weeks ago, but none of you fuckers took the time to even look at it to start to help me, so fuck you.  I did sit down with another classmate and worked on it a few days before it was due and we hammered it out with relative easy, assisting each other when we struggled.  It was delightful.  I was willing to do that with anyone, but noooo.  And then for one of the persons who asked me for help 3 hours before it was due got an attitude with me because I didn't help them... THEN he asked if I wanted to be his partner for the final project?  Uhhh, wut?  How about, FUCK NO.

-I was tagged in a FB post, asking if I was located near the area of the event in the post, which took place in Wake Forest, NC.  I explained that I live in Charleston, SC, not Raleigh.  Poster said they were confused.  I explained that I used to live in Raleigh, but no while we'd been friends.  No harm, no foul.  Then a 3rd party, with probable good intentions, chimed in, "Even those of us who live in the Carolinas get confused."  Ummm... speak fo' yo'self.  I do not get confused about these things.

-After more debacle and calls, mostly ME calling.. still nothing on the hot flashes prescription being free.  In fact, when I called the insurance prescription company this morning, I was informed there was no way that my prescription (Lo Loestrin) would be $0 cost.  That said, the customer service rep gave me a "correct" fax number for the doc to send a "PA" to...  after 2 calls to the doc this morning, the 2nd one when my nurse sent my call to her voicemail instead of speaking to me, I'm sure I'll be making calls for the rest of my fucking life about this garbage.  I REFUSE to pay $300 for a month of birth control pills.

Also, fun story from last weekend when I called the insurance company for this issue and the 1st time, I was speaking with someone who hung up on me and I was redirected to the main menu and had to start the process over.. then the 2nd person's "computer was updating, 'Can I call you back in 30 minutes?'" and they never called back.  So to say I'm over this shit is an understatement.  Add to the fact that my doc's nurse refuses to communicate with me in any way, responding to my emails, returning my calls, telling me to fuck off, I'm really struggling to maintain my "nice Megan" facade.

-Spring break is only ONE WEEK AWAY.  I only have to survive one more week of school and 1 midterm.  I can do this.  Then it's no school and Pittsburgh time to see Mumford & Sons.  Also, I have a ticket for sale if anyone is interested.  I know it's a long shot, but otherwise it's $100 wasted.

-I dislike being honest sometimes... Like when Teh German asked me this morning why I said something the way I did, not really because I said something in a particular way, but because he knows that something is going on and it's his way of asking what is wrong... and I admitted that I am irritated at him.  This is particularly douchey of me because 1- He had a long day and it wasn't that big of a deal, but it was to me.  2- I wasn't in the best of moods because I didn't get enough sleep.  3- We aren't going to see each other tonight.

Yesterday Teh German had to fly to NJ for a work meeting, so he was up at 0415 (which meant, so was I) then he left at 0445 (which meant he woke me up when he bumped me in the face to kiss me goodbye), then he got home at 9pm.  I was on the couch watching Grace and Frankie and I paused it to ask him how everything had went and we talked about his day for a bit.  Then he plopped down on the couch and I waited a few minutes, then un-paused my episode.  He didn't seem ready to go to bed, so we watched an episode of The Office, then it was bedtime.  The entire time, Teh German was on his phone, scrolling.  I knew he hadn't asked me about my day, but I also knew he had a long day and didn't want to put that on him.  Also, I always just blurt out everything.  I'm not the queen of mystery in anyway, so sometimes, it's nice to be asked about things, which, to me, expresses an interest.

By the time we went to bed, after laying in bed, more scrolling... I was pretty pissed.  I slept like shit.  So I admitted to Teh German I was irritated because he didn't bother to ask about my day after he got home.. instead, he spent time on his phone scrolling, which, I pointed out, was how he had spent the majority of his time at the airport.  There's nothing to be done for it after the fact, but I didn't even get an apology (not a surprise), so I'm in all kinds of feels and I hate it.  I also hate that he probably thinks I was trying to make him feel bad, which I wasn't, I was just trying to explain my feelings.  Considering Teh German doesn't tell me about his feelings, I shouldn't feel bad, since I am only assuming he feels bad.  IDK.  I'm tired of emotional constipation and having to hold it all together all the time.

I'm exhausted, Gentle Readers.  I'm emotionally and mentally drained..  I miss intimacy.  Not sex.  Intimacy.  And I also miss deep communication.  Not day to day dribble, but feelings and thoughts, communication of substance, which feeds into intimacy.

I'll end with this.
There's 2 hard things about marriage.
1- name change.  fuck that. don't ever do it.  Trust me.
2- Communication of substance.  It takes effort.  Effort is hard when day-to-day is hard.

ZWEI - Money Shit

-Chegg subscription.  Don't judge me.
-Vacuum filters for Roomy and the Shark.
-Groceries/house things
-Groupon for pizza since Teh German picked a place that had a Groupon for his birthday.
-Bojangles breakfast x2 this week.  That means 2 days of forgetting to thaw my breakfast sammich. Booooooooo/yay.
-2 bundt cakes from Nothin' Bundt Cakes
-Gas

DREI - From My Phone Shit

Teh German bought this "damaged" sign at the Beer Festival event.
I won't lie.  It's pretty cool.  Even if it's more than I would have paid.

The trifecta of perfect toilet:
seat up (unused), water blue (recently cleaned), automatic flushing.

The Cleaners left us a caterpillar surprise.
Definitely made me lol.

This keeps happening and my computer is barely a month old.
I should take it back, but faaaaccckkkkkkkk.

Look.  I used this fucking thing.  I still hate it.
I (over)steamed broccoli.

After being super frustrated regarding a printer situation that was resolved by simply resetting the router (after I'd been unsuccessfully troubleshooting for 45 minutes), this paper cut was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The next day... this happened.
Of course it fucked up the rings and now I have to buy a new binder.
Add to my rage list: .this.

When Husband isn't home for dinner.
#NotSorry

2 bitches chillin.

💗💛💚💙💜

What is the playing surface of the New Orleans Superdome called?
Mardi grass.

VIER - From the Internet Shit

If the hangers in your closet look like this, you are an animal.
I cannot.
CAN NOT.

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

1. Teh German had to go on travel this week, but it was just a day trip, not an overnight trip.
2. Nothin' Bundt Cakes and free samples.
3. Completing the taxes stuff this year and the accountant billing me via Venmo.  Lawd, I love when people use technology.  Although, he totally could have used better emojis.
4. Going out for Teh German's birthday.  He didn't want to celebrate over the weekend and I didn't really like that.
5. The only homework I had to do this week during the evening was print something out.  Granted, that was more painful than the actual assignment....
6. Finding shows on Netflix I want to watch.  One day.  When school is no longer in my life.
7. Not getting a parking ticket when I was parked in a not-parking space.  I really hate when there are events on campus and normal shitty parking is even shittier.
8. A $150 bonus for good work I've done for one of my projects.  I didn't know one of my PMs had put me up for it.  Apparently, he fought for 3 months to get it for me.  I was super appreciative.  Especially considering that it was in the same year that I got written up (for invalid reasons)...
9. Not going to this gym after Monday.  My wrist was hurting from last week and Monday made my legs hurts and I have a half on Saturday.  Not going to the gym meant accomplishing other things and resting for my run.
10. This song:

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.

Keepin' It Real: On Rejection.

I'm going to talk about some grown up things in this post, like sex and feelings... so you've been warned, particularly if you're one of my parental figures who prefers to believe that I'm a chaste little angel who does no wrong (which is, of course, completely true).

_____________________________________________

I don't like being told no.  Like, really.  I often pout when I'm told no and then I'll eventually get over it because I'm an adult and that's what adults are supposed to do, but that doesn't mean I like it.

But this problem took on another level recently when Teh German turned me down for sexy time.  We'd had a good weekend and there wasn't anything going on and I was like, "Ohhh yeeeeaaahhhh." and Teh German was not on my same page.  In fact, when I started putting my moves on him, he grumble/groaned like, "Ugh, not this again."  I'm pretty sure my reaction was something akin to being slapped.  I was instantly hurt.  I instantly closed up and shut down and avoided eye contact and talking and Teh German in general for the rest of the evening.  I didn't have an appetite at dinner and Teh German asked me what was wrong, like he didn't know..

But ya'll.. I didn't know.  I knew what sparked me having a problem, but I couldn't put my finger on WHY I was upset, besides being told no.  It took me about 24 hours to process.   It wasn't pretty.  I even went to bed without Teh German, which is rare.  I was afraid of the pity fuck if we had went to bed at the same time, which would only serve to enrage me more.

With some time to process, I came to these conclusions.

By being rejected in such a way, the grumble rather than being told, "Maybe later, I'd really just like to relax and have dinner now.", it felt personal.  It was about ME, since there was no reasoning behind the rejection.  And I took it quite personally.

My brain is a myriad of negative thoughts that I regularly squash down.  Mostly things that I put on myself that may or may not be true.  My brain likes to give me "credit" for decisions others make that are completely unrelated to me, like Teh German's lack of desire to "woohoo" with me at that time.  (If you got that "woohoo" reference, I'm glad you're here. #NerdBond)

Some of those things included:
-you're too fat.
-you're too demanding.
-social media is better.
-you're too much.
-you're no good at sexy time.
-you're emasculating.
-(insert any self-deprecating comment here)

And while some of those things could possibly be true to someone, they are not always true of me.  Whether that's a lie or not, I still tell myself that I am none of those things because all those negative thoughts do not need to take up residence in my head.. but damn if they didn't anyways.

Honestly, he never gave me a reason why, but when we talked about it the next evening, after I kinda sorted through my problems, he said, "I have the right to say no."  And I 100% support that.. in theory.  When Teh German asked me at dinner what was wrong, I said something to the effect of, "How would you feel if the situation was reversed?" and he mumbled something that I heard as, "mumble mumble whatever."  I then told him that he wouldn't ever know the answer to that because I don't say no.  Crickets.

Reality: I don't say no because sexy time has become so infrequent, one does not look the gift horse in the mouth.  Yes, I could initiate more and probably make sexy time a little more frequent, but often we are both tired, stressed, and excuses, excuses, excuses....

In case you were unaware, Teh German and I are in a relationship (marriage, dating, the status doesn't matter for this situation).  To both of us, that means being monogamous.  That means intimacy and sex and the deepest kind of relationship with each other, not with outside participants.  This is good for both of us.  It's never been a temptation for me to look outside of our relationship to satisfy my needs.  But, to be brutally honest, I'd rather have sex with my husband instead of taking care of my own (physical) needs solo (aka master-(de)bating).  I can get intimacy and have sex at the same time.  2 birds, 1 stone kind of deal.  I'm in a relationship with a German, we're all about efficiency.

Here's the reality.  We're well past that honeymoon phase of our relationship.  But during our honeymoon phase.. it was hot hot hotttttttt.  I keep a calendar of private events, separate from my personal and school calendars, which is where I track girl time and sexy time and while it's not necessary and it's kind of a chore, I have been able to see the downward trend.  Also, I know that if I didn't track sexy time, I wouldn't track my girl time (period week), so it's a necessary evil.

This decline coincides conveniently with my neediness.  I never realized just how much physical touch I needed until I got older and our relationship matured, we've become more and more busy.. and we just don't make time.  And then it hits me that we touch each other 4-6 times a day: maybe when we get out of bed, definitely before we leave for work, definitely when we get home from work, probably before we eat dinner, definitely right before bed.  But it's usually just a quick kiss other than when we leave for work, when we hug (if I'm not in the shower).

I started to pick up on a few things going on...

We were/are taking our relationship for granted.  There is/was no intention in our affection, just the habit/ritual of it.  What this means to me is that there was no effort being put into our relationship.  It's easy to go through the motions and put a check in the box.  It's more effort to put intention into your actions to ensure that you do things for a purpose.  I.e. you kiss your significant other before you leave for work to ensure that the last time they saw you, you wanted them to know you love them in case you're in a horrific car accident 3 miles into your drive and die.  Is that extreme?  Yes, but does it help me live with intention?  Fuck yes.

I always take being turned down (regarding sexy time) as a bad sign.  ALWAYS.  The less affection I want to show, the less I'm invested in the relationship, and I assume that is the same for the other party.  For me, choosing anything else over intimacy with your partner shows that other things are valued over the relationship/intimacy with your partner, which means your partner is not the most important thing to you, which just spirals out of control quickly.. especially if you are me.  I've been less important than a computer game, I've been less important than easy access porn and nudes from ex's.  So this is something I've become experienced in, so me escalating the issue quickly in my marriage shouldn't come as a big surprise.

But I need to understand that THIS relationship is not all my past relationships that didn't work.  I need to move on from issues that have plagued me for a very long time because they really hurt me and created scars that always remind me of the worst things.

I place a lot of weight on sexy time, when really I should place more value on intimacy.  Honestly, I wasn't really looking for sex, I was looking for intimacy.  We had had a great weekend and I just wanted to be close to Teh German.  We could have just laid on the bed and snuggled and chatted and I would have been ok, but that's not how I approached the situation.  I know that this is a personal problem, to confuse sex and intimacy, and it's something I need to work on, but I also need Teh German to be aware of my issues as I work through them.

When we talked about this the following evening, I explained that I need more affection from him and more intimacy with him.  That more affection and intimacy would mean that I wouldn't have been as hurt by his rejection because I would know that the well isn't dry, it's just not available right now, but maybe later?  I explained that we went from a lot of sex to barely any sex and well.... this doesn't work well for me.

Science tells us that as humans age, women's sex drive goes up, while men's decreases.  But Society tells me/us that men are complete sex maniacs who would never turn down sex and here's 25 ways to spice up your sex life!  Worse yet, the "spice up your sex life articles" are generally aimed towards women, so when those "suggestions" don't work out, women feel at fault.  But that's all a big lie and I know it, but sometimes I don't KNOW it.



So this is my real talk.
This is me, admitting my faults and showing my struggles.
This is me, recognizing that I have some work to do.
This is me, over-sharing something that is extremely private.
This is me, being transparent and showing the world that despite the happy words and fun pictures, strife still exists in my life.
This is me, sharing my ugly.

Welcome to the show, Gentle Readers.

Weekend Review {2/13}

FRIDAY

Despite the desire to sleep in, I came into work at regular time since I knew I was leaving early to meet with our photographer.  Work was uneventful.. until I left.  As I was leaving, we got word that we rewon one of our big contracts.  While everyone is excited, because yay paychecks, I've kept quiet because the customers are idiots and super needy and ask for things that really aren't achievable so we end up jumping through a lot of hoops, obviously my opinion, which is what matters in this space.

I saw all these messages about it as I was driving downtown.  I arrived downtown around 1:30.  I lucked out and found a meter spot that still had 1:15 left on it!  SCORE. It was actually a double win because one of the last time we had went downtown, I had used almost all my change for parking.  I managed to find some not pennies in my wallet and fed the meter.  Since I had so much time on my meter, I bumped it up to almost 2 hours and with some of my remaining change, I added time to my neighbor's meter that had run out.  Conveniently enough, I saw the meter maid coming out to check the meters as I walked away from the car.  Good deed of the day, complete.

I had gotten downtown early because I had wanted to stop at a Black Tap Coffee to pick up a new coffee for Teh German to try.  I could have ordered it online, but I'm cheap and shipping costs are stupid when I live in the same area, so I waited until I knew I'd be downtown to swing by.  I'm certain the barista (or is it baristus since it was a dude?) thought I was quite special.  I explained to him that coffee wasn't my thing, but I was getting it for someone who would probably just add water to the ground and just drink it that was if it wasn't so crunchy.  He did at least laugh at that and recommended 2 different bags.  Not one to make these decisions or have a desire to need to go downtown for any reason in the near future, I bought both bags and had them ground up so I wouldn't have to do it in the ninja (ghetto, I know, but it works).

Coffee in hand, I headed to Thoroughbred Club to wait on my photographer.  Doesn't that name alone make you want to just not go there?  Ok, well it did me because it only looks like $$$$$$$ to me.  I think he suggested it because it's in a centralized place downtown and it's classy.  I made it to the plaza and sat down at the bar (after looking for the photographer) right at 2. And proceeded to wait.  And wait.  Finally, at 15 after 2, I called and left a voicemail and texted.  My bitch mode was on high because 1- I don't like to be kept waiting and 2- I might have made a poor life choice and only ate half of someone's loaded fries for lunch, so I might have been a little hangry.  Also, I was in a super classy restaurant in a hoodie because it was maybe 40°F outside (don't worry, it was 75° the next day) and I was uncomfortable because these were not my people.  Finally, there was another lady sitting at the bar, eating her (I'm certain) overprice chicken tenders and fruit as loudly as possible with her mouth open.  Have I ever mentioned that chewing sounds get under my skin?  Yeah.  If I can hear you chewing from 5 seats down at the bar, you're doing it wrong.

Almost immediately I got a call back from the photographer saying that our appointment had been deleted from his calendar somehow and he'd be there in 15 minutes.  I was so ragey.  I knew I needed to calm down, so I did what any sane adult at a bar would do, ordered a beverage. Specifically, I ordered a Pimm's fruit cup because someone on FB had mentioned it and I couldn't stop thinking about it (you know who you are).  It wasn't the best, imo, but it did the trick.  Especially on my mostly empty stomach.  While I chugged sipped my drink, I also pulled out my phone to read.  Maybe it was the drink, maybe it was the book (Jojo Moyes, how I adore you), but by the time Nick arrived, I was maintaining my bitch face to make a point, then I lightened up as he apologized and explained how embarrassed he was.

We chatted for a while.  Had it not been a professional meeting, it would have felt a lot like a date.  It was mostly a get to know you type of meeting, but also I had some questions about the wedding and engagement shoot that he was able to answer.  The biggest thing he helped me with was the time line for the day of.  What this means is that I was able to finalize the website and I can get started on the invites since I know the ceremony time now.

Knowing my meter was a tickin' and the meter maid was prompt, I explained that I needed to head out.  His girlfriend had been waiting in the lobby, so he understood.  Overall, I'm really excited about Nick has our photographer.  I'm hoping the same can be said of the DJ.  What is with these wedding vendors cutting me so deep?

I made it back to Yurtle with 3 minutes left on the meter.  #likeaboss

Since it was after 3:30, I knew I was going to have to deal with some Friday rush hour traffic, ugh.  Thankfully, it wasn't too bad.  I had texted Roux's Humom to let her know that I was on my way to the gym and we met there.  After a much needed sweat session, I headed home, where Teh German was waiting.

We didn't have anything planned for the evening.  We agreed to go on a short walk with Roux and his Humom and then we came home to be lazy.  We did decide to do a take away order from Sushi 101 since I had a $2 coupon.  This later came to bite us in the ass.  Teh German had agreed to pick it up and when he got there, they charged him again!

When he got home, he seemed to be mad at me for the situation and I explained that we could go back the next day and take care of it.  Not really that big of a deal, just an inconvenience.  Nonetheless, the evening was kind of soured.  I wanted to comment about how it tends to happen every weekend almost that something happens that sets him off which puts a damper on the entire weekend, but I just let it go.

After dinner, we cleaned up and set to the task of holding down the couch.  I worked on the wedding website, setting up the domain, while Teh German social media-ed.  We stayed up later than I expected, but Teh German finally called bedtime and we headed upstairs.

Side story:
Since Wednesday evening, Phil has been lame.  He's been limping and not using his left hind leg.  But my dogs, despite their cuteness, are incredible drama llamas.  It took me hundreds of dollars to learn that they need an observation period before I run to the vet with them.  I purposely didn't post about it because I know a lot of people who are immediate "take it to the vet" people.  Don't get me wrong, that's fine, but that doesn't work for me.  Every time I've done that I've been told "Well, it's normal, come back for a check up in 2 weeks/if it gets worse."  Phil's original phantom limp (which was because he didn't like wearing a sweater), Meri when she "ate" Motrin (which I don't think she did more than chew on a few pills, but we couldn't be sure), Meri when she had blood coming from her bum (normal in dogs apparently). 

On Thursday evening, things seemed to be getting better.  But on Friday morning, I had made an appointment with the vet for Monday, just in case he needed it.  On Friday we went for a stroll because he seemed fine!  Then Saturday he wasn't using his leg and was having a hard time lifting it to get on/off the slumber balls.  He was also hopping on 3 legs through the yard.  Honestly, I would have taken Phil to the vet on Sunday if they had been open.  Knowing we had an appointment on Monday, I administered more tramadol, which I had been giving him since Thurs to control the pain, and hoped for the best.

SATURDAY

Teh German had to work, but I stayed in bed and Meri snuggled with me and tried to exfoliate my face with her frito feet.  So cute.  I finally got up around 10 and started being a human.  I did more work on the wedding website.  I had some issues Friday night but quickly found out that my adblocker was causing the problem and it's a wix issue that they are aware of. Around 11:45 Teh German came home and we had a noon Skype date set up with Papa G that I had requested on Friday morning while I was having a mini breakdown about the hotel situation for the visitors.

We discussed the dates that they were planning on being in Charleston and I asked where they'd like to stay: near the venue, near downtown, or near our house?  I didn't realize I had walked into a trap.  The Germans apparently needed invitations NOW.  So they could figure out the hotel situation.  I explained that I had just finished the website the night before and it had all the hotel/event info they needed.  I even sent them the address.  Yet, Papa G insisted that they needed something formal.  With as much calm as I could muster (very little), I finally said, "The wedding is 10 months away!"

Of course, that was met with the laughs from Teh German and Papa G that Germans like to plan, blah blah blah.  He repeated they needed invitations by the end of the week and I point blank said, "No.  I can probably have invitations to Germany by the end of March."  I gave myself a month to generate, receive drafts, and have our invitations printed out AND sent to Germany.  Unacceptable.  Again, Germans need something formal, a save the date, something.  Instead of trying to explain I gave up.  Teh German could tell I was frustrated, but still said, "Ok, we'll send save the dates by next week."  Uhhh, what the what?  The conversation restarted in German, but I didn't try to understand because I was so frustrated.  When we ended the Skype call, I had my first wedding planning breakdown.

I tried to remain as calm as possible and explained to Teh German that we had scrapped our save the dates idea because we were planning on sending out invitations early.  My goal was to have invitations to invitees by the end of April, which would (technically) leave 6 months to plan hotels and flights.  Except that Papa G had already been talking to the Germans, they knew the date, so it wasn't like they could plan the hotel/flight situation.  Teh German said that wasn't early enough. 

I finally reasoned it out to him and explained why I had said the end of March was the earliest we could get invitations to Germany.  IT.TAKES.TIME.  The only decision Teh German has put forth regarding invitations was saying "that one" out of the 4 options I gave him.  Not overly difficult.  I explained that we had cut out save the dates when we decided to send formal invites (which I hadn't wanted to do because it's just a piece of paper that will most likely get thrown in the trash and said piece of paper cost me at least $1 just to have printed.  That doesn't include any stupid enclosure cards or RSVP cards or special lettering) and he said, "Fine, I'll take care of it.  I'll take it out of my own checking account."

Queue breakdown.

I said, "That's not how this works!  We created the budget!  We said we weren't going to do it!  And really, are you gonna go hand write save the dates just to send to Germany?"
Him, "Yes, if I have to."
Me, "Ok, have fun with that."

I then went on to tearfully explain that I had worked for over a week and a half on creating the stupid wedding website and no one had even bothered to look at it and see what was there.  Obviously Papa G had just received the link, but if he would take the time to even look he would see that most of his questions were answered from the website.  The date, the time, the hotel situation.  And had Teh German bothered to look at it, he would have been able to tell Papa G that instead of just saying ok to whatever he demanded.

Instead of trying to reassure me that it was going to be fine, Teh German just sat there and messed with his phone.  The conversation was over.  I went back to the computer to tweak the site (which feels never ending) and try to calm down. 

A bit later, Teh German said he was going to head to the outlets to pick up some new crossfit gloves and go by Sushi 101 to get his money back.  I had planned to go with him, but I would have needed to shower and I was almost finished with something on the computer.  I had asked him if he was planning on riding the bike and he said no since it was too windy.  As I finished what I was doing, he said, Ok, I'm leaving then.  Rather than explain that I had planned on going with him, I just let him leave since it seemed like he kinda want to go by himself.

I finished up the site (as good as it's gonna get) and called Teh Running Bestie to have a meltdown.  She wasn't available, so I started reading.  I was drained, so I eventually laid down for a nap.  Teh Running Bestie called back 30 seconds before Teh German got home and I didn't answer since I was laying down, which worked out since Teh German was home so soon after.

I was still laying on the couch when he came in.  He didn't check on me, assuming I was asleep, but let the dogs out and ran upstairs and came back downstairs and let the dogs in and went out into the garage.  Eventually, I got up and did some laundry.  Then I decided I should just shower and get out of my funk.  I turned on some jams and showered.

I was messing around the kitchen when Teh German finally came in and announced that both vehicles had been washed (I think he washes both vehicles to be able to use the pressure washer for longer).  Calmly, I explained to him that when there are tears, I really just need some reassurance, hugs and kisses are also a good option, but him sitting there looking at me like I have 6 heads isn't helpful.  To which he responded, "7 heads," and kissed me.  He's such a cute jerk.

Since it was close enough to dinner time, I headed up leftovers and we sat down to eat.  We agreed that we would go to the neighborhood ladies/couples night later that night... and we discussed this save the date issue.  I explained to him that there were many things at play during our conversation with Papa G.  1- Teh German is very reactive to Papa G.  What he says goes.  2- Teh German always gets stressed out by Papa G.  3- I am very empathetic and when Teh German is stressed, I automatically take on/share that stress, which creates a very volatile situation.  4- We were being told something we have to do, for our wedding.  5- I knew that Papa G's problems would be mostly solved by using the website.  All of those factors combined = my first wedding breakdown. 

Teh German said something about save the dates for just the Germans so they could have a date to plan around and I fully gave in and said fine to German save the dates.  But I had criteria.  1- The solution had to be cheap.  2- He was required to help.  If I was working on designing them, he would be sitting with me NOT on Instagram or Facebook.  With some searches, I discovered save the date postcards.  That seemed easy enough.  I could design something simple in Photoshop, print them out, and send the group to Germany for Papa G to apply postage and mail out.  My only cost would be labor and the paper we picked. 

While Teh German showered to get ready for the neighborhood event, I almost went out and bought postcard paper, but told myself to calmith my titith.  When Teh German came downstairs, I explained that we needed to go buy paper on Sunday for the save the dates and then we could work on the design, which he needed to google and find something simple for me to generate.  He agreed.

Neighbors picked us up around 7:30 and we headed to the party.  It was actually a really good time.  There was food and we got to hang out with more cool neighbors who we don't usually see on "International Blvd".  My only issue was that I had worn flip flops and we were asked to remove our shoes when we came inside... I had no socks so I had to walk around barefoot all night.

Our ride decided it was time to leave around midnight, which was fine by us, since we were pretty intoxicated, but had been chilling in the living room on the couch with most of the others who were also tired of standing in their bare feet on non-carpeted floors.  Our drive home was quick, duh, and we were in bed soon after the dogs were taken care of.

SUNDAY

For the 3rd day in a row, Phil woke me up while it was still dark outside with his whining.  Because he was drugged, I was feeling extra bad for him, and he's hurt so fiiiiiine, I'll let him out.  Additionally, my head was killing (because of pressure changes and being slightly hungover), so I wanted to take something for my headache.  Since it was 0530, I went ahead and fed them so I didn't have to get up again in an hour.  When I finally got back in bed at 06, I murmured to Timo that the dogs were his problem for the rest of the day since I had done middle of the night duty for the past 3 days.  He got up around 0745 and was headed downstairs when I realized what was happening and told him I'd already fed them.  I don't think he was ever more grateful to come back to bed.

We finally got up around 10.  We agreed to eat breakfast at home, then go to Michael's to pick out save the date paper, go by the grocery store, then come home.  While I wasn't in a hurry, Teh German Time was too much for me and I had to motivate him a few times.

We made it to Michael's and took about 5 minutes to decide on paper.  The pad we got was 5x7 cardstock and when we got to the parking lot, I checked to see if any UPS store were open so they could cut the paper down to 4x6, which is regular postage price in the US.  They weren't open, so we headed to Publix.  While there, Teh German realized he was kinda hungry.  He kept wandering away, being lured by snacks and other foods. 

When we left Publix, I asked Teh German if we could stop by the new pet store that just opened 2 doors down from Pubilx and he said yes.  We checked out the store, I spent a quarter of what I had just spent at the grocery store at the pet store for the dogs, then we headed home.  We hadn't gotten far when Teh German remembered he needed to go back by Sushi 101, so we turned around for that. 

Once he got his refund from Sushi 101, we headed home.  While I put away groceries, Teh German took care of the beasts.  After groceries were put away, I pulled out a frozen pizza for hangry McGee's late lunch and headed outside to scoop poop and call Teh Running Bestie.  We chatted for a while and Teh German even delivered my pizza outside and we ate while chatting with Teh Running Bestie on speakerphone.  After we got off the phone, I texted Roux's Humom to bring Roux over for a play date. 

While we sat outside with the beasts, Teh German and I worked on the save the date.  Meri and Roux weren't really playing, so Roux's Humom took him home and we agreed to go to the gym at 5.  As I had predicted, I was late because I was working on the save the date.  I arrived to the gym at 5:30, after having to walk down the street some to see if her car was in the driveway.  I didn't realize we were meeting at the gym.  Oops. 

After a decent gym session, I headed home to Teh German and heated up leftovers for dinner (this is what happens when I cook all week).  While I had been at the gym, Teh German had worked on the translations for the save the date cards and had written up his proposal story for the website!  So productive!

After dinner, I set about adding his proposal story to the website, which was the final step the site actually being complete.  Then I went back to working on the save the dates.  After fiddling with the layout and getting Teh German's "approval" for the final design, I started the process of trying to print this mofo out.  I should have known better.

My Epson printer and I have a hate-hate relationship.  Mostly I use it to print out coupons for shopping and other crap jobs, so I don't overly care how the print looks.  But now, I want to use it for something legit.  Despite cleaning the nozzles and resetting all the settings (much to my dismay), the printer and I are still at odds and after some googly research, I learned that it might be due to my not-Epson print cartridges.  Black is printing grey and the colors are very light.  Fantastic.  After getting the printer to print properly and realizing my ink problem wasn't fixable that night, I went on Amazon and ordered Epson ink cartridges (this is me waving at the idea of "cheap" save the dates) and finally headed upstairs to bed.

Of course, I had to come back downstairs no less than 3 time for various things.  The most important of those trips was tell Phil good night.  Because of his hip/leg thing, he's been sleeping downstairs.  This pains me because it upsets our routine.  While I was telling him good night, I explained that I know I had told him that whenever he's ready, I'll be ready to do whatever he needs me to do, but this year, I wasn't ready.  I promised him a cheeseburger if the vet visit ended with "it's not cancer." 

After 11, we finally crashed in bed.

________________________________________________

Overall a roller coaster of a weekend, but mostly relaxing.  While I could have spent my Sunday reading, instead I spent it staring at my computer screen playing in Photoshop.  While I do enjoy the challenge, it was not something I wanted to do, so I'm kind of bitter about it.  That said, the design is done, so as soon as the ink arrives, I can print them out and get them on their way to Germany to quell the German panic from Papa G.  That said, since the Germans are receiving save the dates, I am way less inclined to get their invitations to them by the end of March and I will probably make it more like May, partially because they've been notified, partially because I'm an asshole, and mostly because I spent a VERY long time working on the website and bitches better use it.

I took all of 6 pictures this past weekend and they were mostly of Meri outside being adorable.

Cantaloupe juice is the shiznit.
Essentially just put cantaloupe in the blender and voila, juice.

lots of this all weekend.

with spurts of this.

Oh and "I" vacuumed this weekend.
And by I, I mean that I moved Roomy the Roomba upstairs.

My yard decoration

Her broken ears.. she thought she was in trouble because I made her stay for the photo.
BTW, she has a mouse behind her too, so that makes a total of THREE mice close-by.
At least she brought ONE in with her.

Monday update on Phil:
At 0845 this morning I called the vet to see if they had an cancellations.  An 1120 had opened up, so Phil and I went in for that appointment.  While it was a traumatic experience for both of us for me to lift him into the car and then at the vet I tried to lift him out and when he refused to let me, I stood and begged him to let me help him out of the car, he decided to just jump put on his own like he was fine.  Dick. 

Most importantly, the vet said that she didn't see any cancer in the leg xray, which was the most important thing due to his age and his breed.  We aren't sure what caused his injury, but he had fluid in his leg and might be fighting an infection.  His temp was fine and this morning was the first time he seemed uninterested in eating, but he still ate most of his breakfast.  Meri was kind enough to finish it off for him when he went outside.  He jumped in and out of the car after our vet visit because he's a dick.

As I had promised, I stopped at McDonald's on the way home and ordered cheeseburgers for us for lunch.  I didn't eat all mine, so I let Meri have the remains and Phil got a burger all of his own.  This is a first.  Never, ever, evvverrr have my dogs gotten to eat more than a few bites of leftover burger or fries from a fast food place.  They've had ice cream cones and whipped cream, but nothing like a burger.  That's how you know it was a BIG deal.