Weekend Review {07/22}

FRIDAY

Friday was Chem test day and work.  I left the office a bit earlier than normal to go back to the windshield replacement place since my windshield washer fluid didn't work.  The tech said it had a "kink" in the hose, butttt the fact that my windshield wipers aren't currently trafficking the full distance of the windshield on the driver's side, creating a HUGE block in my windshield visibility would maybe suggest I had the FNG (fucking new guy) who was in a hurry to get done and didn't bother to do any quality tests to make sure all my shit worked properly.  Apparently, there is a way to make the windshield wipers traffic based on how they are rotated or clip in or something, IDK, I read about it on the internet and had someone explain it to me, but I'm not doing it myself when they fucked it up.  I mean.. come the fuck on, it's not that difficult... unless you're 1- not paying attention or 2- in a rush.

Anyways, I considered going to the gym, but talked myself out of it, of course.  I went home to more packages at the door!  My (last) Woot Boxes of Crap.  While these boxes have been fun, they are mostly a waste of money for me and even the "big" item in the box hasn't been anything that great, IMO.  We got a Fire Stick in a box a while ago and this big box had a Blink camera in it, which Teh German will set up to watch the fish tank, probably.

The most ironic things in this box of crap?
The Chemistry study guide thing and the grow "aquarium".
By far the best item?
The retractable roasting sticks.
Teh German did say the airbuds had pretty good sound quality, which surprised both of us.
Teh PT Husband received the golf tees, otherwise, the rest of it is donate/white elephant stuff.

This was the Limited Edition Box of Crap.
The Blink camera came in this box.
Other crap I kept: the reusable bag, the cell phone looking thing (it's actually a stress squeezy thing that I'll give to my laser lady), 2 squawky monkies for Pax, the hangers, and the plastic container.

Squawky monkey already lost his arm because it was dry rotted.

Then this happened with said Squawky Monkey:

If you watched the video and didn't see it.. Squawky Monkey is still on top of the GerMerican flag.  Teh German was like uhh dafuq?  But once I explained what happened, he laughed.  And now Squawky Monkey is still hanging there, making me giggle every time I traverse the stairs.

Other things that arrived in the mail:

New watch bands, so I could replace that silly putty/flesh band that came with the Galaxy Watch.
IDK whose good idea that was, but they need to not be allowed to make decisions.

New Sparkle Skirts.
I 100% did NOT need these, but they were on sale and Sparkle Skirts never go on sale... so I did it.
I did return the capris that came with this order.  They were a huge NOPE.

Teh German was a better person than me and went to the gym, so I patiently waited on him to get home by filling my time with work things and then couch time.  We agreed to go out to dinner at Boxcar Betty's, which is a mix-up for me since I don't usually do fried chicken sammiches.  But I wanted something fast, something close, and something easy.  Dun.

The face you make when it's WELL past your dinner time and your husband doesn't understand that we needed to leave 30 minutes ago and he's just farting around doing whatever he does when he refuses go at the pace of another person....
#JesusTakeTheWheel

I finally pulled the wifely, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  It's past my food time," and Teh German finally quit fucking around and put his shoes on.  I still have no idea wtf he was doing, but I was ready to kill him.  Not so coincidentally, I was wearing my hangry caterpillar shirt.. so I mean... I warned him...

We had dinner, then we hit up the mall because Teh German had dropped his phone in the parking lot at work.  I suggested we check out the place in the mall that advertised screen repairs, so he could avoid having to make a trip downtown to the Apple store to have the screen replaced.  While we waited on the screen replacement, we picked up Dairy Queen and walked around Books-A-Million, where I talked 2 people into buying at least 2 of the Cards Against Humanity color sets.  #SorryNotSorry  Finally, once his phone was repaired, we headed home.

When we got home, we had the finances conversation that I had warned him about before we left work.  I had said it would happen that night or before the end of the weekend, and rather than let it loom over us all weekend and me ultimately loose my bravery, I just bit the bullet after we got home from dinner.  I pulled out Teh German's laptop and we both signed into our financial websites and checked the balances and decided on a game plan to get rid of these car payments.

When I first started the conversation, he was very, "Do we have to do this now???"  I insisted I just wanted to get it over with and he didn't protest anymore.  (Praise hands, yall).  We both agreed that we wanted to get the vehicles paid off by next summer since that's when the GI Bill money will no longer be coming in.  Essentially, paying off the vehicles will be GI Bill money that has been coming in, when it comes out in the wash.

We both ended up putting a huge chunk on our vehicle payments, something Teh German has been saying he's going to do since he bought the truck, but that is neither here nor there...  😒  We also agreed that after the vehicles are paid off, we'll be doubling up on the house payment.  We both acknowledge that Charleston is probably not our forever place, so to have the house more paid off than if we'd been paying the minimum payment is an ideal situation for when the time does come.

All that remains...

After our money chat, it was bedtime.

SATURDAY

Initially, I wanted to go to the gym on Saturday.  I wanted to wear a new skirt and I wanted to test out the Galaxy Watch during a workout.  It didn't happen.  Instead, I walked the dogs on a big loop, scooped poop, then weeded the fucking flower bed, then walked the beasts to Teh Brit Neighbor's house to drop off a passionflower vine, then came back home and bathed the smelly beasts, Meri first, then Pax.

After I cleaned the beasts, I cleaned myself and then reheated my coffee and made egg salad for lunch.  I made sure to take some gas-x with that, like the adult I am.  Also, life is better with an egg slicer.  I'm not really sure why I have an egg slicer, but I'm not sorry.  Also, next time, I'm only slicing 2 ways because I think the chunks were too small slicing 3 ways.  YOLO, bitches.

Teh German had been doing yard work and outside projects all morning and we didn't eat until around 2.  That said, he was in a SHIT mood when he came inside and I did the domesticated wifely duties and put food and beverage in front of Husband and still he was shitty.  I tried to keep it together and not lose my shit on him, but he kept getting an attitude with me anytime I'd try to initiate conversation and I finally had it and said to him, "I've done NOTHING to you.  In fact, the only thing you've HAD to do since you came inside is SIT THE FUCK DOWN AT THE ISLAND AND EAT YOUR FOOD.  I served everything to you.  Literally everything.  So, I am NOT YOUR PROBLEM and I do NOT deserve to be the target of your frustration."

At that, I finished cleaning up and putting everything away and went into the office to fuck around on the computer to avoid him.  A little while later, he came in and apologized for being shitty and hugged me and explained that in addition to his phone factory resetting randomly, his last backup was from mid-2018, annnnd also a weed eater attachment had fallen from the hooks and dented the rear fender of his truck.

And while that all sucks, none of that is my fault.. sooo I said, thanks and then he went back outside to do Teh German things, while I stayed inside in the AC. 

A little while later, Teh PT Husband said our smoked ribs were done and I explained that Teh German had just come inside and needed to shower, but we'd be over in a bit to fetch the ribs.  We spent the evening on the back porch, ordering pizza for dinner because Teh German suggested it.  I picked up a 6 pack of White Zombie by Catawba Brewing (woot woot for Home, Home breweries!) for Teh German to drink, if I didn't like them.  I actually put one with a Sprite and it made a pretty good radler.  Also, Teh PT Husband had a Palmetto Brewing beer that he opened and let us try and I actually liked it, so I drank that too.  It was strange for all of us.

When we got home, it was bedtime.  I stayed up reading for a while, but Teh German literally closed his eyes and was passed out.

SUNDAY

Sunday morning, Meri ensured that I was up by 0700 to feed her.  Actually, she scratched on the door, which usually means more than just feed me, so I acquiesced.  After the beasts were fed, I went back to bed and we ended up sleeping until 10. 

It was a slow start, but Pax provided some entertainment.

After breakfast, which was fridge buffet, I decided to be motivated.  I washed all the dog bed covers, after having washed the dog bed sheets and the dogs Saturday, I wanted everything to be clean.  Then I finally decided to resize the body pillow I ordered to be Megan size.

I cut it down, measuring it loosely and cutting it poorly.. Then I set about hand-stitching it closed.  An hour into the project, I broke down and started texting neighbors who may have a sewing machine.  I was so unbearably frustrated at the knots and the lack of progress that I'd made.

#Goals #ItWasAGoodIdeaAtTheTime

Teh Brit Neighbor saved me and even gave me a "Bless Your Heart" (looooooool) when I messaged her in a fit of desperation.

She was home so she told me to come over.  She had me fixed up in under 30 minutes AND she even made a cover for the pillow out of scrap fabric AND she put in a velcro closure so the pillow wouldn't slip out... Have I mentioned how awesome our neighbors are lately?

While Teh Brit Neighbor worked, Teddy pawed at me and made sure to cop no less than 3 feels.
But he's Ted, so I didn't mind.

After the body pillow situation was remedied, I went back home and picked up Teh German, who had finished putting the final touches on the storm door (trim and the automatic close thing), and we headed to Lidl for groceries.

I had this moment of weakness thanks to Teh PT Husband's peer pressuring.
Dick.

After we got home, we put away the groceries and I headed to the pool to hang out with Teh PT Wife for a while.  When I got home, we made spaghetti for dinner, with meatballs from Teh NY Chef for Teh German (they were spicy).  He was super delighted with the meatballs in his spaghetti.  After dinner, we cleaned up, then sat down to watch a few episodes of The Americans before bed....

And then.. it was bedtime and the weekend was over.  Boooo.

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I literally want to hug my chem teacher for tests on Friday and free weekends.  That's the difference between teachers who don't give a fuck and teachers who actually want you to succeed, IMO.  Professors who understand that their class isn't the only class and that mental breaks are important.  Can we also acknowledge the INSANE difference between last summer and this summer? 

Last summer when I literally hated everyone and everything and no amount of anxiety medication helped and I cried and cried and struggled.. and ultimately ended up failing my first ever college course and making my first ever D in a college course and I was ok with it because at least I didn't have to take Calc 2 again and the failing course didn't affect my GPA because it was at a different college.  I mean, those were my silver linings, I barely passed enough to not have to repeat the course and I could retake the failed course at the Citadel with no repercussions.  Those are some grim silver linings if you ask me.

This year, I feel like I am kinda still on summer break.  Weekends with NO school work really makes a HUGE difference in the level of despair I feel.  I also believe that the level of despair I feel is proportional to how well I do in class.  Less despair = doing better.  I wish I could take 1 class per month through the rest of my degree.  Being able to focus on a single subject every day is more reinforcing than many subjects for a short time per day.  I guess now I can see why self-paced online college is such a hit.  Nonetheless, 284 more days.

I am excited for August though, because NO SCHOOL. 
I'm 2 weeks from the end of summer school. 
That's 2 weeks from my next Hairs Did appointment.
That's 2 weeks from another tattoo session with Noel and potentially making the trip to Home, Home with Teh German so he can ride his bike while I get inked.
That's 2 more tests and the final exam for my chem class, not including lab crap.

I got this.

Five on Friday #199

EINS - Random Shit

I have a lot of random thoughts I didn't share from our vacation, so these might be #LaterGrams or whatever the cool kids call them, but I just need to get this shit off my chest.

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First things first...  My European adventures.
While I am 10000000% grateful for the opportunity and the scholarship and the experience.. for almost the entire trip, I wasn't comfortable.  I was uncomfortable?  Maybe that's not the best word to describe it, I'm not really sure how to describe it.. Maybe more like, I couldn't settle.  I described the situation to Teh German like perpetually having a rock in my shoe or wearing incredibly itchy, uncomfortable clothes.. for probably 5 out of the 6 weeks I was in Europe.

That really wears a person down.
Eventually, minor inconveniences and small problems build up and there were a LOT of minor inconveniences (all my shit being unplugged, some of my clothes being turned pink) and small problems (public transportation).  I'm hoping that with time, I can look back fondly on my study abroad experience, but right now.. I'm still just so tired.

I made a friend and I got to hang out with our German family and friends and I ate ice cream regularly and discovered boba tea and ate delicious food and tried beers and finally traveled to a place all by myself and learned better German, which was the entire point of going, and I have ZERO regrets.

But, right now, all I can focus on is how tired in my soul I was.

I wasn't sleeping well because Europe experiences a millionty hours of daylight in the summer.  I am NOT shitting you when I say that it wasn't truly dark until after 10:30 at night and the daylight started before 0500.  And also, in Düsseldorf, there was a street light right outside my room and the mask I brought 1- had velcro on the strap that pulled my hair, 2- was uncomfortable on my ears (the strap, not the mask, duh).  Also, sleeping on the floor must be an feeling that Germans enjoy for their beds because almost every bed I slept in was so hard, my hips ached in the morning and if I didn't sleep with a pillow between my legs for some propping, I wasn't able to get comfortable because I was having to hold myself upright.. whatever it's complicated for a side/stomach sleeper with big boobs to sleep on a hard bed, ok?  OK.  Moving on.

Oh yeah, and I was sick the first week.
And then I coughed for a week and a half later, much to the annoyance of my host (which still makes me giggle).
The third week was definitely the best week, when my host lady was away and I nothing had to be unplugged, I was confident in my ability to use public transportation, I was in a groove.
The 4th week was chaos because my class ended, Teh German arrived, and I had to take that stupid exam that counts for literally nothing and I had been stressed about it for a MONTH.

Oh yeah, and the internet was slow as fuck which was like a spike being rammed into my brain every time I tried to do something like upload photos or upload a video for my Citadel German class or use the internet in a browsing type of way.  I can't imagine if I would have wanted to play some type of internet game.  Video chat was also painful, but I tried to just endure it since the time duration was set.

But this, what feels like, never ending list of shit that was mildly irritating grew and grew and grew and ultimately overshadowed my good experiences.

It was cold and rainy, which was actually enjoyable for me, but that meant it was cold in my room and my host lady didn't want me to turn on the heat and I was cold for so much of the time.

Oh yeah.. and there was no shower head holder and I had to hold the shower head while I showered and WTF?

And the tiny, tiny showers.  I hate touching cold wet things when I'm naked.. even if it's a place like the shower, especially in the shower because it's extra cold and it's always my nip or something (big boob problems) and that just makes me so fucking irrationally angry.  Then I've got like one hard nipple and it hurts because it's cold and I just don't like it.  #KeepingItRealUpInHere

There was no microwave at the flat where I stayed so I cooked one time because reheating food in a pan was not within the limits of my patience.  The one time I cooked was before I realize there was no microwave.

The hand soap at the flat was NOT pleasant smelling.  This doesn't seem like a big deal, because it really isn't, but it IS for me.  Smells matter since I'm super sensitive to smells and unpleasant smells are extremely distracting to me.  Eventually, I started using a body wash to wash my hands with in the bathroom because the smell of the hand soap was no longer tolerable.  Since I was sick, I was washing my hands all the time, so smells definitely mattered.

While I could communicate with people who knew me, it was very difficult for restaurant staff or shop workers to understand my German.  Often, I'd have to ask them to repeat what they said and they'd immediately just switch to English.  This is frustrating because I was trying to communicate in German.  I know that people were trying to just make it easier for both of us, but it was disappointing.

There, grievances aired.  Moving the fuck on.

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I need to figure out a new gym situation.  Decisions need to be made.  Do I sign up for our local gym for $60 a year or find a gym with classes included.  Work pays $25 per month as a benefit, so it cuts a chunk out of a membership fee, which opens up my options some.  I'm a little sad I won't be going back to 9 Round, but that bridge has been burned.  All he had to do was tell me I would have had to pay for the month of May anyways when I tried to cancel and I'd still be a member.  FUCK YOU, BRO.

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We finished watching the available episodes of Vikings, so we started watching The Americans (again).  Teh German and I watched one or two episodes back in 2015 when we first started dating and the rape scene in episode one was an unexpected trigger and I couldn't watch it after that.  I think we tried, but I couldn't do it.  This time, I was prepared.  And I also realized that she got her retribution, which helped me move past it.

I've heard such good things about the show, I'm excited to actually watch it.

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I am having angst about my tattoo appointment tomorrow.  Not in like a regret type of way, but in a "fuck this is going to hurt and it's a serious commitment that will require multiple appointments and lots of money" type of way.  I did send the ideas email on Wednesday, so hopefully that goes through.  I'll be in Charlotte at 12 on Saturday.. if anyone wants to come provide moral support while I go through all the stages of shock.  Hopefully, this time won't be as bad as my foot....

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Wednesday, I went on a book spree.  This is what happens when I have unused Audible credits.  I'm thinking I may have to relax my strict rules about using Audible credits.. or maybe I'm just being weak, lol.  I've put a few books on hold at the library and I'm pumped.

I won't lie, bringing Teh PT Kid to camp this week has been interfering with my audiobook time.  He likes to chat in the mornings and by chat I mean, verbalize all of his thoughts and wonderings out loud.  Mostly, I just nod and smile and give an appropriate answer when a question is asked.

But after my book spree, I decided to listen to an audiobook with him in the car, as a test to see what happens. So now, Teh PT Kid is listening to The Very Worst Missionary (by Jamie Wright) with me, and he seems to be suffering less (as am I, thanks for asking).  I actually think he's kinda interested in the book, but I'm super lame-o, so he would never admit it to me.  Although, Thursday morning when he got in the car, I told him that I hadn't listened to my audiobook without him so we could listen to it together and he kinda perked up.

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I finally visited the bookshop that opened near my office.  The owners of the bookstore are the same people who own the mobile book store (aka book trailer) that used to park at the coffee shop across the street.  In fact, one of the cadets in my Networking class is the brother of one of the owners.  #SmallWorld.  I successfully went in and came out without buying anything, although there were many temptations.

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Our luggage arrived a day earlier than expected (ya know, if you don't consider that whole, was late by a week, thing).  🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

Nothing was stolen and nothing was broken.   🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

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Teh Running Bestie had collars made for the beasts.. I'm worried about the whiteness and how short of a time that will last, but I do really love these.

It's hard to see, but it's the SC palmetto tree in a pastel/rainbow-tie-dye color pattern.
Originally, this print was only for Meri, but we couldn't find a more masculine color for Pax, so he got a matching one.
#YOLO bitches

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The exterminator came this week to treat for spiders and bugs and shit... and when I went outside and noticed the MASSIVE spider web/nest still in the patio furniture, I almost called to complain.  I didn't because I've been extra bitchy and this might be PMS.  But also because, maybe patio furniture isn't covered?  IDK.  I'm still annoyed.

It's kinda hard to see, but if you click it to enlarge, you'll definitely see the hole between the chair and the cushion.
This beast goes from the screen to the chair and through the tree.. and well... it's outside, so I'm not gonna kill whatever it is.
But that's a big fucking web and I'm not really interested in finding out exactly WHAT lives in this.
I'm kinda hoping that Teh German will vacuum the patio furniture this week and this issue will resolve itself (for me).

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I ran a 5k last weekend and the photos of me are remarkably terrible.  Just wanted to share these gems because they are so unappealing and made me laugh. 

I ran the last 1/2 mile with the lady in the photo.
She is a marine who struggles with endometrosis, which is why she was running so slowly.
We bonded over endo agony and she kicked my ass for the last 1/2 mile when I wanted to slow down, but keeping up with her meant going faster than my normal pace.

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It's PMS/shark week and I cannot get enough quiet.  Like in a general way, but also in a "be still and know" way.  But it also feels scary because this quiet is dark and twisty and maybe not so healthy.  There was a long time that I was bright and sunshiney and, when I look back on the time now, full of life.  But now.. IDK.  Something has shifted and life doesn't feel bright right now. 

Life feels heavy and subdued. 
I woke up one morning before the alarm this week and an incessant stream of only things that has pissed me off or things that DO piss me off coursed through my brain and I was helpless to stop it.  There was zero reason for it.  The fact that every time I tried to redirect my thoughts I was unsuccessful, only served to piss me off more. 

I know it's probably a season, but it's dark here and I'm not really enjoying it.
I know that I'm anxious about the remaining year of school I have to endure/struggle through.
I have some suspicious that Teh German is dealing with something that he hasn't really shared with me.  Not in a bad way, just in a strange behaviors type of way..  specifically the spending of money on items with high price tags.  Based on my own behavior, I tend to shop when I'm stressed out or when I need to deal with something difficult.  I'm not saying that his spending is the same as when I spend, but we often deal with things in similar ways, so I'm moderately suspicious.  I think it's time for a heart-to-heart, but that conversation is always difficult to initiate when you live with someone who would (also) rather just ignore the problems until they go away (and they never do). 

Additionally, Teh German has been in a stellar mood since we got back home.  Like, SUPER happy, and I don't want to potentially kill that vibe with his angst after I tell him I have some potentially awkward shit to talk to him about (aka, "We need to talk." but in different words so man-brain doesn't meltdown).

For real, the last time we had a heart-to-heart, he told me next time maybe we could have these discussions at a different time, as I often chose when we are laying in bed about to go to sleep to bring these hefty issues up.  When I asked when a better time was, his only suggestion was, "Not before bed?".. and I had to explain to him that there wasn't a better time because he didn't like having the conversations at all so there was never a more convenient time for him. 

During dinner after we've already had stressful days?  No thanks.  While we're getting ready in the morning and time is short?  No thanks.  In the evening when I'm fighting the homework monster?  Nope.  While we're out to dinner?  I don't like having these conversations in public because these are often private matters.  On the weekend during the slow start that is supposed to be relax time?  These conversations are not relaxing for either of us, so that defeats the purpose of the slow start and sometimes these conversations piss one or both of us off (to have to have them (me)/to have to participate (him)), so that's not really the way I want to start a weekend...

Lawd, why is marriage/are relationships so hard?  Ugh.

But for real.. if anyone has wisdom or a secret to make it easier.. I'm all ears.

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I'm 100% planning on stopping by Krispy Kreme tomorrow on my way to Charlotte to try this new doughnut they are releasing.  In fact, I've already checked the locations map to find the ones off the interstate for my convenience.  #NotSorry #FatKid #PMSwoes

ZWEI - Money Shit

-Groceries, duh.
-Screen protectors for my watch
-New harness for Meri, that will be returned because it's too big around the neck and almost too small around her chest.  #SighthoundProblems
-Power strip and outlet extender with USB ports since apparently including the electrical plug for charging cables isn't a thing anymore....
-New fun watch band
-Boba tea straws
-Utility bills
-Gas
-City gym membership
-Dentist bill
-Bojangles for breakfast on Wednesday
-Impromptu groceries

DREI - From My Phone Shit

Thanks Waze for capturing that MPH speed on the Autobahn.
If you can't read it, it says 113 MPH.

Duolingo understands my European internet plight...

Tits McGee needed to be shared again because she makes me cackle.
Thanks Vatican Museum for this gem.

No ad has ever spoken to me directly as much as this one, good job European Charmin.
The only way to buy super sized rolls like this in America is from stores who sell to businesses and that's always crappy TP (toilet paper).
I actually buy 2 different types of TP because of the size.  The smaller rolls go in the downstairs bathroom because 4 rolls will fit in the drawers and the guest bathroom because the large rolls are only for our bathroom.  #TPsnob

I don't like 3 Musketeers in general, but this is the special Easter version.
Thanks to Teh NY Chef for this Easter gift that I discovered when I got back!

Set up my mini-figs from Teh Running Bestie and Teh Chief Smartass.
L to R: Edna Mode, Hunkules, Hades.

The return of the white board jokes, back by request.
I walked down the street and the houses were number 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.

Bought a new travel soap dish.
Maybe since this one is green and not clear I won't lose it?
Fingers crossed.

I tried to make my own boba tea at work.
Lesson: Do not add regular creamer to boba tea to make it milk tea.
That's not how it works.

IDK why he doesn't appreciate my afternoon radio sing-along.  I listened to him chatter away each morning.
Although, once he falls asleep, I turn on my audiobook... I mean, I'm benefiting here.

I made salmon patties for the first time ever.
Super simple, if you don't include the part where I had to debone the canned salmon.

Lawd, I missed snuggles with my Monkey-Doodle.

Literal street art.
By Patch Whisky, based on a general assessment of other works around town.

When your mexican street corn sauce becomes HOLY FUCK CILANTRO mexican street corn...
Oops, #SorryNotSorry

After a week's worth of experiments and adjustments and purchases (no bend straws)..
HOMEMADE BOBA TEA HAS BEEN PERFECTED!

VIER - From the Internet Shit

And here you are,
after everything you endured for far too long.
You did not know you could be this strong.
You did not know after all that went wrong,
you had the courage and strength all along.
-MHN

And as for as the mountains up ahead?
I cannot tell you where they will lead you but I can tell you,
grace will meet you,
and give you the strength to make it through.
-MHN

For all of the things that were never said and all of the places you would rather be instead,
there is a reason you are here and why you made it another year.
Through all your weary wonders,
and things you did not know,
Light is shining on this path and there is still more road to go.
MHN

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

1. My routine.  Well kinda.  I've been toting Teh PT Kid to and from summer camp at The Citadel this week, but that's not really be a disturbance to my regular operations.
2. Bojangles gravy biscuit for breakfast after Teh German forgot to go by Sam's to pick up my breakfast sammiches.  AND they have Tap-To-Pay and I didn't have to fetch my wallet from the backseat.  #GameChanger
3. Signing up for the city gym.  I can pay more for classes if I want to commit to going at specific times or not.  
4. Having to leave work by 2:45 to pick up Teh PT Kid.  Shorter days don't hurt my heart.
5. A coworker letting me borrow a Security+ study guide.  I don't have to have this certificate yet, but I will need this certificate eventually.  Also, I no longer have the ability to NOT do things when I'm not swamped with doing EVERYTHING.  
6. Sitting outside at work.  Despite the swamp ass.  Getting to chat with my lady coworkers.  We're not super close, but we're close enough to be able to share things, which is always nice.
7. The Very Worst Missionary: A Memoir or Whatever by Jamie Wright.  This is the book I needed RIGHT.NOW.  It's got Jesus and cussing and struggles... and I'm not crying, you're crying... because we're not alone when small things add up to be too much to handle.
8. Boba tea.  Simple things.
9. REUNITING WITH OUR LUGGAGE.  Look, I was playing it cool, but on Thursday night, I realized my engagement ring was in Teh German's suitcase, in my bathroom bag, in a tiny little container.. and I 100% refused to tell Teh German that it was in the lost luggage until the luggage was returned or it was officially missing.  He was already stressing me out stressed out enough about the liquid shit in the suitcases being broken.. I couldn't handle more of his angst with that additional kernel of knowledge, so I kept it to myself until the situation was resolved.  Thanks to Teh Running Bestie for keeping my secret... and also to Royal Air Maroc for getting our shit back to us...
10. It being Friday.  Fuck this has been a long ass week.  Almost as long as the final week of class/first week of exams.. and that was a LOOOOOONG week.

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.

Keepin' It Real: On Rejection.

I'm going to talk about some grown up things in this post, like sex and feelings... so you've been warned, particularly if you're one of my parental figures who prefers to believe that I'm a chaste little angel who does no wrong (which is, of course, completely true).

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I don't like being told no.  Like, really.  I often pout when I'm told no and then I'll eventually get over it because I'm an adult and that's what adults are supposed to do, but that doesn't mean I like it.

But this problem took on another level recently when Teh German turned me down for sexy time.  We'd had a good weekend and there wasn't anything going on and I was like, "Ohhh yeeeeaaahhhh." and Teh German was not on my same page.  In fact, when I started putting my moves on him, he grumble/groaned like, "Ugh, not this again."  I'm pretty sure my reaction was something akin to being slapped.  I was instantly hurt.  I instantly closed up and shut down and avoided eye contact and talking and Teh German in general for the rest of the evening.  I didn't have an appetite at dinner and Teh German asked me what was wrong, like he didn't know..

But ya'll.. I didn't know.  I knew what sparked me having a problem, but I couldn't put my finger on WHY I was upset, besides being told no.  It took me about 24 hours to process.   It wasn't pretty.  I even went to bed without Teh German, which is rare.  I was afraid of the pity fuck if we had went to bed at the same time, which would only serve to enrage me more.

With some time to process, I came to these conclusions.

By being rejected in such a way, the grumble rather than being told, "Maybe later, I'd really just like to relax and have dinner now.", it felt personal.  It was about ME, since there was no reasoning behind the rejection.  And I took it quite personally.

My brain is a myriad of negative thoughts that I regularly squash down.  Mostly things that I put on myself that may or may not be true.  My brain likes to give me "credit" for decisions others make that are completely unrelated to me, like Teh German's lack of desire to "woohoo" with me at that time.  (If you got that "woohoo" reference, I'm glad you're here. #NerdBond)

Some of those things included:
-you're too fat.
-you're too demanding.
-social media is better.
-you're too much.
-you're no good at sexy time.
-you're emasculating.
-(insert any self-deprecating comment here)

And while some of those things could possibly be true to someone, they are not always true of me.  Whether that's a lie or not, I still tell myself that I am none of those things because all those negative thoughts do not need to take up residence in my head.. but damn if they didn't anyways.

Honestly, he never gave me a reason why, but when we talked about it the next evening, after I kinda sorted through my problems, he said, "I have the right to say no."  And I 100% support that.. in theory.  When Teh German asked me at dinner what was wrong, I said something to the effect of, "How would you feel if the situation was reversed?" and he mumbled something that I heard as, "mumble mumble whatever."  I then told him that he wouldn't ever know the answer to that because I don't say no.  Crickets.

Reality: I don't say no because sexy time has become so infrequent, one does not look the gift horse in the mouth.  Yes, I could initiate more and probably make sexy time a little more frequent, but often we are both tired, stressed, and excuses, excuses, excuses....

In case you were unaware, Teh German and I are in a relationship (marriage, dating, the status doesn't matter for this situation).  To both of us, that means being monogamous.  That means intimacy and sex and the deepest kind of relationship with each other, not with outside participants.  This is good for both of us.  It's never been a temptation for me to look outside of our relationship to satisfy my needs.  But, to be brutally honest, I'd rather have sex with my husband instead of taking care of my own (physical) needs solo (aka master-(de)bating).  I can get intimacy and have sex at the same time.  2 birds, 1 stone kind of deal.  I'm in a relationship with a German, we're all about efficiency.

Here's the reality.  We're well past that honeymoon phase of our relationship.  But during our honeymoon phase.. it was hot hot hotttttttt.  I keep a calendar of private events, separate from my personal and school calendars, which is where I track girl time and sexy time and while it's not necessary and it's kind of a chore, I have been able to see the downward trend.  Also, I know that if I didn't track sexy time, I wouldn't track my girl time (period week), so it's a necessary evil.

This decline coincides conveniently with my neediness.  I never realized just how much physical touch I needed until I got older and our relationship matured, we've become more and more busy.. and we just don't make time.  And then it hits me that we touch each other 4-6 times a day: maybe when we get out of bed, definitely before we leave for work, definitely when we get home from work, probably before we eat dinner, definitely right before bed.  But it's usually just a quick kiss other than when we leave for work, when we hug (if I'm not in the shower).

I started to pick up on a few things going on...

We were/are taking our relationship for granted.  There is/was no intention in our affection, just the habit/ritual of it.  What this means to me is that there was no effort being put into our relationship.  It's easy to go through the motions and put a check in the box.  It's more effort to put intention into your actions to ensure that you do things for a purpose.  I.e. you kiss your significant other before you leave for work to ensure that the last time they saw you, you wanted them to know you love them in case you're in a horrific car accident 3 miles into your drive and die.  Is that extreme?  Yes, but does it help me live with intention?  Fuck yes.

I always take being turned down (regarding sexy time) as a bad sign.  ALWAYS.  The less affection I want to show, the less I'm invested in the relationship, and I assume that is the same for the other party.  For me, choosing anything else over intimacy with your partner shows that other things are valued over the relationship/intimacy with your partner, which means your partner is not the most important thing to you, which just spirals out of control quickly.. especially if you are me.  I've been less important than a computer game, I've been less important than easy access porn and nudes from ex's.  So this is something I've become experienced in, so me escalating the issue quickly in my marriage shouldn't come as a big surprise.

But I need to understand that THIS relationship is not all my past relationships that didn't work.  I need to move on from issues that have plagued me for a very long time because they really hurt me and created scars that always remind me of the worst things.

I place a lot of weight on sexy time, when really I should place more value on intimacy.  Honestly, I wasn't really looking for sex, I was looking for intimacy.  We had had a great weekend and I just wanted to be close to Teh German.  We could have just laid on the bed and snuggled and chatted and I would have been ok, but that's not how I approached the situation.  I know that this is a personal problem, to confuse sex and intimacy, and it's something I need to work on, but I also need Teh German to be aware of my issues as I work through them.

When we talked about this the following evening, I explained that I need more affection from him and more intimacy with him.  That more affection and intimacy would mean that I wouldn't have been as hurt by his rejection because I would know that the well isn't dry, it's just not available right now, but maybe later?  I explained that we went from a lot of sex to barely any sex and well.... this doesn't work well for me.

Science tells us that as humans age, women's sex drive goes up, while men's decreases.  But Society tells me/us that men are complete sex maniacs who would never turn down sex and here's 25 ways to spice up your sex life!  Worse yet, the "spice up your sex life articles" are generally aimed towards women, so when those "suggestions" don't work out, women feel at fault.  But that's all a big lie and I know it, but sometimes I don't KNOW it.



So this is my real talk.
This is me, admitting my faults and showing my struggles.
This is me, recognizing that I have some work to do.
This is me, over-sharing something that is extremely private.
This is me, being transparent and showing the world that despite the happy words and fun pictures, strife still exists in my life.
This is me, sharing my ugly.

Welcome to the show, Gentle Readers.