Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Keepin' It Real: On Rejection.

I'm going to talk about some grown up things in this post, like sex and feelings... so you've been warned, particularly if you're one of my parental figures who prefers to believe that I'm a chaste little angel who does no wrong (which is, of course, completely true).


I don't like being told no.  Like, really.  I often pout when I'm told no and then I'll eventually get over it because I'm an adult and that's what adults are supposed to do, but that doesn't mean I like it.

But this problem took on another level recently when Teh German turned me down for sexy time.  We'd had a good weekend and there wasn't anything going on and I was like, "Ohhh yeeeeaaahhhh." and Teh German was not on my same page.  In fact, when I started putting my moves on him, he grumble/groaned like, "Ugh, not this again."  I'm pretty sure my reaction was something akin to being slapped.  I was instantly hurt.  I instantly closed up and shut down and avoided eye contact and talking and Teh German in general for the rest of the evening.  I didn't have an appetite at dinner and Teh German asked me what was wrong, like he didn't know..

But ya'll.. I didn't know.  I knew what sparked me having a problem, but I couldn't put my finger on WHY I was upset, besides being told no.  It took me about 24 hours to process.   It wasn't pretty.  I even went to bed without Teh German, which is rare.  I was afraid of the pity fuck if we had went to bed at the same time, which would only serve to enrage me more.

With some time to process, I came to these conclusions.

By being rejected in such a way, the grumble rather than being told, "Maybe later, I'd really just like to relax and have dinner now.", it felt personal.  It was about ME, since there was no reasoning behind the rejection.  And I took it quite personally.

My brain is a myriad of negative thoughts that I regularly squash down.  Mostly things that I put on myself that may or may not be true.  My brain likes to give me "credit" for decisions others make that are completely unrelated to me, like Teh German's lack of desire to "woohoo" with me at that time.  (If you got that "woohoo" reference, I'm glad you're here. #NerdBond)

Some of those things included:
-you're too fat.
-you're too demanding.
-social media is better.
-you're too much.
-you're no good at sexy time.
-you're emasculating.
-(insert any self-deprecating comment here)

And while some of those things could possibly be true to someone, they are not always true of me.  Whether that's a lie or not, I still tell myself that I am none of those things because all those negative thoughts do not need to take up residence in my head.. but damn if they didn't anyways.

Honestly, he never gave me a reason why, but when we talked about it the next evening, after I kinda sorted through my problems, he said, "I have the right to say no."  And I 100% support that.. in theory.  When Teh German asked me at dinner what was wrong, I said something to the effect of, "How would you feel if the situation was reversed?" and he mumbled something that I heard as, "mumble mumble whatever."  I then told him that he wouldn't ever know the answer to that because I don't say no.  Crickets.

Reality: I don't say no because sexy time has become so infrequent, one does not look the gift horse in the mouth.  Yes, I could initiate more and probably make sexy time a little more frequent, but often we are both tired, stressed, and excuses, excuses, excuses....

In case you were unaware, Teh German and I are in a relationship (marriage, dating, the status doesn't matter for this situation).  To both of us, that means being monogamous.  That means intimacy and sex and the deepest kind of relationship with each other, not with outside participants.  This is good for both of us.  It's never been a temptation for me to look outside of our relationship to satisfy my needs.  But, to be brutally honest, I'd rather have sex with my husband instead of taking care of my own (physical) needs solo (aka master-(de)bating).  I can get intimacy and have sex at the same time.  2 birds, 1 stone kind of deal.  I'm in a relationship with a German, we're all about efficiency.

Here's the reality.  We're well past that honeymoon phase of our relationship.  But during our honeymoon phase.. it was hot hot hotttttttt.  I keep a calendar of private events, separate from my personal and school calendars, which is where I track girl time and sexy time and while it's not necessary and it's kind of a chore, I have been able to see the downward trend.  Also, I know that if I didn't track sexy time, I wouldn't track my girl time (period week), so it's a necessary evil.

This decline coincides conveniently with my neediness.  I never realized just how much physical touch I needed until I got older and our relationship matured, we've become more and more busy.. and we just don't make time.  And then it hits me that we touch each other 4-6 times a day: maybe when we get out of bed, definitely before we leave for work, definitely when we get home from work, probably before we eat dinner, definitely right before bed.  But it's usually just a quick kiss other than when we leave for work, when we hug (if I'm not in the shower).

I started to pick up on a few things going on...

We were/are taking our relationship for granted.  There is/was no intention in our affection, just the habit/ritual of it.  What this means to me is that there was no effort being put into our relationship.  It's easy to go through the motions and put a check in the box.  It's more effort to put intention into your actions to ensure that you do things for a purpose.  I.e. you kiss your significant other before you leave for work to ensure that the last time they saw you, you wanted them to know you love them in case you're in a horrific car accident 3 miles into your drive and die.  Is that extreme?  Yes, but does it help me live with intention?  Fuck yes.

I always take being turned down (regarding sexy time) as a bad sign.  ALWAYS.  The less affection I want to show, the less I'm invested in the relationship, and I assume that is the same for the other party.  For me, choosing anything else over intimacy with your partner shows that other things are valued over the relationship/intimacy with your partner, which means your partner is not the most important thing to you, which just spirals out of control quickly.. especially if you are me.  I've been less important than a computer game, I've been less important than easy access porn and nudes from ex's.  So this is something I've become experienced in, so me escalating the issue quickly in my marriage shouldn't come as a big surprise.

But I need to understand that THIS relationship is not all my past relationships that didn't work.  I need to move on from issues that have plagued me for a very long time because they really hurt me and created scars that always remind me of the worst things.

I place a lot of weight on sexy time, when really I should place more value on intimacy.  Honestly, I wasn't really looking for sex, I was looking for intimacy.  We had had a great weekend and I just wanted to be close to Teh German.  We could have just laid on the bed and snuggled and chatted and I would have been ok, but that's not how I approached the situation.  I know that this is a personal problem, to confuse sex and intimacy, and it's something I need to work on, but I also need Teh German to be aware of my issues as I work through them.

When we talked about this the following evening, I explained that I need more affection from him and more intimacy with him.  That more affection and intimacy would mean that I wouldn't have been as hurt by his rejection because I would know that the well isn't dry, it's just not available right now, but maybe later?  I explained that we went from a lot of sex to barely any sex and well.... this doesn't work well for me.

Science tells us that as humans age, women's sex drive goes up, while men's decreases.  But Society tells me/us that men are complete sex maniacs who would never turn down sex and here's 25 ways to spice up your sex life!  Worse yet, the "spice up your sex life articles" are generally aimed towards women, so when those "suggestions" don't work out, women feel at fault.  But that's all a big lie and I know it, but sometimes I don't KNOW it.

So this is my real talk.
This is me, admitting my faults and showing my struggles.
This is me, recognizing that I have some work to do.
This is me, over-sharing something that is extremely private.
This is me, being transparent and showing the world that despite the happy words and fun pictures, strife still exists in my life.
This is me, sharing my ugly.

Welcome to the show, Gentle Readers.


  1. You sound a lot like me.. and we are both in relationships with Germans. So much coincidence!
    Anyway... for the last 2 or 3 years of living in Germany our sex life was basically non-existent. Jan was always either at work, at home but still working (sometimes until 1 a.m.) or stressing about work. According to him that was why he never felt like sex, but my mind translated it to "if he found me attractive he would still want me even with everything else going on". Also I always had a higher sex drive than him anyway so I was much more likely to notice how long it had been and freak out, whereas when I mentioned it to him he'd be like "That long? Huh, yeah.. I guess so". After *many* arguments we worked out that, like you, I need intimacy in my relationship - and not just physically, but in terms of feeling like I'm actually part of his life (since the only thing he did besides work was choir practice once a week and I can't sing a note I felt like he didn't care about me/I was his last priority) and he's not taking me for granted - even though I was guilty of taking him for granted as well. And we also discovered that he thought he was always the one to initiate things... apparently I was too subtle so when I tried he didn't even notice. Huh. SO then he wouldn't initiate because he got annoyed feeling like that was his "responsibility" as the man. Things did get better after that talk, mostly because I started actually telling him I was feeling neglected before it got to the point of "you haven't touched me in *three whole months*. Clearly you no longer find me attractive", but in terms of actually having more frequent sex things got slightly better when we moved to Basel and he had most evenings to himself again and felt less stressed. But honestly we didn't actually start having a lot of sex again until we started trying for a baby 2.5 years and go and were forced to do it at least once a month ;-) It seems sex begets more sex because it also spontaneously happened a few times when it wasn't "necessary". But even in times when we aren't necessarily intimate for a while I seem to be better at not jumping to conclusions and assuming it's all about me while he has got better at being just generally affectionate and making me feel wanted without that necessarily being about sex.

    Phew, sorry for the huge, massive essay. I have no idea whether any of it even made sense. I just wanted you know you're not alone. Those unhelpful negative thoughts can be beaten. Not saying it was easy, and I definitely still jump to conclusions/escalate things, but you will get there.

  2. I am the exact same way when I'm with someone. I just assume that if they don't want to have sex, or aren't trying to have sex when I think they should/normally would, that it's something wrong with me or that they just aren't into me/the relationship anymore. It's something I also really need to work on. Hopefully before I get into another serious relationship.

  3. I can relate SO much to your post, girl. I’ve been rejected a few times in the last month or so and I take it so personally. Like what in the F is Erin with me?!
    You’re not alone Megs... xoxo

  4. Girl, I feel you on a LOT of this. My issues are:

    1- When stressed, my (already apparently high-for-a-female) goes up even more, because sex works as a stress reliever. This almost offends the husband, like he doesn't want to be "used," but also...stress makes his drive go down. This is not a great combo.
    2- While I am naturally insecure person anyway, sex rejection feels even worse because our culture acts like all women are sirens and irresistible and we must be kept at arm's length or men will immediately want to fuck us at the slightest hint of cleavage/short skirts/lipstick/whatever. So when all you hear is "men are pigs who want sex all the time" and then your man doesn't want feels like it HAS to be personal...even when in reality men are people and SHOULD have the right to say "Look I'm not feeling it." But literally 98% of sex advice is focused on women-want-less/men-want-more scenarios so like, WTF?


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