See look, it wasn't that bad.
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| Library porn. |
Oh, we actually went on a vacation!
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| To Seattle! |
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| Where the sunsets are the most epic. |
Then onto several days in Olympic National Forest!
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| This was in the Goonies? or so I hear. |
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A beach outhouse was actually the miracle I knew I needed..
AND IT HAD TOILET PAPER because some woman KNEW. |
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| Sometimes, you stop on the side of the road for homemade strawberry shortcake. |
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| Dat Banana Slug Lyfeee |
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If it's good enough for Bella, it's good enough for Megan.
(yes, that was a Twilight reference). |
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The Ultimate Trifecta:
Banana slug, mushrooms, spider web. |
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| Being silly. |
First let's talk about hard things... more dirty laundry time.
Teh German and I had a kerfluffle about halfway through our vacation which led to the last half of the trip feeling the most lonely I've ever felt. We were walking through these epic forests and I was just avoiding hard conversations and learning how to say "the d-word" in my head and making up the absolute worst scenarios and it was really bad, yall. The most bad. I was hunting for banana slugs like my life depended on it so that way I could escape my own brain.
Ironically? Coincidentally? This happened at almost exactly a year after the first big kerfluffle that led us to couples therapy. On our last day in Washington, we had A Talk and said we'd do things, that I mostly feel haven't been done. I'm equally to blame because old patterns are easy to fall into, but we both recognize that we have A LOT of work to do and we're not so great at doing it.
That said, there have been small improvement, which I've noticed, so I just put all my faith in those little things leading to, eventual, bigger improvements... but as someone who has been blindly faithful so many times before, sometimes it's hard to remain hopeful when you're used to the other shoe eventually falling. Additionally, for as much as I used to talk about sex on here, without regard to who was even reading, the lack of talking about it in the last years of my blogging was an accurate representation of the situation... and that has been very difficult... and actually recognizing the thing and putting words to it has been intimidating and scary and why do people not talk about this?
Why do people not talk about how hard relationships are? How hard marriage is. How all the examples that we had were fucking atrocious. How breaking patterns is torture. How communication can be a tool for good and bad? How breaking things apart can reveal truths you've avoided for so long that it will feel absolutely impossible to correct.
Because it took me YEARS of bitchin' to finally start fixin'.
And I've gone around with my therapist about this. Admitting that sometimes I wonder if people placed bets on how long our marriage would last and who would win and what the time frames were. Because I recognize some of the issues that we deal with now are issues that we had from the beginning. Looks exchanged between our friends, worried looks. These potentially fake scenarios that I've made up in my head only serve to muddy up the waters....
In addition, there have been people who have straight up told me to leave. To protect my peace. I don't deserve this heartache. No one giving me a clear direction on what to do or how to do it.. because no one can decide but me...
And mostly, I've really learned that my brain is a terrible place of overthinking and overwhelm and overstimulation and all the overs. Stepping back and letting things unfold instead of steering them has been one of the biggest lessons of this year for me. To let things just BE and they are what they are. Yes, this can be incredibly frustrating for me and I'm not always good at it, but I'm trying to be better.
And so I decided to choose the marriage. To be IN IT, even if IN IT is complete shit. Sometimes, that choice feels wrong. Sometimes that choice feels satisfying. To say I haven't questioned that choice would be a lie. But, I think, this is part of the healing. To question the choice. To see the alternative and know you're making this choice after much thought. Maybe this won't always be the choice, but for now, it is the choice.
Concerts: idobi Radio Summer School (Taylor Acorn, Rain City Drive, Charlotte Sands, If Not For Me, Beauty School Dropout, Arrows In Action, Huddy)
I haven't stopped listening to Taylor Acorn or Charlotte Sands since I bought these tickets. Lurve them so much.
SEPTEMBER
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| Bought a new helmet that represents all of me (monsters) |
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Stand up for U.S. democracy,
not dictatorship
This church is across from the Capitol. |
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| I volunteered for the National Book Festival! |
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| I finally visited Teh Maine Captain in Maine and now I wanna go back! |
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| We ran Ragnar Reach the Beach with some fabulous strangers. |
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| My suitcase got ran over and this image will forever make me cackle. |
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| The OG Unicorn onesie's last outing! |
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| Teh German and I put together Eve and Wall-e Legos, which I bought to celebrate our 10 year dateversary (which came a month after the date). |
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| My Washington yarn stabbin' project! |
I didn't know it, but Ragnar Reach the Beach was my last GOOD race of 2025. I'm so glad I was able to run it with all of me, even having the really fucking bad idea of taking on someone's all uphill 10 miler instead of my 4 miler... I also had a fantastic time touristing in Maine. Had my first real lobster roll (I like mine better warm, please keep your commentary to yourself, kthx).
Concerts: X Ambassadors
Gorgeous was everything I didn't know I needed. Unsteady will never be the same.
OCTOBER
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| The yarn started getting out of control. |
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We set up "small" living room due to the original living room being so cold in the winter.
This transition has been mostly wonderful. |
We've now experienced TWO $1300 power bills because this house is so terribly inefficient, so we took matters into our own hands and now we don't use the biggest room in the house. Here's hoping that our power bills won't be as high and that our poor heat pump can actually keep up when it's cold outside. The biggest problem is that the couch is a tight squeeze when you have a Tiny Pony who enjoys being touched. At least he keeps us warm?
Unless you live under a rock, you're probably aware that the US govt shutdown for a very pointless 43 days, beginning October 1. While I was excited for the work reprieve, being out of my routine really started getting to my head.
ADDITIONALLY.
On Sept 27th, as I was running my last long run of 2025 (15 miles), the wheels fell off the bus and I was mysteriously injured. I went to PT and did the things and had a MRI which showed nothing wrong. So furlough was me having ALL THE FREE TIME with NO running. Please understand the utter devastation for exactly what it is: THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING WORST. I continued going to the gym doing PT exercises and exercises my body would tolerate, but it was (and continues) to be incredibly frustrating.
Now if you remember from Part 1, I signed up for the Chessie Challenge.. and you'll notice there were no race posts about that challenge up to this point.. because those races took place in Oct and Nov... and now I was injured and couldn't run without extreme pain, so I had to make choices... Very difficult, hard, sad, choices. Also, I had signed up for other races that I had to defer ($$$$$$$$$$$) or miss completely. I hated it, thanks.
But also, part of furlough was doing things while I could, which included Smithsonian visits while they remained open.
So I soothed myself by going to a No Kings protest in my community. We got so much support (via honks and people cheering at us from their cars). We also got a few haters (coincidentally all middle aged white men?) which was a good time. I went home with a full heart and a hoarse throat.
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No Kings protest on Oct 18!
Democracy dies with silence! |
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| Visited the PA Renaissance Festival to visit greyhound friends from CO! |
We had a (now-scheduled every Sunday evening) family chat about trying to make intimacy a priority on the drive back from PA... and we've both failed spectacularly at that.
SPECTACULARLY. |
Furlough breakfast baths became a thing
(that I miss very much, kthx). |
I met up with a few coworkers 2x during furlough for lunch and sometimes a pre-lunch activity.
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What if WOMEN ruled the world?
@National Museum of Women in the Arts |
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| I rode my first Metro Bus! |
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Not all monsters are imaginary, some work for ICE
seen in DC neighborhood. |
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| Family trail selfie! |
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| Sent some "treats" to Teh Worldwide Jesus Lover |
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| Rave family selfie! |
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| A trip to Ocean City means stopping at the ONLY Cookout in Maryland! |
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| Self-care. |
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| Just a nice sunset. |
Concerts: none. There was already enough chaos.
NOVEMBER
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New unicorn onesie's first adventure:
Ocean City 5k |
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| Sunrise Solo Megan Time |
On the heels of an already tough month (October), we had another kerfluffle when we arrived to Ocean City and yall.. I was trying to figure out dog custody. But by now, I'm a professional at breaking on the inside and carrying on, on the outside. I even journaled about it because I couldn't say words because I only had 4 words and I wasn't sure they were the right ones.
And here's the thing that I've realized. What I once thought was only me feeling it was a lie. We both definitely feel the fission and rather than fix it, stonewall each other until we're tired of being mad or someone gives in (neither option is the healthy choice, kthx). This situation went exactly that way. Considering the chat after PA, this really felt like I was about to learn to say the d-word aloud.
We did ultimately end up discussing it during Family Chat time and things have improved.. but we are very cyclical in this relationship and I'm absolutely terrified of a repeat.. because the way I felt was insufferable. Not only was I lonely, but I felt demeaned and unappreciated. There was no understanding or grace given for ME.
And here's the thing, this is all a one-sided story. Unless the other side speaks to their experiences, I won't ever know (you won't ever know).. and that's a curse for this brain that has already come up with 2982832 potential scenarios that may never come to fruition. So I acknowledge this and as much as I try to give grace and stop making up shit in my head and just have the talk, sometimes I, too, fall into my terrible patterns. I am equally at fault. Admission is the first step.
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I found a whelk egg case!
It was full of tiny baby whelk shells! |
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That one time I bought a clearance halloween cake and ate the whole thing myself.
#NoRagrats |
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| Goddammit Pax. |
I came home from the Library on the 17th to only Ron greeting me and my stomach dropped. Then Teh German came around the corner and started sobbing and only Pax hadn't greeted me and
I knew. When Teh German came home, he let the boys out. Pax had been his usual bouncy AF self and he took off out the backdoor like he always does. Teh German was putting his stuff away and heard screaming from the yard and he found Pax sitting awkwardly in the yard. Teh German stood Pax up, but Pax wouldn't walk. So Teh German carried him inside and loved on him until I arrived home. Oh did I mention I missed my train by ONE MINUTE that day? Yup.
So I got home later than normal and we immediately loaded up Pax and sought out medical treatment. Now.. as someone who had tried to off their dog earlier in the year, Teh German and I had already had these difficult conversations. The rule is: NO SUFFERING. Periodt.
An x-ray showed that Pax had broken his hip and even if there would have been a possibility for surgery, we wouldn't have taken it because he was 11.5 and recovery would have been excruciating. So we made the call to let the most bestest boy in the whole entire world go. Later analysis of the x-ray showed osteosarcoma (bone cancer), which would explain the break.
I'll just be all feely here. I'm still not over Meri's death... but to compound that grief with Pax? I have shed a lot of tears about my dead dogs. Pax was literally perfect. Like, I know people say that about their pets.. but he actually was perfect. He didn't go business in people's houses, he gave a gentle lean to get some affection and then would go lay down, he respected the rules, he always wanted to go, despite being a big boy he could be really small, he loved his harem and his bros. He lived such a full life and he was just a gentle presence that always reassured me that things would be fine... after a nap and maybe some silliness.
To even talk about Pax in the past tense wrecks me. Obi has come to visit and he is a salve to my breaking heart.
Concerts: none, but we did go to a dance party and lots of festive activities, so that's fine.
December has been more holiday markets and lights and trying to feel festive AF. In an extremely unexpected move, the President gave the executive agencies the 24-26th off for Christmas, and the leg branch followed suit. So I'm off for 4 days this week (AWS+holiday) and I'm not sad, but I was definitely conflicted when I found out.. gratitude, surprise, and general loathing of this regime.
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Overall life analysis/assessment:
As I continue to battle this mysterious injury (I think my bad hip is back to being bad, which exacerbates back woes), I'm trying to be patient with myself and give myself grace.. and it's exhausting. It's extra difficult as someone who uses physical activity to process things... this has contributed to the significant drop off in journaling, if I had to guess, and an increased frustration in.. all other things. Ugh.
Family things are still family. As the liberal in the family, it's sometimes very lonely... and it means a lot of avoided conversations when family is together and sometimes conflicts when I do speak up. It also means I don't discuss many of the things that concern me with my family because they don't see it the same way, they don't share my concerns. In those times, I cling to my activist community anchors.
Spiritually, I've been struggling. Other than ingrained habits (saying certain things (JFC, my god, etc)), I've released most things related to Christianity (although there's probably more things that I don't even see). That said, apparently you should have some sort of spiritual beliefs... which I struggle with, because my brain is like, faith in imaginary things is stupid. For a few years now, I've leaned into spiritual naturalism, essentially no deity, but a belief in natural processes and cycles of the earth/planets that can be scientifically proven. As much as I love a good horoscope, I need evidence before I place my belief in a thing. This feels kinda lonely in a world where the majority of people place their blind faith in a deity, for better or worse. I also don't actually practice anything, which could be contributing to *waves hand in front of my own face*.
Deconstructing my Christian beliefs is a continuing process and has opened my eyes to so many inherent colonialism systems that I dislike and do not want to support. This learning has served to fuel my political stances. Much like how everything is connected within the political realm (follow the money), everything is connected in the Megan realm too (good luck tracing this... only chaos reigns here).
It has caused some, IMO, good changes. I'm scrolling less. I'm being purposeful with my screentime (to include the time spent writing this post, TBH). I'm not giving my dollars to companies who support things I'm against. This has been an adjustment (for some of the people who are given access to things through my accounts). I've been the Amazon Prime account holder for years and that ends this month (in fact, it would have ended sooner, but you pay for the whole year). I did my best to drastically reduce my Amazon purchases. I also pay/manage the Spotify family account (which I'm currently doing my research on) and we'll probably switch music providers to a company that doesn't run ICE ads. I didn't buy stuff during the black friday boycott this year. I can't boycott Target while never going to Walmart though. And while we don't go to Walmart, we do have a Sam's membership because (and this is going to sound so WASPy) my anxiety cannot handle the Costco parking lot that is 4 minutes from my house OR having to stand in a line that wraps around the store to check out.
To be honest, it's impossible to be perfect in this world, but I'm trying to make small changes, even if they aren't HUGE, they are the choices that I CAN MAKE. That is also what I learned in the activist community. You can't be perfect, but you do what you can. You can't fix everything, but your focus on a few things can be more meaningful than if you tried to fix everything.
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This review has brought about some much needed catharsis. I don't often write with the purpose of being ME for an extensive time these days. Usually a quick update in the journal of things that have transpired or quick feelings and moving on. There are actually a lot of days that I miss this space. Moreso, I miss what this space offered me: A Megan Place. No masks, no filters, no apologies. I won't be back here regularly, I know that. Blogging took up so much time that I no longer make myself available for anymore. I don't want to spend more time in front of screens than necessary these days. I'm totally content sitting on the couch, listening to an audiobook, yarn stabbin', and getting smushed by Rhonald. But I'm grateful that this space does exist for me when I still need it.
As for me, I'll keep fighting. The mental battles. The relationship battles. The political battles. I'll keep saying the things out loud that everyone is already thinking. I'll keep taking the blame for hurting people's feelings or making people feel awkward.
With that burden, I'll also keep speaking the good truths. The truths that people don't get to hear often enough, the "I'm proud", "You're fighting the good fight, rest if you need, we'll carry this until you're rested", "You're an inspiration", "thank you for laughing with me", "thank you for crying with me", "thank you for telling me", "they're fucking stupid", "thank you for being in my life", "yes, we should get that dessert"...
For all these years, I've never promised perfection, but I've always promised that I'll be ME. I'm nothing, if not consistent.
All the praise hands for surviving 2025 and all the prayer hands to receive what we need to endure 2026.
Stay strong.
Also, if you happen to see this and then you happened to let me know (email, Insta) that you saw this, I wouldn't hate it.
