Friday, November 8, 2013

Ridin' the wave.

I've noticed something about myself that irritates me.  When it comes to decisions that are permanently life altering, I struggle substantially at making a decision.  One day I love it, one day I hate it, and it's about 50/50.  This relates to the Navy, this relates to my (poor) workout/eating choices, about marriage, about babies...  and the fact that I'm irritated over the fact that I can't make a decision is obnoxious.  And when I irritate myself, that's infinitely worse!

The decision on my mind right now?  The kids thing.  It's mostly because 50% of my friends just had babies or already have them and the other 50% just found out they are pregnant.*

*those statistics might be slightly skewed.

More and more lately, I've been on the meh-kids-ever mindset.  Mostly because when Teh Bear and I are laying in bed, crying from laughing so hard at each other or when we're able to just randomly change plans, I enjoy that freedom.  But, as more and more friends post their sonogram pictures on FB and more blogs that I read announce "ALL.THE.BABIES!" I question that mindset.  

Rather than just accept that I'm a pendulum, I get irritated at myself for being wishy-washy and unable to make up my mind.  I get irritated that I never let anything go, that I over-analyze all.the.things.  (Definitely a Teh Mom trait)  And when I decide to be all cool about it, someone else posts that they finally had their baby or found out they are pregnant, and the cycle starts again.  

I stopped feeling jealous a while ago and now I can't accurately describe the feeling anymore.  I want to be happy for these people, because, (maybe?) this is something they are excited about.  Yet, there's a part of me that can't respond to these posts (on FB or blogs) because I would leak out some of the things in this post, and these are inappropriate things to say on the photo of a newborn or a "uterus squid".

Maybe the lack of desire to have kids right now is frustrating because society feeds us a pretty picture of a significant other, 2.5 kids and a dog and a picket fence and perfection.  It's going against the grain to fight that.

Maybe part of the irritation at myself is because I want someone to be just as happy for my childless life as they are for someone who procreates.  

But I know that most of the irritation comes from the selfishness that is my whole dilemma with procreating in general is an ebb and flow situation like all the other things in my life.  I don't like the required patience that it takes to get to the end.  I hate the inability to know the answer.  I hate the feelings of resentment and confusion and even bitterness towards others, and even towards myself.

The person I never let off the hook is myself, and I have no one to blame but myself, thus continuing this spiral of whatever-this-is.  Life is hard.

PS.  That title had nothing to do with the state of my uterus.  I realized what I said afterward.  My bad.


  1. Duuuuuude, I totally get it. The hubs & I just had a really similar conversation about the whole baby thing this weekend. On one hand, we do definitely want to be parents...someday. But, we also really like where we currently are in life- and damn it, that should be okay too, even if it doesn't include those 2.5 kids.

  2. You can rest assured that you'll have at least one childless couple friend in your life for a while longer. :) Other than the dog (which seems to be almost as much responsibility as a child) we're pretty flexible and spontaneous, too! And I love it!!


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