Monday, May 31, 2021

System Overload.

Sometimes I really feel like I have a really good handle on my anxiety...

But sometimes I have an hour-long conversation with my Granny that makes me worried because it's the same stories over and over and every time I try to get off the phone she ropes me back in and I can't get what I need to get done done. 

I finally get off the phone on a bad note because she wants to talk about politics and we disagree on politics and how she just wants to pinch that Nancy Pelosi lady's head off and I don't want to fucking talk about that and I'm still trying to get off the phone because I really need to get my shit done, but I also really love my Granny... 

So I finally get to go into the store and the entire 35 minutes I am in the store, they are moving pallets so the backup noise of the pallet moving tractor (or whatever the fuck it is called) is constant.. and then it stops.. and then it starts again.. and then it stops, and then it starts again... It is overstimulating to the point of irritation. 

In addition to that, I happen to be unlucky enough to be shopping at the same time as a family of 7, three adults (grandma, man, woman) and the rest were children pushing buggies or riding in a buggy. To include the 3 year old in the buggy with the ten-year-old pushing it having a "fun" argument where she purposely misheard everything the kid was saying not only frustrating him, but also me. I could not get away from this family.  Every time I tried to go to the next aisle, they'd turn down the same aisle from the opposite direction. I could feel my frustration rising and I knew I needed to leave, but also knew that I needed to get my groceries. 

As I was on my way to checkout/leave, I was tempted by the brownie sundae at the cafe, but there was a sign that said cash only and a line and the incessant fucking beeping of the machine moving the pallets and so I said fuck it and kept walking. By the time I got to the door, the lady was holding out the scanner to scan my phone and I actually said to her, "Please just let me out of here." 

I just couldn't take anymore. My anxiety was so high it was filling me with rage and I could no longer function. I finally make it outside and a car drives by continuously backfiring. It was everything I could do to calmly put my groceries in the car instead of literally throwing everything in the car with no fucks to give and hauling ass out of the parking lot. 

The problem was I had to sit there in the silence before I could drive because I was still so overstimulated and overwhelmed.  This is anxiety. 
After 2-3 minutes, I was finally able to breathe easier, so I felt confident I could concentrate on driving.

I still had to stop at an actual grocery store, so I get in and out of Giant with no issues.  As I'm trying to load my stuff into the car at Giant, I get a call from Teh German that I ended up missing because I was literally tangled in the bag and trying to move the items from Sam's to make room for the new bag.  But, I call Teh German back as soon as I disentangle myself.  He is trying to feed the dogs and, at the time, we were dog sitting.  I tell him I'll be home soon if he wants to wait, he says no, so I talk him through it.  We get off the phone and I'm sitting at a red light to do a u-turn.  Mind you, Giant is 4 minutes from our house.  I'm 4 minutes from being done with this fucking disaster trip.  And the light WILL NOT turn green.  

Apparently, the fire department near the intersection can put a hold on the light before they even leave the station, so they have a green light when they approach the intersection... except the truck still hadn't pulled out of the station when their light turned green.  So I sat there and sat there and sat there and reminded myself of how well I had handled all the street prior to this moment.  I was doing so well...

Finally, the fire truck goes through the intersection and their light turns yellow, then red... and then my light STAYS RED, despite it being the light that should have turned green during a normal cycle. I finally lose it and let loose a scream from my soul and almost start sobbing.

If this is what an anxiety attack looks like, this shit is for the birds.

I even went so far as to Google misophonia (noise sensitivity) to see if maybe that was something that could be causing this level of anxiety... but misophonia seems mainly focused on shit like chewing noises, which I don't care about.  My reaction is to extremely loud noises or repetitive noises.  

After the trip, I was feeling super raw, like an exposed wire or like my skin had been sandblasted, and we went out to dinner.  After we were seated, Teh German asked our server for NOT spicy salsa so I could also enjoy chips and salsa without setting my mouth on fire.  It was like he put a cap over the wire tip or added salve to my over-exfoliated skin.

That same evening, Teh German took too long to back the truck in when we got home from dinner and I made a comment about that was good enough (meaning he didn't have to be precisely 3" from the object behind him) because the backup beeping noise the truck makes was starting to set me off again.

Maybe it was PMS or maybe it was a number of other tiny things that had already worn me down.  I'm not really sure why these things on that day were so much more abrasive to me than any other day, but they were.  So I'm sharing the ugly to say, anxiety has good days and anxiety has bad days.  This was definitely a bad anxiety day.

2 comments:

  1. I'm about 3 weeks late but I hope you're having a good day! Bad anxiety days suck. They make me want to crawl into bed, hug an ice pack, turn on a guided meditation, & shut the world out. Also, I am now typing this twice because Blogger/Google sucks when it comes to comments lately & I'm trying not to rage cause it's only 6:15 AM... I'm going to copy before I publish this time just in case... Have a fantastic week!

    ReplyDelete
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