Weekend Review {5/8}

Phil really threw me for a loop last week.  The idea of doing a normal 5 on Friday post almost happened, but I knew what I really needed to post.  I'm honestly not as sad as I think everyone expects me to be.  While this isn't unusual for me, there are a lot of people in my life now that have never experienced me grieving.  I have been talking about Phil quite a bit, as well as cussing at him on a regular basis for general Phil shit.

He puked in the car on the way to the vet on Thursday and I had made lasagna the night before and because he loves gluten I gave Phil and Meri noodles as a treat that night and also put one noodle each in their breakfast bowls.  He made sure to return my investment... which I got to pick out of my washing machine piece by slimy piece after washing the comforter.

I vacuumed Yurtle on Sunday after noon and had to remember to vacuum the roof because Phil was so tall.  Additionally, I found his tags that have been missing for a few weeks.  They were on the floor board of the back seats.  That definitely made me tear up some.

Anyways.. For all of you who sent kind emails, I really appreciate your thoughts.  Knowing that I/we have such a big support network only reassures me that I'm not a completely horrible person and strangers on the internet can be awesome.
 

FRIDAY

Since I had mostly not worked on Thursday, I had to put in a long day on Friday.  Since we were having our office opening party/Cinco de Mayo party from 4-6, I took Meri to work with me.  We were at work for almost 11 hours.  Phil wouldn't have lasted.  He would have huffed and puffed at me from 1pm on because he much preferred his slumber ball to a spot under my desk.

We took a field trip to mail off US invites!

Then this happened:

Talk about super scary!  Also, possibly a Phil sign?  Me assisting a confused old man?  Sounds legit, so I'm taking it.  Meri was a rock star.  We went on 2 walks (1 of those was the train walk), she got treats, pettins from my coworkers (and later their kids), and even dared to take a bite of my burrito..

She was successful.
I still ate it.
Bitch.

Margarita machine..

Portable taco bar.  #genius

Teh German joined us for festivities.  We finally left around 5:30 because I had been at the office for 11 hours and I was ready to go home.  When we got home, we went on a pack walk and went home and put on lazy clothes.

While we were sitting on the couch, Teh German and I discussed next dog.  He still maintained that it felt too soon and I pointed out that he wasn't the one bringing Meri to work with him and that she needed a companion.  He agreed.  Then I pointed out that most rescues take a few weeks to process applications since it is usually a volunteer effort.  I had sent Teh German a link earlier in the day for him to look at, so this wasn't coming out of the blue for him.  He finally agreed that we could put in the application.

Teh German's name is the primary name on the application but I'm also listed.  I did most of the work filling out the application since I knew it would be easier to do it on the computer than the iPad.  I did get Teh German's answers for the open ended questions on the application (how would you handle these situation type questions) and added a bit of Megan flourish.  This is Teh German's preference since he remains very self-conscious about his written English.  We discussed most of the answers to the questions and agreed on the answers (as in, I agreed with how Teh German had responded to the questions).  I made sure to read everything that I had put on the application to him in case I added anything so he could be prepared if he was asked about it.

When the application was submitted, there was a popup that said the process could take 2-3 weeks.  I think part of that calmed Teh German a little bit (in the, "it's too soon to get another dog" line) but at the same time makes him anxious because he doesn't like waiting.  Afterwards, we headed over to Teh PT Neighbors house for hanging out.

Around 11 we finally came home and crashed into bed.

SATURDAY

We were interested to see how long Meri would let us sleep in on Saturday..  Well, she didn't.  She woke us up at 7 because she's a bitch... a very cute bitch.

Gave Meri a new toy and she refuses to play with it.
Meri is definitely not food motivated in any way.

We went back to bed and eventually woke up around 9.  By 10 we got up and had leftovers for breakfast.

#notsorry

Then, we decided to be productive adults.  Teh German wanted to go pick out a new lawn mower and I said I would go and that Meri would go with us.  If you live in America, did you know that dogs are allowed in Lowe's?  Well, they are.  We saw Teh PT Husband while we were there, which happened to work out perfectly.  He was there to pick up the materials to insulate their garage door and they wouldn't fit in his SUV.  When we were finished, Teh German brought his insulation home and Teh PT Husband brought our new lawn mower home.

While Teh German was trying to make a decision about which lawn mower he wanted (which I walked away and told him it was completely up to him, that he didn't have a price limit.  Then I clarified on a lawn mower.  I noticed a few people chuckling as I walked away), Meri and I perused the washer and dryers, then looked for a GFCI outlet with an audible alarm on it since the one in our garage keeps flipping, which is bad since the beer fridge is plugged into it.  Along with the beer fridge is also all the spare meat that I keep frozen.  AKA, this fridge needs to stay cold because there's a lot of money in it.

Meri got a lot of attention which was good for her.  I'm trying to mitigate her separation anxiety until we get new dog.  Obviously, she can't go everywhere with us, but it was also a good opportunity to tire her out.

We also picked up a new flag pole, since the one that Teh Running Bestie got us was starting to look a bit.. ratchet.  And we got a new US flag to have on hand.  We'll probably put it up for Memorial Day through mid-July, then bring the SC flag back out for a bit.  We've also been bringing the flag in when it's super windy to help reduce the amount of tattering that happens.

When we got home, vehicles were unloaded and Teh German was excited to put his new lawn mower together and use it.  I stayed inside and worked on editing the last of the Asheville pictures.  I also posted on Phil and Meri's blog that Phil had passed and I even emailed Teh Bear to let him know.  I hadn't even thought about telling Teh Bear until Saturday afternoon.  I drafted the post and waited for over an hour before finally hitting send.  I haven't spoke to Teh Bear after March 2014 other than once when I accidentally used his credit card to buy a Groupon (it was saved to my account and I didn't check, oops).

I did finally post Asheville photos.  I'll try to remember to do a post here eventually (sounds easy enough in theory).

Around 3, Teh German came in for lunch and we had lasagna.  I wasn't sure what we were doing for dinner, so we didn't eat too much.  Teh German went back outside to finish up the yard and I piddled around the house accomplishing nothing.  I did talk to Teh Dad who tried to skirt around the Phil issue until I finally told him that it was fine.  During which time, Teh German had disappeared and I was going to go lay in the hammock since it was nice outside.  Well, I found Teh German!  He was also in the hammock.  I made him scoot over and we shared.  Yay for a 2 person hammock!

Teh German suggested Sushi 101 for dinner and lured me with white sauce (the hibachi kind, not the dirty kind, you pervs) and it was an easy yes for me.  Right before we left, Teh Bear texted me and thanked me for letting him know.  Teh German and I headed to Sushi 101 and while we waited on our food, we discussed dog names for the next dog.  When he finally asked who I was texting, I explained that it was Teh Bear.

Then I reminded Teh German about Phil's choice.
Me: Do you remember when I told you that Phil didn't pick me?
tG: Yes.
Me: Well, he picked {Teh Bear] and I just felt like it was the right thing to do to tell him.  We did catch up some since we haven't spoken since 2014.  He's married now.

Teh German seemed a little unsettled by it at first, but didn't say anything.  After dinner, we headed back home and decided to watch Netflix.  I did my duty as a good fiance to select Blazing Saddles as our movie of choice.  After it ended, we followed it up with a few episodes of Modern Family, then it was bedtime.

SUNDAY

Again, we tried to sleep in.  Again, Meri was ready to go at 7.  After she was fed and went business, we all went back to bed.  Again, by 9, I was bored and ready to get up.

I talked Teh German into going to brunch at Iron Dog Diner, which was a good life choice.

Fritatta - oven cooked egg with pork belly hash.

Chocolate torte w/ oreo, caramel, and multiple types of chocolate.

We were on Suzi and Bagheera, so I also took Teh German by my office to show him the place with graffiti that he might like to take pictures of Suzi in front of.  After, we headed home.  Teh German decided to also insulate our garage and he headed off to Lowe's.  I wasn't interested in joining him, so I stayed home and napped.

After Teh German came home, I eventually got motivated and decided to vacuum out Yurtle.  It was a test of will between me and all Phil's hairs.  Also, I know we'll be taking Yurtle to MD (assuming we go), so I'd like to have a relatively clean car (at least on the inside).  I also vacuumed out the front of Baloo and rinsed off his floor mats.

For the first time since 2012, Yurtle is put back together!  I put the back seats up and put the cargo cover (that I've been moving from house to house) back in! 

After Teh German completed his project and I had put the vacuum away, I went inside and heated up leftovers for dinner.  After we ate, we headed over to Teh PT Neighbors' for smoking hookah and cigars and chillin.

Meri and Marcie

______________________________________

Although it could have been a sad weekend, we stayed busy and carried on.  We discussed Phil a lot which is definitely helping us both.  I'd rather talk about him that keep it all inside as to avoid upsetting each other.  I consider this grieving together.  I think about Phil as I go to sleep at night and as I'm waking up in the morning.  Saturday morning, it hit me just how fitting the name Philbo Baggins was for Phil.  He was very similar to Bilbo Baggins...

While I didn't really accomplish much this weekend, Teh German did.  He pointed out that there have been weekends when our roles have been reversed, so it's ok, which I appreciated.  I was very glad for a completely lazy weekend.  And we even fit in a ride, even if it made my hip smart.  But really, at this point, what doesn't make my hip hurt?

This week includes:
-Meri's wellness visit.
-Hopefully a call from the doberman rescue.
-Teh PT Wife's birfday and celebration on Friyay.

Teh German and I are still in talks about going to MD.  I think right now we are leaning more towards going (yes, Teh Running Bestie, I just heard that squeal) because Teh German will still get to drive a Gator, even if we don't have a dog.  It means that we can help out where we are needed and with Olive.

Countdown to a 4 day weekend:  9 days for me.  Then another 3 day weekend the following weekend? #likeaboss

Oh, Baggins, Baggins, BagggINS.

Part 1 - Pre-5/4

This is Phil's fault.  I'm not supposed to be writing about Phil so soon, but here I am, 36 hours later.

The day that my post about Phil's mystery problems went live (yesterday at 0600) was kinda like any other day.  Although in the middle of the night, Phil had barked and when I turned on the light to inspect for problems (Meri harassing him, he needed to pee, anything), nothing was amiss so I told everyone to go back to bed.  Truthfully, his bark had scared the crap out of me and I jumped so hard I hurt my hip.  My gasp woke up Teh German who was like, "WTF!?"  He really doesn't like to be woken up in the middle of the night.  Everyone settled back down and our alarms went off at normal time.

Teh German was showering and Phil started to pant.  I took that as the "I gotta pee, Lady" sign and I rolled out of bed and headed downstairs to let them out.  Phil had his Cushings test Tuesday that week and his leg was extremely swollen which was abnormal, but after speaking with the vet's office on Wednesday about it, they said to monitor it and if it was still bad on Thursday to come in.

Phil was very hesitant to come down the stairs on Thursday morning.  Not wanting him to pee on the floor I demanded encouraged him down the stairs.  Then I noticed something amiss, Phil wasn't able to put his left front foot down properly and he was "knuckling."  I fixed his foot and he mostly stumbled (very scarily, I might add) down the stairs.  I let him out immediately and noticed his gait was off.

When Meri and Phil came back in for breakfast, Phil wasn't interested.  He laid down on his slumber ball and I tried to put the food in front of him.  Ever the foodie, Phil finally decided to eat, but he was going to stand to do it, which was a struggle.

By this point, Teh German has come downstairs to get ready to leave for work and has noticed Phil's "off" behavior.  Teh German was almost hysterical and not in a funny way.  I told him I couldn't deal with him being that way at this moment and focused on Phil.  Phil would take a few extra sloppy bites of food then walk away and do a circle and come back to his bowl.  It was like he wasn't aware where his food bowl is and once he almost flipped it.  When Phil was pretty much done, I let him back outside for business.  I let Meri eat his leftovers (which is a standard operating procedure).  When Phil came back inside, he laid down on a slumber ball.

I told Teh German that I'd be taking Phil to the vet as soon as they opened and I would call him.

Backstory: After Phil's test on Tuesday, Teh German and I had a difficult conversation about me not putting Phil through any more testing and just making him comfortable.  The night before everything happened, Teh German and I had a heart-to-heart (in the dark, well past bedtime, of course... True Megan style) and we discussed Phil and having to make the decision and we were sad about it.

After Teh German left, I messaged my boss to let her know that Phil was having issues and I might miss our meeting but I'd try to be in after the vet, if possible.  Have I mentioned lately how awesome Company is?  There was no issue and they told me to take care of Phil and they'd get someone to cover for me in the meeting.  Before going to get ready, I laid down with Phil on the slumber balls and talked to him.  I noticed that his heart was hammering irregularly.  Normally, I have to watch him for a long moment to make sure he is breathing...

After I showered, I called Teh Running Bestie (aka Phil's Other Momma) to let her know what was going on... aka, cry in her ear about how I was pretty sure that today was the day I was going to have to make the worst decision ever.

After getting ready, I went downstairs to find Phil exactly where he had been since he'd came in from breakfast business.  This was strange because Phil is a velcro dog.  I rarely get to leave his sight unless something is significantly wrong.  I couldn't get Phil up to get him loaded into the car.  I called Roux's Humom to assist me with getting Phil into the car, but she wasn't answering.

Teh PT Wife just happened to still be home (because some asshole decided to take a bat to the back window of her work vehicle) and she was able to come over and help me carry Phil, and his slumber ball, and put them in the back of Yurtle.  This is Phil who will jump up the moment you touch his collar.  He not only let me slide the slumber ball with him on it, but we were able to carry it all the way to the car, then when we had trouble lifting his heavy ass into the car, he still didn't budge.  This was not my Baggins.

I dropped Meri off with Roux's Humom and learned that she had been in the shower and she was happy to take Meri off my hands for our vet time.  On the way to the vet, I called to let them know I was coming and did something I never thought I'd have to do.  The receptionist answered, "Hello, GC Vet Office, can you please hold or is this an emergency?"  I had to say, "This is an emergency.  I'm on my way with Phil and he's acting weird."

Our last car ride.

My next call was to Teh German to ask him to meet me at the vet.  He had already informed his boss that something was going on, so it wasn't an issue for him to leave.  The techs were able to get Phil out of the car.  Phil decided he was done with the laying down and wanted to stand, but he was obviously struggling.  He mostly just did an assisted slide out of Yurtle, especially since his front paw was knuckling.  The techs brought Phil to a room while I put the slumber ball back in the car and I headed inside to find him.

As I explained what had transpired since I had talked to them last, a tech took notes.  Teh German arrived as I finished with the story and the techs went to inform the vet of the situation.  Teh German was a mess.  Eventually, the tech and I laid Phil down so 1- she wouldn't have to hold him upright, and 2- he could relax a little.

When the vet came in, she did an exam and said that he was neurologically off (which we had kind of assumed that he might have had a stroke over night, which is what woke us up) and that his heart rhythms were off.  She offered to send us to a specialist for a sonogram of his heart and I said no.  I explained that we had already spent through all of Phil's account and Teh German asked, "If they do find something, is it something that can be fixed?"  The vet explained, probably not.

The vet's guess was that Phil was having strokes or seizures which caused the bark during the night.  Then the weirdness at breakfast.  She was concerned about the blood in his leg, which shouldn't have been there, which would have indicated a blood problem.  She was also concerned about his heart and how it was arrhythmic.  Her best guess was that he possibly had a tumor in his heart, which was causing him to throw clots, which would be causing the neurological episodes (and/or seizures).

I then explained to her that euthanasia was our option.  I think she was a little surprised at how quick we were able to come to that, but after everything from the week, we knew what decision we would make.

They started the process right away.  They let us spend some time with him, which mostly consisted of us bawling over him and using all their tissues.  The techs eventually came in and inserted the catheter for the meds.

At this point, Phil started making this weird motion like he was trying to puke.  After they finally got the catheter inserted, they told us that they would give us some time with him and the vet would be in for the final steps.  At some point, they send a receptionist so that we could pay.  Phil continued to do the head thing intermittently.  Eventually, I started feeling like, "Ok, where is this vet at?  I'm ready for her to get this done."

Then Phil's intermittent "puke attempts" turned more frequent and I realized he wasn't trying to puke because his head was always straining to the right.  He was having mini-episodes.  THEN, Phil started to fully seize and I freaked the fuck out.  I told Teh German to get for someone and he was too slow so I just started yelling, "HEEELLLPPP!!!!"  At which 3 people came running, including the vet with the shot.

I don't know how she was able to do it, but the vet was able to get the needle in the catheter without poking herself or Phil while Phil was seizing, which was absolutely horrific to watch.  I was super impressed, not gonna lie.  She gave him enough to sedate him and stop the seizures and asked if we wanted more time.  I said, "NO.  Just do it already."  We're all suffering here, Lady, let's get this shit over with.  I'm tired of sobbing over my soon to be dead dog (oh Megan, always the realist).

She finished off the injection and explained step by step and checked when she was done that his heart had stopped.  She said that we could take as long as we needed to say goodbye and to knock on the door when we were ready.  We stayed for a few minutes and gave him some last love.  Teh German was awesome because when it was all done, he hugged me and gave me kisses and reassured me that we made the best decision.  Not that I was questioning it, but his reassurance did calm my heart.

Just like my boy to be in the middle of the floor, so everyone has to walk around him.

The tech was kind enough to let us out the exam room door instead of us having to walk through the waiting area.  Teh German checked to make sure I was ok to drive and said that we could leave my car and pick it up later if I wanted.  I declined since I was in a prime parking spot and I knew I was fine to drive home.  Once we got home, we had some quiet time.  Meri was still at Roux's house.  Teh German asked for a photo of he and Phil walking on the beach, which I found and cropped and edited for him so he could make his Phil tribute post.  I wasn't ready yet.  Instead, I typed up this post to this point.  I focused on all the details so I wouldn't forget... and so I wouldn't have to retell this story over and over.  I can just send out the link. 

It wasn't until after we'd picked up Meri and I needed to leave (if I was going to make it to my advising appointment) that I was ready to make the Facebook announcement.  I actually made myself late for my appointment, but for Phil, I didn't care.

By now you may have seen the news in other tagged posts, but today Phil went to the Rainbow Bridge. I know he's in good company, but there is a Phil-sized hole (which we all know is pretty damn big) in my heart because he didn't come home with me.

While I knew this day would eventually come, I didn't expect it to come so soon. I know that Philbo is in a better place and that we did everything we could to give him the best life possible (fact: you don't want to know how much I've spent on rugs since 2012 for PHIL).

The reality is, my Baggins was sick in ways we couldn't figure out and today he told me that he was done with this life and his body. I've been waiting for the sign and this morning he made sure I didn't miss it.

I know we all say it about our dogs, but Phil was one of the bestest dogs in the entire world ever. He was my cool dude and he kept everyone in line and failed miserably at teaching Meri his manners.

I know that the days following today will be easier and that eventually the little things won't make me catch my breath to hold in the tears. But today, I'm loving my boy and missing him like crazy and my heart and house feel empty without his presence.

There are many of you here who were touched in some way by Phil's life and I hope that you are able to be comforted by the fact that he's in a better place now. Even up to this point I've received lots of calls and messages and I appreciate every.single.one of you and I thank you for keeping my family in your hearts. Please understand if I don't respond that I am a quiet griever and I'm not trying to be rude or push anyone away.

To my Philbo, who will remain in my heart forever,
I never knew just what lengths I would go to for a dog until you came into my life with your quirks and your personality and demands and velcro-ness. You could frustrate me to absolutely no end and then look at me with those big brown eyes and melt my rage. You knew how to look at me just right to get my bread crusts and practically anything else off my plate. You were my rock so, so many times and I never wanted the day to come when I was crying on your shoulder because you were leaving me, but today was that day. You were always stubborn, so you must have known when your blog post went live about your past few months, so I should have known that you'd have the last word about everything. No matter how much pain you were in, rarely did you let me in on that, stoic as ever. I know you're in a better place, but I always wanted the best place to be with me.. forever. Thank you for all your signs today. You'll always be the bestest puppy-luppy in the whole wide world ever and I'll love you until I can't love anymore. ~Your Momma

Wednesday night I had told Teh German, "I'm not saying we're going to put Phil down this week.  But I doubt he will make until the end of the summer."  We were having the conversation about next steps and how to best help Phil until it was time.  Apparently, Phil was listening to our conversation.  It was like he knew that I was ready, so he was ready.

At 0600 when my "Oh, Baggins" post went live, Phil was barely successful at eating his breakfast.  By 1000, my Baggins was gone.  Thankfully, Teh German and I were on the same page due to some difficult chats and a LOT of tears earlier in the week.  It wasn't hard for either one of us to say, "No more.  We're letting him go."

It's still strange to me.  I keep thinking that when I go home I'll let Phil and Meri out of their crates and refill the water bowl and fix 2 doggy meals.. but that's not how this goes right now.

Some things so far that have choked me up have been:
-Going to hang up Meri's leash after a pack walk and Phil's leash and collar not being there.
-When I was prepping Meri's dinner Thursday night, I didn't need to dip any pills in peanut butter for Phil.
-I realized that I have almost a year's worth of tick applications for a 50+ pound dog that haven't been used.  (This just means that our next dog has to weigh more than 50 pounds.)
-I had to put the rest of Phil's pills for the week back in their proper bottles.
-I just ordered a refill of joint supplement for Phil and he didn't even get to take one of them.  I have this thing where I don't like half full bottles, so I marry the pills into as few bottles as possible.  Fortunately, I can probably take those, lol.
-I have 900 25mg Benedryl that Phil won't be using.
-As soon as I open the box of collars to actually put Phil's collar away, it's going to make me cry.


Signs Phil has sent me that he's ok now:
-I received the email that Phil's new tag had shipped shortly after we got home from the vet on Thursday.
-It rained Thursday night.  It rained on our first date, it rained the day we closed on House, it rained after Teh German proposed...
 -I helped a very old, confused man who stumbled and tripped and wasn't completely aware of what was going on (and if that's not a human version of Phil on Thursday, I'll be damned).

I'm on the lookout for more signs, but I know that Phil is in a better place and I did everything I could to give him the best life possible.  There may be more feelz posts for Phil, but for right now, my goal is to keep on going and to remember Phil in the good ways.

Mr. Baggins,
I love you so much and I'm so glad you were a part of my life for as long as you were.
You changed me in ways I never expected and for that, I am forever grateful.
You are my very bestest boy and I love you forever.
~Your Momma

Oh, Baggins....

This is the story of 2017 Philbo Baggins (up to this point).  You might know him as just Phil or Philalicious or Prince Phillip or Baggins or Mr. Baggy Pants or Stank Breath or that Asshole Dog or numerous other varieties of names that he will answer to if you are holding food.

In early February 2017, Phil had an accident that landed him at the vet because he was limping and refusing to come upstairs.  Turns out he had probably ran into something and scratched himself.  The scratch got infected and swollen and the leg was filled with fluid.  We did an xray to rule out cancer and Phil was started on a round of antibiotics and pain killers and he slept downstairs for several days and started using my $700 runner, that I had made especially for him, as a pee pad.  I thought it was just his meds and passed it off.

After he finished his meds, he continued to have accidents in the house and he was drinking A LOT... like an entire bowl of water in one long lapping session.  For the most part, Phil returned to normal except for these issues.  His leg was fine, his limp was gone.  Then, I also noticed that his belly was SUPER sensitive to any pressure.  Back to the vet we went.  I explained the sensitivity and the drinking and they concurred there was probably an issue.  We agreed to redo his blood work, put him back on doxy for 30 more days, and a urinalysis was done to check his protein levels and specific gravity in his urine.

One of the suggestions I received was to do a sonogram on Phil's abdomen to check for abnormalities.  I was also informed that a particular cancer runs in his bloodline (yay for greyhound linage being tracked!) can be found in that region.  I scheduled the sonogram and then had to cancel it due to funds.  Another suggestion was maybe it was a tick-borne illness that was causing the problems, which a long course of Doxy would possibly help with.

From the 2nd set of labs, the vet suggested maybe Phil was going into kidney failure but it was in the very early stages and she prescribed Phil a blood pressure medication (which would help reduce the protein in his urine which is the cause of kidney damage).  This didn't explain the belly sensitivity, but did possibly explain the accidents.  I posted Phil's lab results in one of my rescue groups for others to take a look at.  I got some feedback from a few individuals and held off on giving Phil the blood pressure medicine (since the vet hadn't taken his blood pressure).  I waited about 2 weeks and didn't notice a difference with just the Doxy, so I started him on the blood pressure meds.

All while dealing with Phil's problems, I'm dealing with my hip issues which turned out to be a torn labrum and would require surgery.

When I called the vet to reschedule Phil's sonogram appointment, I was informed that the office, where I had originally booked said sonogram at, did not offer sonograms since their machines were new and they were still training.  Instead of arguing, I just said, "Ok," and called other vets.  If they were "in training" I didn't need that in my life.  I needed certainty.  I ended up making an appointment at the vet office that Phil and Meri originally went to when we moved to Charleston.  I had Phil's records sent to the 2nd vet's office so that way the vet could see what we'd done and the results from those tests.

After a very long discussion, the vet agreed to do the sonogram I had requested and sent off more blood for more tests.  Those tests came back inconclusive of anything specific.  As in, still no answers to WTF is wrong with my dog.

So I asked what the next steps would be and the vet told me they could run a test for Cushings disease, which had been on my radar.  It didn't cost a fortune, so I agreed.  I waited to do the test for a week, which was hell because I could have just taken him that week, but didn't want to disrupt my schedule.

All the while, the accidents in the house and in his crate continued.  Additionally, his energy for walks has seriously depleted.  Where he was able to do a mile or more last fall, going more than a quarter of a mile means cheerleading and encouraging Phil the entire way home after he just stops walking because he's tired.  My boy wants to keep up, but he's just tired.

Cushings test day finally came and I dropped off Phil at 08 and went back home to anxiously await the phone call that said he was ready to be picked up, which finally came at 2:15.  I high-tailed it to the vet's office.  I won't lie, at this point I was hoping that he had Cushings so that way something was actually wrong with him so we could treat it.

The result of the test was negative.  Phil doesn't have Cushings.  The vet said he would be referring us to a specialist and it was up to me if I wanted to continue to rule out issues.  I went home and cried and cried and cried.

Post Cushings test.

I cried because I was frustrated at not being able to figure out what is going on Phil when I know something is going on with my boy.  I cried after adding up all that I've paid so far in 2017 for Phi's vet bills and it doesn't even include his wellness visit nor his dental.  I cried more at the fact that Phil's vet  $$ account has been depleted.  I cried after the specialist vet called me to set up the appointment and I had to ask how much it was going to cost ($468 for the consult and another sonogram) and I had to tell her that I had just come from the vet and I wasn't currently able to make a decision at that moment about whether or not to bring him in and that I'd have to call her back to set up the appointment.  I cried about not being able to help my Baggins feel his best again.  I cried when I posted on one of my rescue FB groups asking for a sanity check.  I cried even harder when I saw some of the responses.  I cried so much I had to go get the tissues from the bathroom because there were some ugly cries going on.

The bigger issue was that when Teh German got home, I had to talk to him about all of this...
since I had decided that I was going to stop putting Phil and I through the hoops of trying to figure out what is going on and instead just deal with, what we would call, old age and make him as comfortable as possible until the signs that he is done are no longer avoidable (holy run-on sentence).

Teh German didn't take it well and I'm struggling with that but that's not directly related to Phil and for another post.

TL;DR: I'm accepting that something is wrong with Phil
and I'm not going to know what it is. 

I'm out of money and the reality is that Phil is 9.5 years old (he'll be 10 in October) and he's getting older.  Even if we find out what is wrong with him, he may not actually live that much longer, even if we are able to treat it.  I'm trying to be objective about this, and logical, which is extremely difficult because my heart wants to put all the dollars into making my boy better, but the reality is that he will eventually die and nothing I do can stop that.  This is probably the beginning of that process and acceptance is extremely difficult.

I know that many of you have followed along with the Phil situation over the last months and I appreciate your support.

The reality is that I don't know how much longer Phil will be with us.  I plan on having his annual wellness visit and his dental done.  I'm hoping that after his dental is done he may perk up some... and it will help with his breath, which will soon be noxious again since he's no longer on an antibiotic.  He will still be attending the GEGR picnic, even though I don't expect him to run around very much.

I'll be surprised if Phil makes it through the summer.  I say this because heat is especially hard on older dogs and I live in Charleston and summers are brutal here.  I won't mind if he does keep kickin' for longer than that, but low expectations are easier to meet.

For now, I'll be doing what I can to make my Philalicious comfortable.  Even if that means walking 4 doors down and turning around and dropping him off at home so the rest of the pack can do a longer walk and using the carpet cleaner more regularly.  Anything for my Baggins.

Part 2: 5/4/2017

Confessions {5/3}

-To make up for all my Yelp compliments for my review of the day, later in the week, someone sent me a note to tell me that knocking off a star on my review for a location was a stupid.  #YouCantWinEmAll

-While I think the new office will be an adjustment, like most things, I think it is very nice and the planners did very good work.

-After trying to reach my advisor through the phone number listed for them on the admissions letter for THREE days (calling at various times throughout the day) and never getting an answer or reaching a voicemail.. I finally decided to look up their email address in the directory and emailed them.  Of course, I got a response right away.  Humor me, why would the phone number be wrong on the admission letter?  Seriously.  Also, still not sure if it's a male or female since the name is definitely Asian.

-When Teh German stays up and plays on social media till way past our bedtime and then is able to close his eyes and fall asleep, I get irrationally stabby towards him.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, Does he not have thoughts?  Ugh.  The real kicker was when he said he told me he had been super tired the night before... Really?  Is that why you refused to put your phone down while I was laying in bed with my eyes closed trying to impale you with my mind?  #LoveSaves

-Monday evening I told my Snapchat followers the story about my Walmart self-checkout experience.  If you missed it, I'm sad for you.. that filter just really enhances my stories.  Short recap: Walmart Neighborhood Market (so the Walmart grocery store) was super busy because I went right after work with everyone else in the area.  Since the 2 registers that were open had super long lines, I figured I'd just take one for the team and use the self-checkout.  NBD.  Yeah, I was getting huffs and puffs from the lady behind me (sorry you chose wrong, Lady; you should have gotten behind the guy with 6 items instead of the lady with a buggy) and THEN I got one of those stupid "unexpected item in bagging area" errors and there were zero employees around to assist.  When I got home, I noticed that one of the 30 pound bags of dog food I bought has a hole in it.  #Icannot

-Nothing made me feel like more of a horrible dog mom than not feeding Phil breakfast on the day of his Cushings test.


-While I knew I could sleep in on Tuesday because I was teleworking since the bug people were coming and I needed to drop off Phil for his test, I still got up at regular time so 1- Teh German wouldn't be bitter (which I've noticed happens when I can stay in bed and he can't), 2- I could feed (or not feed) the dogs because I knew that Teh German would end up yelling at both or one of them for something and I didn't want to have to explain that early how to feed just one of them.  #momsacrifice

-The feeding situation worked out better than I could have hoped.  Meri came in while Phil was still going business so she ate and went back outside.  Phil tried to go out several times to see if that would trick me into feeding him (since their food is usually at their places when they come inside from going business).  When that didn't work, he drank an entire bowl of water.  Of course he needed to pee after all that, so he went out.  Just as I was about to let him in, I watched him puke up some of the water on the back door.  He's a real gem.

-Certain people at work received keys to the new office.  Except that none of them are the "early" crowd.  I don't understand the logic there, but I'm just a peon.

-I ordered new checks with an updated address and my eventual new last name.  They are Inside Out checks and they are awesome. #noregrets

-Our old/new desks at our new office don't really work with pushpins which super sucks because I have no where to display all my Disney pins.  I'll be buying cork boards.  #investinginmyjoy

-My new 3 screen display is rocking my world, even if I have ZERO need for 3 screens.  At all the cubes, there was a new monitor for everyone.  #notsorry

-I'm 100 photos from being done with Asheville edits.  I've been trying to put forth more of an effort to accomplish that task.  #priorities

-In order to save myself some breath and repeated story telling, I'll be drafting a post today about Phil and his test results and the outcome.  My goal is to have it ready to go live tomorrow.  #ThanksForYourPatience

Weekend Review {5/1}

FRIDAY

Friday was our last day at the office we were subletting.  We were all super pumped because that office smelled horrible and the network was actually a torture tactic and other various things.  I was a little sad to pack up my cube though.  Our old/new desks have clear partitions and well.. that just ain't very private.  Not that I have secrets, just that I like people not seeing how I'm wasting time.

After relocating all my desk stuff to Yurtle, I headed home.  I made a grocery store pit stop on the way home to pick up some outstanding items on my store list.  Then I noticed that some meats were on sale and my tiny buggy was quickly filled.  #firstworldproblems

I got home and put everything away and separated the huge trays of chicken boobs ($1.99/pound #win) and decided to read until it was time for a pack walk since I knew the beasts would be caged for the evening.  Teh PT Wife and Teh Dental Hygienist and I took to the streets.  Phil didn't make it very far (expectedly) and he went home early while the rest of the beasts got an extra long walk.

After I got back home, I had some time until it was time to leave, so I laid down for a quick nap.  I didn't really sleep, but to rest didn't hurt my feelings.  Teh Dental Hygenist and her husband were picking me up at 4:30 to head to Mellow Mushroom, where Teh German would meet up with us.

After dinner, which took forrrrreeevvvveeerrrr, in true Mellow Mushroom style, we made it to the coliseum right at 6:55 for the concert that started at 7.  The Yelp Squad was right out front, so it was easy to pick up our tickets.  I was surprised that our free tickets were for the floor, but we opted to sit in the nosebleeds with our homies since that's where their tickets were for and I knew that we would be less likely to steal someone's seats in that section.

We picked up some 90s swag from the Yelpers and then headed to our seats.

The fanny packs were actually kids (oops), so Teh German wore his as a "cool" hat.

Selfie with our friends (who happen to be our neighbors)!

Honestly, I wasn't overly impressed at the I Love the 90s concert.  There were a lot of acts and so they each came out and sang one or two of their most popular songs and talked a lot.  Maybe that's a 90s thing, the talking, but a lot of people were annoyed with all the yakkin'.... lookin' at you Salt N Pepa.

After the concert ended, we headed home.  Phil had an accident in his crate, which I kinda expected.  After getting the crates cleaned up (Meri's crate blanket needed to be washed as well) and getting dog breakfast prepped, we headed to bed.

SATURDAY

Teh German had big plans of tackling yard work on Saturday.  Because I'm a team player, I also got involved.  We had cereal for breakfast to save our Mellow Mushroom leftovers for lunch.  I also put chicken in the crockpot for enchiladas for dinner.  Then, we headed outside to do yard things.  Teh German edged the yard and struggled with the lawn mower (since he didn't have the right tools to lower the blades) and I gave him permission to buy a new lawn mower (the effort was just not worth the frustration imo).  While he was doing yard things, I was planting the Publix flowers in the hanging baskets.  I also replanted the lavender plant I got at the same time.  I then set about fertilizing all the flowers with miracle grow.  Not sure if I did it right, but I did try.

After we were done with the front yard, I headed inside and found Teh German heating up his leftover pizza.  I offered him half of my calzone as well, which he did not turn down.  When we were done with lunch, we headed out back to tackle the weeds.  Hoursssss of weed pulling went down.  I did manage to chat with Teh Sister who currently has a greyhound foster dog (which makes this sister soooo proud!) and we may have taken a break for a short bit where I was pretty sure I could have fallen asleep, but then Teh German said, "Babe.." and I had to respond like I wasn't almost asleep, which kinda killed it.  We finished up the rest of the weeding and then we were done for the day.

A former coworker had invited us over to watch the Stingrays game since it's the playoffs, they bought the playoff package.  We showered and sat down on the couch to kill some time until it was time to head to their house.  We may have napped because being outside all day is exhausting and when you're broke like me, it was extra rough for my back and hip (in fact, 2-3 days later/at the time of writing this, I'm still unbelievably sore).

When the alarm went off, which Teh German suggested we set, "Just in case," we both got up and changed and headed out the door.  He's so smart.  That's why I'm marrying him.  I wanted to pick up cupcakes at Publix and Teh German needed cash to pay for dinner.

I bought a new traveling "beer" cooler so Teh German doesn't have to take my lunchbox everywhere.
I told him it has wheat on it because beer.  Actually that was the only pattern they offered in that size.

We had chinese for dinner and rice krispy treats for dessert and watched the Stingrays loose.  After the game, which thankfully didn't go into overtime like the night prior, we headed home and crashed into bed.  No Phil accidents this time.  Thankfully.

SUNDAY

We planned to go to brunch at Holy City Brewing with Teh Cool Kids at 1130, so we got a slow start.  Since Teh German had gotten up with the beasts on Saturday morning, I took my turn on Sunday.  I came straight back to bed and fell back asleep. 

We enjoyed some Meri snuggles.

We ended up being late, but it was ok since no one was really in a rush/Teh Cool Kids are cool.  Teh German and I were pretty testy with each other and on the way there I told him we weren't speaking to each other until after we arrived and maybe even after he ate because I wasn't in the mood to deal with that.  I took the opportunity to do my German lessons.

When we got to Holy City, we ordered drinks and food.  I wasn't sure what I wanted for a beverage so I ordered the pineapple thing on the menu, thinking it was going to be the pineapple soda they had a few months ago.  WRONG.  It was pineapple beer.  That would explain 1- why there was no ice in my soda, 2- why the bartender looked at me like I had 2 heads when I asked for a straw.

Everyone at the table, "It sure looks like beer."

Chicken and waffles

After brunch and beers were consumed, we headed out.  Teh German and I headed to the tobacco store to pick up shisha for the hookah and everyone else to the grocery store.  When we got home, I started the laundry and laid down for a nap.  When I woke up, Teh German was no where to be found and I may have had a meltdown when he didn't answer my text and he finally answered when I called and told me he had went to Teh PT Neighbor's house on his own since I was asleep.

He did come home after he realized I was super pissed off.  Honestly, I had searched the entire house and yard for him and couldn't find him.  I don't know at what point I grew out of yelling for people from the porch, but I didn't do that.  I could have guessed where he was and just walked over on my own, but I knew I'd be pissed and we didn't need to have that battle in front of everyone.  Also, Teh German didn't even leave and note and yes, he was only 2 doors down, but he had vanished and I just didn't like being abandoned.  No matter if he was trying to be nice because I was sleeping or not.  If that's the case.. LEAVE A DAMN NOTE or text me.

Mostly, it was a misstep by Teh German in whatever impasse we had going on between us.  We hadn't really been talking because we were only getting on each other's nerves, but he overstepped when he left the house.  Me going to bed to take a nap was not against the rules because I was still at home.  He had decided to leave without telling me and that's not ok... apparently.  There were seriously tears and ugly crying when I pretty much hung up on him after he told me where he was.  I did say bye twice so I didn't technically hang up on him.

After he came home and apologized for deserting me, I told him I'd be fine (but refused to say that it was ok, because I was not letting him off the hook).  We leashed up the dogs and headed over to Teh PT Neighbor's house.

 Several of Teh Cool Kids were over and Teh PT Husband and Teh German smoked cigars while others of us enjoyed the hookah.  I will pat myself on the back and say I definitely got some good flavors.

We finally headed home around 6 since it was after doggy dinner time and Phil and Meri were starting to get relentless.  Once the beasts were fed, I made enchiladas for dinner (yay for having extra leftovers this week).  Teh German was super (and maybe still trying to make up for deserting me) and asked if there was anything he could help with while I was making dinner.  I set him upon various tasks that I had on my mental to do list and asked him to roll the laundry and start a new load.  Yeah that was a disaster.  Let's just say it was good that I went upstairs and double checked his work while he was outside setting up the sprinkler to water the yard.

After dinner was cleaned up, we watched 2 episodes of Modern Family and took our time getting upstairs for bed.  When Teh German finally made it upstairs, I instructed him on how to start the laundry.  As in, I told him what to do and he did it so that way he had done it before.  I think this is the 2nd time I've walked him through the process, but whatever.  I told him I'd be writing up some instructions and putting them in the laundry room for him in the near future.

Finally, it was bedtime.

____________________________________________

Another good weekend for the books.  It really is awesome to be friends with our neighbors because we don't feel like we need to go out to have a good time.  We also really like being at home since we really love House, so having friends within walking distance is yet another perk.

Today was super busy since it was the first day at the new office, which is why this post is going up so late.

If you've been around here for long, you may remember that May and I don't often see eye to eye (and I try to bypass the month entirely), but who knows.  This year could be the year that changes.. HAHAHAHHA.. probably not.  Truthfully, I'm trying to fit as much into this month as possible since June 1st is my hip surgery and the end of my "freedom", if you will.

This week holds Phil's Cushings test (Tues), I'll be meeting with my advisor on Thurs and that same night Teh German and I will be attending our 2nd Brewseum event at the children's museum downtown.  Originally, we had considered going to NC for the weekend, but that's looking like a no-go since neither of us are particularly motivated to road trip and I don't have a dog sitter lined up for the beasts.  That kinda works out for me because long riding sessions really set off my hip and it's really not worth the 4 hour drive to NC if I'm not going to be able to enjoy myself.

Happy May, Gentle Readers!