Monday, September 3, 2012

Ways my parents scarred me... FOR LIFE.. 1

It's a holiday in America (Labor Day (for all the other days we labor, ya know?)) and so I'm sitting here enjoying a morning bowl of cereal and I'm almost done and I question myself, "Have you been slurping from your spoon?"

Seriously, who questions themselves with such weird shit?  Also, you might be curious why I would even bother to question myself like that since 1) I live alone, kinda 2) I know the dog doesn't care 3) I don't care.

Let me tell you Gentle Readers, let me tell you.

After my parents split up, I lived with Teh Dad for a few years.  Till we had a big fight and I was like, I QUIT! and moved to Teh Mom's where I wanted to quit even more, but college wasn't coming soon enough, so I just stuck it out.  DRAMAAAA!

Anyways, living with Teh Dad.  I'm not even sure what we were doing but either I was on the computer (hrm, not much has changed since 8th grade (when we got the computer), at least I'm consistent) and he was in the living room watching TV or we were both watching TV (which I think is what was going on).  I had a bowl of  Frosted Mini Wheat that I was really enjoying.  Sometimes, cereal is really just a simple pleasure for me.

We were doing whatever it was, then Teh Dad scared the bejesus out of me with, "WOULD YOU STOP SLURPING??"

Not only did I spill some milk because he scared me and I jumped out of my skin, but I had no idea what he was talking about.  So I gave him the deer-in-headlights look and continued eating my cereal.

Again, "Stop slurping!"  Again, deer-in-headlights.

So now, I'm trying to listen to myself eat my cereal, but I was really distracted by something (which is what makes me think that we were watching TV, since I can't focus on literally anything else when I'm watching TV).  I can't hear what he's talking about.  Cereal doesn't make a loud noise (unless its Rice Krispies) like potato chips, and I'm always conscious of how loud potato chips are.  Nothing.  I couldn't figure out what he was talking about.

Another bite.  I'm pretty sure Teh Dad growled at me.  I looked at him and finally said, "I have no idea what you're talking about.  I'm listening and I'm not hearing anything."

Teh Dad responded, "Every time you take a bite, you slurp the milk out of the spoon!  It's driving me crazy!  Take smaller bites or something."

I tried.  I tried 1 mini wheat at a time on my spoon.  He still was glaring at me with flames in his eyes.

It took me two or three more bites to finally hear what he was talking about.  I'm a spoon slurper.  It's the truth.  Since I was 15, I've been extremely conscious of my spoon slurping.  I'm scarred for life, y'all.

Worst part is, I'm still a spoon slurper.  Apparently, spoons are very hard for me to eat from without making noise... FOREVER.

Let it not ever be said that I'm above blackmail.

This is Teh Dad.  I was visiting NC and he found my phone and figured out how to use the camera (I thought old people were supposed to be bad at technology??), effectively draining the battery so my phone died within a few hours of his glamour shots session.

Yeah, now he knows that no photos are safe.  This is payback for killing my battery that day.  Payback for scarring me for life has yet to begin.  I haven't been able to eat from a spoon since I was 15 without listening if I'm slurping...  payback for something like that has to be substantial.

PS.  This is the same man who claims to be half deaf in one ear and can't hear me when I'm right beside him..  but he heard me slurping from a spoon across the room.  Riiiiiiiight.


  1. I have this really weird tendency to go "Mhmmmm" when I eat. Not like a normal "Mhhm this is good," kind of thing, but a series of noises that make it sound like I'm enjoying the food a little too much. I always feel awkward when I catch myself doing it while alone. Oh well. We do what we do.

  2. I know people that do that! It doesn't bother me though. I guess slurping would bother me.. if I could actually hear someone else doing it..
    The most annoying body sound is still when an animal licks themselves. Makes me batty!

  3. Hahaha okay, this cracked me up because I can totally understand how your dad feels (sorry!). It's like that episode of...hmm, what is it? Family Guy? where one person makes an extra little sound each time they sip coffee and the other person (likely Stewie) has death in his eyes.

    But I ALSO understand what it's like to be on the other end of it. I have a distinct memory from elementary school where we were taking a test and a kid next to me told the teacher she couldn't concentrate 'cause I was BREATHING too loudly. I was a very snotty and allergic kid. Still am. It was so embarrassing, and I tried to breathe quietly through my nose, but then I couldn't really BREATHE! When I'm especially stuffy, I have to breathe through my mouth. I'm an open-mouthed breather.

    1. OMG I call it the sniffle symphony! I used to get soooo distracted during end of year testing because of people with snotty noses (despite knowing they couldn't really do anything about it, so I just had to bear with it. The one time I did complain the teacher just brought them tissues, like kids know how to use those! ppfth). I wish I'd have been clever enough to bring earplugs!


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