You remember that website a few years ago where you could rate if people were "Hot or Not?" Yeah, well, how fortunate for you, this post isn't about that. Also, do people even still go to that site? Does it still exist? Obviously I didn't go to check.
I have a serious thing to talk about though.
Gentle Readers, I physically CAN NOT eat spicy foods.
I try. I put in a genuine effort to try and be like all the cool kids who are like, "It's not that spicy! Watch! I can drink this whole bottle of hot sauce!"
It's not that I won't. I have! I tried! And by try, I mean I'll dip a tiny edge of a chip into the salsa and if its too much, I'll immediately down my beverage and continue eating just chips.
It's that when I eat spicy foods, my mouth starts to burn, my throat starts to burn, I end up with heartburn/indigestion within 20 minutes, I have to eat Tums when I leave the restaurant and before I go to bed (so yeah, my calcium levels are the shiznit)... but nothing about the experience is pleasant.
All my friends know that Teh Megan doesn't eat spicy foods. Not even mildly spicy. As in, not even too much table pepper, ya'll. I didn't start eating green peppers until a few years ago and most of the time, I pick those out too (cause I think they taste funky). Don't come near me with those Papa John's banana peppers, and anything that has chili seeds in it isn't going into my body. Oh, you love jalapeno pepper poppers? That's nice. You can have my portion as well, because that's not going in my body.
Due to my situation, one of the most loathsome conversations I have is this one:
Teh Megan: Ok, I tried that, it's too hot for me. You can have it. I need a drink now.
Random Person: It's not that spicy! I just ate half the bowl!
It happens every.single.time.
And the last time it happened, I finally lost it and said, "Right, it's too spicy for me. I wouldn't have said that if I was lying."
I felt kind of awful about losing it like that. Truly. I felt like it was a pretty rude thing to say, mostly due to the way I said it, but I meant it. It was like that person took the hit for all the people that have ever told me something isn't as spicy as it was to me. But, it was true.
In the same way I wouldn't belittle your feelings about your need to "calm down" after someone wronged you, don't try to tell me how something should taste!
I've considered this situation for a long time and the easiest thing is just to not partake of potentially spicy foods. I've considered why my body accept spicy foods and some folks have suggested it's because I haven't practiced eating very much spicy foods.
Ok. Maybe. But when it's a literal painful experience, WHY would I?
And then I thought to myself about a barely-related situation that happened YEARS ago when I was a freshman in high school.
My lower back was hurting because of marching band practice and my baritone being as big as me and I had my boyfriend at the time put some muscle rub on my back. Within 30-60 seconds of him starting to rub it on, I was screaming, "GET IT OFF! IT BURNS!!! GET IT OFF!!! I'M ON FIRE!!!" Teh Mom comes running in like he's raping me, and he's just staring at me crying and screaming and dancing around trying to fan my shirt on my back (which was making it infinitely worse btw), and they are both trying to get me to calm down enough to figure out what the heck I'm saying.
Again, I scream through my sobs, "GET IT OFF OF ME!!!!!"
Teh Mom looks at the guy and he finally gets it (he was a really nice guy, but sooo slow when it came to common sense sometimes) and remembers he was putting muscle rub on my back a moment before I started screaming. Teh Mom ran to the bathroom and gets a cool washcloth to wipe off my back, but by then it was too late. The rub had already soaked in. Teh Mom wiped and wiped and the burning was not stopping. Even when she just laid the washcloth on my back, it still felt like there were literal flames coming from my lower back. My skin was bright red for hours.
That boyfriend's mom was a nurse, so I asked her if she'd ever heard of anyone not being able to use muscle rub. She said, "Yes, actually. There are some rubs that have a certain pepper as the ingredient to make them 'warm up' and some people are allergic to that pepper." I reported this to Teh Mom who said, "I've always wondered if you were allergic to Ben-Gay because you always complained how hot it would get if you'd put it on." I explained that I thought it was supposed to get warm, and Teh Mom explained that it wasn't supposed to burn. I've not used muscle rub since, because it's nothing something I've grown out of. I've tried. Trust me, I've tried.
I give up.
So here's my story: I'm allergic to peppers, which is why I don't enjoy spicy foods. So, please be my guest, and eat all the salsa... Have that Papa John's banana pepper, I don't want it... Nah, I don't need the pepper, but I'll pass it along for you... Oh you have General Tso's Chicken? No thanks, I don't want a bite.