Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Copy Paste Whoring

W.T.F.  You remember back in the day when you'd get those "heart wrenching" emails about some 4 year old girl with stage 4 melanoma-Parkinson's-leukemia-sclerosis-syphilis-cancer.. well I feel like someone thought that was a good idea to bring to FB, and now everyone is copy pasting these 420 character max messages to their FB so all their friends see it.

Teh Bear and I teamed up.  I like to write, he likes to be a smart ass, its a win win.  We made responses to the currently popular copy/paste statuses.  Enjoy.

Examples:
FB Version: The status copy/pasted straight from Facebook. 
Response:  Teh Bear's responses to copy pasted statuses.  His sarcasm, wit, and meanness levels go beyond my own, but I did make some changes here and there..  editorial blogger rights or whatever.

FB Version:  At the request of a Facebook friend - We are asking everyone to say a prayer for the US "Darkhorse" 3rd Battalion 5th Marines and their families. They are fighting it out in Afghanistan and have lost 9 Marines in 4 days. IT WOULD BE NICE TO SEE IT ON EVERYONE'S PAGE......Even if it's only for an hour to show your support. I am HONORED to re-post this... Thank you to "OUR" Service men and women.
Response:  At the request of a Facebook friend- We are asking everyone to say a prayer for the US “Darkhouse” 3rd Battalion 5th Marines and their families.  They are fighting it out (not really sure why you need to specify they were fighting out, like are they going to fight indoors in a different country?  I’m lost already.) in Afghanistan and have lost 9 Marines in 4 days (sounds like they need to work on their accountability so that they don’t lose anymore Marines, we don’t have many of those guy to begin with.)  IT WOULD BE NICE TO SEE IT ON EVERYONE’S PAGE (Holy hell no need to yell at me with your ‘suggestion’, I thought you were my friend.)  Even if it’s only for an hour to show your support (Because everyone having the same status update makes Facebook more valuable to check.)  I am HONORED (I bet you are, asshole)  Thank you to “our” (why the quotes?  What’s going on here?) service men and women.

(Teh Megan's informative fact: The Darkhorse Battalion suffered 25 causalities from Sept 2010 to Apr 2011, when they returned to Camp Pendlelton.  I'm not saying its not a big deal, but they were in one of the most dangerous combat zones in Afghanistan.  War is costly.)

srsly?
FB Version:  Instead of threatening to withhold Social Security payments of people who really need the money....Lets hold the paycheck's of all house & senate members, then see how fast it is resolved!!!!! If you agree repost this & keep it going across FB..maybe the higher ups will get the message!
Response:  Instead of threating to withhold Social Security payments of people who really need the money….Lets hold the paychecks of all House and Senate members, then see how fast it is resolved!!!!!! (How fast WHAT is resolved?  Global Warming?  Home Values?  The AIDs epidemic?  The last season of Lost? What needs to be resolved?)  If you agree repost this & keep it going across FB (I wasn’t aware that Facebook was something that you could traverse like a Lewis and Clark expedition, good to know for later.)  Maybe the higher ups will get the message (My guess is that if they are looking at Facebook for the answer to this ‘problem’ they are not all that excited to fix the problem, maybe we just write them a good ‘ole fashioned letter or call your representative, pretty sure those methods are still viable options in this day and age!  Probably also just as effective.)


FB Version:  Salary of the US President. ..$400,000.
Salary of retired US Presidents ...$180,000.
Salary of House/Senate...$174, 000.
Salary of Speaker of the House...$223,500...
Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders... $193,400...
Average Salary of Soldier DEPLOYED IN IRAQ $38,000...
I think we have found where the cuts should be made! If you agree... repost

Response:  Salary of the US (they are the United States also known as U.S. not the us President)  $400,000
Salary of retired US (again with the us people…)   $180,000
Salary of House/Senate   $174,000
Salary of Speaker of the House  $223,500
Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders   $193,400
Average Salary of Soldier (pretty sure there are other service members deployed aside from the Army) DEPLOYED IN IRAQ  $38,000
I think we have found where the cuts should be made!  (Ummm, not me…you didn’t tell me where.  Should we just reduce pay for everyone, including members of the military?  Perhaps we just get the men and women OUT of Iraq that would save a bundle.  You are being entirely too vague for me to waste a status update on….be upfront with your agenda!)  If you agree…repost (naturally…..)

(Teh Megan's rant: Let's think about how many people hold these higher paid positions, then compare that to how many members of the Armed Forces there are.  Alright then.  And better yet, enlisted to officer routes are pushed on every enlisted person, so there are ways for soldiers to get raises, motivation required.  Also, some people have never earned over $15k till they joined the military, so $30k+ is a super significant, and even dangerous, amount of money for some soldiers.  Also, lets consider the average age of a soldier.  Ok, yeah, then add that with the dangerous statement.  Would I like to make more money?  Sure why not.  Should I have to go the routes that would allow me to earn that raise?  Yes, yes I should.  Those people in higher positions got there (most of them at least) because they have the credentials to back their positions.  Anyone can volunteer to be trained to hold a gun and be shot at.)

or do, and let Darwin's Theory of Evolution help out society.
FB Version:  I'm not super hot or gorgeous....I don't have an amazing figure or a flat stomach....I'm far from being considered a model, but I'm ME....I eat junk food and love to wear my PJ's and will go without makeup....I'm random and crazy, and I don't pretend to be someone I'm not....I am who I am, love me… or not, I won't change ME. Ladies put this on your status if you are proud of who you are.!
Response:  I’m not super hot or gorgeous (that was very apparent from your Facebook picture, Maybe you should get out and start exercising?  Just be sure to consult a medical professional first.) I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach (of course not, but I’m sure someone will appreciate your portable table.)  I’m far from being considered a model (hand model?  Fashion model?  Model citizen?  Be a little more specific.)  but I’m ME (surprise, surprise.  The name going with this status update had thrown me off.)  I eat junk food (hello diabetes and obesity along with heart disease and early death.  At least you aren’t going to be a burden on the health care system for long.) and love to wear my PJ’s and go without makeup (the image of a bra-less troll going to the market will haunt my dreams for many years to come. (I wanted to delete this part, but I can't think of anything more clever.))  I’m random (just like ALL the other people that posted this update.) and crazy (no shit.)  and I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not (maybe you should give it try.  Try pretending to be a well adjusted person, you might like it.)  I am who I am, love me (somebody will, but not me.  You and I will remain Facebook friends…I’m just not THAT into you.)  or not (oh, thank, Jesus.)  I won’t change ME (but could you at least change those funky PJ’s?)  Ladies put this on your status if you are proud of who you are!  (I’m starting to pick up this exclamation point thing we got going on here, HELL YEAH!!)

FB Version:  Your sister is your first friend in life. No one will ever understand your crazy family like your sister. Even if you don't get together or talk as much as you could, she'll always remain your friend. Your sister will hold your hand for a little while, but will hold your heart for a lifetime. Repost if you have a sister or sisters that you love with all your heart love sent to all my sisters
Response:  Your sister is your first friend in life (unless she is your younger sister and you have a few brothers between the two of you, she might have to wait a few years to get that honor of friend.)  No one will ever understand your crazy family like your sister (unless your sister is the crazy one, then God help you both.)  Even if you don’t get together or talk as much as you could, she’ll remain your friend.  (at least until the restraining order and no contact order are signed by the judge.)  your sister will hold your hand for a little while (not creepy!!)  but will hold your heart for a lifetime (are we talking like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom heart holding here?  Cause that is rather creepy, Mola Ram.)  Respost if you have a sister or sisters that love you with all your heart love sent to all my sisters (Holy mother of Gawd.  If I have a sister/sisters that love me with all of MY heart?!?!  I am not sure if they love me with my heart, but this could be related to the fact they are holding on to my heart for a life time.  I’m just happy as hell they invented a fake heart so that I’m not dead thanks to my sister and her heart grabbing ways.  Random side note, if you have sisters…who gets to hold your heart?  Is it a random lottery that determines the holder of the heart or do you just do it by whoever is the oldest.  Perhaps we just go by the last four of the social.  This is too confusing.)


FB Version:  Needing someone to talk to, how many would actually be there for you? I can guarantee not even 1 of your Facebook friends will copy this status. If you would BE THERE FOR ME, set this as your status & see how many of us would be there for you! (I just did for 1 of my friends) Let's try it out & see. Prove me wrong friend
Response:  Needing someone to talk to, (not really, if I was I would probably be calling you on the phone or stopping by, cause we’re friends and what not.) how many would actually be there for you? (that is going to depend on whether they are at home or have to work that day.  I don’t think it’s fair to hold it against them if they have to work that day, seems a bit harsh.)  I can guarantee not even 1 of your Facebook friends will copy this status (I freakin wish this was true.  I wouldn’t be here ranting about stupid copy and paste status if you more like a bank guaranteeing loan rates and less like Nostradamus predicting the end of the world.)  If you would BE THERE FOR ME, set this as your status & see how many of us would be there for you!! (Or you could take the low tech approach and just know your friends and what they are made of before the shit hits the fan, so that you can decide whether they are worth your time to begin with.  Cause I mean, if they have to tell you via a copy and paste that they would be there for you, I’m betting it’s highly unlikely that they will actually be there when you need ‘em.)  I just did this for 1 of my friend (I hadn’t noticed from the copy and paste.)  Let’s try it out & see (Let’s not and say we did.)  Prove me wrong friend. (I just did by defriending you.)

FB Version:  It's offical. signal at 12:20 it even passed on tv. Facebook will start charging this summer.If you copy this on your wall your icon will turn blue and facebook will be free for you. Please pass this message if not your account will be deleted. p.s, this is serious the icone turns blue, So please put this as your status
Response:  It's offical. signal at 12:20 it even passed on tv. Facebook will start charging this summer.  If you copy this on your wall your icon will turn blue and facebook will be free for you. Please pass this message if not your account will be deleted. p.s, this is serious the icone turns blue, So please put this as your status (ummm…well…WOW!  I don’t have much to say on this cause if you can’t notice your FB icon is ALREADY blue…then I’m gonna go ahead and let you know there are other email services aside from Hotmail and AOL.  Thankfully this message really only appears on your mom’s page as she is probably afraid that if she clicks on the wrong link she will implode and crash the entire interwebs…)

It's all the <3s that mean you really love your mom.
FB Version:  Florida is the first state that is now going to require drug testing for welfare! Some people are crying this is unconstitutional. How is this unconstitutional but it's completely legal that every other working person had to pass a drug test in order to support those on welfare?
Re-post if you agree!!! I see no reason why my tax dollars have to pay for someone's drug habit..
Response:  Florida is the firs state that is now going to require drug testing for welfare! (Again with the exclamation points.  Florida was also one of the first states to screw up an election, but I don’t see a status update floating around about that one….yet.)  Some people are crying this is unconstitutional.  (I think the number of people was slightly more than what would qualify for the term ‘some’ but I’m going with it so far.)  How is this unconstitutional (I think because people feel it violates some right or something like that, stupid whiners.)  but it’s completely legal that every other working person (so not everyone?  Just every other one?  Pretty sure all the people that got hired at Target had to take a drug test…I KNOW all the people in the military had to take one (and still get randomly selected).  So it sounds like maybe not every other person has to pass, but a large number of people.)  had to pass a drug test in order to support those on welfare?  (Not really, cause the money from welfare comes from taxes that are collect on all working people, including those other people whom did not have to pass or take a drug test to get their jobs, lucky bastards.  Plus welfare also includes medical and food monies, but I mean some people have no problem with taking food from a baby who needs it cause their mom or dad were laid off thanks to big business trying to save some money.)  Re-post if you agree!!! (It’s like an exclamation point orgy)  I see no reason why my tax dollars have to pay for someone’s drug habit. (good job exposing yourself as a middle class white person.  Hurray for narrow views that assume most people on welfare are drug users and abusers even though there is no evidence to suggest such.  It should say “Re-post if you are a white suburbanite republican who doesn’t seek out information and waits for a talking head or status update to care about something.”)

(Teh Megan's comment:  Teh Bear is from FL, pretty sure he got all riled up for that response.)

Ok, fine, I did actually play this game.
FB Version:  Dear little Caylee, last night on ET they mentioned that your mommy was going to make lots of money off a book (her story) and a movie. CAYLEE, we the public promise you, WE WILL NOT buy either one. If you will make this promise to Caylee then copy and paste this on your status...I did..R.I.P . little Caylee...
Response:  Dear little Caylee, last night on ET they mentioned that your mommy was going to make lots of money off a book (her story) and a movie.  (Glad to see that I’m not the only one that gets my information from good ‘ole Entertainment Tonight, love that John Tesh…what, he’s not there anymore?)  CAYLEE, we the public promise you, WE WILL NOT buy either one.  (They have Facebook in heaven right?  No?  Do they at least have Google +?  This should clearly be changed from WE to I, cause claiming all the public isn’t going to do something in one status update, is quite bold.)  If you will make this promise to Caylee then copy and paste this on your status (don’t worry about the fact that you ass was GLUED to the tv and trial soaking in EVERY moment of the trial under the guise of “Justice for Caylee".)  I did R.I.P. little Caylee.

FB Version:  Breaking News: "Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life"... (Dispatcher) What is ur emergency? Please help me,I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Okay ma'am, calm down. What is your name? Casey Anthony. Okay Miss Anthony try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days.…

Response:  Breaking News: "Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life"... (Dispatcher) What is ur emergency? Please help me,I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Okay ma'am, calm down. What is your name? Casey Anthony. Okay Miss Anthony try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days.…(Ok, this one kinda hits home a lot, cause answering the 911’s is what I do for a living.  First off this should not be “Breaking News” it’s a joke.  It should have said “Poor, unoriginal, yet timely joke:”  Second, at no point does the dispatcher get an address, this is silly.   Where are they going to send help?  Next, the name?  Least important, we need to have an address here people.  Finally, the part about taking 31 days to send out a cop…stupid.  No dispatcher gives a time frame.  We would say something more like “Ok, Casey, we will get some out there as quickly as possible, if anything changes or escalates calls us back.”  What?  Are you upset there was no scathing sarcasm dripping from this one?  Not my fault it’s a stupid joke.  A joke you probably laughed at or at least giggled at…I know I did.)


(Teh Megan's comment:  Teh Bear is from Orlando, pretty sure he got all riled up for that response too, as he hated the constant stream of media related to case and often told me so.)


Really?  Or you could just stop being a pussy and suck it up.
FB Version:  Let's be clear on this: OBAMA did NOT kill Bin Laden. An American soldier, who Obama just a few weeks ago was debating on whether or not to PAY, did. Obama just happened to be the one in office when our soldiers finally found OBL and took him out. This is NOT an Obama victory, but an AMERICAN victory!! REPOST IF YOU AGREE!!
Response:  Let's be clear on this (finally a status that will not be vague.): OBAMA did NOT kill Bin Laden. (Oh!  Didn’t realize we were going to state the plainly obvious.  I mean there were pictures of President Obama and Secretary Clinton sitting in the White House when it all went down.) An American soldier (could have sworn it was the SEALs, who are Department of the Navy (sailors) last time I checked, but I mean we haven’t been accurate with the services in our status updates yet.  So why start now?), who Obama just a few weeks ago was debating on whether or not to PAY (I was fairly certain it was more than just the military that was being thought about.  Could have sworn it was BILLIONS of dollars to fund general Government operation that was being debated.), did. Obama just happened to be the one in office (lucky bastard, how’d he manage that?) when our soldiers (Uggg, again?  You know you post a lie enough people start to believe it and no one will dispute the truth.) finally found OBL (Thought it a joint effort involving multiple agencies and assistance from the U.S. military?)  and took him out (for ice cream?  Let’s not be vague, you said that in the start of this copy and paste.) This is NOT an Obama victory, but an AMERICAN victory!! REPOST IF YOU AGREE!! (AMERICA!!! FUCK YEA!!!!  Yay exclamation points.)

FB Version:  Stupid cancer... we all wish to have a new car, new phone, to lose weight, a person who has cancer only wants one thing: To fight their cancer. I know that 97% of you guys won't put this on your wall, but 3% of my friends will. Put it on your wall in honor of someone who died from cancer or who 's fighting it..
Response:  Stupid cancer (always ruins the party…EVERY time.)... we all wish to have a new car (how bout we start with a car period?  Bastard doesn’t have to be new, I’ll gladly take a used one at this point.), new phone (Not really, those data plans are a drain on finances.), to lose weight (I like the anorexia promotion, way to hammer home the point by picking on the self-conscious person.), a person who has cancer only wants one thing (to have meaningless sex with as many people as they can before they die, since ALL cancer is fatal right?): To fight their cancer (Oh. I feel like a complete jerk now.) . I know that 97% of you guys won't put this on your wall (never mind, I don’t. Cause you are right about me not reposting this cause it’s a waste of space.  I’m just gonna keep donating money, bone marrow, whatever it takes to beat cancer like a bully that took my lunch money.), but 3% of my friends will (I hate those 3%.  I hope they get Cancer and die.). Put it on your wall in honor of someone who died from cancer or who 's fighting it..(Like Russell Crow’s fighting Cancer ‘round the World, along with his good buddy Tugger?  That was a great show.  Too bad Tugger shot himself in the steam stack.  TUGGER WHY!!!!!)

I feel like this is the best way to make use of your entire lawn.
FB Version:  THERE IS NO spider under the skin
YOU CAN'T see the girl stripping
YOU CAN'T find out who looked at your profile
YOU WILL NOT know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter
YOU WILL NOT see pics of Osama Bin Laden's dead body
YOU WILL NEVER know why that baby is laughing
*Do not click on these links. You are exposing yourself to viruses!* Copy & paste this as your status to spread this message.
Response (by Teh Megan):  THERE IS NO spider under the skin (and why would this be interesting anyways?  Eww.)
YOU CAN'T see the girl stripping (even though you are a perv and you want to.)
YOU CAN'T find out who looked at your profile (who the hell cares?  Trust issues much?  if you had your FB privacy settings amped up, you wouldn't have to be concerned about this.)
YOU WILL NOT know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter (although I'm sure you could just ask any man with a daughter what he would say to find this out instead of getting hacked.)
YOU WILL NOT see pics of Osama Bin Laden's dead body (unless you're awesome.)
YOU WILL NEVER know why that baby is laughing (don't babies do tons of unexplained things anyways?  Its a baby, who cares as long as it's not screaming?)
*Do not click on these links. You are exposing yourself to viruses!* Copy & paste this as your status to spread this message. (although all your friends already clicked the hacker links already, and they ALWAYS click the hacker links and spam you, yet someone is bitter and must post a PSA copy/paste to cover ALL the viral (literally) videos with links that aren't verified.)

Teh Bear's final say: So there you go, all the great reasons of why your copy and paste status isn't going to end world hunger, isn't going to stop child abuse by changing your profile picture.  Won't make people think you are any cooler than you were prior to your copy and paste retardedness.  If you want to change something or take action for or against something, go the more traditional route and get up off your ass and get involved.  End world hunger?  Why not start in your local community at a soup kitchen?  Get those Welfare leechers off of drugs?  Why not donate some money or pester you local representative to fund drug treatment facilities.  Please stop the copy and paste in your status.  Re-Post this link if you agree!!!! (don't forget the exclamation points...oh and the hearts god don't forget the hearts.) ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Back to Teh Megan:
My other new favorite thing, creating stupid events.

Like, the Zombie Apocolypse or the May 22, 2011 Looting Day or remembering Caylee events...

/wrist.  Srsly?  As if I didn't have to spend enough time already blocking all game requests/notifications (congratulations on not having a life and always playing FB games) or hiding people that post entire status updates in txt speak, which I refuse to translate or read.

And no lie, there are people that I most definitely have had to "hide" because they only updates they have are the copy/paste statuses or game requests.  Le sigh.

I might talk in the 3rd person on a regular basis for my status updates and address my posts to non-cognizant things, but at least I'm not a copy/paste whore.  You're welcome, Gentle Reader (assuming you don't have me hidden from your FB feed for posting annoying shit).

Rant(s) complete.  For now.




PS.  I apologize that the format of this blog was so ridiculously difficult.  It was very complicated how to differentiate between myself and Teh Bear's comments.  Hopefully you didn't give up halfway through, and if you did, I probably wouldn't blame you.  Different colors prob would have worked nicely, but the issue with that is not everyone reads Teh Blog on my page (its ok you sneaky, sneakers), so using crazy formatting besides general bold/italics/underline/strike-through gets....tricky.

PPS.  The other day I posted a status on FB about not clicking on the spider video.  That was definitely before the above mentioned copy/paste came out.  I feel like they stole my PSA idea.  Glad I was able to contribute to the world in a meaningful way.

PPPS.  Yes, I know that my blogging schedule got off, it took some extra time to collaborate with Teh Bear.

 
    


   

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