In honor of Memorial Day this weekend, I give you a list of things that vary between the military lifestyle and the civilian lifestyle. Even if you've never served, some of these might still make you laugh.
Military: "Oh, I see you have a tattoo, what is it? Why did you get it? How many tattoos do you have? Can I see them? I have 17 all over my body want to see?"
Civilian: *no one cares*
Military: *coworker randomly starts doing pushups/jumping jacks/a short calisthenics workout in the middle of the work space* "I'm doing this challenge where I do 20 push-ups every hour. The PRT is coming." (PRT = physical readiness test)
Civilian: no one ever randomly starts doing workouts in the workplace.
Military: Haze new members by sending them on pointless tasks that aren't accomplish-able. Having someone find the ID10t form, looking for a piece of flight line, etc.
Civilian: Show new person around and introduce them to their team members/coworkers and acquire the equipment they need to do their job and let them start working.
Military: "Hey, fucker! How was your night last night? Did you get fucked up? Man, I'm so tired, my old lady and I fuckin' all night long." *while walking to quarters*
Civilian: "Good morning." "Good morning." *work*
Military: Let's spend an entire day on "safety training" and waste an entire work day on mindless briefs that are common sense. Don't rape/sexually harass people, don't be racist/sexist/any-ists, use proper protective equipment to do your job, don't tell classified secrets, don't go to paycheck loan places for money, don't hit your significant other, use a condom, talk to someone if you're feeling sad.
Civilian: You're an adult, make good decisions. We'll even let you figure it out on your own.
Military: "Hooyah/Hoorah/Hooah/(whatever the Air Force says)!"
Military: *When talking to someone higher ranking than you* "Yes, Sir. No, Sir. Good idea, Sir. I'll get right on that, Ma'am."
Civilian: *When talking to your boss/manager* "Yeah, Steve. I'll get right on that."
Military: Let's gather in a large group and stand "at attention" for long periods of time so everyone can hear everything that doesn't apply to them and we can take a head-count to make sure everyone arrived to work and give everyone back problems at the same time! Also called "going to quarters."
Civilian: Where's Megan? Not sure, send her an email, she'll get back to you.
Military: *Junior enlisted person squinting hard at every single person in uniform that passes them to ensure that they salute officers*
Civilian: *wave a people you know*
Military: The CO/Admiral/Chief/Important Person is coming, time to field day! (Field day in the military means to deep clean every.single.thing.ever, this is almost always done by the lowest enlisted people and officers are almost always no where to be found during said field day, having "more important things to do" like nap.)
Civilian: My kid's have field day today so I'll be missing work. (Field day to mean participating in activities in a large field outside, in the sun, usually an all day event.)
Military: Announced at quarters: "Physical fitness is important so we will be running 6 miles tomorrow starting at 0600. Be there at 0545. Report to work at 0900." Half of the command shows up for the run, several are slightly intoxicated, the other half report to work because they couldn't hear the message at quarters.
Civilian: Your employer might give you a gym membership, but probably not. You're still gonna work all your hours and if you wanna work out you do that on your time.
Military: Let's wear the same thing every day and critique each individual that walks in the door on their appearance because they don't meet specific regulations that say we all have to look the same.
Civilian: Are my genitals covered? Check.
Military: If I ensure that my pants are tucked into my boots/bloused, I definitely will help better combat terrorism today.
Civilian: Who the hell tucks their pants into their shoes or blouses their pants? That looks so stupid.
Military: "Well, it's only 1230 and our safety briefs are complete and it's a holiday weekend. Looks like it's beer:30!"
Civilian: "But if I leave at lunch, I have to take time off... Nah, I'll just stay here and not go to the doctor. It's not big deal if my leg falls off, right?"
Military: "Went to medical for whatever this sickness is. They gave me 800mg of Motrin and told me to drink more water and get back to work. This is why our healthcare is free."
Civilian: "Went to the doctor for whatever this sickness is. They gave me an antibiotic and a sick note and told me to stay home for the rest of the week. It only cost me $500."
Military: "Hey, I'm gonna run to the head. If I see that fucker in the p-way I'm going to kick his ass. Want me to refill your water bottle at the scuttlebutt?"
Civilian: Goes to bathroom without telling anyone, doesn't threaten anyone, and refills their water bottle at the water fountain.
Military: "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but let's get BAH and call me baby." (BAH = housing money and a ticket to not live in barracks)
Civilian: *doesn't get extra money for being married/having kids*
Happy (long) Weekend!