Sunday, April 4, 2021

Is she back?

Based on my last 2 posts, one might thing, AWW YEAH, MEGAN IS BACK!!  But I'm not sure, to be honest.

When I stopped blogging in October, it was a relief in a way.  My life was an absolute shit storm: house selling, packing, moving, new job.  Blogging was another self-imposed requirement I'd put on myself and it wasn't serving me in the ways I needed it to.  And while many of those things have resolved, that still left me dealing with the shit storm that was ME.  My anxiety and my rage and my less appealing Megan-isms that cause me to struggle more than succeed... and it was time to work on some of that.

I've done a LOT of self-reflection and reading of self-actualization/help type of books.  Motivational women who seem to have gotten their shit together and that motivates me to get MY shit together.  I've known for quite a while that I don't always deal with things in the best ways and that mayyyybbbee I should get some therapy.  When a doc mentioned therapy the first time (back in 2017 when I asked for anxiety meds for my current life crisis (full-time work, full-time school, wedding planning, adjusting to new community/house)), I literally couldn't fit it in... and that's exactly how life continued for 3 more years.  In 2019 when I mentioned to my VA doc, "Maybe I should start therapy to deal with all this crap?"  She said, "That's not a bad idea."  Then we discussed it some and realized that trying to fit therapy into an already overly full schedule was NOT a good idea so it was put on the shelf to explore at a later time.

After surviving packing our entire house myself (let's call a spade, a spade, and give credit where credit is due, shall we?  yes, this is a rare occasion, someone please mark it somewhere), the house sell from hell, living in a temporary situation that would have been ideal under different circumstances (i.e. no spouses), buying a new house, and accepting that all of this change was MY FAULT but I was struggling to accept some things, it was time to deal with my shit.  I got set up with a VA doc in MD and, in addition to getting my hot flashes medication refilled AND filled by the VA (so no longer having to pay $$ each month for the meds), I asked to be set up with a therapist.  

That said, while I was relieved to not be blogging, I missed it.  SO MUCH.  I didn't have this outlet for all my shit.  I will share my ugly on FB, but I don't EXPLAIN my ugly on FB.  In this space, I explore the ugly.  I detail out all the tidbits that create the entire situation because this space is MINE and I do what I wawnt.  I missed sharing the silly shit that I said/thought.  I missed sharing the memes/internet things that made me laugh or touched me in my dark spaces.  

But I didn't miss the unknown audience.  I didn't miss the known audience and having to censor myself.  I didn't miss Teh German saying, "Just go bitch about it on your blog," when he'd piss me off beyond my overly tolerant limit.  (BTW, he realized the benefit to my blogging when we had to redo his green card photo requirements, so HA.)

It's a double-edged sword living the "transparent" life, I guess.

A few weeks ago, I got the itch to start doing Morning Pages (MP) again.  I did these during a class in college and didn't hate it, other than the getting up early part and that has been the biggest deterrent to doing them now.  I'm tired, yall.  So tired.  MP are essentially 3 hand written pages in a private journal that you write in each morning immediately after waking up.  No one should read them, even the writer, unless you've got some million dollar idea.  The purpose is essentially to clean the slate each day, to see your patterns and deal with your shit.  While I do need to deal with my shit, my itching was to WRITE to WRITE, not to clean the slate.  I'm fine with a messy slate, but in the 6 months that I've not used this space, I felt the pull to come back and share.

So I am going to share.  I'm going to share the ugly.  I'm going to share the dirty process of dealing with myself and my shit and my problems and hopefully the solutions.  Also, getting up 30 minutes early just isn't something I can currently force myself to do.  I force myself to do a LOT of things (that's another post for another day), but sleep is one of the things that doesn't usually go well for me, so interrupting it when is IS going well is not high on my list of things to do.  So maybe I won't do Morning Pages, but maybe I will start sharing my shitty-shit here.  

So don't expect this to be Weekend Reviews and Five on Fridays and Wednesday Rants or whatever the schedule used to be.  Expect this to be raw and not full of pictures.  Expect this to be what is weighing on my heart.  Expect this to be ugly and maybe sometimes spectacular.  I can't say that I don't want to share dog photos or funny memes, but I'm trying to focus on ME now.  Check my insta for the dogs and scroll through the internet for memes.  

1 comment:

  1. I'm intrigued by these morning pages. Although I feel like it's another one of those ideas that I love in theory but then would such at in practice. I'm glad that you're back & that it's an outlet for you. The way blogging used to be back when it all began!


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