Monday, April 12, 2021

Are you talking about me?

One of my very poignant memories of the time when my relationship with my mother was deteriorating was of me and someone sitting in a room having a discussion and my mom walked in and demanded, "Are you talking about me!?  I KNOW you're talking about me.  I'm here now, just say it to my face."

We had, in fact, NOT been talking about her, but when the person and I looked at each other like, WTF is happening and then back at Mom, who just stormed back out of the room, we definitely talked about it after she left.  Probably something like, "WTF just happened?" and then back to whatever it was that you talk about with a teenager (me).  I'm not sure if it was Teh Granny, Teh Sister, Teh HS BFF, or Ex-Fiance (whose physical presence in Mom's house was limited to about 3 months before he got into a disagreement with my Mom and she told him to leave and never come back (he only came as far as the driveway to pick me up if there was a particular reason I couldn't just drive myself to his house) because, "he disrespected me in my house" after she picked a fight with him that neither he nor I could ever comprehend).  In fact, this paranoia always bothered me.  

And recently.. I've been seeing it in myself.
There are few things that make me #selfrage more than embodying traits that I hate the absolute most.

What had happened was...
There was a discussion recently that someone hates me and I hadn't realize this individual felt this way.  Now, back in the day, IDGAF about someone hating me or disliking me or not preferring me.  I am, sometimes, very much, A LOT... or so I've been told.  And I didn't care that I had haters.  But recently, as the list of haters grows (my group of haters has almost more people than Phil's "fan" Club of people he'd peed on), my anxiety spiraled...  And like my anxiety tends to be, it was so fucking unnecessary.  

If Person1 hates me does that mean Person2 hates me too?
Why does Person1 even hate me?
Why do I care that Person1 hates me?
If I'm so obnoxious that Person1 hates me, does that mean ThisPerson or ThisPerson are barely tolerating me too?
If I'm so horrible, does that mean Teh German tolerates me?
Did this random change of plans occur because I was involved and someone else wanted to avoid me?

It's well-known that I escalate quickly, but even I knew that this spiral was illogical.  I admitted the situation to Teh Bestie who talked me down and reasoned with me about why would I care about Person1 hating me when they have plenty of traits that are unappealing, to the point that Person1 isn't actually someone I prefer to be around anyways, so why was I putting myself through this spiral?

I must have just needed someone else to talk some sense into me, since my own talking-down wasn't very effective.  I was able to move on from wondering WHY.. and then I had a different actualization.  This paranoia, it seemed familiar, and not in a good way... in a "Are you talking about me?  I know you're talking about me." way.  I was making things that were not about me in any way, about me.  I was causing myself undue drama.  I was making things apply to me, even if it was reach and things obviously had nothing to do with me (i.e. random change of plans).

When did I become this hyper-critical person who can't cheer on others and only tear them down (in my mind, not like out loud, because that would be definitely crossing the line).  When did I become this person that cares that someone trivial doesn't like me?  When I did I become the person who equated some asshole not liking me to my husband not liking me?  Is this an age thing?  Is this a learned behavior?  

And this hyper-critical-ness is not just bitchy Megan being twatty but funny at the same time (this Megan only gets shared with certain people who realize that sometimes I just need to offload this snark and that I'm not actually a completely horrible person who believes these asshole things I say).  This is my thoughts about someone who is super fit doing super hard things and me tearing them down in my head about what a show-off they are.  They aren't actually a show-off, it's part of the workout and the rest of us just can't do what this person can and they shouldn't do things they are capable of to reassure the rest of us who can't do the hard thing that they can do.  But I have to have this entire thought process in the middle of a workout because I'm struggling, so obviously I need to lash out.

How is this ok?
Why can't I STOP comparing myself with everyone else?
Why can't I just accept that some people are better at things than I am?
I don't struggle to accept that I'm better at some things than other people, so why wouldn't the opposite apply?
Why can't I always genuinely cheer on someone doing their hard thing?  Why must I automatically think, "But this, this, and this.. and I do it this way."

I literally hate people who do this.. and I'M NOW THE PERSON I HATE.

I just want to be better.

1 comment:

  1. When I finished university two people told me separately that they never liked me and were glad they never had to see me again. Two people who I genuinely thought were my friends, who never once gave any indication that they didn't want me around. A few years later, when I was working as an English language assistant, basically the entire group of other language assistants in the area told me they were sick of me "pretending to be nice", none of them liked me and I should just leave them alone. Again, I literally had NO idea that they all hated me so much and had just figured they were genuinely busy the times they told me they couldn't hang out. Long story to say that I constantly have those same thoughts about whether person x hates me and just doesn't want to tell me and I find it incredibly difficult to make friends because how am I supposed to tell whether anyone actually likes me, ever? At least you know your spiralling was illogical so you can work on changing it :-)


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