Five on Friday #190

EINS - Random Shit

-#ShareYourUgly:
As the end of the semester never comes, I find myself frequently feeling tired or exhausted.  Except those aren't actually the correct adjectives.

I am not actually tired and I'm not actually exhausted.
I'm rundown and I am weary.
I have started digging into the reserves to chug through this season that is dragging so slowly and the reserves constantly feel dangerously low.

I tire of feeling this way at the end of each semester and I long for the carefree days of no school and wonder why I continue to inflict myself with this choice and this struggle.  I tell myself that my struggle is for the greater good, that's there's only one more year left of this garbage struggle.  That if it wasn't this, it would be something else.

I tire of feeling like the last month of the semester, I am a burden on all My People because all I do is constantly bitch about school things or how "tired" I am.  I am weary from putting in so much of me for so long.  I remember my first undergrad experience and I never recall feeling this way.  I would feel overwhelmed from having too much to do, but I was never weary.  And generally, I was overwhelmed for self-inflicted (aka procrastination) reasons.  Yes, I feel overwhelmed, but I'm older and I can cope with that.  I manage my work tasks and my school tasks with as much efficiency and care as possible.

But for everything I do, I try to put forth my best.
And my best is draining.
My best is making me weary.

I find myself searching for the motivation to carry on, because I know I can and I know I will, but sometimes, I need to find my own encouragement and my own way to replenish the stores.

I need to determine where and when to step back and say, "This is good enough." 

My lack of perfection is not failure.

Ultimately, I am the source of my own weariness, in the same way I was the source of my feelings of being overwhelmed all those years ago.  Back then, I didn't prioritize time management as a way of mitigating my stress.  I didn't know.  I wasn't old and wise, like I am now.  But now, I do know.  Now I do not feel overwhelmed with ALL THE THINGS that need to get done.  Now, I feel overwhelmed by my inability to accept anything that is less than perfect from myself.  This is causing my own weariness and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to stop the cycle.

Last week, I talked about my spiral of negativity when I was feeling like a failure.  I talked about how I was able to come back from that on my own.  This feels deeper than that.  This is not a find awesome quotes on the internet and pep talk yourself back into the game (I mean, that might help, but it won't solve the problem this time).  This is a, you must endure this knowing you will endure this again.  You will prevail, but it will make you weary.  Weariness disguised as exhaustion and tiredness. 

-I skipped all my classes on Wednesday.  I hadn't planned on skipping German, but I was working on a project for my Cyber class and I was afraid that if I signed out of what I was doing I would be locked out.  So rather than potentially be locked out, I kept working through class.  THEN, after finishing the project that had been frustrating me for too many days, I said, FUCK THIS SHIT, and skipped the class.  The usual way the class goes when something is due is that students as questions and the instructor vaguely answers or implies that we should have known how to do that and then berates us for not spending enough time on it, blah blah blah.. and I didn't feel like being berated.  I just didn't.  My attendance in a class doesn't matter like a Cadet's attendance, so I'm not penalized for skipping, so I did.  It was one of my best decisions all week.  We'll say it was in the name of #SelfCare.

-Let me explain about this Cyber project.  We had to harden a system, which is probably jibberish to many Gentle Readers and that is ok.  We were given extremely old systems with default installs.  This would not be a problem, but I was working on a 2012 domain server with ZERO updates on it, and those are considered vulnerabilities and have to be corrected.  I spent hours on Monday downloading updates.  I spent the entire day on Tuesday, downloading updates.  When my afternoon class ended on Tuesday, I checked on the system (as I had been doing throughout the day), and this was the screen I got:

I almost lost my motherfucking mind.  I was prepared to just say fuck it if another attempt on Wednesday morning was unsuccessful.  I left work early on Wednesday to go to school to work on this stupid project that was due at 2:30 that day.  I worked on the system from 0915ish until noon, when I felt confident that I had done my best.  Magically, the updates had installed themselves overnight.  I had updated the firewall settings and changed passwords and changed account settings, and miraculously, when I finally restarted the system as the notification had prompted me to do an hour prior, I was still able to get into the system when it rebooted.  *all the praise hands emojis*

The worst part was asking Twin Dad about how to do these things, since it's his job at work to do these tasks and he was like, "Why don't you just do this simple solution that we use in the real world?"  EXACTLY!  EXXXXXXACTLY!!!!  Why don't we just do that?  Instead of jumping through hoop after hoop.  Because college is about doing it the most difficult way "for the sake of learning" and being overly frustrated at something that definitely should not be that fucking difficult.  That is how this entire class went the entire semester.  No wonder I'm so fucking weary.

*Update from the end of the week:
I was told on Thursday that the instructor had extended the deadline to Sunday and I went blind with rage.  Like literally, I couldn't see anything.  Apparently, he had told people what they needed to change in class and the 2 other people in the class with the same task as me were told that they didn't do what they needed to do, which ultimately meant that I didn't either. 
I just want this fucking class to be done with already.  More than any other class ever, including discrete math, which made me CRY multiple times.  Sad frustration is one thing.  Anger frustration is a different level.

-It's hockey playoff season!  Hockey playoffs and the end of the semester is really an unfortunate alignment of the stars.  This is for multiple reasons.
1.  I'd like to enjoy some playoff hockey, but, unfortunately, I still have homework to do.
2.  While trying to do homework when playoffs are on, I have to wear earplugs if Teh German is watching the game as his yelling is quite a disruption and distraction.

That said, we watched the Hurricanes vs Capitals last night and it was awesome.  Mostly the being on opposite sides.  Teh German is a LOT more vocal about when the puck gets near the net and he'll do a single cheer when his team scores.  I'm pretty quiet until we score and then I'm obnoxious.

Know who does not care for our hockey shenanigans?  This girl.

That's her "our bedtime was an hour ago and please stop yelling and let's go to bed" face.

-I'm strongly considering a tattoo before going to Germany if I can get an appointment.  I've been thinking about it for a long time, so I'm going to finally pull the trigger, hopefully.

-I asked our gym owner about suspending my gym membership while I'm in Germany for the study abroad.  I was told that they only suspended accounts for medical or military reasons.  After he said the part about medical reasons, I said, "Huh, too bad no one told me that 3 weeks ago."  He quickly looked away after I called him out on that.  So essentially, I can cancel and then when I come back I will have to pay the higher rate or I can just pay for the time that I'm not here and keep my lower rate.  Here's the thing, my lower rate is $70 a month.  It will prob be $80 when I come back.

But here's the other complicated part.  While I enjoy going to 9 Rounds, I do not get as much out of it as Teh German.  Ironically, the gym owner made sure to point out to me that Teh German has done 100 workouts at the gym since we joined in July 2018.  I'm probably at half of that, maybe a little more than half.  Because I have school AND I do the running thing, things Teh German does not do.

I just fear that if I stop going, Teh German will also stop going.  And also, I bought all the gear.  What am I going to do with it if I don't go?  But, NOT paying a gym membership for the next year appeals to me because I have such money guilt when I don't go and I know that my workload for school, at least, will increase over the next year.  If I didn't have a 9 Rounds membership, I would restart my city gym membership so I could go elliptical the shit out of an hour.  At $50 a year, I have ZERO guilt about not going.  IDK.  Decisions are hard.  Money decisions are infinitely more difficult.

-I have to confess that after asking for recommendations for legit laugh out loud funny book recommendations, I realized that either 1- I'm a book snob, or 2- my friends do not understand my reading tastes.  It's probably actually a mix of both.  I'm sure that the books my friends recommended are good books, but from reading the Goodreads reviews and summaries, 80% of the suggestions are books I wouldn't touch. 

Fun facts about Megan's reading preferences:
-I don't do zombies.  I don't care how much you care about the zombie apocalypse.  That shit seems stupid to me.
-I don't like to reread books unless I absolutely LURVED it the first time around.  Like, didn't stop talking about it for at least a month after reading it, loved.
-If a character is stupid or lacks the ability to make decisions or good decisions for the sake of character development, I will hate them and be annoyed for the entire book.  This is one of the pitfalls of Young Adult books that I barely tolerate.
-I can enjoy science fiction, but generally I prefer fantasy over sci-fi.

ZWEI - Money Shit

-Bojangles for breakfast.  Some people get coffee every day.  I get a gravy biscuit at least once a week.  #PickYourBattles
-On Wednesday morning, someone let me in the drive thru line in front of them (at Bojangles).  So I paid for their meal.  #GoodDeedOfTheDay
-$200 deposit for the beasts to get their teefs done while they are with their Other Momma.
-Groceries
-Page's Okra Grill dinner
-Laser appt
-Bagheera's taxes
-New carpet cleaner, which didn't actually hurt my heart since the old one was from 2013 and the water release trigger was broken so you ALWAYS had to use SUPER CLEAN ALL THE WATER mode.  I have Mr. Scrooge to thank for that....

DREI - From My Phone Shit

Got mah teefs did.
Well, my toof.
Half of my face is numb in this photo.

#CleanPlateClub after German food for lunch!

Spring has sprung..
I mean, it's been trying to kill me for over a month now, so I'm glad I finally have something to enjoy for my struggles.

:)

Teh Running Bestie needed a small container of applesauce for a recipe she made.
This was the smallest container I could find.
She only had to use like 1/2 a cup or something.
Since this applesauce is super runny.. I have been partaking of it randomly as a "sweet treat".
Please, feel bad for Teh German, who obviously lives with an unrefined heathen animal (singular, not plural, thus this does not imply Meri and Pax, who are actually Goats, not dogs.)

When your cereal is overly powdery and it makes you angry,
you sift out the powder and put the remaining crisps in a bowl.
#MeganProblems

My view.

My heart almost exploded when I spotted this cuteness.

If you look closely, you can see the tracks of the Laundry Fairy coming to visit!
(the hamper has wheels, so the wheel tracks = Laundry Fairy visit)

Is this a dog that looks guilty for making me clean carpets by hand, thus prompting me to replace our non-functional carpet cleaner?  NO, NO HE DOES NOT.
Should he?  1000% MOST DEFINITELY.

I'm pretty sure I made a typo, but the fact that Google suggested this translation was worth sharing since it made me lol.

VIER - From the Internet Shit

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

1. The end of that Cybersecurity class stupid project..  Just fucking kidding, everything we did was wrong and the deadline was extended and something that was supposed to be over still is not and actual violence looms on the horizon.
2. Fun rivalry.  Healthy competition.  Whatever you want to call it.
3. Classmates that understand my frustration/rage and professors who know that I just need to vent.
4. Coworkers willing to teach me things so I can actually attempt to do school things.
5. MyHomework.com feeding to my calendar and generally coordinating my life.
6. Losing track of what day it was on Monday and that confusion lasting throughout the week meant that Friday arrived sooner than expected, despite the first half of the week taking 84 years.
7. Extra sporks in my Bojangles bag.  
8. 1 no homework night after many days and nights of homework hell.
9. Changing the password for my Cybersecurity project to s0s0s00verthisshit.
10. Extra long hugs from Teh German since he knows I've been weary lately.

6 more homework/projects due + 5 final exams to take.
15 more days until Spring 2019 is completely finished.
21 days until I'm in Germany.
24 days until my language course starts.
Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.

Weekend Review {04/08}

THURSDAY

Thursday was like a marathon.  Anxiety had me up at 0430 and I wasn't going back to sleep, despite my best efforts, so I got up, did the laundry, took my shower, and headed to school early to accomplish school and work things.  I had class, then class again, then I sat down to do "one quick thing" to my code which ended up being more like an infinite amount of quick things, so I stopped to go down and grab my lunch from the car, which I ate, while coding because when the coding bug bites, you accept it and you code.

I had actually planned to take a nap because I knew it was going to be a long day, but it didn't happen.  I worked on stuff through lunch and then it was afternoon class, then I headed to work to change into running clothes and wait for Teh Running Bestie to meet me (yay!) so we could run the i5k.  

I thought the race started at 6, but it actually started at 6:30, so we had to stand around for a bit.  BUT there was a greyhound there, so we were pacified.  The race went fine.  We did a walk/jog, nothing overly strenuous.  I was surprised at how little I coughed, and glad.  Coast was giving out free beer, so that was cool if that's your thing.  After the race, I grabbed a free beer for Teh German, since there were canned beers there and technically, I had paid for it, even if I don't drink it, and then we left.  

I dropped Teh Running Bestie off at her car, called an order in at Willie Jewells, picked up the order, and went straight home.  Since it was a little after 8pm when I got home, I didn't even bother bringing in all my shit, just the food.  We immediately ate dinner, then I took care of my shit.  Laundry, taking off my bra, putting shit away, gathering shit for the next day, and finally sitting down to finish my code stuff and letting it run overnight, and finally going to bed.

For real, when I rolled over in the bed, I don't remember closing my eyes.. that's how quickly I fell asleep.. and that's never how it works for me.  I didn't wake up once all night and it was a fucking delight.  I'm not sure the last time that's happened.

FRIDAY

Because there was no class on Friday, it was a work only day.  I went into the office kinda early since I had a laser appointment at 0900.  After my laser appointment, I went to the Chiro.  Since it was pouring buckets outside when I was trying to leave the Chiro's office, I talked him into escorting me to my car with an umbrella since "we're in an unsafe neighborhood" (which isn't actually untrue, lol).  He was a good sport and made sure I was mostly dry all the way to the car.  Then I went back to work for several hours until it was finally time to go home.

Olive-Walive is a boss at using a pillow.

Teh Running Bestie, Teh PT Wife, and I headed to the Bridge Run Expo around 4:30ish.  We picked up our race packets, perused the tables, then it was dinner time.  We decided on Page's Okra Grill, which was a risk since there is always a wait.  Fortunately, for a party of 3, it was only a 15 minute wait, and Teh PT Wife was able to handle that.

Chicken livers, cornbread, sweet potatoes, hushpuppies, and some pinto bean corn "salsa".

I know our server was slammed with tables, but we didn't have silverware when our food was delivered and I had asked for a water and didn't receive it until I was halfway done with my meal... after I'd had to go up to the server station to ask for silverware.  Yeah, that wasn't my favorite thing.  We did see the dude after the race on Saturday, but didn't say anything to him.  I think Teh PT Wife and I were both surprised to see him out of the 30,000 people there.. and we lost Teh Running Bestie.. we happen upon our server from dinner the night before.  The world works in mysterious ways.

After dinner, we headed back home.  Teh PT Wife loves me and sent Teh German and Teh Chief Smartass home.  I was exhausted and wanted to go to bed and I knew if they came home after I was already in the bed, that would wake me up and I wouldn't have been able to go back to sleep and then I would be EXTRA stabby.

It didn't take long for it to be bedtime since we had an early start the next day.

SATURDAY

When the alarm went off at 0530, I was legitimately confused.  I quickly determined it wasn't a school day, but could NOT remember why the alarm was going off.  It took a solid 20 seconds to remember it was Bridge Run day.

We were on the road by 0615, headed to the Coliseum to catch a bus to the start line.  We did a car go the opposite way of bus traffic and I was in such a bitchy mood, I really wanted that person to get hit by a bus.  Based on our general disgruntlement throughout the weekend, I'd say that all 3 of us, myself, Teh PT Wife, and Teh Running Bestie were PMSing.  It was rough.

I tried to take a nap on the bus ride, but the radio was BLARING and then it was static once we got into Mount Pleasant, which was better to me than my ear drums busting since it kinda sounded like the brown noise I listen to while I sleep.  We got to the start area and then decided to jump into the furthest forward corral we could sneak into.  I was in D corral, but Teh Running Bestie and Teh PT Wife were further back and I didn't want to be waiting over an hour to start the race.  A nazi was bib checking every.single.person (as she should) that went into D and E corrals, but the oblivious dude at F corral wasn't really paying attention so we snuck in.  Then some twatty bitch made some comments when I decided to stop moving and stand in the space that was in front of them.  Yes, it was tight, but there's 30,000 people here bitch, STFU.  I'm not touching you, breathing on you, or otherwise harming you.  Get over it (which is ironically, also the motto for the Bridge Run, so HA!).

Teh PT Wife and I ended up going on ahead of Teh Running Bestie.  This wasn't ideal since we ended up almost not being able to find her at the finish line because fucking chaos.  When we went into Marion Square, where the post-race stuff was happening, there was ZERO cell phone coverage, so we had to move out into the streets to be able to text her and her location wasn't updating.  UGH.

Wut bridge?

We finally managed to get text messages through and met at the Krispy Kreme bus.  We had grabbed water and a banana for Teh Running Bestie, but she hadn't gotten our texts in time and already had to fight the masses to get water, which always makes us stabby.  Throughout the race, I had been telling Teh PT Wife that I was annoyed with the weaving between people we were having to do.  Then we got to the finish line and there was no water and we had to discover a new area of the map to find the water (you're welcome for that gamer reference).  Here's the thing.. when participants have to ask each other where to find food/water after a race, YOUR RACE IS BAD.

And so.. I have come to a conclusion.
2020 will be my final year running the bridge run.  I'm over the crowds, I'm over the hassle it is with Teh German to get my car downtown the night before the race, I'm over the fact that the day before it usually rains, making getting downtown even more tedious, I'm over shuttling to the start, I'm over the extra 2 miles added on to the length of the race to get to the start line and to get to the car.

Why 2020?  Because I can't do 4 years of a run.  I need an "even" number to finish on.  And because Teh PT Kid told his mom that he would like to run the Bridge.

So after finally getting to the car in the parking garage, we headed to Early Bird Diner for post-race brunch with Teh German and Teh Chief Smartass.  I had called them when we got to the downtown portion of the race so they could head there and kickstart the wait time for us.  #SorryNotSorry.

I was super pumped to see the Oatmeal Cream Pie ice cream on the dessert menu and super disappointed when it didn't live up to my remembered expectations.  There was no talking during eating time, so that meant we were all huuuungry.  After brunch, we picked up Willow from the Coliseum, then we headed home.

I set up taco soup in the crockpot for dinner then piddled around the house doing random shit and finally showering.  I had debated taking a nap, I felt good, so I wasn't sure if I needed one, but ultimately ended up napping.  It didn't hurt my feelings.  When I got up, I shredded the chicken for the soup, then it was dinner time.

After dinner, I worked on a Cricut projects and Teh PT Fam came over to visit.  Eventually, it was late so Teh PT Fam left and soon after, it was bedtime.

SUNDAY

I wanted a late start on Sunday morning, but couldn't manage to sleep in once the beasts had been released, so I just got up and started working on homework.  It rained in the AM, but we still actually went through with our plans to take the beasts on a walk at Riverfront Park (where the i5k was). 

I had managed to clip Pax's nails before we left, without help, which was nice.. and I got a few of Meri's before I quicked her and she started bleeding like a stuck pig all over the couch, which set off Teh German, which set off Meri.. and I'm trying to hold her bloody foot.  It was as lovely as you can imagine.  Even with her anxiety meds and being exhausted from the park walk, she was NOT having more of my shit.  Teh Running Bestie tried to dremel her remaining paw and neither of us had ever been so scared that Meri was going to bite one of us, so we gave up.

Also, I do not have Mom Guilt because all of Meri's nails are black, which makes it extra difficult NOT to quick the dogs.  "Quick"ing is when you cut too short and the nail bleeds.  It doesn't last long, and it's equivalent to ripping off a hangnail for humans, but Meri does NOT like her feet to be messed with, thus why it is such a momentous event when nails get cut.

Back to the park though, we sent the beasts with Teh Running Bestie, who was going back home, so Teh German and I could accomplish the week's grocery store run.  We stopped at Sam's, Lidl, and then Walmart, unfortunately.  I had been hoping it was only a 2 store week, but I was not so lucky.  But it's fine because we were able to get all the stuff on the list instead of pushing it off... again.

When we got home, I put away groceries and then Teh German and I started working on German dinner: Hähnchenschnitzel (chicken schnitzel), käsespatzle (like mac and cheese), und Rotkuhl (red cabbage).  We started on dinner no later than 6 and we didn't eat until almost 8:30.  UGH.  But it was sooooo worth it.  This was the best time that we've done German dinner, Teh German and I agreed.

Front to back:
Rotkuhl, jaeger/mushroom gravy, Käsespatzle, Schnitzel

There was also "jaeger" gravy, but it didn't really come out right..
but the flavor was fine.. so I used it as a dipping sauce, lol.

After cleaning up dinner, it was bedtime.

______________________________________________

Sadly, Teh Running Bestie left on Monday morning.  That's always the worst, when she leaves me.  Even though we know we'll see each other again in June, I'm unbearably jealous that Teh German will get to see her in May when he goes to MD for the GEGR picnic, so before me.  I know, I know, I'll be in Germany doing awesome things.. but principle people!

Overall, a very good weekend.  I didn't get much done in the way of homework, which makes for a stressful week... Which can be determined from this post going live on a Wednesday afternoon...

Monday, I had a filling put on my broken tooth.  I have irrational dentist anxiety, but I managed.  The dentist said if the filling doesn't do the trick (eliminating the pain) or doesn't stay attached (since the break was at such a severe angle), a root canal is next. 

This is literally what my brain did when the dentist said that:

So this fucking filling better stay on.  That said, the lack of pain has been startling.  I didn't realize just how much it hurt.  Also, I no longer have to clean the tooth out with my finger when I'm done eating since it would trap food.  I'm sure that is Teh German's favorite thing about my filling, no more watching me pick food out of my teeth after we eat.  That said, it is very much a habit now, after several years of doing it...

Monday night, I thought it was Tuesday night and I was extremely disappointed that the week was already dragging and it was only Monday.

Finally, Teh Running Bestie and the Disney Hercules Facebook account peer pressured me into starting to play Disney Emoji Blitz.  I haven't decided if I will continue to play it long term because I have a very hard time not playing it at the wrong times and being grouchy while I am playing it if someone messes with me and causes me to score low.  Yes, I know, #MeganProblems.

2 MORE WEEKS OF CLASS.
I can literally drag myself through this.
I run half marathons.
I can survive 2 weeks of end-of-semester-itis.
For real though, wish me luck.  The struggle is real.

Five on Friday #189

EINS - Random Shit

-PLANE TICKETS ARE PURCHASED!!!!!!!
I fly from Charleston to Düsseldorf at the beginning of May for my class.  I will stay with Auntie P for the weekend and then I'll go to school and stay where ever my accommodations are.
Teh German has an eventful end of May where he drives up to MD for the Greyhound picnic, leaving Willow, Pax, and Meri with Teh Running Bestie and flies back to Charleston.  After working for another week, he will then fly from Charleston to Düsseldorf as well at the very end of the month.

Teh German and I will spend some time with NW German family and friends until we head down to the south for more family and friend time.  During the first week of June, we will head to Italy where we will spend a few days in Venice, Florence, and finally Rome.  We will fly from Rome to Baltimore around mid-June to pick up Willow, Pax, and Meri from Teh Running Bestie and finally return to Charleston.

I do not have the Italy stuff quite worked out yet, because I'm waiting on our itinerary for family time to be dictated announced by Papa G.  Once I have that information, I can work out dates/adventures for Italy.

Gentle Readers, I'm like 10 "Disney excited" gifs worth of excited right now.  I will spare you, but I do want you to imagine all that.

-I registered for Fall 2019 classes.  MY LAST FALL SEMESTER.  🙌🙌🙌🙌
I was super pissed off when my advisor pointed out that I have to take another computer science class for my Cybersecurity minor.  Like suuuuper pissed, because the only reason I signed up for that stupid minor was because it was "only ONE extra class" for computer science majors.  One extra class that will count as an elective anyways?  Ok, fine.  No.  It's TWO.  And that would be trivial, but I have one year left and my time is minimal.. ANNNDD I recently signed up to do a minor in German since I had the time in my schedule.

So now, I have a feeling I'll end up not being able to get my German minor (which really isn't that big of a deal, except I was kinda excited about it because I actually enjoy German) because to get it would mean I would have to take 6 classes during the fall semester.  I have maintained taking 5 classes per semester since I started (with the exception of semesters I've taken a science with a lab).  The reality is, the classes I've got during the fall semester are pretty difficult computer science courses.  So to have difficult classes AND an extra class on top of that (the class required for the German minor) doesn't really inspire confidence.

The reality is, neither minor will help or hurt me in the long run.  As Teh German pointed out, I will be getting my certificate from the Goethe Institute for my German accomplishments anyways, which will mean more than a minor.  Buttt, I was excited for my super huge diploma to state that I obtained a bachelor of science in computer science with minors in cybersecurity and German.  Some people double major and get a minor.  I'd do a single major with 2 minors.  It's a thing.... but for real, those weirdos who double major in computer science AND math?  GTFO with that shit.  More than once I've said it to their faces.

-I have a long lunch break between my morning and afternoon classes where I do work things.  Both Monday and Tuesday I gave up and napped for 20ish minutes.  Wednesday I fell asleep during my afternoon class.  Because I was up at 0430 on Thursday morning (hello, anxiety) I just went ahead and took a nap during my break so I could make my own decisions. Whatever my mysterious sickness is, it is lingering and I'm over it.

-Testing while in a debilitated-sick-medicated state is WHERE IT IS AT.  For real.  I took 3 tests over Thursday and Friday and I did amazing on all of them.  Better than I've ever done in one class.  Although, I did make some very obvious stupid mistakes on one of the tests, I still made a 93 on the test, so I'm not even mad.  Also, on the networks test.. I realized I hadn't done one of the assigned homework questions because I had intended to ask for help, but then I got sick and I just submitted it as is without realizing I hadn't finished it.  There was an extra credit question on that ONE question.  I got it right.  That also made up for the stupid mistakes.  #Balance

-My rescheduled TSA Pre-Check appointment was Monday at 9:50.  I was there 10 minute early, in the hopes that they were running ahead of schedule (like the ignorant dreamer I am)...  Gentle Readers.. it was 10:27 when a voice called out my name from somewhere in the building.  I shit you not.  There were no signs and no one was around the corner when I came through the doorway.  I wasn't sure where to go and I didn't want to be in some unauthorized area so I finally said, "I don't know where you are."  The response.... "In here."  Bitch.Please.  Me: "Where is here?"  Person: "The room."  Not the room on the left or the right.. just the room.  Fortunately, I'm moderately intelligent and I figured out that the room was the area with the door, not the area that went back into the depths of the office.  But seriously.. how about a sign?  how about you get off your ass?

Then, the entire process took 3 minutes.. and it only took that long because that Twatalotamus didn't tell me I should keep my fingers on the pad for the entire time, not just until the beep during fingerprints.  She checked my passport, took my photo (it was super easy to keep a neutral expression since I was already wearing my pissed off face), took my fingerprints, and took my money.  That was it.  THE END.  I've wasted almost 2 hours of my life for 3 fucking minutes?  I was ready to stab someone when I walked out of there.  Mostly because I had to wait 25 minutes for my appointment that only took THREE MINUTES.  That means that other appointments only took THREE MINUTES too.  WTF?  I 100% left them a shitty review on Yelp the first time I was there and the office was closed during business hours.  I sure as shit did NOT update it after my actual appointment took place because I was still enraged.  The receptionist was super nice, IF you had an appointment.  Otherwise, that place can DIAF.

I better save a LOT of time in security over the next 5 years after wasting so much time of my life trying to get Pre-Check.

-My end of semester -itis has started and it's just soo poorly timed.  Like, could I have gotten through another week or so?  Because NOW seems to be the time that my professors want to assign the high value tasks, rather than, idk, in the last 2.5 months of the semester that just passed?  UGH.  And I have all these tasks that require doing since they are high value and I have ZERO motivation to do them.  Also, one of my professors has told me to take my time making up the missed assignments from when I was sick and like... if I just don't do it.. what then?  JK, I could never actually do that.  I always do all my assignments.  Even if it's halfassed.

-In putting my classes on my calendar, I realized that the fall semester starts at the VERY end of August!  This is super exciting for me since it means that I'll actually get almost the entire month of August off of school... to just work.. and be "normal"...  I'm already having anxiety thinking about it.

-I discovered this week that you can use Audible credits to GIVE AUDIOBOOKS at gifts.  I know I have 2 unused credits and I've got 2 audiobooks on deck to listen to, one of which is 50-something hours?  IDK, it's long.  So I actually went to the Audible website to cancel my membership, but I ended up not cancelling.

-I wanted to love Becoming by Michelle Obama.. but Jesus Christ at the 75% point I got so depressed I almost had to stop listening.  I finished it, but the last 3-4 hours were painful.

-I have several hard copy books I purchased over the last few months and want to read.  I'm thinking they might be good for my Germany trip.

Specifically, these books, excluding the bottom 2 computer science textbooks, obvs
(well, that one in Chinese may not be quite so "obvs").

-Anything I can fit into the UV sanitizer box, goes into the sanitizer box.  I put all my school pens/pencil into the box, my mouse, my phone... I did do my tablet, but not Teh German's.  I really need to find a better home for the box, as it's currently sitting on top of the printer, which is fairly ghetto, buttt, it has a short cord and it needs to be plugged in, so options are limited at this time.

-Willow needs to go in for service before I leave for Germany since Teh German will be driving her up to MD with the dogs while I'm gone.  This means scheduling the service at the dealership since I also need them to take care of the gas estimator recall situation.  If it wasn't for fixing the recall, I'd just take Willow to Walmart for an oil change since it's cheaper.  I always manage to get off the maintenance schedule, usually I get it done earlier than it should be done, and it bothers me, so I'm trying to get back on the schedule.  And technically, my next oil change should be 12,000 miles and I'm currently at 10507 or something.  IDK.  Willow is currently in the 10k range.

While I do drive a LOT of miles to and from school each day + to work + other trips, I won't manage to get to 12k miles before I leave for Germany.  Le siiiiigh.

-This week was the start of my end of semester breakdown.  I spent HOURS looking at code getting nowhere with it.  Starting over on it 3 times.  That's the equivalent of writing half a research paper and deleting it.. x3.  I was extremely frustrated and disappointed in myself and it was a super downward spiral that went something like this...

So many people do coding/computer science things.  Why can't you do this?  This should be "simple", per the assignment, instructor, and other classmates.  What are you missing?  Why are you even going for a computer science degree if you can't even do simple Java coding?  Why should you get a computer science degree if you can't recognize this black hole in the hosts file?  Why do you have to Google everything?  Why don't you know what rules the firewall should have?  How do you not have command-line commands memorized?  Why can't you understand simple concepts that the professor is literally showing to you.  You can't always just get answers from people when you don't know, you have to LEARN these things.  But how am I supposed to learn if no one shows/teaches me?  HOWWWW???  WHHHYYY??  Are you sure you should even finish this?  Why did you even start this to begin with?  Are you even going to use this?  Do you hate it?  You should hate it because you're not good at it.  You're not good at it.  You're not good enough.  You're not enough.  You will fail. 

It was crippling on Wednesday night.  I slept for shit.  And then I remembered my Algorithms professor's lecture on Tuesday about how someone created and coded a brand new algorithm in the 70s because they forgot their notes for the lecture they were giving, so they just created a new one in the limited time before their presentation.  The professor joked that he wished he was that smart.  At some point it hit me.  I'm confident that my professor and I are the same age, if he's not actually a few years younger than me.  He has through a doctorate degree in computer science-y things.  So while he wishes he could create algorithms from scratch, I just want to be able to code in Java without feeling like my brain is turning inside out. 

And with that, I realized a few things:
1. I am trying my absolute hardest to do the best that I can without dropping all the things I'm carrying while still maintaining my non-school, non-work life.
2. Coding is HARD.  NOT EVERYONE can do it.  Yes, a lot of people that IIIII know can do it, but a lot of people that I know also don't know the difference between their, there, and they're or they can't do something else that I am good at (that I can't currently come up with an example of because I'm me).
2.5.  I'm not interested in being a software developer.  I'd much rather work in HTML and design web pages and shit like that.  I'm about making pretty things, in a nerdy way.  OMG, did I just subconsciously admit that I'm getting a computer science degree so I can give my blog a facelift myself instead of paying someone else to do it?  Because.... that's not totally untrue.
3. Data algorithms is one of the hardest classes in the computer science curriculum.  In fact, I've already failed this class once before!  We're almost at the end of the semester and I'm maintaining a B average.

And now I'm going to tie this back to something random.
In Becoming, Michelle Obama was talking about the election night when President Obama was reelected and how she was in her room getting ready for the evening, before the poll results had started to come in.  She texted someone about the current election reports and never got a response back and she essentially had a downward spiral that Barak was going to lose because she didn't hear back from that person and she thought they were just trying to save her from bad news.. and no one else was coming to her, so she just had a bad feeling, then Barak came into her room a little while later and he was super happy and excited and Michelle was confused because she thought he was losing the election.. when instead, her BlackBerry glitched and she didn't have service.  In fact, her text hadn't even been sent.  She got into her own head with her own negativity and had a downward spiral and Jesus H Roosevelt Christ if that's not me to a T.. 

Just so ya know... I'm not asking for "you can do it's!", I'm just letting my brain flow out into this space.  I'm sharing my struggles with you because it's real.  It's consuming.  And I know I'm not the only one who has these moments and downward spirals.  So I'm reaching out to tell you you're not alone and I'm also comforting myself with the fact that I know I'm not alone.  I know I'm being harder on myself than I deserve.  I know that I will be successful, even if it is painful.  I know that I will have a HUGEEEE diploma frame in the office next year with my Citadel diploma on it and it will say that I graduated with a bachelor of science degree in computer science with a minor in cybersecurity (and maybe German, who knows).  I will have achieved that.  I will achieve that while getting (and staying, tyvm) married, while working full time, while maintaining a pretty full running schedule, while being a dog mom, while getting shit the fuck done.

But first.. I have to be dramatic about it.
I'm allowed that.
I allow myself that.

And..
I AM ALWAYS ENOUGH.
ALWAYS.
I AM ENOUGH.
I AM ENOUGH.
I AM ENOUGH.

....thank you for coming to my TED talk.

ZWEI - Money Shit

-Plane tickets
-Chickfila for Tuesday lunch
-Mucus Relief cough syrup from Walmart.  That shit is magical.  We have 4 bottles in our house because they changed the name and the ingredients a little and I had to stock up.  #NotSorry
-Groceries
-TSA Pre-Check
-Chegg, but I cancelled it.
-Audible credit.  I really should pause my subscription.
-Wednesday afternoon "stay awake" snack and sweet tea.
-Bojangles for Thursday breakfast after waking up at 0430.


-I have a bra I've needed to return to Victoria's Secret in my car for the last month.  I really need to take care of that.

DREI - From My Phone Shit

I made sausage gravy from scratch!
It was actually SUPER delicious.
I made it a bit too thick, but that's easy to fix!
Biscuits were frozen.  #NotSorry

When is the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.

I really should get back into taking photos of things.  But really, being baseline function is taking all my effort right now.  Sooo maybe next week will be better?

VIER - From the Internet Shit

Take heart.
Breathe deep.
You are further along than you think.
-MHN

The same light you see in others is shining within you, too. - MHN

If there are days where you feel your body is too tired to fill the room with laughter and good stories in the way your heart wants to, it is ok to not be all you feel you have to be, and to focus on breathing and being, knowing that even when you are quiter and your smile comes a little slower you are not empty, you are not not any less significant.  You are a traveler on a journey who is simply in need of rest in the arms of the kind of peace where she is free to just be. -MHN

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

1. Less than one month left of the semester.  Actually 13 days, at the time of posting this.  That is equally terrifying and exciting... because I'm over this shit, but also not looking forward to all the end of semester assignments my professors want to sling at me in the 9th hour.
2. Surviving this week.  
3. "White sauce week".  I made biscuits and gravy and alfredo this week.
4. Getting through the only races I have on my calendar for the indeterminate future.
5. Homework being due at 11:59pm.
6. Getting laundry accomplished before company arrived.
7. My UV sanitizing box.  It makes me feel less.. germy.
8. Selecting a 14 hour audiobook as my next listen.  The subsequent book will be either 25 or 55 hours.. so I mean.  I'm just putting off the inevitable.  That said, I'm in the market for FUNNY books to listen to, so I'm open for suggestions.
9. Being strong enough to step out of my downward spiral.  There were times when I would crash to the bottom before having to reach out for reassurance and help getting back up.  Being your own cheerleader is a funny thing.  Also, Teh German's unknowing (to my problems) hugs help. 
10. 
    

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.

Weekend Review {04/01}

FRIDAY

My goal Friday was to have a "normal" day, butttt it just wasn't in the books.  The hydrocodone cough syrup I got gives me intense headaches behind my eyes and in my sinuses, as if I didn't already have enough going on with being allergic to every.fucking.thing ever.. so that was a fun Friday morning situation I had to get through.  I teleworked for a bit, and then I headed to school. 

Because of the headache, I didn't make it to campus in time to take my engineering test first, so instead, I took my German test first, then went to German class and did my final presentation during class, then after class headed to Academic Support to take my engineering test.  Turns out, being in a semi-out of it/medicated state reallyyyyy helps me test.  Despite feeling like I did very poor (for me) on my German test, I made a 99.  My German teacher delivered it with a semi-reproachful look, then laughed at me when I told her that I had warned her it wouldn't be good, then I flipped it over to a 99.  She's like, this state of mind is working for you. 

I kept that ball rolling through the engineering exam, which only took me a very alarming 25 minutes.  Those tests usually take me a full 75 minutes, sooooo thanks medicated brain!  After the tests, I headed home and teleworked some more.  When work things were done, I headed to the couch for Meri snuggles and book time and to wait on Teh German to come home.

When he finally came home, we agreed to go out for dinner since I felt up to it.  We agreed on Charleston Burger Company since we hadn't been there and it'd been on my list for a while.  It was good, but it wasn't drive all the way there good.  Also, there was a millionty year wait since they had so many take out orders they were working on.. and they forgot to put the egg on my burger and later delivered it, SWIMMING in grease for me to put on my burger.  Uhhhh wut?  After draining the egg of the grease and dabbing it like greasy pizza (no shit, I legit did this because ingesting that grease would have 100% put me in the bathroom within 20 minutes of consuming it, guaranteed), I managed to get the egg on my burger and all over me and my plate.. It was a disaster, of course.  Teh German's burger was equally messy, so I didn't feel bad.

After dinner, we headed home and watched Modern Family until bedtime.

SATURDAY

Saturday morning, I finally completed my goal of getting up with the beasts.  I felt super productive!  Then I went back to bed and read for a little while.. and then I ended up taking a multi-hour nap.  When I woke up again at 11:30, I got up and Teh German said he wanted to be productive and pick weeds from the front yard.  I wasn't overly interested in that, but I also know that #BestWifeEver points are made by doing shit I don't necessarily like doing. 

The dogs were being annoying AF, so I got motivated and opted to take them on a short loop, because I don't really have the endurance to do the long loop and still manage to have energy to do other things after.  When I got back home, I scooped poop, and then dug up these 2 grassy plants Teh Gardener planted last year and put them by the HVAC drain in the side yard, hoping they will soak up some of the water that drains there and makes the yard a disaster (since we had to remove the drainage pipes after the HVAC disasters from last year, even though they were definitely NOT the problem).  I also relocated some other plants, then I sat down and dug up weeds from the flower bed for half of my life.  About 3/5 of the way through, I realized that I regretted my decision.  I was exhausted and you can tell the point where I stopped caring.  It looks better than it did, but there's a side that is NOT as good as the other and IDGAF.

Teh German could tell that I was tired and we had talked about riding out for dinner.  After pulling the weeds, he had washed Suzi and Bagheera, which was MUCH needed.  Also, I have ZERO idea where his motivation to pull all these damn weeds comes from.  I'm wondering if he doesn't realize that weed and seed mix exists for a reason.  Truly, it baffles me how often Teh German commits to pulling weeds.  He tricked me into that shit TWICE for the backyard and I told him NO FUCKING MORE of that shit.  It was miserable, it never helped, and I'm too fucking old for that mess.  Our backyard will always look like asshole because it doesn't get a lot of sun for growing grass and the dogs excessively "aerate" it with their zoomies.  Also, one side doesn't really get sun at all and it's either moldy or super dry.. and I don't care.  The backyard is 90% for dogs pooping.. and 10% for us sitting outside in the pergola or at the firepit.. which Pax likes to use as a centering ring for his poops.  So I mean, really, why bother?

I went inside and showered and told Teh German I needed to lay down for a short bit before I could go anywhere.  He knew that however I felt would determine if we got to ride the bikes or not, so when it was for more than "a few" minutes, he didn't rouse me.  45 minutes later, I went downstairs with my riding boots on and we picked a place for dinner called Mainland Container Co in Mount Pleasant.  I saw they had truffle tater tots and that was all I needed to sell Teh German on the idea.

When we arrived, we sat at the bar.  I could tell it was kind of a "locals" place since people at the bar knew the name of the bartender.  We ordered hushpuppies as an appetizer and placed an order for a caprice chicken sandwich (Teh German) and a shrimp platter (me, and I'd told Teh German I'd share since I doubted I could eat a full "platter").  The hushpuppies were delicious in honey, the other dips were too spicy for me to endure with my raw throat.  When our food came.. I was extremely disappointed in the $19 "platter" with ~10 "jumbo" shrimp on it.  Granted, they were touted as local, jumbo shrimp, but calling something a platter would insinuate that there are an abundance of shrimps...  I gave Teh German one shrimp and said, sorry that is all I'm sharing since there's not really much here.  The slaw was ok, but difficult to eat since it was super long strands of cabbage.. and the truffle tater tots were everything I'd imagined they would be.

This place was SUPER dog friendly, with a special dog section of the menu.

After dinner, we headed back home.  After releasing the beasts, we headed over to Teh PT House for socializing.  Around 10:30, I finally semi-forced Teh German into going home since our hosts were exhausted and he hadn't actually been smoking the cigar he'd been holding for a solid 15 minutes.  When we got home, it was bedtime.

SUNDAY

Sunday morning was a slow start thanks to 2 benedryl + hydrocodone.  I was surprised Meri let us sleep for as long as she did, until 10.  I got up with the beasts and rediscovered we were out of milk for cereal.  I went back upstairs and told Teh German of my bad news.  We agreed to grab something nearby for breakfast and make a store trip for essentials and a baby gift for a shower I was going to later.

We went to Waffle House near base, which was SUPER busy, like all Waffle Houses around here.  It's always weird to me.  Then we headed to Walmart Market to pick up milk and diapers and other shit.  I hadn't created the menu for the week yet, which means we will have to make another store run, but now we won't starve... aka we have cereal and milk.

When we got home, I laid down for a nap since I was driving to the shower, which was almost an hour away.  Teh NY Chef rode with me.  We talked to Teh Dad on the way since he called.  At the baby shower, we watched baby momma open gifts and cooed over the baby.

Around 5:30, we headed back towards home.  When I got home, Teh German suggested frozen pizza for dinner and I agreed.  We watched The Crimes of Grindlewald or whatever.  After, I talked to Teh Running Bestie for a bit and then it was bedtime.

______________________________________________

It was nice to be functional again.  Even if it took many naps.  Today is my first day back to my "normal" schedule, so we'll see how it goes.  I did tell Teh German that the gym was optional for me today since I didn't want to overdo it and he agreed.

I made up all my missed tests on Friday, which means that this week I just have to focus on getting homework finished up.  Today is also the first day of class registration, but I didn't go to my advisor so I'm not cleared to register for classes.. even though I kinda did when I pointed out a schedule conflict between 2 required classes that I needed...  Oh well.  I'll go talk to my advisor today and tell him my plan and he'll release the hold and I'll register and it will be done.  Whatevs.

Fun news, my scholarship check arrived on Saturday and I deposited that bitch quick before anyone could change their minds.  We were all confused about why it was for $5998 instead of the $6052, but whatever, close enough.

I really need to determine our final European adventures so we can purchase tickets and plan and things, but decisions are hard.. and having zero limits is even more difficult for me.  #MeganProblems #FirstWorldProblems, I know, I know.

This week includes:
-lots of homework for Data Algorithms and Cybersecurity and German classes
-i5k, The Bridge Run (both of which will be an interesting challenge since I'm in a diminished state)
-Teh Running Bestie and Gang will be arriving Thurs!


Happy April, Gentle Readers.
My flight to Germany appeared on my calendar this morning and I was shocked.  ONE MONTH TILL GERMANY!!!!