Friday, April 12, 2019

Five on Friday #190

EINS - Random Shit

As the end of the semester never comes, I find myself frequently feeling tired or exhausted.  Except those aren't actually the correct adjectives.

I am not actually tired and I'm not actually exhausted.
I'm rundown and I am weary.
I have started digging into the reserves to chug through this season that is dragging so slowly and the reserves constantly feel dangerously low.

I tire of feeling this way at the end of each semester and I long for the carefree days of no school and wonder why I continue to inflict myself with this choice and this struggle.  I tell myself that my struggle is for the greater good, that's there's only one more year left of this garbage struggle.  That if it wasn't this, it would be something else.

I tire of feeling like the last month of the semester, I am a burden on all My People because all I do is constantly bitch about school things or how "tired" I am.  I am weary from putting in so much of me for so long.  I remember my first undergrad experience and I never recall feeling this way.  I would feel overwhelmed from having too much to do, but I was never weary.  And generally, I was overwhelmed for self-inflicted (aka procrastination) reasons.  Yes, I feel overwhelmed, but I'm older and I can cope with that.  I manage my work tasks and my school tasks with as much efficiency and care as possible.

But for everything I do, I try to put forth my best.
And my best is draining.
My best is making me weary.

I find myself searching for the motivation to carry on, because I know I can and I know I will, but sometimes, I need to find my own encouragement and my own way to replenish the stores.

I need to determine where and when to step back and say, "This is good enough." 

My lack of perfection is not failure.

Ultimately, I am the source of my own weariness, in the same way I was the source of my feelings of being overwhelmed all those years ago.  Back then, I didn't prioritize time management as a way of mitigating my stress.  I didn't know.  I wasn't old and wise, like I am now.  But now, I do know.  Now I do not feel overwhelmed with ALL THE THINGS that need to get done.  Now, I feel overwhelmed by my inability to accept anything that is less than perfect from myself.  This is causing my own weariness and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to stop the cycle.

Last week, I talked about my spiral of negativity when I was feeling like a failure.  I talked about how I was able to come back from that on my own.  This feels deeper than that.  This is not a find awesome quotes on the internet and pep talk yourself back into the game (I mean, that might help, but it won't solve the problem this time).  This is a, you must endure this knowing you will endure this again.  You will prevail, but it will make you weary.  Weariness disguised as exhaustion and tiredness. 

-I skipped all my classes on Wednesday.  I hadn't planned on skipping German, but I was working on a project for my Cyber class and I was afraid that if I signed out of what I was doing I would be locked out.  So rather than potentially be locked out, I kept working through class.  THEN, after finishing the project that had been frustrating me for too many days, I said, FUCK THIS SHIT, and skipped the class.  The usual way the class goes when something is due is that students as questions and the instructor vaguely answers or implies that we should have known how to do that and then berates us for not spending enough time on it, blah blah blah.. and I didn't feel like being berated.  I just didn't.  My attendance in a class doesn't matter like a Cadet's attendance, so I'm not penalized for skipping, so I did.  It was one of my best decisions all week.  We'll say it was in the name of #SelfCare.

-Let me explain about this Cyber project.  We had to harden a system, which is probably jibberish to many Gentle Readers and that is ok.  We were given extremely old systems with default installs.  This would not be a problem, but I was working on a 2012 domain server with ZERO updates on it, and those are considered vulnerabilities and have to be corrected.  I spent hours on Monday downloading updates.  I spent the entire day on Tuesday, downloading updates.  When my afternoon class ended on Tuesday, I checked on the system (as I had been doing throughout the day), and this was the screen I got:

I almost lost my motherfucking mind.  I was prepared to just say fuck it if another attempt on Wednesday morning was unsuccessful.  I left work early on Wednesday to go to school to work on this stupid project that was due at 2:30 that day.  I worked on the system from 0915ish until noon, when I felt confident that I had done my best.  Magically, the updates had installed themselves overnight.  I had updated the firewall settings and changed passwords and changed account settings, and miraculously, when I finally restarted the system as the notification had prompted me to do an hour prior, I was still able to get into the system when it rebooted.  *all the praise hands emojis*

The worst part was asking Twin Dad about how to do these things, since it's his job at work to do these tasks and he was like, "Why don't you just do this simple solution that we use in the real world?"  EXACTLY!  EXXXXXXACTLY!!!!  Why don't we just do that?  Instead of jumping through hoop after hoop.  Because college is about doing it the most difficult way "for the sake of learning" and being overly frustrated at something that definitely should not be that fucking difficult.  That is how this entire class went the entire semester.  No wonder I'm so fucking weary.

*Update from the end of the week:
I was told on Thursday that the instructor had extended the deadline to Sunday and I went blind with rage.  Like literally, I couldn't see anything.  Apparently, he had told people what they needed to change in class and the 2 other people in the class with the same task as me were told that they didn't do what they needed to do, which ultimately meant that I didn't either. 
I just want this fucking class to be done with already.  More than any other class ever, including discrete math, which made me CRY multiple times.  Sad frustration is one thing.  Anger frustration is a different level.

-It's hockey playoff season!  Hockey playoffs and the end of the semester is really an unfortunate alignment of the stars.  This is for multiple reasons.
1.  I'd like to enjoy some playoff hockey, but, unfortunately, I still have homework to do.
2.  While trying to do homework when playoffs are on, I have to wear earplugs if Teh German is watching the game as his yelling is quite a disruption and distraction.

That said, we watched the Hurricanes vs Capitals last night and it was awesome.  Mostly the being on opposite sides.  Teh German is a LOT more vocal about when the puck gets near the net and he'll do a single cheer when his team scores.  I'm pretty quiet until we score and then I'm obnoxious.

Know who does not care for our hockey shenanigans?  This girl.

That's her "our bedtime was an hour ago and please stop yelling and let's go to bed" face.

-I'm strongly considering a tattoo before going to Germany if I can get an appointment.  I've been thinking about it for a long time, so I'm going to finally pull the trigger, hopefully.

-I asked our gym owner about suspending my gym membership while I'm in Germany for the study abroad.  I was told that they only suspended accounts for medical or military reasons.  After he said the part about medical reasons, I said, "Huh, too bad no one told me that 3 weeks ago."  He quickly looked away after I called him out on that.  So essentially, I can cancel and then when I come back I will have to pay the higher rate or I can just pay for the time that I'm not here and keep my lower rate.  Here's the thing, my lower rate is $70 a month.  It will prob be $80 when I come back.

But here's the other complicated part.  While I enjoy going to 9 Rounds, I do not get as much out of it as Teh German.  Ironically, the gym owner made sure to point out to me that Teh German has done 100 workouts at the gym since we joined in July 2018.  I'm probably at half of that, maybe a little more than half.  Because I have school AND I do the running thing, things Teh German does not do.

I just fear that if I stop going, Teh German will also stop going.  And also, I bought all the gear.  What am I going to do with it if I don't go?  But, NOT paying a gym membership for the next year appeals to me because I have such money guilt when I don't go and I know that my workload for school, at least, will increase over the next year.  If I didn't have a 9 Rounds membership, I would restart my city gym membership so I could go elliptical the shit out of an hour.  At $50 a year, I have ZERO guilt about not going.  IDK.  Decisions are hard.  Money decisions are infinitely more difficult.

-I have to confess that after asking for recommendations for legit laugh out loud funny book recommendations, I realized that either 1- I'm a book snob, or 2- my friends do not understand my reading tastes.  It's probably actually a mix of both.  I'm sure that the books my friends recommended are good books, but from reading the Goodreads reviews and summaries, 80% of the suggestions are books I wouldn't touch. 

Fun facts about Megan's reading preferences:
-I don't do zombies.  I don't care how much you care about the zombie apocalypse.  That shit seems stupid to me.
-I don't like to reread books unless I absolutely LURVED it the first time around.  Like, didn't stop talking about it for at least a month after reading it, loved.
-If a character is stupid or lacks the ability to make decisions or good decisions for the sake of character development, I will hate them and be annoyed for the entire book.  This is one of the pitfalls of Young Adult books that I barely tolerate.
-I can enjoy science fiction, but generally I prefer fantasy over sci-fi.

ZWEI - Money Shit

-Bojangles for breakfast.  Some people get coffee every day.  I get a gravy biscuit at least once a week.  #PickYourBattles
-On Wednesday morning, someone let me in the drive thru line in front of them (at Bojangles).  So I paid for their meal.  #GoodDeedOfTheDay
-$200 deposit for the beasts to get their teefs done while they are with their Other Momma.
-Page's Okra Grill dinner
-Laser appt
-Bagheera's taxes
-New carpet cleaner, which didn't actually hurt my heart since the old one was from 2013 and the water release trigger was broken so you ALWAYS had to use SUPER CLEAN ALL THE WATER mode.  I have Mr. Scrooge to thank for that....

DREI - From My Phone Shit

Got mah teefs did.
Well, my toof.
Half of my face is numb in this photo.

#CleanPlateClub after German food for lunch!

Spring has sprung..
I mean, it's been trying to kill me for over a month now, so I'm glad I finally have something to enjoy for my struggles.


Teh Running Bestie needed a small container of applesauce for a recipe she made.
This was the smallest container I could find.
She only had to use like 1/2 a cup or something.
Since this applesauce is super runny.. I have been partaking of it randomly as a "sweet treat".
Please, feel bad for Teh German, who obviously lives with an unrefined heathen animal (singular, not plural, thus this does not imply Meri and Pax, who are actually Goats, not dogs.)

When your cereal is overly powdery and it makes you angry,
you sift out the powder and put the remaining crisps in a bowl.

My view.

My heart almost exploded when I spotted this cuteness.

If you look closely, you can see the tracks of the Laundry Fairy coming to visit!
(the hamper has wheels, so the wheel tracks = Laundry Fairy visit)

Is this a dog that looks guilty for making me clean carpets by hand, thus prompting me to replace our non-functional carpet cleaner?  NO, NO HE DOES NOT.
Should he?  1000% MOST DEFINITELY.

I'm pretty sure I made a typo, but the fact that Google suggested this translation was worth sharing since it made me lol.

VIER - From the Internet Shit

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

  1. The end of that Cybersecurity class stupid project..  Just fucking kidding, everything we did was wrong and the deadline was extended and something that was supposed to be over still is not and actual violence looms on the horizon.
  2. Fun rivalry.  Healthy competition.  Whatever you want to call it.
  3. Classmates that understand my frustration/rage and professors who know that I just need to vent.
  4. Coworkers willing to teach me things so I can actually attempt to do school things.
  5. feeding to my calendar and generally coordinating my life.
  6. Losing track of what day it was on Monday and that confusion lasting throughout the week meant that Friday arrived sooner than expected, despite the first half of the week taking 84 years.
  7. Extra sporks in my Bojangles bag.  
  8. 1 no homework night after many days and nights of homework hell.
  9. Changing the password for my Cybersecurity project to s0s0s00verthisshit.
  10. Extra long hugs from Teh German since he knows I've been weary lately.

6 more homework/projects due + 5 final exams to take.
15 more days until Spring 2019 is completely finished.
21 days until I'm in Germany.
24 days until my language course starts.
Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.


  1. What are you thinking about getting a tattoo of?? Your class story made me ragey! I can't even imagine. I am definitely going to start saying something like, "don't you have something to fix somewhere?"

  2. I am sorry we are also weariness twinsies :( Because that whole section is pretty much word-for-word applicable to myself. I am trying really hard to get the idea of "good enough" down...silly but, because #goaloriented, I think of a video from Hank Green. He was asked how he managed to do so much and his answer included working really hard to get something 80% of the way, and then having faith that the last 20% would work out, because as we learn eventually 100% all the time isn't healthy. So my new goal is actively 80-90% rather than 100%...which feels wrong but is really helpful.


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