Monday, March 25, 2013

Being left behind.

This post is going to be full of "feelz" and pretty serious.  Sometimes, I can get into some pretty somber moods, which is probably good because most of the time I'm pretty wacky and crazy and sometimes downright spunky, so the somber times kinda balance me out.

This subject is very hard for me to discuss because its very personal and it pertains to my real life (RL).  The one with my RL friends and their real lives.  My disclaimer for this post is that I'm not angry, upset, disappointed, or any other "feelz" towards anyone (RL friends, blogs I'm subscribed to, people in general, strangers) for what I'm about to discuss.  I'm actually super glad to have the people that I have in my life, at their exact places in their lives.  But this is something I've been thinking about a lot recently.  And since this is my blog and I do what I wawnt..  I want to discuss it.

So WTF am I talking about?

Marriage and babies (not necessarily being in that order or simultaneously).

I've been through 2 addictions of wedding porn.  Not like 2 married people having sex porn, no no.. I mean looking at someone else's wedding and ooh-ing and ahh-ing and wishing and hoping that one day that would be me.  Subscribing to blogs to see what was trendy and hip (and really, bunting?) and how much stuff costs and.. we'll just simply call it "window shopping".  You know, when you walk by the store and see all the shiny stuff in the window but know you won't be buying anything?  That was me.  For several months.  Then I cut myself off.  I called it quits on the wedding porn.  I unsubscribed from the blogs.  I read other stuff.  I moved on and pushed the proverbial box in the back of the closet to let it collect dust (like I did with actual wedding magazines that one time when I was actually engaged).

Then a few months later, I just couldn't help myself.  The bug bit me again and I was back and looking at the wedding porn.  I told myself that I had it under control this time.  I was reading WeddingBee blogs and wishing I could be a Bee.  No JK.  Can we just talk about the fact that I didn't even have a fiance'?  In fact, nothing even close to that level.  The first or the second time.  Yep, under control, ya'll.  I had it totally under control.

Finally, I put my foot down.  I quit looking at the wedding porn, cold turkey.  I quit taking it to heart that everyone but me was getting married.  I quit taking it to heart that everyone but me was getting engaged.  I quit taking it to heart that everyone but me was able to live with (or within a reasonable distance of) their significant other.  I tried to tell myself to stop being jealous, because that's exactly what was happening.  (Told you there'd be feelz.)  And by all those declarative statements that "I quit..".  I actually mean, I tried to quit (except for the wedding porn, I definitely quit that, which helped the most).

I mean, I have a good life.  I've written about it before.  How grateful I am for everything I have?  For my American life.  Yet, I'm human, and there's things that I desire that I just haven't accomplished yet.  But even after I tried to quit taking everything to heart, the things that were bothering me started showing up in the mundane details.  Almost everyone I work with is married with kids, except for those who aren't because they choose not to be or are barely even legal.  Lots of the blogs I subscribe to, the writers are married or engaged or living with or within a close proximity of their significant other... or getting pregnant (we'll get to this).  It's hard to find a good single girl blog that doesn't talk about "outfits of the day" or beauty products or getting smashed all the time.  I'm saying it's hard to find someone like me.

Not to say that I'm single, but when you're in a perceptually forever long-distance relationship, where people actually say to you after meeting your boyfriend for the first time, "Oh, he is real, you weren't just making it all up." (jokingly, of course), your relationship status becomes a vague thing where its just easier to be categorized as single than try to keep explaining, "Yes, my BF is looking for a job here so he can move up, but since the civilian market here is pretty much saturated with prior military contractors and military dependents, its tough going."

I know, woe is me.  I'm not asking for my Gentle Reader's sympathy or even apathy.  I'm not really even complaining.  I'm just getting this off my chest... and lets be honest, my chest is big enough without additional baggage.  You've seen pics, it's ok to just agree.

I'm 27 years old.  I'm not really OLD.  I'm not so much YOUNG anymore, but I wouldn't NOT call myself young in comparison to someone who is say, idk, older than 45?  I don't really think 40 is old.  But 30 feels old.  Let me rephrase that.  ME being 30 feels OLD.

Me being 30 = Teh Dad being 56 and Teh Mom being 52.  Even having done the math, I don't view 56 and 52 as being OLD.  Maybe it's because I'm talking about my parents  Maybe its because they don't currently look like they are actually in their 50s/close to it.  IDK, seriously.  Feelz topics are hard, yo.

Maybe ME being 30 feels OLD because I had all these plans.  Plans that never worked out.  Incredulous plans that wouldn't have ever worked out from the moment I created them.  Plans of getting married and having kids.  And I'm not doubting that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life.. but at what point is a girl allowed to get impatient?

So, there is one of my struggles.

On to the next one, on to the next one...  (yeah, I just rapped that for you)


I have a friend who knows over 14 women that are pregnant right now.  Several of them are due within days/weeks of each other.  Yes, I know that women all over the world are getting pregnant and having babies, but ONE person knowing THAT many.. Crazy!  I have friends that are on kid number multiple.  I have friends that are pregnant right now.  Even Meredith Grey is having a baby (yes, I went there).

In regards to so much pregnant...  I know that being married and having babies isn't necessarily linked together anymore.  Well, I hate to be a traditionalist feminist (btw, I know Teh Bear is going to make fun of me for calling myself a feminist), but for me...  Marriage and kids are mutually exclusive.    Case closed.

Yes, I might be able to handle 3 dogs simultaneously (maybe barely), but I can say that if I had help with 3 dogs, it'd be a ton easier.  I do it because I like being able to help.  I like being able to maybe say I made a difference.  I like being able to say I helped out a friend (dog-sitting).  I like knowing that in some way, I'm growing from my experiences.

But in my plan.. I was married before 27.  I had started a career before 27.  I might have started a family by 27, or at least discussed starting one.  In that same plan, I had graduated college and gotten a good job.  I never, ever, in a million years, joined the Navy.  I was probably living in North Carolina, but NOT too close to home, home.

I guess what makes me jealous about marriage and babies is that was my plan...  and everyone else is fulfilling my plans.  Yet, I'm not.  I'm not even close in reality.  I'm not even sure I want to have babies anymore (and I'm sure my feelings on this will change again, and with a frequency, as it already has).  Maybe my problem is that my Step 1 (get married) isn't even close, so if my biological clock was actually blaring in my ears, Step 2 (have babies) isn't even possible yet.  Cue, frustration.

I love my life, but sometimes, I feel suffocated by all the desires that I have that I haven't fulfilled.  I feel suffocated by everyone else fulfilling my desires.  I've had to unsubscribe from blogs because I was getting too many wedding/baby posts.  They get me down, yo.  These aren't topics that I should be down about.  Seriously.  I also feel like if I'm purposely seeking these things I desire, I will never find them.  Good things come to those who wait, or whatever.  I mean, live with a purpose but don't focus on one thing.  IMO.

So I wait.  I wait to get orders back to America.  I wait out my time in Bahrain.  I wait on legalities.  I wait on Teh Bear to get a job in MD.  I wait on my own stipulations.  I've waited to wait more and the discouragement looms larger and larger.  No longer on the horizon, but right HERE, right NOW.  Unavoidable.

I put up my umbrella, to trot through the rain, to splash in the puddles.  To weather the storm, faking it till I make it, because good things come to those who wait... and I continue to wonder, did I plan for everyone else's life?  Am I being left behind?  What if I didn't want to be part of that generation who moved out and got married later in life?  I didn't sign up for this.

I'll just keep telling myself this...

1 comment:

  1. Ah. I know you said you weren't asking for sympathy...but *big virtual hugs.* I totally understand a good chunk of this. It's really hard when you have a plan for your life and then you see it go off track. I have no idea what to say to make it better (still trying to figure that out for myself), but since you say you have trouble with the feelz I'll just say that everything you said makes total sense and is relatable and I hope the happy feelz return soon.


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