Its like I do not allow myself the time to just be. I mean, all the things I choose to do are things that I want to do. I want to watch 3 hours of Private Practice, or I wouldn't do it. I want to get the dishes put away and the laundry done so I don't have to worry about it for the rest of my days off. I want to write blogs and post them every other day, or I wouldn't do it. But sometimes, I forget that doing nothing, just stopping to breathe, is ok.
I become wishful of times where there wasn't always something to do when you ran out of things to do. When you enjoyed someone else's company, just to spend time with that person, not because you felt like it was something you were obligated to do. When the activity you are doing with someone else is made better by the presence of the other person, whether it be eating a meal, shopping, sharing links on the internet while you sit beside each other, or even just sleeping.
I go through a default list of things to do.
Check FB, maybe update status, check gmail for new chats, nothing there?
Is there a blog ready? No? Write blog. Yes?
Anything interesting on Google Reader? Yes? Entertained till something else distracts me. No?
Have I read my internet comics recently? No? Checked. Yes?
Are there chores that I need to do? Yes? Do them. No?
Is there anything that could be done that I haven't done? Yes? Do it. No?
Check Fb. Have I worked out? Yes? Keep scrolling through FB. No?
Potentially go work out. Would I rather watch a tv show? No? Reader again. Yes?
Start tv marathon.
I just can't stop feel like there is always something nagging at me that needs to be taken care of. I feel no peace. No rest. I fall asleep fitfully because my brain is racing with thoughts, ideas that should be considered, plans that would be awesome, situations that could work themselves out.. and I wake up to the same level of activity.
What would it be like to live in a non-connected world? A world without computers and constant communication. Without telephones. What would it be like to live in a place, and that place is all you know? I honestly can't fathom it. I mean, I can contemplate the idea of being "unplugged". But that is a choice. To live in a world where the internet doesn't reach, where the concept of community isn't a place larger than what you know, where your neighbor is probably a family member, where your family is literally all you have, a smaller world, I have no concept of what that life would be like, that was never a choice for me.
This super huge, super speedy, super connected world makes me feel small. And maybe I wonder if living in a place that was all I knew would make me feel bigger, more significant, less lost, and with less things to fill up my time, with an acceptance of quiet time, and different concepts of community, family, and what my plans actually are.