Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Beyond exhausted.

You know that point at which you know you're exhausted?  You tell everyone how tired you are.  They know you're exhausted.  You know you're exhausted.  Yet, you can't stop...  There are things that can't be ignored just because you're exhausted.

You get home from working all day and the house is a wreck and the laundry needs to be done and the dogs would really like some attention but the effort to bend over to pet them is just too much and you need to cook dinner because you need leftovers to bring for work the next day and while no one has really texted you all day, suddenly everyone NEEDS you, right then, and they don't call (which is infinitely easier than texting, even if you really don't want to talk to anyone at all) and all you'd really like to do is just take your bra off (if you're me) and put on fuzzy socks and jammies and just crawl in the bed and have a good cry and lay there exhausted thinking of all the things you need to do but just don't have the energy to do because just laying there, breathing is too much work.

I'm there.

I'm at the point where I just want to stop but I can't.  I can't just stand here while everything else around me keeps moving, no matter how strong the desire is.  Instead, I stand here in my kitchen, typing this with tears streaming down my cheeks while I make dinner, fighting a headache, a sore throat, a runny nose, sore feet, and the desire to just stop standing for more than 15 minutes at a time since I've been on the move for 10 hours now, ignoring 2 adorable dogs that are begging me for dinner (mine or theirs), wishing that the laundry would put itself in the dryer, wishing that I didn't have to be at Target for 8 hours so soon, and wondering just how long I can keep this up.  All the while, I berate myself for not being thankful enough for the all the things I have; the kitchen to make dinner, the money to buy groceries, the ability to stand at all, the clothes that I have to wash and the ability to wash them in a machine that does the work for me, the job that I have, the life I lead.

This guilt trip can't make me feel more grateful though.
Is this what they meant when they said cognitive complexity is the ability to see all the facets to each situation, because if so, I'm over it and my COM 230 teacher can have it back.

Honestly, my strength is my weakness.  I am relentless.  I am stubborn.  I will not let this beat me.  But it's beating me right now and I'm hurting and broken and I'm running on fumes and 100% sure this is what depression looks like because I wasn't always in this place.

My positivity is gone.  I've been lured in over and over, only to be turned away again and again.  I'm searching for anything that will disperse the cloud that seems to permanently reside over my head.  I continue faking it till I make it, hoping that one day I do actually make it.  I'm starting to take it personally, even though I'm not sure it's really all that personal.  It's just the world operating in the way the world works, which often isn't in the best interest of the little (wo)man.

I know that there is no where to go but up when you hit the bottom, but this isn't the bottom, which makes it infinitely more scary.  I'm still falling.  I'm not completely broken yet.

Already I don't recognize the woman that looks back at me in the mirror.  The stress written on her face, the fear in her eyes, the lethargy in her posture.  She endures each day, knowing the next day is probably not the day the tables will turn.  This woman wants to celebrate with her peers for their accomplishments, but her lack of accomplishment dampens the sweetness and turns things sour.  She sees instead opportunities she missed out on, wondering how fortune smiled on those she knows, questioning why she was skipped over.

This is what a bad day looks like.
Is it over yet?


  1. This post breaks my heart, bloggy friend. I'm so, so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't know if there is anything I can do, if any words can help right now.

    But if they can, I'll offer this- you will make it. I fully believe that. It may suck right now, hell-it may suck for a while. But this sounds too familiar and too normal with all you have going on (separating from the military, moving, moving in with someone, job searching) for me not to believe you will overcome and be back to yourself. "Just keep swimming." (hoping the thought of Nemo will at least bring a smile...that's an adorable fish).

  2. I'm sorry you are feeling stressed and all kinds of things. I know this is just a road bump and you will eventually drive through it!!

  3. That really stinks. I completely understand what that feels like, It's the worst. It sucks when people tell you to keep trudging along and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I promise there really is though.


YAY!! I love comments! Please be aware that I reply to comments via email; please have an email associated with your account so we can chat!