Sunday, August 26, 2012

Airport thoughts...

Dear Parents with the screaming child,
I'm not sure how you've not noticed your child running around while screaming and yelling torturing the rest of us.  I see that he has an older sibling who seems well mannered, so may I inquire what happened to disciplining the younger one?  I'd appreciate if you shut him the fuck up.  Apparently, I'm going to be here for a while and I'd appreciate the quiet so my rage can simmer on a consistent scale.

Dear BWI,
Pretty sure hurricane Issac is headed for FL/AL/MS/LA.  You closing down the airport isn't a funny joke.  I'm not appreciating this delay at all.  Not only does it mean that I'm not going to get home any time soon, but it could possibly mean I won't get home tonight at all.  In addition, the 2 hour drive I get to look forward to making at whatever hour we get in means not making the journey with my 2 puppers in tow.  I was really looking forward to hanging out with ze pup-pups.  Oh yeah, and since I'm on leave that could be a wasted day.  I appreciate all you do, asshole.

Dear airport McDonalds,
I only chose you because I've eaten more pizza in the last week than should probably have been consumed.  I chose a happy meal because of my delicate stomach situation.  Thank you for looking out for my stomach situation too.  I don't really appreciate it though.  I was actually looking forward to a "small" fry, not an "extra small, potentially healthy since its only '100 calories'" fry.  The 4 apple slices didn't make me feel compensated.  At $5.99 for a kids cheeseburger happy meal, I expect at least a small fry, a minuscule cheeseburger, a toy and maybe a sip of a beverage in a mini cup.  As a McDonald's, home of America's favorite fries, I'ma need you to get this right.  We love the fries, not the apple slices or the cheeseburger.  W.T.F.

Dear screaming child,
That man you keep running by while you're screaming might actually reach out and smack you soon.  I saw how he was shaking his head.  It's going to happen.  Or you're going to trip on one of your circles by him.  I won't feel bad.  I hope you aren't on my flight.  But, I have a feeling you are.  You might be the cause of some air stewardesses having to do extra paperwork when we land.  If I was your parent I would have given you a tranquilizer like benedryl or dimeatapp.  I care about my fellow travel companions though, and your parents obviously don't.  Why can't you be more like your older brother who is quietly reading a book or ipad or something?  You're very unbecoming when you're yelling and bouncing.  I actually wish there was an open window someone could help you "climb".

Dear person who posted on FB about talking about joys instead of whining,
I can't help it.  I love the rain.  I'd even go so far as to say I'd tolerate thunderstorms without much whining after the lack of rain I've experienced the past few years.  The fact that BWI is experiencing a storm and I can't be there is particularly upsetting.  So yay that MD is getting rain, boo to the fact that I can't be there to enjoy it.... aka I'm stuck at the Orlando airport... with no USO.  At least we hadn't already boarded!

Dear USO,
I love you.  Seriously.  I love that you're always there for me.  Even if its outside of security (which really sets me on fire), you're still there.  Obviously, you're the best at any airport where you are inside of the security lines (i.e. Charlotte-Douglas).  But you've let me down.  There is NO USO at MCO.  So I'm stuck at my gate, listening to this NOT handicapped child go on and on with his yelling and screaming while his Mom encourages him and his dad sits there with earbuds in miraculously ignoring this child that no one else seems able to ignore.  You crush me.  Y U no haz location at MCO?  I've seen at least 2 people in my terminal in uniform, and I'm sure there has to be plenty of people NOT in uniform around here.  This is like tourist heaven.  You can tell from all the Mickey Mouse shirts on the kids.  Y U no love Orlando, USO?

Dear airport power outlets,
You are so few and far between.  Of course, you are usually NOT near any comfortable chairs, so my butt is falling asleep from sitting on the floor.  It's a great time.  I'm telling myself this is a delayed gratification thing for getting to sit on the almost equally uncomfortable airplane chair.  I'm charging up my laptop now so I can endure whatever screaming children are on my flight by immersing myself fully into playing the Sims.  Maybe I'll take out some rage on all these screaming children by killing some Sims.

Dear MCO,
Your free wifi is very much appreciated right now.  That's not even in sarcastic font.  I heart you.  I know that I'd be sitting here killing my phone battery (whining on FB), sighing loudly, and playing the sims without you.  PS.  Once I am able to actually get out of this airport, please don't close down for weather until you've cleared my aircraft to take off.  PLSKTHX.


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