Wednesday, November 28, 2018

People I Cannot Relate To...

-People who complain about shitty sleeps because their pet(s) take up all the bed.  #sorrynotsorry  I didn't spend a mabillionty dollars on dog beds for my dogs to sleep in my bed, causing me to sleep like shit.  Nope, nope, nope.  Get the fuck off my bed, bitches.

-People who don't get unreasonably angry when their hair sticks to their lips after applying chapstick on a windy day.  FACK that shit makes me so angry.. and I know, I know.. #FirstWorldProblems

-People who don't get unreasonably angry when paper products are out in the bathroom (i.e. paper towels, toilet paper).  And don't get me started on turning the TP the wrong way.

-People who bitch about developments being put in nearby areas, but they live in suburbia.  You live in suburbia, outside a city that is growing so rapidly the infrastructure can't handle it.. but sure, I'm sorry your trees are gone.

-Students who complain about their grades, but didn't bother to do homework all semester.  Look here you little shit, I did all my homework and turned all my assignments in on time and I work full-time.  Do not dare tell me how little time you have.

-Women who forget their birth control.  Mine is permanently installed until I choose to have it removed, but I also take the pill for my hot flashes and I have ZERO problems remembering it. 

-People who fall asleep instantly.  I hate all of you.  Husband understands this hatred.

-People who can't nap.  Naps are an imperative part of my well-being.  Some people are legitimately confused when I have the opportunity but don't nap.

-People who don't take notes during class.  1) How do you stay awake?  2) Do you actually read the book later?  Who does that?

-People who do not laugh after someone says, "That's what she said."  You have no sense of humor, bye, Felicia.

-Even worse, people who do not say, "That's what she said," after something moderately dirty.  Opportunities to point out innuendos should always be taken, Michael Scott should have taught you that.

-People who can eat/drink things while there is still steam coming off of whatever it is.  How do you not scald your taste buds off?!  This one also applies to Husband.  Weirdo.

-Assholes who say, "Bless you," before someone sneezes.  Step on legos, bitches.

-Assholes who don't clear the time remaining on the microwave if they stop it early.  As someone who normally stops the microwave early (because I don't like hearing it beep when the cycle ends), I will either open the door then hit cancel or just press cancel 2x.  It's not that hard.

-People who can listen to any type of music.  I don't even like some of my favorite musics sometimes.  Well... maybe, I'm just not in the mood.

-People who buy books with movie covers instead of the original book cover.  NO.

-People who feel that college or high school was "the time of my life!"  Not even close.  There's never a day that I would choose to repeat either time in my life.  Same applies for my time in the Navy.  Nope, nope, nope.  I ain't doin' it.

-People who lie about their age.  Fuck, I can barely remember how old I am and I'm 32.  I earned these years, you better believe I'm proud of them.

-Anyone who wants to be the CEO or executive level management.  I don't need that kind of stress or responsibility.  I just want someone to pay me for the things that I do for them and then I can go home at the end of the day and not give a fuck.

-People who would rather be hot than cold.  I can add as many layers of clothes as I want, I cannot take off as many layers of clothes as I want.  That's how people get arrested.

-People who don't vote.  Silence is acceptance.  If you accept the way things have become, you are part of the problem.

-People who have a preferred brand of bottled water.  I'm here for whatever is cheapest.

-People who do not like butt-stuffing at Thanksgiving (butt-stuffing = stuffing inside the turkey).  Butt-stuffing is the best stuffing.. after that is boxed stuffing.

-People who let their kids play with noisy electronic devices in public.  Buy them earbuds or make them silence that shit.  The end.

-People who legitimately feel that puns and bad jokes are bad and should not be told/shared.  DIAF, hater of joy.

-Anyone who doesn't appreciate thumb holes in long sleeve shirts.  Thumb holes are the BEST.

-People who don't open links in new tabs.  What is this 1995?!

-Anyone who chooses to use Internet Explorer or Microsoft Edge.  Do not touch me with your technology plague.  Don't even come near me.  I am offended just thinking about it.

-Assholes who live 20 feet away from their neighbors and still put their dogs outside and let them bark and bark and bark and bark and bark.  Do I like opening the window to yell-scream at your dogs to SHUT UP like we're in the country?  No.  Will I?  Fuck yes, I will.

-People who have a millionty icons on their desktop.  How do you even find anything in that?  STOP IT.

-People who do not lure themselves into doing certain things with the reward of special foods.  Wanna know the key to my success?  Feeding myself ALL THE THINGS.

Who are the people you cannot relate to?  Let's hear it.  No shame.


  1. Ha so many of these. "People who do not get the humor of The Office in general". And I don't complain about bad sleep because of my dogs. We bought the California King for a reason. I liked college. I would never go back to high school. I always felt bad for the 10 year olds I taught, knowing they were heading into middle school and the worst time of their lives.

  2. I never, ever forgot my birth control. Which is kind of ironic given that it turns out I can't get pregnant on my own anyway ;) I get irrationally angry at people who fall pregnant accidentally more than once. I mean, once is annoying enough (damn fertiles!) but did you not learn how contraception works the first time round?!

    I don't purposely buy books with movie covers but I do own some because they were used from book outlet or whatever and that's what turned up, or I bought them in Germany and that's the only cover that existed there.

  3. I agree with so many of these that I would basically just be copying your entire list. I may be one who lets my dogs bark too much outside, but literally everything else=same!

    My MIL thought it was a joke when my alarm on my phone went off a few years ago and it said Birth Control. No joke, I legit set a timer for that because it MATTERS (also, it's sad that so many people still don't know you are supposed to take it around the same time every day).

  4. Seems we have a lot in common! The only one I can't relate to is the first one. I let my dog and two cats sleep with me...hence, always a shitty sleep!


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