Friday, April 8, 2016

22 Things You Learn When You Move to Charleston

1.  To go to a chain restaurant of any sort is to mingle with the peons.  There are way too many options for good food to eat at a chain restaurant.  If you have no idea where to go, Yelp is your friend.

2.  Everyone who can't drive moved to Charleston before you.  May the force be with you.  Oh, and if it's raining?  Game over, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Just.stay.home. 

3.  One way in, one way out.  That's the theme for almost the entire Lowcountry.  You want to go to the beach on a weekend in the middle of the summer?  Enjoy sitting in traffic for 30+ minutes on a 2 lane road while the tourists try to find parking spaces.  You better pray they didn't steal your secret spot.  Going downtown?  You might have a little better luck regarding time, but good luck finding parking within 5 blocks of your destination.

4.  There is no rhyme or reason as to why traffic is stopped...  Unless you are trying to merge onto I-26W from I-526.  That's just a cluster and it always will be.  Doesn't matter if it's 3am or 5pm.  Just calm your tits and be patient... and for the love of God do NOT be the asshole who rides all the way down the merging lane then slips in at the end.  If karma is real, you'll be walking on legos for the next week.

5.  The bridges here have names.  Good luck figuring out which one is which if you're not a local.
5a.  Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge is the best bridge and the Cooper River Bridge run is one of the best 10k's I've ever experienced.  There's also the Don Holt bridge, Cosgrove bridge, 526 bridge, Wando bridge, The Expressway, The Connector, Wappoo Creek bridge.. need I continue?

6.  "Lowcountry smell" is a thing.  It smells like swamp and ass.  It's worse when the tide is out.  It often get mixed with the smell of paper mill, which makes it even worse than it normally is.  There are people that like the smell of Lowcountry.  I do not happen to be one of those people.

7.  You might be a snob when it comes to certain types of seafood, but Lowcountry seafood is not to be snubbed, in my opinion.

8.  All the trees look like they might be haunted because of the Spanish Moss.  But really, it's only creepy when it's not daylight outside.  In the daylight, it's actually quite pretty and some of the best rides I've been on, have been under Spanish Moss adorned tree-lined streets.  Tree shade can make or break the best summer days.

9.  You will be eaten by the bugs.  It doesn't matter if the bugs do or don't like you wherever you came from.  No-See-Em's are real and they are hungrrrraayyyy.  Never rely on your friends to have bug spray.  They probably already ran out and forgot to pick some up at the store.

10.  Some sports teams are shared by North and South Carolina.  For instance, the Carolina Panthers, the Carolina Hurricanes.  Some teams are NOT.  For instance: Carolina Tarheels are an NC team vs Carolina Gamecocks who are an SC team.
10a.  Granted, all the shared teams play IN North Carolina, but that is neither here nor there.
10b.  If you grew up in South Carolina, you are either a Clemson fan or a Gamecocks fan.  Nothing else is acceptable.
10c.  Saturday is for college sports (and probably drinking).  Nothing else matters.

^^ My fave SC team (AA hockey)

11.  We don't have snow days, we have rain days.  I don't make it a secret that I leave work early sometimes if it's raining because I know just how bad traffic is going to be.  Please see #2 and #4.

12.  Palmettos are different than palm trees, but I'm not going to correct you when you call them palm trees because I don't really care.  Palmettos are short and fat palm trees.  Palm trees are tall and skinny palmettos.  Knowledge is power.
12a.  Palmettos are on everything.  Company titles, stickers on cars, the flag.  ALL HAIL the Palmetto!

13.  You can buy automatic weapons in South Carolina.  The process to get any type of firearm is really easy.  So that car you're honking at?  They may be packin', so be wise with your rage.

14.  You can see dolphins in the Charleston Harbor, especially from Battery Park.  Along with a lot of trash and the USS YORKTOWN, but there are dolphins!  Also, you can see dolphins in other places, such as Shem Creek, if you dare to undertake the parking debacle that is Shem Creek.

15.  You'll hear a lot of different accents and languages here.  Obviously the most popular accent will be "Southern Drawl", but Charleston is a tourist area so you'll hear languages from all over the world depending on what is going on in the Lowcountry.

16.  Everyone who has moved to Charleston is from Ohio.  Obviously, I'm the exception.  This isn't exactly true, but the Ohio State logo looks quite similar to the NC State logo and I've been duped way too many times to be ok with it anymore.  I'm bitter.  GO PACK!

17.  Monograms.  Monograms everywhere.  The bigger the better.  Glitter or chevrons are the only way to go.

18.  Bill Murray has a house/lives in downtown Charleston.  I've yet to see him to verify this fact, but evidence points to truth.  Another famous person from Charleston?  Darius Rucker.  He even has his own street named after him near the Coliseum.

19.  When it rains, it pours.  Downtown will probably flood, the streets all across the Lowcountry will be like fording the river in Oregon Trail, and Edisto Island will probably be under a flood warning for 2 weeks after the rain has stopped.  It's not unusual to see people kayaking down the streets of downtown when there are storms.
18a.  Those flooded streets?  There will inevitably be smart cars trying to caulk and float across the river.  #idiots

Source: Post and Courier

20.  South Carolina doesn't care about road quality.  You will actually feel the difference when you cross state lines in the road.  Say goodbye to your vehicle's alignment and even tire wear.

21. There are 4 seasons in Charleston.  Pre-Summer, HELL (what normal people call Summer), Post-Summer, and a few days they call "Winter" but are really just moderately chilly and you might need a hoodie to wear with your flip flops.

22.  Red lights are suggestions.  Yellow lights mean put the pedal to the metal and if that light turns red while you are passing through the intersection, Oh well #nofucksgiven.  What this means for a small percentage of the population is that you have to be hyper aware when crossing through intersections so you don't get t-boned.  Good luck, and I did warn you...


  1. Ohhhh I never knew the difference between Palmettos and Palm Trees but I love them both!!! And monograms are everywhere all over the south!!!

  2. #13 makes me want to get you an armored car just sayin

  3. I actually did not know the difference in Palmettos/Palm trees...although it feels like I should have.

    There seems to be a theme regarding traffic...

  4. I love the look of Spanish Moss. I want to visit Charleston at some point, if only for the awesome people there! I can't imagine traffic like that....the only time we have traffic is due to a tractor or a cow in the road.


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