Map and Key in case you forgot:
Red Diamond = where all the action takes place. It is actually the end of the road I grew up on. When Teh Dad bought a house, he bought a house literally across the street.
Red Circle = VERY bad place to pull out into traffic. You can't really tell from the image, but its actually halfway down a small hill, meaning when you turn out onto the street, you have to gun it and hope that no one is coming. Have I/we pulled out in front of people before? Yes, often. Its a REALLY bad place to have a driveway.
Orange Arrow = Teh Dad's house
Yellow Arrow = TC/TT house
Green Line = Directions from Teh Dad's to TC/TT's house.
Let me back up and say that both part 1 and part 2 were relayed to me on Father's Day 2011 over Skype. So this is just me retelling the story... for your entertainment, to show you the wounds that haven't become scars yet on my psyche.
Teh Dad is a pretty good handy man when it comes to getting things done around the house. But, because he's been in NC for so long and started to assimilate to the redneck ways, he's become more... "imaginative" in ways to get things done. This hurts my soul a bit.
So, The Day Before Father's Day 2011 (TDBFD11).... Teh Dad decided that it was the day for the dead/dying tree to be removed from the yard. "It only had about 20 green leaves this year," was his proof that it had kicked the bucket. I didn't fight it. It isn't my yard and the 2 times that I've visited in the past 2 years, I didn't really notice the dead/dying tree. His prerogative.
I had to decide how I was going to get rid of this tree. I could just saw it down and then cut it up, but then I would have to deal with the stump. And this is a big tree. I couldn't pull that stump out on my own. So, I decided that I'd just get the truck and pull the whole tree over. So that's what I did. I put a chain around the tree and hooked it to the truck. I started spinning a little bit, but finally the wheels caught and the whole tree, stump and all were leaning over. I was glad the the stump had come out. But now I was stuck again. I had to figure out how to get this tree out of the yard. I could cut it up and bring it to the neighbor's (meaning across the street to the relatives), but that still left me with the stump and it wasn't a one man job. So, I thought about calling TC to see if he could come help me with it. Then I had a better idea...
At this point, Teh Dad burst into giggles and was laughing so hard he was crying.
Me, laughing at Teh Dad laughing: Oh no. This isn't good..
tD: Since the tree was already hooked up to the truck, I figured I'd just drag it to the neighbor's.
Me, not laughing: You WHAT?! (I get that "WHAT" straight from Teh Dad, so its only fair I get to use it on him)
tD: I was going to drag the whole tree to the dump. (Which is located on the neighbor's (by neighbor he means his uncle and cousins) property)
Me: Behind the truck?
tD: Well, yeah, how else? Let me finish!
Me: I'm scared.
tD, chuckling the entire time: Since the tree was already halfway tipped over and out of the ground, I figured I'd just drag it across the street. I figured by the time I got it up our road, that it would have a flat place on the bottom, so it would drag just right.
tD: So, I decided I was just gonna do it. The truck's tires squealed, but I got started up the hill. Then I realized that if I stopped at the top of the hill for the stop sign, I was going to have some trouble getting started again, so I checked to make sure there wasn't anything coming from the right. There was a car at the top of the hill, but I knew I'd be ok. And since you can't see the other way, I figured if I gunned it, hopefully they'd have time to notice and stop..
Me, giggling: Before they hit a tree?
tD: Well.. yes. Anyways, I gunned it and made the turn and I guess I underestimated how flat the tree should have been on the stump from dragging it up the road, because that tree just kept rolling across the road. The car was still coming down the road, but they had slowed down. Which was good, because at this point the tree was blocking the entire road.
Me: Apparently, that wasn't supposed to happen.
tD: Well, no, the flat place wasn't very flat. So I straightened out and finally got the tree behind me, but by this point the car had stopped. I turned on my signal and turned onto the neighbor's driveway. Then I looked up and realized that the car that had been stopped was turning around on our road and put blue lights on and was headed for me.
Me: /face palm.
tD: It was the sheriff's deputy (SD). I just stopped at the end of the driveway, because I knew there was no point in trying to keep going. He got out of his car, inspected the tree on his way to the truck, and said, 'You wouldn't happen to be related to Bo and Luke would ya?' I responded, Well, sir, my last name is Roscoe.
At which point, he paused and began laughing till he cried again.. and simultaneously, I realized he had made his own Dukes of Hazzard reference.. to get out of a ticket... by purposely pronouncing our name wrong. /face palm #2 with attempted suppressed laughter to not encourage Teh Dad, and to mask the slight irritation that he's purposely said our last name wrong just so he could make a Dukes of Hazzard reference to get out of the ticket.
SD: Excuse me?
tD: One second, I'll show you my license.
SD: Well, I'll be damned. What the hell are you doing dragging a tree down the road?
Teh Dad then recounted the story of pulling the tree out of the yard, and added in how it was just easier to pull it across the street than have to cut it up, struggle with the stump, which was not a one-man job, and then haul it all across the street. But he did offer to stop dragging it if the officer wanted to wait for him to unhook the tree, go across the street to get the chainsaw, he'd cut it up... If the officer would help him put the stump in the bed of the truck.
At this point, my mouth is hanging open. These people are my relatives? NO WAI!
SD: I'm going to have to stop coming this way. You and your cousins, Bo and Luke, are gonna get me killed one day. Just get rid of this tree, and don't do this again, Mr. Roscoe.
tD: Yes, sir.
Cue mouth hanging open even more. Same officer, 2 ridiculous acts, neither of them got a ticket.. WTF? Teh Dad did mention that dragging the tree down the dirt road had really smoothed it out. And he considered dragging it up and down a few times to "get it really smooth." When we lived there, it was always an adventure to dodge the potholes, because there were ALWAYS potholes in the driveway.
Me: Tell me you didn't.
tD: No, but I seriously considered it. Just going up and down the driveway once or twice, turning around at the top of the driveway. But I didn't want the sheriff's deputy to see me and think I was playing around, so I just took it too the dump.
Me: What a good idea.
|Or he'll kick a tree's ass.. But still, so redneck hardcore.... (image)|
I retold this story to Teh Bear a day or so after Teh Dad told me. I don't tell it as funny as Teh Dad does, but then again, I wasn't crying when I retold the story. Apparently, teh Stepmom did NOT approve of Teh Dad's antics. She immediately asked if any of their neighbors had seen him and said she couldn't believe he would do that. Which of course, made me laugh, because, being the older child, I revel in things that aren't approved of by parental figures.
I really wish I had an audio recording of Teh Dad telling this story because it was hilarious, one of those stories I could listen to and it would always be funny. His reactions to his telling of the story and the ridiculousness that was part 1 and part 2, the fact that part 1 directly related to part 2, even though it was a year later. The fact that even though I didn't want his redneck ways to be funny, they really were, which was even more funny when teh Stepmom didn't approve.
The entire time Teh Dad was telling his story, I kept thinking about a conversation Teh Bear and I had a few months prior where he made a sign that said, "You can't fight country" because I was trying to prove to him that just because I'm from NC doesn't mean I'm a redneck. Apparently, you can't argue with a sign. What kind of yankee logic is that?
The final thing about the story was that it made me further embrace when people say my last name wrong, which has been a difficult thing for me over the last 25 years.
Since I joined the Navy, I have pretty much given up on correcting people when they say my last name wrong, sad but true. When I was in boot camp, I was chosen to help with an inspection and was given a bravo zulu for doing a good job. The Chief I had assisted asked me what my name was and I told her. My RDC (drill instructor) was standing there, and said, I've been pronouncing your name wrong this entire time?!?!
Me: Yes, Petty Officer.
RDC: Why didn't you correct me?
RDC: Nevermind. Go away, (correct last name).
Me, with a smile: Yes, Petty Officer.
She never pronounced it wrong again after that. :)
PS. You can definitely fight country.. Just not if you have relatives like mine.. /face palm #3.