Yeah, I'm there now. You've been warned.
And if you read Friday's post about my official announcement, then this will all, eventually, make sense.. but I'm going to go full on girl here because it's been a long time since I've done that.. not just here, but in general.
Since Teh Bear left. I shut down emotionally. My range of feelings goes from RAGE to normal to OMG YAY! for the most part. RAGE usually involves some hangar or work and OMG YAY! is reserved for awesome things. But usually, I'm at a normal state. This state seems to include a maximum level of nonchalance to all the things. Including my feelings about the move and my relationship, sometimes.
I know part of my nonchalance is a distance that I've created because I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt (again). So the thing about this new LDR is that this is round #2 with this guy. The only round #2 that I've ever allowed to happen, which he's completely aware of, because I had a rule that repeat relationships were NEVER, EVER, EVERRRRRRR allowed. Granted, there were reasons beyond our control that ended round #1, we've discussed the problems from round #1, and we've both changed a lot since then, but that doesn't stop me from being hesitant about
But at the same time.. I do want to be "needy" and emotional and... "girly".. but I'm afraid to do that because I'm a chicken. I'm afraid that being emotional with someone will mean that I might feel something again.. and I'm not sure if I can handle that. Will I cry? Will I laugh? Will I be the stone wall, like I am now?
I'm afraid that my nonchalance is coming off as disinterest and purposeful distance, which is definitely NOT the case or intentional. But feelings are scary and hard and the last time I had feelings and was honest about them, I ended a decent relationship because I felt like I had settled and I wasn't completely happy and I felt like I could do better. There I said it. Out loud, in writing, on the internet. I feel like an asshole, but I'm being honest because I'm missing a filter since it's so late. Enjoy.
I have been told before that my nonchalance has made people think that I wasn't interested, which is extremely scary to me, because I know that my nonchalance is at an all time high right now. Being told, "You're not that sentimental" kinda iced the cake. But if I act like nothing bothers me, then no one knows that I'm a hot mess, which is why I'm using my nonchalance as self-defense. I care, but not enough to be bothered.
Really, I could go for a hug, but I'm still afraid that I might break down and cry when people hug me like I did in February. I worry that the one time I said "you can do whatever and whoever you want" will come back and bite me in the ass, even though I've been told it won't, and I don't know where this distrust is coming from because I have no reason to be this way. I fear becoming that girl who can't handle deployments, even though I've been through it on the other side before. I prepare myself for the absolute worst, and sometimes I wonder if that might have been/be better.
I tell myself that I'm fine and I'm where I need to be and things will happen when they should and everything is ok, but I feel far from ok when all I want is to blurt out all these emotional, heart-wrenching feelings, but yet I continue to hold them in. Waiting for the right time, for someone else's lead, to keep the "crazy" under control because I'm not "that girl."
But I wake myself up at night saying "I love you" out loud because it's true and I just can't hold it in, but I can't tell him just yet, because I'm waiting on a sign or something to happen although I haven't quite pin-pointed what it is just yet. And there's the stress of the rules and the secrets and I just close my eyes and wait until it all passes. Until I have it all under control again and I realize I'm not breathing. I must keep breathing. All I can do is keep breathing.
And then there's the stress that everyone else knows about...
The getting out of the Navy, the finding a job, the moving to TN to be with someone even though there are no jobs in my specialty there and I could easily find a job anywhere else, but not even close to Millington, the fact that I just got out of a long-term relationship, the fact that it snows less than 2" per year there, the finding a place to live with 2 dogs, getting my stuff to TN, getting ME to TN... the list goes on and on.
It's big. It's bigger than moving to GTMO or Bahrain or MD because all those times I had the Navy. I had a job, they were paying for my place to live, I didn't have to worry because it would be taken care of.. and I'm walking away from that. And sometimes that decision seems completely stupid, but I know in October when I've overcome all the obstacles and road blocks and I'm in TN and we're together, it will be completely worth it.
I KNOW THAT. But right now, at this moment, I'm struggling to believe that.
I feel alone and full of feelz and I'm worried about all the things and there's no one to talk me down because all the smart people are already asleep. But I'm smart, it will all work out. This too shall pass and the wait and struggle and that lie that I told for years will have been worth it and these steps in the coming months will be small things that are eventually inconsequential compared to the next set of hurdles that I won't have to face alone.
But knowing it doesn't make it less scary right now.