Thursday, July 23, 2015

The thing about online dating...

I've been at this online dating thing for about a week now.  That doesn't make me anything close to an expert, but I have QUICKLY figured out what I will/won't go for.  Let me share these hilarious details with you...

You're a possible candidate if:

~You said something moderately religious to indicate you go to church regularly.  Praise Jesus!
~You're hilarious.  Not funny, not amusing.. HILARIOUS.  Lolz must be induced.
~You have a motorcycle/photo of a motorcycle.
~You have a/some goofy photos.  The more ridiculous the better.
~You have a photo of yourself in a public service uniform (police/fire fighter).

You're probably eliminated if:

~You have a photo of yourself in a military uniform (especially if you're a baby nuke who is going to move in a year).
~You have a cat.
~Your photo has a CRT monitor in the background with speakers attached to it... like it's 1999.  See below about taking a selfie.

You're definitely eliminated if:

~You are only interested in casual dating/no commitment... I'm not looking to get laid, kthx.
~You say somewhere on your profile that we can tell people we met in person.  Lies get you no where.
~You have a picture of your truck/car.
~You have a picture of you without a shirt on flexing.
~You have shitty grammar/were unable to use complete sentences in your "about me" section.
~You only have photos of you with groups of people/random women (take a freakin' selfie, this is 2015).
~You list NFL/NBA/NASCAR/some other sport besides hockey in your interests and you're obviously a hardcore fan.  Sorry, I just can't. 
~You have a photo of you smoking, but say you're a non-smoker.
~You have NO profile other than the mandatory questions.
~You have a profile that says, "Just ask me."  (If I wanted to just ask you, I wouldn't be looking at your profile, fool.)
~duck lips
~Your first date idea sounds stupid or says, "A restaurant for some drinks to loosen up followed by dinner and a walk around town."  Nothing else sounds quite like a ticket to rapetown.
~Anything on your profile sounds stupid (into drunken arguing?  seriously?  SERIOUSLY?).
~You have a photo of liquor bottles.... not YOU with liquor bottles.. just liquor bottles on the counter.
~You have a photo of a meme/something I would find on Pinterest.
~You have a photo of your super hero wall/stuff/things/comic book collection and it's quite abundant.
~You don't want kids.
~You have a grill... in your mouth grill, not for cooking grill.
~Any combination of 6's and 9's in your username.
~You flipping off the camera in your profile photo.
~You have a photo of you in full camo/hunting gear holding a dead creature.  I'm just not going to be hardcore enough for you.
~Your collar is popped.
~Your only interests are fishing and hunting.
~Your pants are sagging.
~You used a selfie stick...
~You are holding any type of small dog (sorry, Phil would eat that and I wouldn't PHIL bad. bahaha)
~Your head is titled in a weird way in every photo of you.  It's not cool, bro.
~Anything in any text you have submitted (your profile/headline/messages you send) is in text speak.

Things I've learned:

-About 50% of dudes in the Charleston area have been skydiving.  There is photographic evidence.  I've seen it on all their profiles.
-Even more than that are enlisted military. 
-90% of dudes in Charleston love the beach/boating/fishing/being outdoors.. congrats, you guys should hang out together doing bro things.
-60% of the outdoorsy dudes have photos of them in full camo outside in the woods.  Who takes these pictures?  I thought hunting was a solo activity?  This is why I'm obviously not a hunter.
-It's really difficult for some people to talk about themselves and they must be prompted and they'd be ok with relying on you for all the conversational entertainment.  Please no.  I don't like the sound of my own voice that much (which I hear in my head when I'm typing).  Just make shit up, just please let me stop typing to you, I need a break.


  1. I am so glad I never had to use online dating. I'd be the worst at it.

    I love how long your "no" list is, though. It amuses me.

  2. back to the drawing board for me... I was just about to hit post on my top-less flexing meme profile picture that says: 'I got these babies lifting little debbies'

    Thanks for the advice.

    Also- this brings me back to the time when Sarah and I both signed up for E-Harmony and she got a big long list of possible matches and I was told 'sometimes we are unable to match specific personalities...'

  3. I love this so hard. It's astonishing some of the things you see on these sites and I found myself nodding at all of your "definitely eliminated" criteria. Taking a photo of yourself shirtless in the mirror? No. Duck lips? NEVER. If you're bio is a grammatical mess? See ya. If you're promoting a website, blog, music, etc? BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. It's rough out there. I'm currently taking a break from it all because I don't have the patience...

  4. Haha I love your lists. My "Bye Felicia" list would definitely be longer than my "instant approval" list as well.

  5. It's pretty amazing to me how dudes don't realize all they have to do is be clean, punctual, thoughtful, and generally not a creep. That's ALL it takes these days. It's so easy and yet most dudes still just don't get it.

  6. I find it quite entertaining that guys haven't figured out how not to be creepy yet. I sort of liked being able to weed out people online before every even talking to them. You get to learn so much more than if you would have seen them in a grocery store or something. Sure Mr Natural Jiff and Steaks has a nice ass in front of you...but his grammar never made it past the 2nd grade and his profile pictures belongs under the title douche canoe in the dictionary. Hahahaha.

  7. Your No list is hilarious. The online dating thing is exhausting. Why are guys so weird!


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