Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Confessions {7/29}

-I figured that one day in the future, I might have sex again and I should invest in some condoms.  Ya know, thinking like a smart, safety-conscious, adult.  I went to Amazon because free shipping and straight to my door.  I searched condoms and Amazon was quite pushy with their economy size packages.  No Amazon, I just need the "I might get laid at some point before these expire" pack, not the "FUCKING FOR DAYZZZZ" pack.  Jesus.  But then there was this bad boy.  I felt violated.  (That link might not be safe for work, if you care about things like that.. unlike me).  #YouCanFindAnythingOnTheInternet #woah

-Apparently this is the week the creepers are popping up on the online dating front.  I've gotten these gems this week (from all different dudes):

Dude: Is your mind as dirty as your mouth?
Me: Often.
Dude: My kind of gal ;)  I have to ask, you're not into anything weird are you?
Me: I'm not really sure what that means.
Dude: I met a chick that was into some really freaky stuff.
Me: If you're asking me about freaky bedroom stuff, it's already going to fast for me.

Dude: I would hug a cactus then swim thru shark infested salt water to the arctic to do battle with an angry mother polar bear on a 2x2 foot iceberg for the chance to share a spaghetti dinner with you on a webcam over a dial up connection.
Me: haha, but what if it was just spaghetti-os?
Dude: hahaha... I come up with the most random stuff, comes in handy when writing papers for classes lol. Basically, the more we talk the higher your standards will be raised, and I don't know if that's healthy. I have a bad effect, if you get to know me more everybody else will seem bland and boring, and you'll get "the hunger" that won't be filled unless you get your fix of me. You have had your opportunity to turn around now without taking the red pill and finding out things you might wish you could've been left without. Ignorance can be bliss, and I'm the wake up call, you sure you can handle that?
Me: I can't tell if that is a horrible innuendo gone wrong, you're serious, or completely insane, but I'm intrigued, none the less... and not just because there was a Matrix reference all that.
Dude: haha... Also I was thinking bodies like mine were meant to be on top of bodies like yours, but I'm a pretty lazy guy so you're going to have to be on top sometimes.

Dude: What are you up to?
Me: Just finished lunch with coworkers.
Dude: Thanks for the invite.
Me: Our quad does tasty Tuesday. We're an elite group who give no fucks about snubbing the rest of our coworkers.
Dude: You curse like a pirate too! Do you f@#$ like one too? hahaha jk!

To all of these douchebags: #byefelicia

-My favorite conversations with strangers have included:
+The greatness of Cookout milkshakes
+Singing to Disney movies as a child and it being a staple of our childhoods
+Where to find cannolis

-Miss Reflective is coming to see me!!!  #cuegirlyscreams

-After my super busy weekend, sitting at home on Monday afternoon (since I worked from home after lunch) made me stir crazy.  AND it was a rest day, so no running.  #whoamI

-I bought 4 pairs of new running shoes Tuesday night.  I'm planning on returning 3 pairs.  #CreditCardsRock

-In a (dog) blog I read, she referenced her readers as "Gentle Readers" and I was THRILLED.  Too bad she never responds to comments.... :(  #yunorespond

-This is probably the latest my confessions have ever been posted.  This is what happens when this post isn't mostly complete by Tuesday night.   #bloggerprobs

Linking up with:
Life with Lolo
Hodges Podge


  1. HAHAHAHAHA your amazon condom story is hilarious! "fucking for days" pack LOL. Seriously though, best of luck with these weirdo online daters. I promise there's good ones out there. Or maybe I just really lucked out with it? Anyways, at least it's good for a laugh!

  2. Omg omg omg I cant get over some of these douche canoes!!! "Also I was thinking bodies like mine were meant to be on top of bodies like yours, but I'm a pretty lazy guy so you're going to have to be on top sometimes" Seriously bro???? First you were weird as fuck and now you go there so quick like that? And why are you already admitting to being lazy???? The flaws like that aren't supposed to come out until after several months of dating. What happened to courting?? And like "You curse like a pirate too! Do you f@#$ like one too? hahaha jk!
    #jknotjk" - Um. No. Again. WTF with the speed stick dude. Slow your roll. But clearly Amazon knows whats up for online dating and is suggesting the Costsco/Sam's Club boxed size for all your needs. Hahahaha

  3. Ahhh you are braver than me to online date. That sounds insane...but hilarious blog material I guess. Also, I KNEW I shouldn't have clicked on the link.

    Hubby & I have been having an ongoing argument about DQ blizzards v. Cookout shakes- I have been dying for a Banana Pudding Milkshake and he keeps wanting a blizzard.

    -Bloggers who don't respond bum me out. Eventually I just stop commenting...and then stop reading.

  4. Your amazon story was an awesome way to kick off this post!! HA!

    That first dude...I'd totally replied that it depends on what he considers "weird" or "freaky". I'm thinking there is a very wide spectrum of views on what is considered weird and/or freaky.

  5. Lord your online dating stories a little bit make me want to go back to online dating, even if it's in a not serious way, just because I miss the entertainment.

  6. Omg that's some serious crazy. I'm living vicariously through your online dating. I think I need a big break in the department

  7. GUHHHHHHHHHH why are dudes so pervy? It's a bit strange to say, but I never dealt with this on Tinder which I guess is a good thing, but I secretly wanted at least ONE #TinderNightmares type comment to have some fun with. But I probably shouldn't be complaining about dealing with (somewhat) respectful people. What sties are these delightful little weirdos on??

  8. To DB2: That's a bit much for any type of video chat... and why are you writing papers for classes? Hopefully it's grad courses?

    To DB3: How does a pirate do it? And why do you know?

    Seriously, guys can be so freaking gross. Also... what's a Cookout milkshake?

  9. Yeah I am gonna need way more posts with the shit the online dates are saying. I am cracking up here! Also to echo someone else's question....what's a cookout milkshake?


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